Maybe I can't.

by DragonIdiot

Rating: teen
Tags: Sad, Suicide / Self Harm, Equestria Girls, Sunset Shimmer, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 1187

I guess, Twilight, this is my apology. My final words in a letter, written from the heart. I just want to be free.

Although corny, no words can describe you and what you have done for our your friends. And to me. Especially to me.
But I only need a few words to describe myself.

Destructive, manipulative and useless.

This is a letter-style, first person fic. It is a suicide letter with self-degrading paragraphs, to be clear. Do not read if you are not in the right headspace or comfortable with the topic.

Published 2024-07-24 20:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-07-24 20:40:00 UTC

Yours beyond death, Twilight.

I have found myself thinking a lot recently. Thinking about my last words to the world. Thinking about the life I have lead and the impact I've made to those around me. Especially you. The only one I've ever truly felt love for. That might contradict the rumours of me being a fully, self-absorbed narcissist.

But you, oh you. You are like summer, my star. Warm and gentle, shining down on everybody with passion and hope.

How you watched the elderly from afar, struggling to pick up their bags and came to offer your help. I remember one moment vividly. When ~~we~~ you saw a man, dropping his bags and sitting down to cry. You came rushing at his side, making sure he knew that he was cared for by the world. You reminded him that his diminishing strength was an opportunity to rest and be loved by his friends and family. For a good hour, my love, you sat there and talked to this stranger, even whilst you yourself, felt abandoned and isolated from those around you.

Using that, I describe myself as those unrelenting days of heat, beating down upon the people below who were desperate for some shade to hide themselves.

When I consistently undermined and bullied my peers, especially Fluttershy. I made a daily effort to reduce her self confidence and self-esteem to fuel my own, to feel powerful and 'on-top'. It's always at the back of my mind, how I repeatedly shouted and laughed at her, pushed her into lockers and threatened to close down her - at the time - small animal centre at the side of the park, just for her to do what I wanted. I suppose I felt that she was an easy target - a friendless pushover who cried at the tiniest bit of negative attention.

Well, maybe, you are like autumn, dear. A blended mix of fiery colours and fallen leaves with comfortable clothes and warm homes.

At midday, even while you were exhausted, you empathised with a teenager who lost their pet. Love, you sat there like a calming beacon of light, even at a low point, and chatted with someone you only met briefly while walking your dog. I heard remarks of how happy their pup was, and how you knew that she died calmly, in the hands of people she loved dearly. It was comforting, as I felt myself smile just being in your presence, like a blanket. People around stopped to share their condolences and stories of their interactions with her.

I guess... that I'm the cold snaps and dying trees, the havoc of temperatures changing rapidly throughout the day.

Even at my best before my redemption, I had mood swings and lashed out on my classmates as a foal. There was this one instance, during a friendly competition. I laughed, carefree and lively before losing. I knew that it wasn't an official test, but I exploded, setting my surroundings on fire with magic. Apparently, I burnt my opponent and left a permanent mark on their face. Although, shortly after, I was all smiles again, apologizing to those that witnessed that. They were flinching at me, cowering in fear.

...Winter might be the way to describe you Twilight. Heated homes, hot food and Hearth's Warming Eve - well, Christmas, I suppose.

During the cold temperatures, you gathered a team and handed out jackets and food to those unfortunate enough not to have any. I saw the donations that you got and how you gave money out - even job recommendations and shelters nearby, in a hope that you might change someone's life for the better. You took off your glasses and sobbed, sharing the stories of your parents raising you up, starving and cold before someone gave them a helping hand. And now they thrive in a large house, a dog and a safe, healthy family.

For me, I'm the drops in temperature that last days, with hail and winds with the strength of Nightmare Moon.

You wouldn't know personally how I was... am, to others. I have memories upon memories of the ways I've tormented ponies and humans alike. The cold shoulder, the strikes of anger, all those times I harmed the ones that stayed close to me, despite everything. Even you, my star. During that conversation we had about our past, I got overwhelmed by everything that, when you tried to comfort me, I barked back, knocking your hand away and leaving. You looked so broken, so, I guess that's why I left.

Why would I do that to you, someone as bright and loving as spring?

The shine in your eye, your easy-going, radiant nature, all of that! While things were being shot your way continuously, stress and school-work I could never even begin to imagine your you handle, you kept yourself, and.. didn't turn into me.

Although corny, no words can describe you and what you have done for ~~our~~ your friends. And to me. Especially to me.
But I only need a few words to describe myself.

Useless, unredeemable and villainous

Who needs a destructive and manipulative waste of space near them at all. It ruins friendships - I ruin friendships! There are so many relationships I have crushed just to get to my goal, that, if I had succeeded, I would have done even worse. I don't think anybody told you how I was a little over three months ago. My biggest desire was to become a Princess in Equestria. And you know what I had to do? I had to take over a population of teenagers using mind games and controlling tactics, take a Princess' crown, win a popularity contest that I used threats to win, in fact, and gain a large amount of magic to make an army.

Back the I thought that when I put the Crown on my head, I would gain it's power and it would see me as a better fit for royalty. But instead, I turned into what I truly was, a demon. Everyone as CHS saw me for who I was, and saw my defeat by the true wielder of the Crown. I was humiliated and gained permanent reminders along my body.

Now that I think about it, this is what started our argument. This... pathetic excuse! I shouldn't blame or hurt others for the things I committed! And I apologize, my love, I'm so incredibly sorry for what I have done and put you through.

And with this, using the last of my blood, I write you a letter.

Goodbye, my bright star. I'm sorry again for I've done and the pain I caused. Although I know you will be heartbroken about what I'm about to do, please, please forget me and continue on. I don't deserve you.

Yours beyond death,

Sunset Shimmer.

Author's Note

Damn-

This came to me around 2:54am two nights ago and I decided to write it.

I tried to clear all the mistakes - but there are probably many so please mention them for me!