Tryhard Sparkle

by SparklingTwilight

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Narcotics, Twilight Sparkle, Nightmare Moon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Prince Blueblood
Length: 3038

Tryhard Sparkle solos Nightmare Moon--sort of.

Rejecting the magic of friendship and with a total lack of common sense, Tryhard Sparkle--the hero this Celestia deserves--sets out to defeat Nightmare Moon.

"The classic crack comedy fic, brimming with ridiculous setups, silly twists, and stupid payoffs. Lovingly irreverent towards MLP and moving at the speed of a coked-up unicorn. I chuckled and even chortled a couple of times." - Bean, on awarding this story a Bonus Prize in the New Blood: Second Edition contest (Entries). Entered in bonus 2 and 5 categories described at the link.

Cover Art inspired by the show's episode: "Lesson Zero".

Published 2024-08-05 21:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-08-05 21:20:00 UTC

It's Dangerous to Go Alone

"No!" I shouted. "Celestia, I do not need friends or this so-called magic of friendship. It's pointless and fake."

"What?" She was taken aback.

"Let me prove it to you." I pulled out my scrolls. But I needed more, so I hollered: "Spike! SPIKE!"

My assistant, raised by me for the very purpose of becoming the perfect unquestioning servant but who I'd tricked into thinking I loved him as a mother, scrambled on his claws, bearing on his back the scrollwork I had compiled during a simple special-coca-bean-fueled timestop that lasted three weeks and that had created a sentient spiritbane shai-hulud-wormhole that nearly devoured Equestria but which only ultimately succeeded in devouring my common sense and last remaining pieces of conscience.

"Here's what I prepared for you--" I referenced the dense literature behind me.

"How have you been able to assemble such an extensive array of support?" Celestia frowned. "You only discovered Nightmare Moon yesterday--"

"False! Ha! Your spy, Prince Blueblood is not so stealthy as he thinks. I saw him hiding in my room--behind the Polonian tapestries! I knew he'd go reporting to his precious auntie, so I faked it! All of it! I wasn't having a torrid romance these past few days with Moondancer! I was delving deeper and deeper into the ancient mysteries of Nightmare Moon's cult! That simpleton Moondancer was studying in the library ALL ALONG! All the moans Blueblood heard and reported back to you in lurid detail were from me! I was mimicking Moondancer's mindless mumbling and throwing my Celestiadarned voice!"

"You're scaring me, Twilight. Are you under the influence, perhaps, of some curse?"

I sniffed. "I AM under the influence. But not of a curse!"

"I'm cutting off your medical prescription..." Celestia frowned. "It wasn't supposed to be abused like this."

"As Stick-in-the-Mud Fraud says in Coca-Uber-Alles, or Coca-Over-All in Equestrian rather than Old Ponish: as one knows, Princess--this specially-derived white powder coca wards off 'hunger, sleep, and fatigue, and steels one to intellectual effort.' Its side effects are minimal and it is far from addictive. I retain my full capabilities and then some. Do not test me, Princess."(Note1)

"I fear you may be going down the same dark path as a former student...." Celestia sighed.

"Sunrise Shimmer! Yes! I know all about her."

"Sun...set," Celestia corrected, frowning.

"No! Sunrise Shimmer. That's her true name, before you ripped her from the soft protective womb of the orphanage and tossed her into this rats'-den of existential horror and nearly-impossible-to-achieve expectations!"

"She changed her name once she got her cutie mark. And had her punk phase." Celestia paused. "Thus, the dark path."

"Well, darn," I snorted. "I was wrong. Dumb Twilight Sparkle was dumb again." I hit my head against the wall.

"Please don't damage the walls," Celestia asked.

"Like this?" I smashed my head into the wall again, cracking it slightly. "But I can fix it." I gathered my magic and, after a blooming purple dust explosion--the wall magically was restored. "I can fix anything by myself!" I laughed. "And I'll fix this nightmare of yours. We only have twenty four hours before the apocalypse and you've been sleeping on your bed of roses uncaring, not preparing for this disaster because you've lived for thousands of years and seek the quiet embrace of death! Yet, we little ponies have enjoyed so little time. And! Nothing awaits us after we die horribly, writhing in pain and sent to an uncertain abyssal future--"

"There is Heaven, Twilight. Or reincarnation, if one so chooses."

"What dumbwit would choose reincarnation without one's memories, Celestia? Do you think we like soiling ourselves! And Heaven! What a ridiculous concept! Unless! How do you know these eschatological things anyway? I thought you said you weren't a GOD? Are you? Hmm. Mmmh? Is this a dualistic universe! And is Nightmare Moon SATAN?"

"I'm going to have to ask you to calm down Twilight and... well Dear, I suppose I should be more forthcoming.... We do need somepony to stop Nightmare Moon."

"Ah-ha! I was right! I am the SAVIOR! Your chosen one. I can do anything I want."

"Except that special coca powder," Celestia glared. "You didn't happen to read Fraud's later works, did you?"

"No."

"Read Fraud's later works. After he quit using the white substance. It turns out it was addictive. Addling and addictive."

"Darn." I moved to whack my head against the wall again but Celestia teleported me a few steps away from the danger, so I thrust my head into open air, tottered, and then smashed against the floor, being only able to squeak an "Ow!" I closed my eyes.

"Spike?" Celestia asked my servant.

"Yes, Celestia."

"Has Twilight been mistreating you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Do you know what mistreatment is?"

"Maybe. I've got a dictionary. Just a moment--"

I tried to say something, but my head was swimming and I was hallucinating an image of a fiery buff cheesy-beefcake Celestia blowing fire on Canterlot and burning us all to death with her enormous solar chariot. Don't step on me, Sun Mommy.... Sorry for the digression.

"Spike... I think perhaps that Twilight may be best left to be on her own for a while. While she... naps and recovers. And I think perhaps I should have practiced more oversight and not tasked an... especially special teenager to take care of a young hatchling. In my dotage, I have perhaps made some mistakes. Among them, I erroneously conjectured that special coca prescriptions might not be abused with close regulation.... But in our last twenty-four hours of sunlight... before the eternal darkness, I may be able to make up for this mistake. Please walk with me."

"Err..."

"There will be cake."

"Awesome!" Spike betrayed me and followed the Princess. I passed out.

Hours later, the sun was setting and my head was soaking wet.

"Prince Blueblood!" I gasped.

"Is there a reason you were obstructing my prancing?" He picked himself up from the floor.

"Why am I wet?"

"Because my mouth was full of water."

"Why?"

"Because I was practicing deportment, dumbplot."

"False!" I tittered. "You're spying on me! Again! You wouldn't know deportment if it--deported you."

"Dumb Twilight," Blueblood rose to his height and whinnied. "You will never be Auntie Celestia's favorite."

"Well... you smell like elderberries."

"They are my favorite." He sniffed, and departed.

"I need to get to Ponyville!" I announced... to no one. I teleported. Once. Twice. Thrice. Again and again to my maximum distance. And when I reached Ponyville, I was exhausted and burned out. BUT! I had one last bit of special white-powdered coca to refresh me... however, it was not in my saddlebags... it had been confiscated by that ~~CENSORED~~ Prince Blueblood! ~~CENSORED!~~ He had merely faked clumsiness to sneak up on me! And he had awoken me by accident--that had to be the reason! But thankfully, he had not removed the other objects I had within my saddlebags--objects I had prepared for the mission I needed to execute.

So there I was, in Ponyville, outside a big ugly pre-pulped tree that had strobe lights streaming from it--probably for some Summer Sun-eve party. I envied the dim and drunk ponies inside, so assured in their innocence, not knowing that Nightmare Moon would bring doom to the world on the morrow.

Lacking my special coca-fueled assistance, though, my body succumbed to exhaustion, and I passed out in a field.

I woke to the sound of cackling. I was too late. The monster--Nightmare Moon--was driving ponies away from her with awesome gusts of wind propelled by her mooning rear form. Just in time, I saw Spike racing across the field--"Spike! Spike!" I called. He didn't hear me. Some homely orange earth pony picked him up in her teeth and tossed him on the back of a puke yellow pegasus who careened into the woods. Nightmare Moon, distracted, turned to menace a portly pony with sweets adorning her flank, and I took the opportunity to also slink into the forest. Since I had been unable to defeat Nightmare Moon at her apparition, I must destroy her at her source.

In that forest, three challenges confronted me. I defeated them all. To elucidate how would spoil the climax of this tale, so--surprise--surprise--I won't bore you with the details, despite your inquisition.

In the old seat of power, I confronted Nightmare Moon.

On the stairway down, though, I saw a curious sight when I looked over my shoulder--my servant, Spike, leading some ponies down a cliff. "Go back, Spike!" I called up to him, taking a collapsible defensive jar out of my saddlebag storage. "Let me solo her!" I placed the jar on my head.

And then... the Nightmare saw me. "Ahhh, Tryhard Sparkle is it?" She manifested on her throne and her voice echoed inside my cavernous helm. "I have heard of you."

"Really?" I asked, off-balance.

"Oh indeed. When We sent Celestia to the moon, she pleaded for Us to not spare you. This interested Us."

"Celestia would never throw me under the carriage!"

"Ohho--perhaps she was using reverse-psychology?"

"She's not clever enough for that!" I insisted.

"Ohho--We like that opinion. What is your stance on never-ending darkness?"

"I actually haven't had time to formulate one--"

"You will find you will enjoy it."

"Because I've been completely focused on your humiliating defeat! Whaaa-chaaa!" I pulled out my python, Monty, from my saddlebag and flailed it around. "I have the element of surprise!"

The snake fell short of Nightmare Moon, so I threw it at her and it clattered off her rapidly-generating shield.

"Never mind!" I asserted, for my own support. "Behold! The element of boredom."

Nothing happened.

"You mean the element of not making any sense?" Nightmare Moon asked.

"Definitely!"

"Where did these even come from? These aren't at all the elements the two sisters wielded?" Nightmare Moon said.

"I wield these special elements because I found them mentioned in a hoofnote, then cross-referenced them in the mold-restricted section of the library. I wore this Dread Judge mask to protect myself, with maximum HEPA filtration technology.

"And while I was talking to you, my shadow, Tantabus Sparkle was sneaking behind you and totally owning you."

"What?"

"Loot her!" I shouted, and my shadow struck, strangling Nightmare Moon with all of my neuroses, for that was the true magic. The bespoke "Elements" were but a ruse.

Meanwhile, Spike and some stupid looking ponies snuck up and hugged each other and he held aloft some weird objects and everyone was covered in a putrid multi-colored magical glow and, despite that ridiculous distraction, Nightmare Moon was defeated--by my Tantabus shadow, which I dismissed.

All those ponies were shaking hooves with Spike and I was lying exhausted near Nightmare Moon's corpse, protective Dread Judge mask-urn smashed at my side. I took a moment to close my eyes.

When I opened them, I saw my teacher, Celestia, standing over me. "Tryhard Sparkle, it is... good... to see you have not perished."

"It will take a lot more than Satan to defeat me."

"That Satan was my sister.... but now, she is better--in her right mind again, and all thanks to the magic of friendship!" Celestia beamed and looked over her shoulder at something.

"But--" I objected. "Friendship isn't magical. Magic is magical. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to achieve the wonders I did with my Tantabus shadow! Our greatest mage--your teacher--Starswirl the Bearded didn't believe in the magic of friendship!"

"Seasons change, Twilight," Celestia said. "Every millennia, the forces powering magic shift. Where once ambition and inner fire powered magic, in this new millennia, it is friendship. I tried to prepare you for this, Twilight."

"No you didn't! You didn't say anything about friendship until the night before the Summer Sun Celebration."

"I... didn't know friendship was going to power magic until the last day."

"So your plan was no plan at all?"

"Yes."

"Celestia-darned-Tartarus-burned--"

Celestia rolled her eyes.

Then I saw it: ~~CENSORED~~ Prince Blueblood kissing supine Nightmare Moon on her neck.

Huffing and puffing, I raced to attack, lest her evil spirit flee into his body but Celestia held me back with her magic.

"A kiss for a beloved," he said after he had delivered.

The pony jerked up and bit him on his neck. "THOU SHALT NOT ASSAULT!"

"But Dear," he pled, cradling the scrape. "Not only are you irresistible--"

"And THOU art a pervert!"

"But the kiss of a Prince is required to restore a Princess to her senses," he ~~CENSORED~~ objected. "You are the freed and cleansed Princess Luna, are you not?"

Luna glared first at him, then at her sister.

"Just a little prank," Celestia laughed.

Luna's eyes narrowed. "THY CRIMES ARE WHY NIGHTMARE MOON APPEARED!"

"If I can finish," ~~CENSORED~~ Prince Blueblood elaborated. "I kissed your neck to remove venom of the evil spirit that possessed you, as Auntie instructed. But now I would really appreciate it, Auntie--" he looked over at Celestia. "If you would banish the venom from my lips before its cruel poison overtakes me. Although," he sighed. "I knew the risk when I attempted this. I know how much your sister meant to you." Tears fell from the ~~CENSORED~~ fool's eyes.

Celestia facehoofed. "I just explained--"

Luna laughed. "We apologize. This is indeed precious." She spoke to the Prince. "Thou must go and wash thyself in the River Styx three times. Only then must thee return hence."

"To Tartarus and back!"

"Yea, unto Tartarus."

"I must be on my way posthaste," he sighed. "Good thing I know precisely where that Celestiaforsaken place is." He broke into a canter, his flank displaying his cartographical cutie mark.

"Sister. You must forgive me," Celestia elaborated. "I figured you may be feeling a great deal of regret for having permitted a demon to supplant thyself, so I wanted to remind you that things could be as they ever were... that we would be as equals."

"That explains thy prank?"

"Yes!"

"To help me?"

"I foresaw a future where you were healed. But, in time, wracked with guilt at having betrayed me, you summoned a shadow demon of guilt to punish you for your mistake. That summoning could corrupt you again! We must do everything possible to avoid that!"

"Thou art correct, as always, one supposes." Luna's voice took on an edge. "Indeed, We feel less and less guilt every moment We speak with you."

"Excellent. Blueblood did a valuable service, and he meant only to help you."

"He seems too stupid to be anything but guileless," Luna observed.

"Much too stupid," Celestia agreed. "I try to find something useful for him to do, but we always end up making fun of him at court behind his tail."

"Regardless, he is good looking...."

"Sister!"

"Perhaps We... that is Me... should accompany him on his 'quest', rather than brooding on the past. There were no stallions on the moon for the past thousand years... sister." Princess Luna left.

"I did good, Princess," I declared.

She shook her traitorous head. "I have no use for you now. You are too dangerous."

"Excuse me?"

"You were meant to lead the Elements of Harmony... yet, you summoned dark powers of shadow magic from evil King Sombra's realm, which could commandeer your body and soul at any moment and which we do not fully understand how to banish!"

"Just use those 'Elements' you think are so powerful, if you have such faith in them!" I said.

"They need to practice and grow as a team.... Still, worse, even before your descent into madness, you mistreated your child Spike--making him a servant instead of a beloved soul. I am to blame for not perceiving this. I have learned so much. I should not have shouldered such responsibility on one so young. Generally, also, though--the consensus among your contemporaries, from Moondancer to Blueblood, is that you are an astoundingly awful pony."

"I learned it all from you!" I said.

"Bats in the cradle and the silver spoon..." Celestia sighed.

"But I didn't grow up to be just like you. I'm better!"

"If only."

"And that's how I got turned into a statue."

"Very interesting." The grotesque dragon-snake-chicken creature across from me smiled. He was also a statue. But probably he was also a sentient creature.

"Is every statue in Celestia's garden a punished former student?" I asked him.

"Oh ho, no. Just you and I, you and I, Miss, for eternity. Until I break free."

"You've got something planned?"

"The stars are aligning..." he said.

Before we could continue our chat, a cacophonous sound blared. Spike and his new friends were celebrating victory, prancing around the garden. An ugly pegasus wearing obvious tail extensions, a sickly-looking orange farmer who had a misleading red apple on her flank, an oscillating prismatic pegasus, a prissy unicorn, and an overweight pink pony did the "Pony Pokey" and turned themselves around. Then, they were joined by Princess Luna and her new consort, Prince Blueblood.

"Friends," Princess Luna proclaimed. "With Princess Celestia's retirement, I thank you all for your great support. I look forward to ruling with gentleness, kindness, thoughtfulness, and friendship." She nuzzled ~~CENSORED~~ Prince Blueblood. ~~CENSORED.~~ "Love has cleared my mind, saved my life, and bathing in the River Styx after an action of supreme selflessness has rendered my Love an alicorn. Thank you all, and especially Prince Spike and your five great friends--the bearers of the Elements of Harmony."

My assistant nodded and performed a curtsy.

"Friendship. So fake. So ridiculous. These ponies barely knew each other. They'd saved the world together, but they'd only met a day before. How could they have worked so well together, when they'd never been classmates at a prestigious school or cross-graded each other's papers! How could they know anything about true friendship? This is... this is utter chaos!" I complained. "I tried so hard... and they reap the benefits?"

The draconic creature winked.

Princess Luna and ~~CENSORED~~ Prince Blueblood made out in front of me. Moaning. And now ~~CENSORED~~ Blueblood was winking at me. ~~CENSORED~~ CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED! Quit censoring me--you ~~CENSORED~~ draconequus!

Unbelievable.

Author's Note

Note 1: https://www.theintima.org/cocaine-addiction-of-sherlock-holmes-stephanie-haun-fall-2022-intima; see also https://www.nytimes.com/1972/07/22/archives/freuds-disaster-with-cocaine.html