Problems, We've Got A Few
"Lulamoon, Trixie. Would Lulamoon, Trixie please come to the Vice Principal's office immediately? Lulamoon, Trixie," the classroom's announcement speaker reverberated its ear-splitting out-of-tune request.
Trixie Lulamoon tossed her light aqua-blue-ish hair and chuckled a high-pitched laugh. "I am clearly being rewarded by our Administration who is requesting This Great and Powerful Trixie--discreetly of course--to perform for the entire school."
"That. Or getting expelled." Rainbow Dash made a farting sound with an elbow as Trixie rose. Some of the dumber and meaner students snickered--for completely different reasons.
"No one got rich betting on your powers of intuition, Duh-she," Trixie sneered.
Rainbow Dash fluttered her arms like bird wings. "Disappear--squawk--squawk--just like your poopy birds."
"They only did that on your head because you're a shi--poop head," Trixie said.
Her teacher cleared his throat.
"On my waaaaay," Trixie drew out the words as she hurried to the door, which she opened, bounded through, then intentionally slammed.
"Oh my," she noted when she was a few steps from her classroom door. "I don't have my hall pass. I'm so baaad," she chuckled and made a pose covering her mouth with her hands. No one heard her. No audience roamed the hallway while courses were underway. She sighed and loped sadly and directly to where she was supposed to be. Not even a stray Freshman popped a head here or there, although she did think she heard the sound of footsteps retreating down an adjacent hall. But, alas! No audience.
The bench in front of the Vice Principal's office, however, was not empty. There was a dull-faced gray-skinned girl there.
Trixie smiled and pulled a rock out of her pocket. "Hey there," she said.
The girl looked up.
"Watch this, Maud!" Trixie said, pretending to yank the rock out of the girl's left ear. "You've got rocks on the brain."
The girl smiled. "Gravel, to be precise."
Trixie looked at the rock. "I suppose it is...." She placed it back in her right skirt pocket. "Regardless... what are you here for, troublemaker?"
"Sassing the teacher." The girl answered in monotone.
"You, like, never speak."
"False. I am speaking. Right now."
"In class, unless called on, I mean."
"Yes," Maud blinked.
"What happened?"
"I did not say anything during my group project presentation. The teacher asked me to talk. I said Micro Chips had already said everything pertinent. The teacher said I was being impertinent, and I laughed. Because that was funny."
Trixie giggled. "I see how that might have been amusing." She patted Maud on her back, noting as she did that the upperclass-student had a dark rock lying adjacent to her.
Before Trixie could comment on how Maud was even more rock-mad than rumors suggested, she was called in to the Vice Principal's office.
"Ta-ta!" she wished Maud goodbye. Maud nodded. Trixie slammed the door.
Vice Principal Luna gestured for Trixie to be seated.
"Trixie Lulamoon, I am very sorry to be having this conversation with you," Luna began. "I don't think you are a bad student or human being."
"Girl, I'm a girl."
"Yes, that. You're also a human being. Just like me and your fellow classmates."
"However," Luna's words hung in the air. "Your misbehavior cannot continue."
Trixie stayed silent.
"And there must be consequences for negative actions."
"Excuse me?"
"You are excused."
Trixie got up to leave.
"Not that type of excused," Luna said.
Trixie sat back down.
"What I am speaking about is the incident that happened yesterday... with the stink bombs... and the fight."
"They weren't intended to be stink bombs."
"Manufacturing difficulties in chemistry class does not cover for the fact that you should have known what would happen when that precise chemical reaction was affected."
"Are you suggesting I am intentionally torpedoing my grades to build an alibi for an accidental creation of a stink bomb?"
"Yes."
"You can't prove--"
"I don't need to," Luna said. "It is enough that you *did* it. I just want to make sure you wholly understand that I have seen the games you've been playing, I acknowledge their cleverness, but you're not going to get something past me." Luna steepled her fingers. "Do I make myself clear?"
"I didn't--"
"When I was your age, I played far more successful pranks that didn't result in broken noses."
"That was hardly my fault and it was part of the show. It wasn't a prank!"
"It's also a major reason why we are sitting here having this conversation now. Do you think I enjoy having these conversations?"
"You're a vice principal. Discipline is, like, part of the job description. Why else would you take this job?"
"I want to help students improve."
"Then let me practice my magic more!"
"No!" Luna's voice raised.
Trixie raised an eyebrow.
"Bon Bon has a fifteen foot restraining order against you. And you owe her restitution for her nose."
"Next time she shouldn't stick her clownishly oversized schnoz into my business and foolishly attempt to debunk my magic!"
"Violence is not the answer."
"If she hadn't volunteered for the trick, she would have been fine. If she'd played along, she would have been fine. But no, she insisted on sticking her head out when I was disappearing her--ruining everything!"
"Including snapping her nose."
"And then she had the audacity to drop-kick Trixie. Trixie should be suing her!"
"Witnesses confirm you approached her aggressively and pushed back, screaming in her face that she was a 'terrible assistant and an even worse human being.'"
Trixie bit her lower lip, then spoke in an even tone: "Mistakes may have been made in the heat of the moment."
"And our understanding of that is why you are not in a disciplinary school at this moment."
"But it's not like Bon Bon and I will necessarily cross paths in the bathroom again."
"Your invasive insistence on performing magic in the bathroom has upset a number of other girls. Combined with their twelve complaints, some of which allege assault and voyeurism--"
"MISUNDERSTANDINGS!" Trixie shouted. "Trixie has absolutely no interest in the human body! Trixie nearly failed biology and health! Why is Trixie always misunderstood?"
"It has been noted you are less... playful with the opposite gender."
"Interactions can be misconstrued. By fools."
Luna raised an eyebrow. "To be clear. You're able to control yourself with boys but not girls... I have the name of a good counselor if you'd like to talk and learn to express your feelings in a safe manner. It's entirely natural what you may be feeling and there's no reason to be ashamed, but you should not allow your feelings to seep out in uncomfortable ways. Channel them to constructive, appropriate and consenting avenues! Is there, perhaps, some reason or attitude at home that may have led you to perhaps suppress and lash out in this way--"
"Trixie has no issues! Except back issues of Magician's Monthly! Thank you very much, but no!"
"We may need to escalate this to a doctor... or a psychiatrist."
"Fine," Trixie said, scrunching her head down. "There is one thing. Mother doesn't like me doing magic at home."
"I see. That's what's bottled up."
"Yes. Trixie cannot express her true self at home."
"You must be more careful at school. And respectful of others. Regardless, I'll give you the name of a good psychiatrist and family counselor. I may need to contact your mother."
"NO!" Trixie slammed her hands down on the table and stood facing Luna eye to eye. Her lower lip quivered. "I'll be good..."
"She doesn't physically discipline you?"
"NO!" Trixie's quivering stopped, replaced by a mask of rage.
"--deny you food?" Luna noted Trixie's ultra-slim figure.
"NO!" Trixie repeatedly whacked her hands on the table. "No, no, no."
"Emotionally--"
"Trixie feels uncomfortable!"
"And--"
Luna held up a hand. "Of course, we may revisit this in a few days. Trixie. We're here to help you."
Luna made a note to consider contacting more qualified and experienced authorities for a potential home visit to Trixie's domicile--just to be safe.
Trixie tapped a foot.
"Anxious to get back to class?"
"Of course. Next period's chemistry."
Luna sighed. "Please try not to have any more incidents."
"I didn't know invisible ink wouldn't work on cotton."
"It does tend to stain."
Trixie bit her lower lip. "Can I go now?"
"In just a minute. We need to talk about your consequences. Since there are a number of complications with you utilizing the girls' restrooms, we've decided you can use the unisex handicapped bathroom, or the boys' if the unisex is in use. We're moving towards gender neutral bathrooms anyway."
Trixie rolled her eyes, then settled her expression on a smile, steepled her fingers, and said, "Just as planned."
Luna shook her head. "There is no way you planned this. And, if you did, that's an even greater violation."
"Heh-heh-heh," Trixie laughed.
Luna crossed her arms, leaned back and chose to allow Trixie to release her emotions. After a while, she said, "And if you eventually become banned from these places, then we may need to discuss alternative schooling arrangements. Private sessions. Special schools."
"Anything could happen to me!"
"We have professionals."
"It's a bad idea to leave me alone."
"Are you looking to not have access to the unisex bathroom?"
"I mean--in a classroom."
"Noted."
They sat in silence for a while, Luna staring at Trixie and Trixie rubbing her fingers against each other. Whether she was pantomiming a trick or merely making nervous movement, Luna could not tell. When Luna could no longer stand the movement, she nodded at Trixie, saying, "You may send the next person in."
Trixie left the room, slamming its door shut and winked at Maud, whose head had risen. "Heyyyyy," Trixie smiled her best stage smile. She walked over to Maud and patted her on her left shoulder. Maud turned that way. Trixie bent down and pocketed the dark rock that had been resting to Maud's right.
"Knock 'em dead," Trixie said.
Maud got up, then she looked back at the bench and turned her head. She bent down to the ground, and studied it.
"Hey," Trixie said, tapping Maud on her shoulder. Maud turned to her again, frowning. Trixie jostled Maud's ear and turned open her hand, revealing the dark rock.
Maud saw the rock, and her eyes lit up.
Trixie placed it in Maud's hand. "You dropped it earlier," she lied.
Maud frowned for a moment, but she collected herself and smiled a tight grin back.
Trixie walked off, head held high.
Not too many days later...
Trixie, in the unlocked unisex bathroom, was found in it hanging upside down from the roof with a wand, and a rabbit. More at eye-level for the wheelchair-using male student who had opened the door, was an eternally swirling toilet and a floating plunger.
She was banned from going into that bathroom.
Shortly thereafter...
Trixie was in the boy's restroom. She was washing her face because she'd been crying. She heard a tinkling sound and she shuddered because she'd thought she was alone. She stepped to the exit and heard steps and words from outside. She unthinkingly retreated and bumped into the boy who'd been in the room all along.
"He-" he paused. "Hello."
"Hey," Trixie forced a grin.
"What are you doing here?" he asked.
"Hi..." she noted his curly hair and nerdy demeanor-- "Micro Chips--" that had to be his name. "Just hanging in the boy's room. Smokin' the boy's room, as the song goes--hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha." (Note: She didn't quite correctly cite the song's lyric. The song starts around 0:49.)
"Okay." Micro Chips quirked an eyebrow, then washed and wiped his hands.
"Please don't tell anyone," Trixie urged, pressing her hands together in a steeple.
"Please don't blow up our bathroom."
"Hahahahahahhahahahahahah. I won't," her eyes, intense with pleading and possible insanity, glistened.
"Okay." Micro Chips bit his lower lip and considered Trixie and the wildly expanding blush spreading across her face. "I won't tell... if you don't do anything bad.... I'm... going to go."
The sound of voices drifted in when he opened the door--boy voices. Trixie closed her eye that would have been perceiving the disgusting urinal wall, and headed to the stalls opposite. She fiddled with the door, opened, then closed and locked it. The restroom door slammed open and boys barged inside.
Trixie looked at her ankles--visible to any boys--then arched her legs up against the door.
Tinkling and laughter and the sounds of pushing and whatever boys did when they were in the bathroom filled her ears. She crossed her legs and scrunched down really tiny.
The sounds gradually became quieter, and she was left with the soft repetition of farts and the susurration of stools. It was safe and calm to be cramped tight, wedged in the stall, but she always liked contortion.
Somehow... after the voices and the sounds subsided, she fell asleep--until the last bell of the day. After the bathroom emptied, she quickly left.
Maud saw Trixie coming out and confronted her with a raised eyebrow. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"What?"
"You weren't in Chemistry."
"Yes, I was."
"No."
"Your eyes are bad. I was there."
"Ears are fine. You're the loudest in class."
"Am not."
Maud stared.
"Okay, I am."
"Is something wrong?"
"No!"
Maud stared. Then, she blinked. "I won't hurt you. And I don't gossip. Even if someone asked. I wouldn't talk."
"What do you think is wrong? Why do you think? Maybe I'm tricking you--I'm Trixie, the Great and Powerful... The Great and Powerful Trixie! Come on."
"It's okay." Maud shrugged. "But I saw The Great and Powerful Trixie coming out of the boys' room. Any reason?"
"Magic."
"Good," Maud nodded. "You're good at that. I hope it went well."
"Wasn't performing. Just practicing."
Maud's mouth made an 'o'. "When you are ready, I would like to see."
"Really?"
"Yes," Maud blinked. "You don't need to worry about asking for confirmation. I mean what I say."
"Do you?"
Maud cocked her head.
Trixie laughed, "Sorry."
Maud smiled.
Trixie kept laughing. "Oh, yeah. Dumb Trixie. Stupid Trixie."
Maud, frowning, held up a hand.
"Sorry." Tears filled Trixie's eyes. "It's just that time of the month."
"No it isn't."
"What?"
"Not for you."
"What the serious fuck."
Maud blinked. And smiled, showing her teeth. "I can smell it."
"No you can't."
"I was joking."
"So, I can't trust you."
"I show my teeth when I joke. Or lie. Wanted you to learn by example."
"You minx!"
"Actually, I'm a human."
"Why joke about that? It isn't any good. It's disgusting!"
Maud blinked. "Did you laugh?"
"No."
"Sorry."
"Wait.... I think I get it."
"Do you want to explain?"
"Yes! You were doing something unexpected and transgressive to put me off balance--to make me less sad... or... to figure out my lie!" Trixie's eyes widened.
"Yes."
"That's clever. You know, one important thing with magic is misdirection and the gift of gab. You're pretty quiet but seriously--oooh."
"hooo."
"Hoo? ooh-hoo--darnit," Trixie giggled. "Reversing the situation."
"Itdarn indeed."
Trixie cocked her head.
"Verlan. I reversed the syllables. Made a new word. It's funny. Sometimes."
"I'm learning so much," Trixie leaned forward. "How'd you get so good at... this?"
"I do stand-up comedy."
"Where?"
"Everywhere. Practice all the time."
"But I don't recall hearing much laughter--"
"People talk so loud. Live in their own worlds. They don't listen."
Trixie nodded. "That's probably true."
Maud blinked.
"For a more attentive audience, I also perform at the Sweet Snacks Cafe. 11:45 to 12:00 slot. I'm the closer. Best spot. Or worst. Everything leads up to me. But if everything is bad, people leave early. Unless they stay, just to see me"
"I'd stay for that!" Trixie grinned. Then, she blushed. "But I can't sneak out until after my mom goes to bed, so I'd be maybe just getting there in time. But I'm good at disappearing. I'd make it."
"Don't risk yourself."
"The Great and Powerful Trixie thrives on risks! Did you ever see me balance that black widow on my nose?"
"No."
"I'll have to acquire another one. It was an excellent trick."
"Is that what got The Great and Powerful Trixie banned from the girls' bathroom?"
"What?"
"You were banned?"
"...yes."
"I figured. Didn't know, though. Till just now."
"But--"
"It makes sense. Between what happened with Bon Bon and the other complaints."
"Principal Luna figured it'd be best to not talk about it, since technically the bathrooms are open to everyone. Nobody reads the fine print, though."
They shared smiles.
"Are you performing tonight?" Trixie asked.
That Night
Trixie took a deep breath and opened her window and lowered her magician's handkerchiefs to the ground, all tied and twisted together and secured to her bedpost. With only a little trouble, she managed to descend and then she was on her way.
She got her bike out of the detached garage, wheeled it past the neighbor's and then pedaled like mad.
She arrived at the Cafe just as Maud was going on.
Maud's set was perfect.
Trixie was pounding a table and weeping with laughter.
When Maud was done, she tapped Trixie on the shoulder. "We need to go. It's closed."
"Sure." Trixie got to her feet, wincing and wobbling a bit. Maud supported her.
"Sorry," Trixie said. "I biked up a hill."
"You can put your bike in my truck," Maud said.
"The benefit of being a Senior," Trixie laughed.
"I worked for my truck," Maud, the Senior, said.
"I mean... being able to drive, and being alive enough to save enough..."
Maud blinked. "An average student working an average part-time summer job could earn enough to purchase a typical used vehicle in this market within two summers. Of course, maintenance and fuel have additional costs."
"It's hard to save when one spends everything on magic equipment."
Maud smiled and patted the back of one of Trixie's hands. "It's good to invest in oneself."
Blushing, Trixie turned from Maud, wheeled the bike around, then started to pick her bike up. It barely budged.
"Just have to get my breath..." Trixie said.
Maud smiled and patted Trixie's shoulder. Trixie moved aside and Maud reached down, heaved and easily lifted the bike into the truck bed.
"So jealous," Trixie's eyes widened at Maud's muscles.
"From farmwork," Maud smiled.
"You work on a farm?"
"Live and work."
"What do you grow? Or raise?"
"Rocks."
"What?"
"All types. Decorative. Carved. Lots of geodes, too. We mine and break them open."
"That's... so cool. I use geodes in some of my bits. I hide--well, that's part of the trick."
"I'd love to see that."
Trixie yawned. "I wish I wasn't so tired. I'm jealous.... Wait! Stop here."
Maud gradually applied pressure to her brakes and stopped a house away from Trixie's home.
"I'm fine now, but that means I'm terrible with mornings," Maud smiled.
Trixie reached out for her hand and shook it. "Thank you." She grimaced at the extremely strong grip.
Maud relaxed her grip and pulled away, but Trixie squeezed back.
"I--I'm a night owl," Maud elaborated. "Not hoot-hoot. The expression. I'm good at taking in the moonglow and enjoying how nice it looks reflected on the rocks."
"That's nice," Trixie said. "I should do a moonlight show sometime. School's always closed at night and I can't get out much."
"You can perform for me, anytime you like."
Trixie swallowed and released Maud's hand. Maud got out and removed the bike, not even breaking a sweat.
Trixie, meanwhile, was still covered in sweat from her ride. She stumbled near some bushes. Maud caught and steadied her and Trixie turned away, hiding a blush. Together, they wheeled the bike to Trixie's garage. Then, they turned to Trixie's house. But then Trixie hissed, "My mom knows."
"Knows The Great and Powerful Trixie broke out?"
"Ladder's gone. Lights are on."
"Sorry."
"I'm going to get punished."
Maud hung her head.
Trixie bit her lower lip. "Can I... come back with you?"
"Won't it be worse if you do not return home?"
"Probably."
Maud waited. "Will your parents be worried?"
"I don't know."
"You sure?"
"Sorry. I'm talking nonsense. Good night. It was a really good show." Trixie smiled and walked to her door.
At School:
"That was the last straw," Trixie whispered. "But if it hadn't been that, she'd have found some other excuse. She wants me out of the way. She has a new boyfriend. They need the house. Anyway, the school wrote me up for the unisex bathroom incident. Between that and repayment for that jerk's schnoz, I got recommended for military camp... summer sleepaway. To straighten me out."
"I'm sorry--"
"Don't be. They want me out. The sooner the better.... Can I sleep over with you sometime?"
"... Yes?"
Trixie patted the back of Maud's hand. "Great!"
"If everyone is ready to start--" their teacher, Cranky Doodle, glared.
"Momentarily, Sir," Maud said.
"Didn't I say no back talk?"
"Not today, Sir."
Trixie sashayed back to her seat. Maud turned her hand to a side and found a smiling face sticker that Trixie had snuck under her hand.
"Maud Pie!" Cranky shouted.
"Yes?"
"I'm writing a note. About your attitude. Again. Take it to the Principal."
"Yes."
At Maud's:
Trixie sucked ravenously on the water bottle's nipple. Sweat seeped through her clothing.
"You don't have to do this," Maud said. "You are not used to it."
"No," Trixie said. "I'll be doing worse at camp. Might as well start the torture now."
Maud smiled. "It'll get easier."
"It gets better..." Trixie sighed and leaned against the rock wall she had been digging into. "That's what the mascot, Trevor, says anyway."
"Mascot?"
"The military camp's mascot--Trevor--he's a beagle. A promotional project they're working on to be hip. To help problem students." Trixie shivered.
"You're not a problem," Maud massaged one of Trixie's shoulders.
"I just want to make people smile. And I can't practice at home. And I can't practice at camp. We get three changes of clothes. A pencil. Seven sheets of paper and envelopes. And that's it. Not even a pack of cards!"
"No magic at home?"
"Mom hates it."
"Oh."
"Dad. The one I never met. He was a magician."
Maud nodded.
"I've had three dads." Trixie lay back on the rocks. "It's icky."
"Did something horrible happen?"
"No. But they're bad. You're lucky. You're doing what you want. Your parents let you."
Maud smiled. "It's not all perfect."
"Of course."
"And they're not too happy with my multiple trips to the Vice Principal, either," Maud said.
"You're a real problem student--" Trixie laughed.
"I just... say what the teachers ask. But they don't always want an answer. It's difficult."
"People are stupid," Trixie said. "You've got to charm them. Then they're yours."
"You're an expert on charm?"
"Have I charmed you?"
"Yes."
"Then I am!"
"One conquest does not an expert make."
"Unless it's an expertly-made conquest!"
"Is this?"
"You tell me."
"To be deter-mined."
"Was that a rock joke?"
"Yes."
Trixie watched Maud get back to work, swinging her pickaxe.
Later
"When's the air conditioning going to come on?" Trixie, a towel wrapping her hair, asked.
"We don't have it," Maud said from her bed.
"Was that a joke?"
"No teeth."
"Why?" Trixie nearly screamed the question.
"Parents are environmentally-conscious. You get used to it." Maud fluffed her camisole, pulled a sheet up and tucked her washed and buffed pet rock into bed beside her. "Take off what you need. Turn up the fan's speed if you like. Boulder won't mind. Aeolian erosion will not hurt him unless we leave it on for a few thousand years. Good night!"
Trixie, resting on the floor, had a difficult time getting to sleep and eventually tossed her flannel pajama shirt into a corner. Still, when she did slumber, she had surprisingly good dreams starring herself and a pliably willing grey-skinned assistant.
Morning
Trixie stretched and got up and went to the bathroom. Then she returned to find Maud already awake and dressed. "Good morning," Maud nodded at Trixie, then looked away.
Trixie jerked anxiously, covered her unclothed chest with her arms, and scrambled to her bedding.
"The Great and Powerful Trixie," Maud said. "Were you bit by mosquitoes or other insects?"
"No.... I'm sorry you don't like their size--"
"Not that. This may be rude... and I only had a glance, but do you have a rash? It was a hard day of work for you yesterday. It is not unexpected to acclimate. We have creams--"
"No."
"I am sorry, I did not realize those red bumps were natural. They are very beautiful and I am embarrassed for assuming. It is difficult to be a good host. I have not had anyone over recently. My experience is slight. I say weird things."
Trixie squirmed into her day shirt. "When I misbehave, mother pinches me."
"Those are a lot of pinches."
"I'm not a good daughter."
Maud blinked. "That's abuse."
Trixie put on her leggings. "Don't worry about it. I'm not a good daughter and I keep doing what she doesn't want. I mean, I intentionally DID have invisible ink blow up in his shirt pocket and a normal kid wouldn't do that. But I'm weird and queer and strange and stupid and it was invisible ink and he was always laughing before and I thought he had a sense of humor. And she threw out a lot of my magic equipment." Trixie sniffed and buried her head in her hands.
"The Great and Powerful Trixie," Maud said.
Trixie choked back tears and raised her head to smile back at Maud.
"Those parental actions are inappropriate and unexpected," Maud continued.
"I don't have friends, Maud. I don't want to be taken care of by some random family. I don't want to move away. There may not be such easy access to magic stores and... I don't have anywhere to go."
"I think you do." Maud spread hands, indicating her house.
"I don't want to cause her trouble."
"Would she let you stay here?"
"Maybe. It'd be easier for her."
"I can ask my parents." Maud waited. Trixie wrung her hands.
"May I?"
Trixie took a deep breath, then she looked at Maud. "Yes.... But if it's a problem--"
"It's not."
"I'm a problem girl. A problem student."
"So am I. We'll solve this problem. Then you can help solve mine." Maud shook Trixie's hand in a strong rock-hard grip.
"Yours?" Trixie frowned. "But you're perfect."
Maud hugged her. "You're already solving it. You really rush things, The Great and Powerful Trixie. Thank you!" She squeezed Trixie until she noticed her struggling to breathe.
"No problem," Trixie said.
Author's Note
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