The Tome of Exalted Ponies

The Ill Lily Stylist poisons your soup by punching it. You will die in three days.

…

Leaving Sand, the circle journeyed towards Cripple Creek, taking great care to not go too fast or get too shiny: With at least four different legions from four different houses fortified around the place, then sneaking up on Cripple Creek from the air would be next to impossible.

With a map from Sand, the circle navigated their way through the summer mountain foothills on the eastern side – staying well out of view of any legion lookouts on the western side. Waiting for the dead of night, Cash landed the yeddim and instead sped along the ground with it towards a location marked on Sand’s map: A jackal camp not that far from Cripple Creek, one meant to be a collection point for runaway slaves and crippled miners exiled from the placed.

At this camp the circle learned that it wasn’t just Sand’s forces who had been making merry time raiding the caravans going in and out of Cripple creek. While Speaker healed the jackals from the ailments that had seen them exiled from their tribes to begin with, the rest of the circle were informed of how both cannibal underground-dwelling sand ponies had been raiding slave caravans going to the mining operations, and strange pony-sized and clothing-wearing insect people had been doing hit and run attacks on caravans and lumber operations on the east side of the mountains. It certainly seemed that the four – no, scratch that, five – imperial legions at the place had their work cut out…

…never mind that they all seemed to be jockeying quite aggressively for exclusive rights to escort the jade caravans leaving the place – for the one who controlled where the wealth went, was the one who got to choose who’s pockets it went into.

The jackals readily admitted that while tempting, then those jade caravans were always heavily guarded – and always with troops from at least three different legions, because none of them trusted each other enough to let the other do solo-escorts – hell, it was a miracle that the legions weren’t simply attacking and killing each other to gain exclusive control of the place.

The circle thanked the jackals for the information, who in turn thanked the circle greatly for the healing they had received – several of the new arrivals at the camp, previously maimed or crippled mining workers, admitting that they were very much so considering returning to Cripple Creek to keep working there… for every tiny nugget of jade that they could filch, would be a massive payday if they could smuggle it out.

Considering the powder keg nature of the place, Sullen Hoof suggested they perhaps contact Nazri the zebra sidereal, to ask for information? Cash asked if that was really necessary, pointing out that the south was supposed to be neutral ground for sidereals… well, it’s supposed to be.

“The wealth coming from here could easily determine who becomes the next emperor or empress – I will eat my cloak if there aren’t sidereals here guiding the threads of fate” Sunrise stated confidently.

A magical message was sent – a response arrived within the hour from Nazri’s secretary: He was busy dealing with Gem.

“Oh right… Gem, and the demons – shit, that’s a thing too” Cash mused, looking at Speaker who didn’t look all that surprised.

Sullen Hoof and Cash left for Cripple Creek, leaving Sunrise and Speaker with the yeddim at the jackal camp. With their stealth and disguise charms it would be a lot easier for the two of them to sneak in – or to pass as prospectors.

Hours passed and the early morning sun rose, though the summer mountains shielded much of Cripple Creek from the touch of the daystar – this also allowed Speaker to spot the golden anima flare… oh boy – that meant that Cash was in trouble and needed help!

A very crude ‘horn’ of mud and stone was stuck to Sunrise’s forehead and a cloud was conjured – nobody should question a unicorn flying in… and thus Speaker and Sunrise rushed off to the aid of their friends.

It wasn’t difficult to find Cash – it was just a question of following the trail of troops rushing towards the same place.

A very recently built structure – a tea house from the looks of it – stood surrounded by troops, but also appeared fortified by troops just the same, spears pointing out of every window and door opening.

Sunrise guided the cloud in to land on the roof, but someone counter-spelled the two – leaving Sunrise and Speaker to fall instead… it seemed that the unicorns of Cripple Creek weren’t shy of messing with each other to the point of letting you fall to your death, especially considering that counter spells couldn’t be traced.

Of course, neither Speaker nor Sunrise got hurt as they landed on the flat roof of the building – their shield charms taking the impact of the fall, and being out of sight, nobody saw the golden shells of essence around them.

Inside the thoroughly wrecked tea-house, Speaker and Sunrise first had to fight their way past some very clearly mind-controlled realm soldiers – not exactly difficult, though they did have to be careful not to use any magical martial arts that might alert the ponies outside that someone not quite a unicorn had arrived.

Finding Cash on the second floor of the building, Sunrise quickly asked: “You can’t even go for tea without making a scene, can you?”

“Oh, my friends – so good to see you. No, I was just walking towards the vermillion legion encampment down the road… then someone bloody recognized me!” Cash exclaimed; his frustration quite palpable.

Speaker wondered what a unicorn who had travelled enough in the east to know what Cash looked like, would be doing in Cripple Creek – but Cash shrugged: “Hello, it’s likely sidereal pretending to a unicorn? Sully is still hidden somewhere, but I have no idea how to get out here… or how to avoid detection once out”

“I think I can aid us all here – call over some of the soldiery you’ve commandeered” Sunrise said, having Cash instruct the mind-controlled soldiers to take off their uniforms.

Cash chuckled as he put on the uniforms, while Sunrise carefully wove essence into the occult knot-pattern the Hidden Self upon him. It took her about ten minutes, during which the troops outside trying to storm the place twice – but the mind-controlled troops held the place, plus Speaker patched those injured up in no time.

Once the spell was cast, a complicated illusion rendered Cash quite impossible to recognize, granting him not just a new face but also altering the color and look of his mane and tail.

Speaker then used his singing staff down in the basement to quickly dig them a tunnel away from the tea house, Cash leaving the troops with instructions to surrender after a while – ensuring that his grip on their minds would fade when they did that.

Emerging well beyond the tea house in an alley behind some very dubious looking bunkhouses, the trio was almost immediately found by Sullen Hoof – who true to form looked nothing like his true self, having used his own illusory disguise charms and his magical helmet to appear as a filthy and work-worn miner.

“How in the… how did you find us?” Speaker wondered, looking quite perplexed.

Sully put an ear to the ground: “This is a mining town. Nobody cares for the sound of digging in the underground here… but your music still stands out from all of that”

Satisfied with the explanation, Speaker accepted the outfits that Sully had stolen to help disguise himself and Sunrise so they weren’t all dressed as soldiers – though seeing Sunrise in immaculate sky-blue robes was rather amusing.

“I’m not shaving myself bald for this” Sunrise quite said as she adjusted the robes.

Sullen Hoof shrugged: “Shouldn’t be an issue, these are lowly initiate robes – they don’t have to shave – just keep your hood up, now let’s go”

Guided by their night caste circle mate, the four walked towards the vermillion legion encampment. Enroute Sully spotted the unicorn who had recognized Cash on a palanquin being carried out of town.

“Well, he looks like… any other realm unicorn ponce” Speaker noted, not finding the black-maned unicorn with his rich purple silks looking all that interesting.

Cash grumped: “I’m just curious how a realm scion recognized me – but who cares, we’re here”

The vermillion legion encampment was surrounded by a mix of crude stone and earth-works, mixed with sturdy palisades. Compared to the other fortifications for the other legions, it looked quite crude and… cheap – but it clearly worked as intended, because the only way in was the big main gate – and there circle had to cook up a really damn good excuse why a bunch of nobodies, and pony dressed as a soldier from another legion, should be let in.

Luckily, Cash was the unbridled master of bullshit, and thus twisted the ears of the gate guards to the points that their heads spun.

Inside the camp, finding Roseblack’s tent wasn’t difficult: The sound of her shouting was hard to miss.

“What do mean they had nothing left? The hell do those idiots expect me to feed my troops with?” Roseblack clearly shouted from inside her tent, a very sorry and apologetic quartermaster leaving moments later.

The murderous glare that the circle got upon entering Roseblack’s tent was a little funny, but it was clear that the realm general was having issues. Cash instantly shed his illusory disguise upon entering, tossing his soldier uniform just the same, to reveal his heavenly silks.

Speaker wondered where Cash had learned to strip off his clothes that quickly – but ok, it seemed to have worked as intended: Roseblack’s expression went from a “Who are you and why are you bothering me” to a “Holy shit I know you – how did you get here” look.

Sunrise stepped aside, casting a sorcerous spell that ensure that nobody outside the large tent could hear what was said inside. Roseblack appeared to recognize the spell, staying her tongue until the spell was cast.

“Well shave my dragons and slap me silly, I had not expected to see you again” Roseblack opened up with, once Sunrise gave the sign that it was safe to talk.

Cash smiled broadly, while Speaker and Sullen Hoof both simply appeared pleased with the greeting. Sunrise drew down her blue monk-robe hood and asked: “We wanted to know exactly what you’re planning and how what you’re asking of us and Lookshy fits into that”

Taking a step back and sitting down onto the stool next to her work table, which was a mess of scrolls, papers, maps and writing implements, Roseblack sighed deeply: “Well, I hadn’t planned on committing treason today – but here we are”

As the realm general explained things, then Lookshy’s reading of her message was fairly spot on: Port Calin was currently garrisoned by two of the house Sesus legions, and house Nelens was raising three legions via local levies: “And that’s the funny thing – Sesus and Nelens don’t really have any major official ties – but if they can muster five legions at port Calin, they can make a run for the imperial city of Canterlot – can’t have that – and putting the squeeze on imperial trade to Greyfalls would greatly diminish the influence house Nelens and Ragara has on the isle”

“Very well… and you’re serious about organizing an invasion of the river provinces after you get the throne?” Sullen Hoof inquired, his head shimmering briefly as his orichalcum helmet shed its illusion.

Roseblack didn’t look apologetic as she slowly nodded, but her expression was one that communicated how serious she knew that such an event was: “Armies have been raised across the empire – I have to find something to use them on, lest they become part of a rebellion led by other houses that won’t accept my ascent to the throne. Idle hooves are workshop of Malfeas”

“You’re willing to send who knows how many tens of thousands of realm subjects to their deaths for this?” Speaker said accusatorily, not quite sure if he liked what he was hearing.

Shaking her head, Roseblack shrugged in her green jade armor with its black jade floral inlays: “How many are dying every day over the battles fought on the isle right now? Every month news of more villages razed, more lands scorched… the blessed isle is turning into hell – and part of my idea with the forewarning to Lookshy and you lot is so you can crush those legions without having to kill anyone – just rumble the officers, take their arms and send them back home”

“Oh, I get it… give us time to ready targeted strikes against leadership, because it’s only the generals and their senior officers who are really a threat to you” Cash said, seeing the logic of Roseblack’s plan.

With a sigh of relief, Roseblack turned to her desk and the papers on it: “Exactly. I’m not asking you to muster forces for pitched battles – but if you know they’re coming, send Lookshyan rangers or… whatever passes for that in Sunhill and the rest of the river provinces, to decapitate or humiliate the legions coming to you. Send them packing in disgrace, so their leaders lose any political support they had on the isle. I get my peasants back; my foes lose their champions… real question is what can I offer you in exchange?”

“I can’t help but note that you didn’t say anything about offering something to Lookshy” Cash added with a sly look.

Speaker handed Roseblack the scroll tube from the Lookshyan general staff: “That’s because she clearly already paid them – somehow – here, this is their reply”

Roseblack threw a brief glance at Speaker before grabbing the scroll tube and opening it. A stack of tied up jade coins – realm obols – fell out and hit the table with a heavy thud, for pure jade was quite weighty. A scroll was tied around the roll of coins.

Cash had to raise both eyebrows at the tied up coins: “That… is a lot of money – I mean… that’s jade, not plain silver dinars”

With the greatest of smile, Roseblack read the scroll: “That’s a little counter-intelligence trick I picked up from my grandfather – and you’re right Speaker, I paid Lookshy with the information of several hidden weapons caches left after the last realm invasion. In fact, I paid them so much I also requested change”

“Clever, anyone who intercepted your message probably wouldn’t have been able to send back a fortune like this with a reply… interesting way to check for the authenticity of the reply” Cash mused.

Having read the scroll, Roseblack nodded and put the paper down: “I have to be careful – anyone trying for the throne has to, especially when I only have one legion to keep me safe. Honestly, right now I’m just trying to keep the peace and wrap things up here enough that I can pack up my legion and return to the isle… but it’s not easy”

“Indeed, we heard you when we came here – what’s going on?” Speaker wondered.

With the greatest of sighs, Roseblack explained how the other legions in the area were basically trying to bully her into leaving. Right now, they were buying up all the supplies coming to Cripple Creek, leaving the vermillion legion with next to nothing to eat – but it was also other supplies they were messing with. Any delivery Roseblack’s legion placed either got delivered to the wrong legion, or never came, or got waylaid by jackals or sand ponies due to intentional lack of escorts.

“Look, I’m trying to set things up here so that the local Governor Peleps Howdarn can actually control the place properly – but any judge I help him set up has a funny habit of getting killed. It’s as if the other legions intentionally want this place to remain lawless. I can’t leave here in good faith until we have some kind of neutral policing and judiciary system set up, but something like that wouldn’t benefit the other legions who want to stab everyone in the back and take the place over – it is exactly this kind of self-serving corruption that I want to root out as empress” Roseblack lamented.

The circle recognized Roseblack’s dilemma. She was, if nothing else, a patriot who didn’t want to see the realm dissolve into chaos – and right now this chaos was what she was trying to curtail.

“I believe I can be of assistance with that” Sullen Hoof said, stepping up.

With a snort and a pained grin, Roseblack looked at the helmet solar: “How? Will you make them behave with your cooking?”

“Yes” Sullen Hoof quickly replied, as if stating the most obvious of facts.

Roseblack buried her face in her hooves, groaning: “I am in no mood for jest…”

“And he isn’t. Sullen Hoof has served platters of shit before guild factors, cooked so well that it addicted them – leaving them begging at his hooves for the recipe while drowning themselves in latrines in attempts to mimic the flavour. You won’t believe how nice your greatest of enemy will get, when you hold the key to their greatest addiction” Cash said, smiling like a drug dealer trying to impress upon the legion general that the product being offered was the best on the market.

Looking at Cash and Sullen Hoof, Roseblack’s expression changed from annoyance to hopefulness: “That’s not exactly what I saw you do in Thorns… you gave hope to a whole city via a feast”

“I know – my orichalcum chef style of magical martial arts let me attack the soul of those who eat my fare. I can grant hope, nourish the soul, but also ensnare and trap it. Once made an assassin eat himself. You just invite the other legion generals for a dinner, you’ll be amazed what I can pull off” Sullen Hoof proudly declared.

It thus came to be that the general of the vermillion legion conspired with the Lords of Sunhill, and Lookshy, to see a realm satrapy invaded. In return, Sullen Hoof remained with Roseblack for a few days, to assist her in ‘managing’ her local peers.

The first miracle Sullen Hoof did was turn what little food the hungry vermillion legion had to feed itself into a bountiful feast. Soldiers wept as their herb-boiled lard and posca – a sour brew of water, vinegar, herbs and salt – suddenly tasted amazingly. To Speaker’s surprise, then Cash was actually able to assist Sully a bit in doing this, having evidence learned at least the basics of both cooking and the cooking-based martial art a while ago, back when Cash had helped Sully commit the style to writing, so others could learn it.

With the spirits of the vermillion legion thusly raised, Roseblack found herself with renewed vigour to handle the bullshit of the other legions. Speaker, Sunrise and Cash were given escorts and a ride in a covered wagon that they could safely leave Cripple Creek without being accosted or identified.