Religious Talk in Tartarus

Tartarus was hot. This was beyond common knowledge, enshrined in the everyday language with the phrase “hot as Tartarus”, used to refer to weather, food that just left the stove, or a living creature, preferably outside their hearing. That Tartarus was hot was known millenia before its real nature was discovered. But when it was found out that Tartarus was a planet far away from Sol, an explanation for its other properties were discovered.

Tartarus d, a name more scientific and somewhat less imposing than a simple Tartarus was a planet with a mass far greater than that of Earth, tidally locked with its parent star. That also meant it was not always hot, but saying that to a patrolling pony would net a thrown rock in response. Nor did the soldiers care that scientists could now say that the gravity, half larger than that of Earth, had a scientific explanation. The E.U.P Guards stationed on Tartarus merely joined their ancestors in simply believing the place was cursed.

Lance Corporal Lunar Note trotted through the base, heading for the vehicle depot. His battalion had spent five months on Tartarus, and during that time had learned to loathe the world. The temperature at the eternal twilight zone never seemed to be at a comfortable level, and the gravity quickly exhausted patrolling ponies and broke their equipment, not meant to handle such stress. If it were up to Note, they would just leave the place and blast all the portal gates leading there. But creatures that outranked him by several orders of magnitude had decided that Tartarus made for a convenient prison, so there he was, garrisoning the worst garrison to ever exist.

“Note, wait a moment!” Came a cry from behind the azure blue stallion. He paused, and a mare galloped up to him, her field cap slightly askew. The yellowish-white unicorn’s uniform barely reached the bare minimum of cleanliness when no officer was looking, but she was skilled enough with her magic that her squad leader would pointedly ignore that little flaw. They were aided in that by the dimness of the distant sun barely visible through the near constant cloud cover.

“Coming to the depot?” the earth-pony asked as the unicorn reached his side.

“Yeah, and I’ll be staying there until further notice. Just got back from a chat with Cap,” private Berry Serenade answered. She sounded unconcerned, but Note knew that their company commander was not one to call ponies into his office for idle chatter.

“Go on,” he probed.

“Well, remember when we were OPFOR two weeks ago? Well I figured I should really get into the role so I got some sap from those blue, crystal shaped plants, and tweaked hard for the whole exercise.”

“Ah for fuck’s sake!”

“Hey, it’s not too bad: no more foliage clearing for me!”

Lunar Note shook his head in dismay, but did not comment further as the two reached the vehicle depot. The single story building was made of gray concrete, the only features along the smooth surface being the dark blue doors and the row of windows near the roof. The two stepped inside and were instantly assaulted by a wall of noise and smell as dozens of ponies worked on the vehicles parked inside the building. Most were from their unit. The weekly upkeep was done by the ponies using the vehicles, and the specialists of maintenance companies were only called in when they could not solve the problem.

The two walked to the other end of the hall, where a tracked armored personnel carrier had its rear ramp open, the clatter of tools echoing from the inside. Next to the APC was a tank with its turret hanging from a crane, surrounded by its crew. Caballus Mk2 was better known for breaking on the planet than for its actual performance.

“Right, get the vacuum cleaner,” Note ordered, heading for the APC’s rear hatch.

“Your help is here!” He called out, and was rewarded with a clank. His helmet dented, the vehicle’s commander climbed out through the driver’s hatch onto the rough metal roof.

“Great!” Wrench said. The large pegasus stallion seemed to be physically unable to lower his volume, causing Note’s ears to twitch. “You can start by removing the rubber mattress! Now giddyup!”

Rolling his eyes, Note obeyed, scattering dirt, dust, feathers and the odd smither of plant or fungal matter that came with the mattress onto the floor. The earth pony looked into the vehicle and grimaced. The off-white metal floor was caked with a thick layer of dirt.

“Oh Celestia, that’s rancid. When did you last clean this?”

“Right before that exercise! Gave it some time to marinate!”

“Clearly! Also did I hear Berry’s voice?”

“Yeah,” Note answered, realizing that the mare should have been back by now. “I think she stopped to chat with someone.”

“Should’t do that, that’s a P-P-E!”

Perks Provided by Experience were little and more-than-little unofficial pleasures enjoyed by those with at least one chevron in their sleeve. As the number of chevrons increased, so too did the number and scale of the perks, but as Lance Corporals Note and Wrench enjoyed the simplest among them: gossip.

“Yeah, well, she’s adjusting to being a rear-line-mare.”

“Ah shit, is it because she was high!?”

“You knew?”

“Of course! You don’t get eyes like that from just being tired!”

As though summoned by Wrench’s voice, a very real possibility, Berry emerged from around the APC, levitating a vacuum cleaner in the yellow aura of her magic. Nodding at the two stallions, she walked up the ramp and instantly wrinkled her muzzle.
“Oh Boreas, that’s rancid.”

“Boreas!?” Wrench asked, confused. Neither had ever heard the mare swear by a god, and they would have expected Celestia to be her first choice. Maybe some northern pony might believe in the griffon gods, but not a filly from Hoofington. “Did you swear by Boreas!?”

“Fucking right I did, I’m not dumb.”

The explanation only left Note more confused. “Private, explain.”

“It’s simple,” Note said, gesturing about with the vacuum still held in her magic, the cord attached to . “Different folks have different gods, one of them has to be right, right?”

Note looked up at Wrench, who could only offer a confused look back. As though she had not seen the gesture, Berry continued.

“So, which god do you worship? Our Celly doesn’t like when ponies see her as a god, so there’s no penalty to not believing in her.”

“But she IS a god,” Note muttered under his breath.

“Then there are the deer gods. Especially the Everfree gods. You go to a paradise if you worship them, but if you don’t? Poof! You’re gone once you die, which isn’t too bad. Then there are the Ibex gods who don’t really give a shit about the afterlife. But Boreas, if you go by the strictest followers, will fucking megamurder you if you don’t believe in him. So I believe in him, and I have my bases covered.”

Her rant finished, Berry leaned towards the two, clearly expecting an answer. Finally Wrench spoke. “You’re a fucking genius!”

“I wish I fucked. But yeah, got to clean this.”

As Berry disappeared into the bowels of the vehicle, the pegasus standing on top of it leaned down. “Think she’s onto something!?”

“I am,” echoed from the inside, barely audible over the sound of the vacuum cleaner.

“I suppose,” Lunar Note muttered, shuffling on his hooves. He did not like the mare’s flippant attitude towards Celestia. Then again, they were on Tartarus, and according to his parents Celestia’s gaze did not extend to the accursed place, so maybe Berry’s minor blasphemy could be ignored.

“I think she’s going somewhere, but she could improve. Yeahcarion.”

The familiar voice behind them caused both stallions to tense up before the tired order to carry on, condensed to a single sound, made them relax. The sergeant commanding the tank under repair was an easygoing mare, and had served long enough to not bother with the formalities of her rank. However, with three chevrons instead of one, she was a three times greater gossiper than the two lance corporals.

“I reckon getting high answers all sorts of questions about the divine, but I like my job so not doing that.”

“Right. But does she need to do more drugs to improve?” Note asked, while turning to inspect one of the boxes hanging from the vehicle’s side. The bolts holding it in place were bent and needed replacing.

“Nah, she’s had enough of those, but what she needs is a funnier god.”

“Fnnr?” Note mumbled, a crescent wrench between his teeth.

“Exactly! All the gods she listed have millions of followers,” The tanker explained, her purple eyes jumping from Wrench to Note and back. “She needs to find a god that has like ten worshippers hiding under a desk and join them. Because something made the world, right, it didn’t pop out of nowhere, and it would be really fucking funny if it was the god with the least worshippers.”

Wrench, having fixed the APC’s turret for the duration of the sergeant’s speech, yelled. “That’s like seven different kinds of heresy!”

“I aim big. Are you doing regular maintenance, or did something break?”

“Regular breakage! Gunner’s ring is not turning, again, and the tracks need replacing.”

“Almost like this place is Tartarus,” the sergeant suggested. “Just a bunch of ponies running around playing soldiers. Would also explain our lieutenant.”

Note laughed, and moved the wrench to his hooves. “That’s your punishment for heresy.”

“He’s been my platoon leader for a year, and I only heresied right now.”

Drawing from the lessons imprinted onto him by his parents, Note began in a clear voice. “But Celestia knew you would sin, so she sent the L-T as a test long before that happened, for she is wise and knows all. And as you failed, he was also your punishment.”

“Is that also why we’re here?” Berry asked, peeking her head out of the vehicle.

“Yeah, it… Where the fuck was I going with that?”

“Some kind of religious rant I guess!” Wrench provided. “Didn’t know you had it in you!”

“Yeah, me neither. Holy shit, I think my father just possessed me.”

“Is it Celestia’s shit if it is holy?” Berry continued.

“You can send her a letter and ask. Damn, I came here to help clean the APC and next I know I’m going full preacher.”

The tanker sergeant shook her head. “The place does that to you. Right, we’re not fixing our turret today, might as well help you and then get chow. I’m fucking starving.”

After finally replacing the bolts, Note picked up a rag and moved to scrub the vehicle’s floor. Berry had gotten rid of the worst mess, but there was still black grime stuck to every crook and cranny.

“So Notie, you’re also the religious type?” Berry spoke up.

“Not as religious as you, despite what you just saw. That was my father speaking. You’ve clearly thought things out.”

“Gotta be smart when you’re dumb enough to join the army. But you lot will manage without me, right?”

Lunar Note paused his scrubbing. The mare actually sounded serious.

“Yeah, it won’t all depend on one mare,” Note said, trying to cheer her up. “And it’ll do you good to steer clear of the plants.”

“Fuck you,” she laughed. “I did my job right, but the army can’t handle smart.”

Shaking his head, Note returned to work with a slight smile on his face.