You Know Not What You Have Done
My name is Misty Brightdawn and for ten years of my life, at least what I can truly remember, I served an evil fire alicorn named Opaline. She took every opportunity to make me feel worthless, alone, and lower than dirt. For the longest time, I tried to do everything in my power to make her proud. After all, she found me when I was but a vulnerable young filly. She didn't have to do that, and she made sure to remind me of that every day. I owed her my life. Had she not found me, I would've died from starvation or some wild beast out there.
However, no matter what I did, I was never enough. In her eyes, I was nothing but a worthless failure, and she always made sure I knew it as much as she did. And I believed her. How could I not? For ten years, she was the only pony I'd ever known. It wasn't like my work reflected otherwise either. I constantly failed her, whatever mission I was sent out to do, whether it was cleaning, organizing her potion bottles, or even just when I'd draw her a picture, there were only a few times I can remember coming to her successfully.
Naturally, my motivation would decline, even to the point where even the hope of earning my cutie mark wouldn't be enough to raise my spirits. After all, if I kept failing, what was the point of trying? What was the point of continuing if all I ever did was let the only pony in my life down? If all I was was a worthless failure, why aspire to be anything else?
I remember the lowest point of my life the most. I was thirteen. I was falling into a deep depression. Nothing was like it used to be. My mission to make Opaline proud seemed suddenly meaningless. My desire for a cutie mark was no longer important to me. I felt numb inside. I had barely even felt my love for Opaline. Yes, I had loved Opaline. She was the pony who raised me after all. For those ten years, she was like a mother to me. But, even that seemed to dim until I barely felt it. I felt like a zombie going through life with nothing to win or lose. I failed at more tasks until I no longer succeeded whatsoever. Opaline would take her anger out on me, only confirming the horrible thoughts in my head.
It all built up, until one day, I refused to get out of bed. Opaline had come to my room, demanding to know why I was being so lazy. That I'm useless if I can't do anything. That shame on me for making her come all the way here and drag me out of bed. I remember her walking up to me, but besides a few tears, I barely reacted.
At this point, in our usual song and dance, I'd start apologizing profusely, begging her to show me mercy, though she never did. However, that day I didn't say a word. I just continued lying on my bed, tears streaming down my face. It must've hit her that this method of manipulation wasn't working. That she had to try something new.
It was then that she crouched down and whispered something into my ear that she thought would cure my depression once and for all. After all, feeling worthless to the only and most important pony in my life was the source. However, what she said simply kept my depression at bay. After all, depression isn't just a low point, it has its own ups and downs that make it so hard to spot. Those ups and downs though are just lower than normal.
Still, though, I'll never forget what she said to me. "Misty dear, do you know why I'm so hard on you? Because I believe in you. I see so much of the young pony I once was: strong, determined, destined for greatness. But that doesn't come easy. I'm preparing you, my dear. You can be so much more, I know you can. So show me. Show me the strong, powerful great pony you are."
That was the first compliment Opaline had ever given me and it meant the world to me. Every kid wanted to be just like their parents when they were little and they thought their parent was the coolest. Opaline was the only parent I had ever known. So for her to say that she saw so much of herself in me, motivated me to prove her right. To make the burden she took on by taking me in all worth it to her.
And that was the cycle we went through. She'd promise me a cutie mark, motivating me into doing everything she asked of me, I'd keep failing and she'd call me worthless and make me feel useless. I'd get depressed again and when she couldn't motivate me with a cutie mark, she'd say something along the same lines, motivating me again. Over and over for the next four years.
And then magic came back and everything changed. For one, it was actually the first time I had ever stepped hoof outside the lair. It was like a dream come true. All my hard work finally paid off. It wasn't a cutie mark, but I got to see other ponies. I didn't ever want that luxury taken away from me. So I was determined to succeed. However, the cycle remained the same.
My life, the manipulation cycle, was all normal. I didn't know better. For me, everypony my age went through the same exact thing until their parent finally felt as though they earned their cutie mark and would give it to them. I didn't know anything different. I had repressed my memories from before Opaline so I didn't remember life with Alphabittle.
However, the ponies all seemed so happy in Maretime Bay. That was the only place she'd send me of course, since there wasn't anything else of value to her anywhere else. But still, everypony was so lively, so unique, so perfect. It was as though my life was different and theirs were normal. It started to make me question whether what Opaline told me was true or not.
And then I met Izzy. Or, rather, she met me. Opaline had actually told me to be discreet on that mission and to watch the alicorn and each of her friends closely, and not get caught. I was studying Izzy when Sparky saw me and soon, so did Izzy. I tried to make my getaway, but by the time I did, in typical Izzy fashion, she had already introduced herself and invited me to a unicorn sleepover.
Since then, my life has never been happier. I had everything I ever wanted. Friends. Love. Worth. But, it went against everything she taught me. I had asked her a couple of times, and, in typical Opaline manipulation, she told me that they get to live that life because they have their cutie marks. If they found out I didn't have one, they'd cast me out. They'd hate me. They'd treat me worse than Opaline ever did. That if I had my cutie mark, I'd be just as happy as they were.
As always, it worked, but not like it always did. There was always a small voice in the back of my mind telling me that it wasn't true. And always, when Opaline's words rang through my head, somehow the five ponies Opaline hated so much would combat them. When I found that picture in the photo album, I realized they thought of me as one of them. I couldn't explain the immense emotion I felt just by that one picture. And when Opaline found it, I was terrified, but for once, I wasn't terrified of what she'd do to me. I was terrified that she'd prevent me from leaving the lair because I couldn't be trusted, taking away the time I spent with my new friends.
When Zipp found out I was a blank flank, I thought I'd beat her to the punch and just go back to Opaline's where, as Opaline told me, I had it good. But…she had stopped me, told me they needed me. Told me they loved me for who I was, cutie mark or not. I was never told I was needed or loved for who I was. The concept was foreign to me. And yet, it made me feel for the first time in my life like I wasn't worthless. Like I meant something to the world, no matter how small that world was. I never felt that before.
But still, two moments of pure happiness couldn't erase an entire lifetime of being told I was worthless and a failure, and a nuisance. While a part of me questioned Opaline's words, another part, a bigger part, still believed them. Which was why I stole Sparky. But when Opaline finally became proud of me, it didn't feel right. To earn her love, I lost myself and who I was. I didn't even know what that was until I lost it. I didn't know who I was until I saw my friends in danger. It had unlocked something in me. Me. And who I am is somepony who would never betray a friend. I believed Opaline was my friend, and I had never imagined betraying her. I made myself true friends, and I don't dream of betraying them.
Once I realized that, for the first time in my life, everything finally clicked into place. I got my cutie mark. I discovered who I was. I found my father. I found a home. A real home, with a true family, in Maretime Bay. And, together, we defeated Opaline. All the hate, all the torment, and every horrible thing I went through made me who I am. Strong. Determined. Destined, not for greatness, but for love.
But still, everything I went through was caused by one pony, and one pony alone. Opaline. And once we defeated her, I vowed to never forgive her for as long as I lived. That's what I've done my whole life. I've made excuses for what she did. I told myself that what she did was okay. That's what forgiveness was to me after all. That's what she taught me. Forgiveness is excusing one's behavior. It's submission. It's an admission that they can do anything they wish to you and it'd be okay because you'd forgive them. I told myself before that what Opaline did was okay because she was preparing me for greatness. She was shaping me into the pony she knew I could become.
Not anymore. What she did wasn't okay. I wouldn't excuse her torment. I wouldn't submit anymore. I wouldn't forgive her.
But, that all changed when I learned the true meaning of forgiveness…
"Good morning, Misty. I'm assuming you want your usual?" Sunny asked as I approached her smoothie cart.
"Yes, please," I answered with a smile.
Sunny winked at me, reached below her counter, and pulled one out. "I already have one ripe and ready for the picking. Here you go!" Sunny handed me the smoothie.
I took a long drink as flavor burst into my mouth. "Yum…thanks, Sunny. Your smoothies are the best."
"Thanks, Misty. I really appreciate–"
Suddenly, a pony cut right in front of me, knocking me over and causing me to spill my drink and fall to the ground. The mare, who had a pink coat, yellow mane, and red glasses, quickly shot me an apology and hurried over to the counter.
Before Sunny could say a word, the mare was already talking. "I'm so so sorry, Sunny but I am in a huge rush. I'm going to give a presentation soon and I had asked Sprout to put in the smoothie order a couple of days prior but he completely forgot so now I have my presentation in like half an hour and I need one hundred smoothies. STAT! I don't care what flavor, make them all the same, I don't care but I need them in half an hour. Forty-five minutes at the latest. Please."
Sunny was silent for a moment, glancing at me. "I understand you're in a hurry, but you knocked over my friend. There was no need for that. I'm sure if you just asked politely, she would've let you put your order in. Plus you spilled her drink."
"Right. I'm sorry, I barely saw the poor dear." The mare turned and helped me up before turning back to Sunny. "Make that one hundred and one smoothies. Whatever your friend wants. Thank you so much, Sunny. You are a lifesaver." And with that, the mare ran off in a panic.
Sunny sighed, before turning to me. "Sorry about that, Misty. Do you mind helping me? I'm not going to be able to do this on my own. But if you're busy, I completely understand and I can find somepony else. I just thought since you're already here–"
I raised a hoof, stopping Sunny in her explanation. "Of course I'll help you, Sunny. That's what friends are for. As long as I don't operate the blender or hand out orders." I said with a smile.
"Oh, thank you so much, Misty. Now you are the lifesaver. Come on in around back. I'll need to close up shop until we get these done. We'll need to put all of our time into these for the next half hour."
Once I was in the smoothie cart, I began grabbing the ingredients she told me to as she worked the blender. "Who was that mare, anyway?" I asked as I put the fruit on the counter next to Sunny, who began pouring the blended smoothies into the cups perfectly without making a mess.
I grabbed the white lids and straws that go to them and began putting them in the already-filled cups. Luckily, Zipp and Pipp band together to get her the mega blender for orders like this. It'd make ten cups per blend, which was a lifesaver. I made a mental note to thank Zipp and Pipp when we got back to the Brighthouse later.
"She was kind of rude," I continued as I then used my magic to move the smoothie cups from the counter to her portable fridge thing. No matter how many times she told me what it was, I always forgot. Once the cups were in it, I then moved back to the small fridge and began pulling out more ingredients.
"Oh, that was just Phyllis. You know, Phyllis Cloverleaf?" Sunny said with a heavy sigh. "Can you get me more sugar and another bag of ice please?"
I quickly grabbed the sugar and ice from the cupboard with my magic and floated them over to her. "As in Sprout's mom?"
"Yep. That's her. Hitch may lay down the law, but she influences the ponies of Maretime Bay. The earth ponies, anyway. Well, she did. I'm not quite so sure anymore. She's remained pretty much on the down-low since magic came back." Sunny put the lid on the blender. "Warning, second round of loudness."
I knew about Phyllis Cloverleaf all too well, and I knew about Sprout even more. Of course, I wasn't here when Sprout made his big debut, but the ponies around here still talk about what happened. Not that I blame them. Sprout making that big robot machine thing was not only a stupid move but a dangerous one. He was lucky nopony got hurt.
As for Phyllis, well, I didn't know what to think about her. Mostly because I didn't know what Sunny thought about her. Out of all the ponies in Maretime Bay, it was Phyllis who gave Sunny and her father the most grief. From what I heard, she would constantly put them down and basically manipulate the ponies in Maretime Bay to make her and her father outcasts. Sunny only had one true friend growing up. Hitch. Sprout was always just…there. Sunny told me he mostly hung out with her because Hitch hung out with her and since Hitch's dad was sheriff at the time, he wanted to make nice with the sheriff's son so he'd have a chance to become sheriff.
But, other than Hitch, Sunny didn't really have friends. Mostly because of Phyllis Cloverleaf. Phyllis was like a miniature, powerless Opaline on a much smaller scale. That fact alone made me hate her, not that I'd ever tell Sunny that.
I remained silent for the remainder of the time we made Phyllis's smoothies, and Sunny didn't say a word. It seemed that Phyllis's rude behavior put her in a…not quite grumpy, but more of an off mood.
"Here you go, Miss Cloverleaf," Sunny said with a smile as I rolled in next to her after falling behind, spreading my hooves to try and stay balanced. I am not and never was meant for roller skates, but Sunny insisted so we'd make it there on time.
Sunny already had her smoothie cart unlatched and was already giving it to Phyllis. "Thank you so much, dear."
"Oh, it was no problem, Miss Cloverleaf. Anything to help." Sunny smiled, and as I studied her, I could see it was genuine, though, I wasn't sure why after all the grief she put Sunny and her father through.
"You're much too nice, Sunny." I mentally snorted. Who knew I'd agree with Phyllis Cloverleaf about something? "But, I am sorry about how I came barging in with this near-impossible order. I honestly thought Sprout would remember if he put it in his phone. And when I asked him, he said he did it. Probably lied to save his own flank. He only admitted it earlier when I asked him to pick it up and that's when I came rushing over. Though, perhaps I was a little rude when it came to how I approached things. And for that, I'm sorry."
"It's fine, Miss Cloverleaf. Happens to the best of us. Just try to remember to be a little nicer next time."
"Oh, yes. Which reminds me," Phyllis turned to me, smiling politely, though I could see judgment all over her face. "I'm so sorry, I didn't quite catch your name."
"Misty," I answered shortly, not nearly as friendly. Sunny may be quick to forgive, but I was not.
"Oh, what a wonderful name. Do you mind helping me bring these in? I only ask because you're still attached to your cart and I can't carry two carts on my own."
I very much did mind, but one glance at Sunny kept my mouth closed. Sure I may not have liked Phyllis, but this was Sunny's livelihood and I was not about to let Phyllis give a bad review because I didn't help bring the cart that was already attached to me when I was perfectly capable.
However, as soon as I took a couple of steps, I tripped on my own hooves as I tried to swerve out of the way of an oncoming pony and knocked into Phyllis and the both of us fell to the ground. Okay. Maybe perfectly capable was a bit of a stretch. I swear, one of these days it's going to be these roller skates or my clumsiness that's going to get me killed.
"On second thought, why don't I help you, Miss Cloverleaf." Sunny chuckled as she helped me up.
"Yeah, that might be best," I agreed with a chuckle of my own as I used my magic to unattach the mobile cart and gave it to Sunny.
"You can go on ahead if you have other plans. Thanks for your help, Misty. I seriously couldn't have done it without you." And with that, the two of them walked away, Sunny saying something that made Phyllis laugh.
I sat down on the grass by the entrance, took off the skates with my magic, and walked away, carrying the skates, intending to drop them off at Sunny's smoothie cart before heading back to the Brighthouse. This whole interaction, the way Sunny acted, all of it genuine, confused me. Sunny definitely wasn't a pushover like I used to be, so why did it seem like Sunny forgave Phyllis so quickly? Or at all? Why would Sunny excuse Phyllis's behavior and years of manipulation?
It just didn't make sense…
"Hey, Sunny? Can we talk in private for a moment?" I asked after we've all eaten dinner and our friends were each doing their own thing.
All day, I couldn't stop thinking about the way Sunny seemed to forgive Phyllis so completely, for everything, not just for what happened today, but for how Phyllis treated her for all those years. What Phyllis did was rude, wrong, and mean. Phyllis was a bully in a shepherd's skin, leading the lambs to outcast the little lamb who dared to think differently. So why did Sunny forgive her when it wasn't okay? When Phyllis didn't deserve it.
Sunny turned to face me, and she must've understood the look on my face because her mood quickly sobered up. "Yeah. Sure. We can talk on the balcony if you want."
I nodded and the two of us walked up the ramp, to the elevator, and arrived on the balcony, walking to the railing and away from the Unity Crystals. All of this we did in silence.
Once we got to the railing, Sunny turned to me, her face full of concern. "Is everything okay?"
"Umm…kind of…it's just…I wanted to ask you something. Umm…what Phyllis did earlier when she pushed me out of the way…that was wrong, right?"
"Yeah. Of course it was." Sunny seemed confused, but I was getting to the point.
"And…the way she treated you and your dad before magic came back…that was wrong too…right?"
"Of course. She was manipulating the citizens in Maretime Bay to hate pegasi and unicorns and she made everypony afraid to think differently for fear of being outcasted. Why do you ask?"
I bit my lip before taking a deep breath and looking at Sunny. "If what she did was so wrong…why are you so nice to her?"
"Because it's the polite thing to do?" Sunny said, though her tone made it sound like a question, just demonstrating how confused she was. "I'm not sure I'm understanding what you're getting at, Misty."
Honestly, at this point, neither did I. So, I decided to just get straight to the point. "But…aren't you still angry with her? For what she did to you?! To your father!" I yelled, squeezing my eyes shut. "She outcasted you! She made you feel alone! She ostracized you for daring to think differently! Doesn't that anger you?! Doesn't that make you hate her?!"
Sunny was silent for a long moment following my words, as though thinking them over in her head. I watched her, wondering what was going on in her head, waiting for the answer I knew she'd give. She'd never forgive Phyllis because what Phyllis did was wrong and that didn't deserve forgiveness. Nothing could excuse what she did, which was what forgiveness was.
Finally, after a long silent moment, Sunny finally spoke. "I used to be. When I was a filly. But not anymore."
"Why?" Now I was dumbfounded. Why wasn't she mad at Phyllis? Clearly, that mare hadn't changed, because if she did, she wouldn't have been so rude to me and Sunny. The way she acted, it was as though it didn't matter how she acted because it'd be okay. After all, Sunny would forgive her. Just like Opaline taught me.
"Because I forgave her," Sunny replied after another long moment.
I was taken aback. She forgave Phyllis? Why? Phyllis didn't deserve Sunny's forgiveness. Maybe if she apologized, admitted for all those years she was wrong, made it up to Sunny, and never did what she did again, she'd deserve it. It'd make sense then. But, Phyllis didn't make it up to Sunny. She never promised to never do what she did again. Heck, I wasn't even sure if she apologized and admitted she was wrong.
"But…i‐if what she did was wrong, why…why are you excusing it?"
Now Sunny looked taken aback. "W-what…I didn't excuse anything." Sunny gave me a serious and firm look, not quite glaring, but making sure I knew just how serious she was. "What she did was, is, and always will be wrong. Nothing she says or does will ever make what she did to me and my father right, or okay, or less wrong, or whatever it is you want to call it."
"You say that…but you forgave her! So what is it? Are you or are you not excusing what she did?!" I shouted.
I'm not sure why I was getting so worked up. I'm not sure why this unsettled me so much. Sunny was her own pony. She could do whatever she wanted. If she wanted to excuse Phyllis's behavior, she could. It made no difference to me. And yet…somehow…I couldn't seem to just let it go, no matter how hard I tried.
Looking back now, I think by this part of the conversation, we weren't just talking about Sunny anymore. We were talking about me. Maybe I was scared. My whole life, I believed that forgiveness was something you earned. It was why I never forgave myself. Sure, the others forgave me, but I earned their forgiveness. Yes, I took Sparky, but in apologizing, admitting I was wrong, helping them get Sparky back and fixing my mistake, and going against the mare who raised me, I earned forgiveness. That was how it worked.
Or maybe it was because so much of my life had changed already. Everything I had ever known was flipped upside down and proven wrong. This last thing was all I had left. Sure, that life was horrible, but it was still my life. It was all I had ever known. And I was being told every part of it was wrong. I just wanted this small remnant of who I used to be to be there, just so I knew that even though I changed everything about myself, I was still that mare. I'm still the mare that suffered her whole life, just to come back out on top. But now it felt like that small remnant was being taken away and I was panicking.
Sunny gave me a stern look. "Doesn't mean I forgave both her and Sprout, doesn't mean I'm excusing their behavior."
"Yes, it does!" I yelled back, tears in my eyes. "That's what forgiving somepony means! It means you're excusing their behavior!" I opened my eyes and when Sunny saw my expression, her face seemed to soften. But I only glared at her. I was so confused, so desperate to keep the part that I was about to lose, the only thing left connecting me to the old Misty, that nothing else mattered at that moment. "You're letting them walk all over you by forgiving them! You're saying that the way they treated you is okay! You're giving them a free pass to treat you however they want!"
Sunny's soft look quickly turned hard. "I forgave them. I forgave them for me. Not for them. But don't ever mistake my forgiveness for allowance. I will never allow anypony to treat me or any of my friends however they want."
"But that's what you're doing when you forgive them! Just today, Phyllis walked all over you! She pushed me out of the way and…and just told you to fill her order with no care about you or…or me or anything! She hasn't changed! She doesn't deserve YOUR FORGIVENESS!" I yelled, tears streaming down my cheeks. "You can't forgive her just like that! YOU JUST CAN'T!"
Sunny glared at me. "Don't tell me who I can and can't forgive, Misty! And maybe they don't deserve my forgiveness, but I do. I deserve my forgiveness! Is that what you think we did for you? That we excused your behavior? Because if you think that's what we did then–"
"I don't think that! I don't think that at all! But I earned your forgiveness! I had to earn it, just like everypony else! Now you're just giving them a free pass?! That's not…that's not fair!"
And there it was. The reason why Sunny's quick forgiveness for Phyllis bothered me so much. Ultimately, in the end, I was hurt. According to my definition of forgiveness, Phyllis was just given a hand out for years of manipulation and hurting Sunny, and she didn't even change or done anything to even remotely earn it. While I had to go through great lengths just to earn mine, and I was actually sorry. I had actually changed. And Phyllis just got it for free? It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. Why? Why would Sunny do that?
Sunny's eyes widened as my words finally seemed to sink in. She took a step forward, reaching a hoof out, but I just took a step back and turned my face away, tears in my eyes, on the edge of sobbing.
After a long moment, Sunny finally seemed to find her voice. "Misty…"
"Why!? Why would you forgive Phyllis so quickly while I had to work so hard to earn your forgiveness!" Sunny opened her mouth to say something, but I inturrupted her before she could. "And don't even try to tell me I didn't have to earn it. Because I did! It wasn't until I set you free, helped you get Sparky back, and betray the mare who raised me before you finally listened to me! Yes, Opaline was evil, but do you understand how hard it was to betray the pony who raised me? For the longest time, I looked up to her like you looked up to your father. I didn't know any better. For ten years of my life, she was the only pony I ever knew and I wanted to be just like her. She manipulated me to want to be just like her! So, yeah, I had to earn it! While Phyllis literally did nothing to earn hers! So, why?! What's wrong with me that I had to go leaps and bounds to earn it!"
Sunny was silent for a long, long moment. She just stared at me, tears beginning to fill her own eyes. After a while, she blinked back her tears and took a deep breath. "Misty…you didn't have to earn our forgiveness. Everything you did, it wasn't to earn our forgiveness. It was to earn something else." Sunny paused, as though not sure how to explain it. "Misty, you can't earn forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't a pardon or an excuse for your behavior. There's nothing you can do to make another pony forgive you. All you can do is show them how sorry you are."
Tears continued to stream down my cheeks. "Then…then what is forgiveness if it isn't allowance or something you earn!"
Sunny walked up to me and put a hoof on my shoulder. "Misty, forgiveness is a conscious effort for you to make…for you. Not for them. " Sunny paused, biting her lip.
Sunny then sighed and walked over to the railing, sitting down and looking over the town of Maretime Bay. I hesitated, but when she turned and patted the balcony floor next to her, I cautiously walked up and sat down next to her. She was silent for a moment, just staring at the calm and sleeping town. There were a few stragglers, out rushing home after a long day of work.
As we sat there, Hitch walked out of the Brighthouse with Sparky on his back. As though sensing us watching him, he turned to look up at the balcony, waving goodbye when he spotted us. Sunny and I waved back before Hitch continued to the sheriff's station.
Sunny sighed before she spoke again. "You know Misty, I had asked my father the very same question. I was only ten. Phyllis would often come over to pick up Sprout, once again irritated that he was hanging out with the town's weirdos. My father stood up for the both of us, but he was never mean about it." Sunny smiled. "One time, I remember how Phyllis had just accused my father of brainwashing Hitch and Sprout with our nonsense, and my father simply said, I'll never forget his words, he said," Sunny dropped her voice in an imitation of her father's, and since I didn't know what her father's voice sounded like, I had no clue if it was accurate or not. "'It's called research, Phyllis. And, by the way, I leave all the brainwashing in Maretime Bay to you. Unicorn cupcake?'
"One day, though, I remember Phyllis had said something particularly hurtful, but my father just played it off in his typical polite fashion. I could see her comment really hurt my dad, but the next time he saw her, he was all smiles and polite. I asked him how he can be so nice to her. Why he wasn't mad about the things she said? He told me he was mad. He was really mad. He didn't care about himself so much, but he hated the way she'd treat me. The things she'd say about us, right in front of me. It'd make him angry. But, he said, that for both of our sakes, he had to choose to forgive her every night."
"Why?" I asked, confused. Why would Sunny's father have to forgive Phyllis for both their sakes? Why would forgiving her matter so much?
"I had asked my dad the same thing. Well, in so many words. Much like how you asked me earlier when it came to Phyllis. I'll never forget what my dad said. He said," As Sunny quoted her dad, she kept her voice her own, just staring out at Maretime Bay. "He said, 'Sunny Bunny, you don't forgive somepony for them. You forgive them for you. Forgiveness is not reconciliation. It isn't condoning or excusing one's action. And it isn't a decision that makes all the pain go away. It's a process that involves letting go of the anger and resentment you feel towards a pony that's harmed you. Because, if you keep hold of that anger, it will fester and grow and take over your life and when that anger's towards another pony, they are still harming you. I have to forgive Phyllis every night, so I don't let the resentment I feel towards her consume me and ruin your life.' He told me that reconciliation is earned, while forgiveness is given. Forgiveness is something you do to bring peace with yourself, so you can move on and focus on yourself."
Sunny paused, but I remained silent. I had never thought of forgiveness like that. Opaline had always taught me that forgiveness is earned. That it's your job to do everything in your power to make sure the person forgives you. Going above and beyond for them to show how sorry you are. That if they don't forgive you, it's all your fault, because you didn't show how sorry you were. And Opaline always made it near impossible for me to earn her forgiveness. I'd go just short of cutting off my own arm for her just to earn it it felt like.
However, Sunny wasn't done. "After that, every night, before I went to bed, I'd forgive anypony who ever wronged me that day. Of course, I was only ten and I didn't know what he truly meant until I was older, when something Sprout did really made me angry. It took me a couple of nights before I was finally able to forgive him. I felt like a horrible pony. I thought I was wrong for holding onto that much anger for that long. My dad told me though that forgiveness doesn't always come easy, and for the most part, forgiveness takes time. You can't expect to always forgive ponies that night. Every night, you just need to check in with yourself, try and let go of the anger, and if you find you truly can't, try again the next night. Just because you can't forgive right away, doesn't make you a bad pony. Trust me, forgiving Phyllis at times was not easy, and forgiving Sprout was even harder. After he destroyed the lighthouse, my home, the home I shared with my dad, it took me months for me to finally find the courage to let that anger go. But I'll tell you, once I did, I felt so free with that burden lifted." Sunny smiled, looking up at the night sky. "And once I forgave him, I was able to truly enjoy the amazing things in my life. I'm not his friend anymore, nor am I friends with Phyllis. I try to talk to them as little as possible. But by forgiving them, I'm able to move on."
I was silent for a long moment before I finally said something. "So, what I earned that day…"
"Wasn't forgiveness, Misty. It was reconciliation. You earned back our trust. I can't say the same thing for the others, but I would've forgiven you regardless, of whether you knew or not. We may not have been friends, but for me, I would've forgiven you. It just would've taken time. Right then, we didn't want to hear your apologies because it was in the heat of the moment. Our emotions about what you did were raw and new and fresh. We just needed time to calm down, and think it through."
I was silent again. If forgiveness really was what Sunny said it was, it made sense why Sunny would want to forgive Phyllis. But…there was one thing that still bothered me.
For the past two years, I told myself that forgiving Opaline for what she did wasn't an option. That she had far from earned it. That what she did was inexcusable. But, if forgiving somepony was really what Sunny had said, what excuse did I have now for not forgiving Opaline? And yet, I still couldn't bring myself to do it.
"Do…do you think that I should…that I should forgive Opaline? For everything she did to me?" I asked, wondering if my idea of what forgiveness was wrong, then was my refusal to forgive Opaline wrong too?
Sunny was silent, just staring out at Maretime Bay. I could see her honestly considering the question, wanting to give me the right answer. I grew hopeful. All I wanted was to be a good pony. It was clear now that everything I was taught before I found my friends wasn't what a pony should be. So, I needed to rely on others' guidance for me to be a good pony.
"I…I don't know, Misty. That's not a decision I can make. Knowing what you know now, only you can make that decision. I…I don't know what you went through. And even if I did, even if I went through everything you did, I still wouldn't be able to make it. Because I'm not you, Misty. How I'd react to a decision isn't how you'd react, or how Pipp would react, or Zipp or Hitch. And that's okay. We're all different ponies and part of Friendship is embracing those differences."
"I used to know what my decision was. I was so sure of it. Now…now I have no idea."
Sunny put a hoof on my shoulder. "That's okay. You don't have to know now. You don't have to know tomorrow. You don't even have to know next week. There's no time limit. It's all part of the process. Remember, forgiveness is a process, not a moment."
I smiled sadly up at Sunny, but my heart felt heavier than ever. "Thanks, Sunny. Would…would you mind if I had some time alone so I can have some time to think?"
Sunny smiled back. "Of course I don't mind. Take as much time as you need. I'll tell the others not to come up here and bother you, alright? And Misty, they trust you. I trust you. You just need to trust yourself, okay? Don't worry about what anypony else might think. Just…just focus on what's best for you."
I nodded, but as Sunny walked away, a thought occurred to me. "Hey, Sunny?"
She stopped and turned back to me with a kind smile.
"That thing Sprout did, the thing that made you pretty mad…what was it, if you don't mind me asking?"
Sunny chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of her neck. "After everything we've been through for the past couple of years, it seems pretty trivial and stupid."
I raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to continue as she smiled nervously.
"It was…well, Sprout…he…he kinda dropped my phone on the pavement and it broke. He claimed it was an accident, but it'd take an idiot to fall for his act. Even Phyllis knew that because she didn't even try to manipulate Sprout out of this one. She ended up buying me a new phone on her own accord."
After a moment of silence, Sunny and I both chuckled softly.
Sunny then walked away and I was left alone with my thoughts. If what Sunny said was true, if forgiving somepony meant letting go of your anger for them, being free of it, being free of that burden, there was nothing I wanted more than to forgive Opaline. I wanted to let that go. I understood what Sunny's father said about anger. It had grown and it felt like it was taking over. I wasn't myself when I had snapped at Sunny earlier, and I felt guilty. Would I have still done that if I wasn't carrying around all this anger I felt towards Opaline? All I knew was that it was draining me, and Opaline didn't even know how angry I was at her.
But…despite wanting so much to let it go and move on, I…I didn't know how. I didn't even know how to begin. I felt stupid for that. I felt like I didn't know anything. I wanted to ask Sunny, but I felt like I've asked so much of her already. I wanted to get a second opinion, but I didn't know who. As I thought about everypony I knew, somepony very specific came to mind.
I decided to go visit him in the morning after I'd had time to sleep on everything Sunny just told me…
Now It's Time For Me To Move On
"Hitch!" I called as I walked into the sheriff's station. "Hitch! Are you here? It's me, Misty!"
As I expected, I got no response. I shrugged. I had a feeling he wouldn't be here. It was in the middle of his shift anyway. I look at the clock on the wall. It was half an hour before his lunch. Perfect. I surprisingly got out of the Brighthouse faster than I thought I would. I thought I'd have to get past an over-eager Zipp bombarding me with questions about what happened between Sunny and me and why I was on the balcony by myself for so long last night, but surprisingly, she didn't ask a single question. It was probably mostly due to Sunny constantly keeping herself between Zipp and me like a barrier, glaring at her anytime she opened her mouth to ask me a question.
I was thankful. I didn't think I could handle her questions right now. Especially with all the questions that were going through my own head. I sat down by the entrance inside and pulled out my book.
To my relief, the book engrossed me so much, that it gave me reprieve from my overwhelming thoughts. I just couldn't seem to stop thinking about what Sunny told me about forgiveness. It kept me up all night. I wanted to forgive Opaline, but still, a small part told me that no matter what anypony said, forgiving her would be letting her off the hook. No matter how much I told myself otherwise.
And yet, I could feel the anger I had for her eating me up inside. It didn't make sense. If forgiveness was this great, amazing, freeing thing, why was it so hard? Why didn't it come easy? Why couldn't I just do it and be done with it? Why couldn't I just be like Sunny and just go to bed, forgiving anypony who wronged me? What was wrong with me?
But…at the same time…this was Opaline we're talking about. Opaline. The mare who abused, tormented me, and made me feel worthless. I was still suffering the effects of her abuse. I was still healing. So many of my wounds were still gaping open and raw, even after all these years. Why should I forgive her when I was still suffering? If forgiving her was letting go of all that, then wouldn't I have to heal first before I could forgive her? And what if I never fully healed? What if I always had some of these wounds gaping and hurting? Or was it the opposite? Was it that I couldn't heal until I forgave her?
That's why I was here. I wanted the opinion of somepony who had directly suffered from Opaline's selfishness and wrath. By getting his advice, maybe it'd help me see things better. More clearly. Maybe he'd have an actual answer for me, more so than Sunny did. Or, maybe he'd just confuse me more.
I considered leaving. I didn't want to open any sore spots for him and ruin his day. But this was something I really needed. Perhaps coming here just waiting for his lunch break was weird and stupid when I could've waited until his shift was over, but I was afraid that by then, I'd have talked myself out of it. To this day, I still don't understand why I struggle talking to ponies about deep and personal issues. Well, I know why, but even after all these years of them being supportive, open and never shooting me down anything that upset me by calling it stupid, I still struggled. It was the complete opposite of how Opaline raised me and it's not easy to rewire ten years of being told feelings are a weakness.
It's another reason why I struggled so much about whether I should forgive Opaline or not. No matter how long I live or how much I grow, a part of me, no matter how small that part is, will always be influenced by Opaline. She'll always be a part of who I am. She'll always be the most negative part of me. That voice that whispers in the back of my mind late at night telling me I'm not good enough. Her voice telling me I'm worthless and stupid, just waiting for me to be at my lowest so that when it strikes, I'll believe it like I used to.
And that was all caused by Opaline. I'll never be the filly my dad used to know ever again because of Opaline. I'll always be insecure, self-conscious, and full of anxiety because of Opaline. I've lost so many memories I used to have with Alphabittle because of Opaline. When Opaline fillynapped me, raised me, and manipulated me, she changed the course of my life forever. She changed me forever. And while some of it's good, a lot of it is bad. Had I been raised in Briddlewood, maybe I would've been friends with Izzy. Instead of just Izzy walking through the streets of Maretime Bay that fateful day she met Sunny, it'd be both me and Izzy. Why should I forgive her when I'll always feel pain my whole life from what she did to me? Why should I give forgiveness when she gave me none? Why should I give her what she denied me for so long? After everything she did to me, why should I-
"Misty? What are you doing here?" A voice asked, ripping me from my thoughts.
I jumped, looking in the direction the voice came from to see Hitch standing there in the entrance, Sparky on his back. I look at the clock and find that already, half an hour has gone by. Actually, forty-five minutes. Something must've been keeping him. I glance down at the book still floating in my magic. I had only read ten pages since I sat down and opened it. Okay, so maybe I wasn't as distracted from my thoughts as I originally believed.
I quickly stood up, floating the book over to a nearby chair, chuckling nervously as I rubbed the back of my neck. "Umm…sorry…I guess I was just…lost in my own thoughts…I umm…" I trailed off, not sure how else to continue making a fool of myself.
When it was obvious I wasn't going to say anything else, Hitch cleared his throat and began to walk over to his desk. "Oh, umm…well…I hope you weren't waiting too long. I was supposed to take my lunch now, but I'm sure whatever you need I can deal with quickly. So, what can Sheriff Hitch help you with?" He asked as he began to organize the papers on his desk.
"I umm…actually wanted to talk to you…" I trailed off, not quite sure how to start this conversation.
"Yeah, sure. What did you want to talk about?" He said, but just as he finished, Sparky blew dragon fire at a piece of paper, turning it into a piece of pizza, startling us both. I had forgotten Sparky was even there.
I love Sparky. He's a part of the family I have with my friends. But…well…what I was about to talk to Hitch about…it was private and I'm not sure if I could do it with Sparky constantly interrupting us. I knew that if I didn't get it out all at once, it wasn't coming out at all. Not to mention that talking in front of Sparky isn't like talking in front of a dog or some other pet. He's like a pony. He can listen and understand everything we're saying. Even though Sparky couldn't talk yet, I still just wanted this conversation to stay between Hitch and me. Plus, I was about to ask Hitch some very deep questions that might upset Sparky. I didn't want to ruin his day too.
"Mind if I feed Sparky while we talk. It's his feeding time and we do not want him getting cranky." Hitch said with a soft chuckle.
It was then that I realized Hitch was still in sheriff mode. I took a deep breath. "Actually…I was hoping…well when I said I wanted to talk about something, I meant that I wanted…no, needed to talk to…Hitch the friend…not…not Hitch the Sheriff…you know…?"
"Oh, perfect. That means I can take my lunch while…we…" As soon as Hitch turned around and saw me, he trailed off as something registered on his face. He was silent for a bit before he turned to his desk and picked up the phone. "You know what? I need some time off. And Zipp has been begging me for forever it seems to fill in for sheriff for a day for me. I'll just call her and tell her that today's the day. It'll be perfect anyway. I could use some time off from being a dad. I mean, if she really wants to know what it's like to be me, she can do the whole thing, which involves taking care of Sparky. Though, before we go, I would like to feed Sparky first so she doesn't have to worry about it."
I was dumbfounded. How…how did he…what made him think that this was going to take that long…why…
"B‐but…I…how…I mean, I…" I stammered, at a complete loss for words.
He dialed Zipp's number and turned back to face me. As it rang, he said, "The look on your face said it all."
I blinked. Was I really that easy to read? Ugh. No wonder why it was so easy for Opaline to manipulate me. She could read my every emotion on my face.
I shook my head. "Hitch, no. I…I don't want to take up too much of your time… I can just wait until–"
Hitch held up a hoof, silencing me as Zipp answered. I shook my head, telling him he didn't need to do this, giving him a pleading look. I knew how much he stressed about his job, taking care of Sparky and making sure both things were done correctly. I didn't want to disrupt his day nor did I want to cause him any more stress than I was about to.
But even though I knew he saw me trying to silently tell him not to do this, he flat-out ignored me. I sighed, dropping my head. This wasn't how I planned for this to go. I didn't want to disrupt his whole day.
Once he was finished talking to Zipp, he turned to me. "Alright, Zipp will be here in ten minutes. That gives me just enough time to–"
"Hitch, no." I interrupted firmly. "I can just wait until you're done with your shift. It's really not all that–"
Hitch interrupted me by walking up until he was just a mere couple of inches away. "Misty, I'm your friend and just by the look on your face, I can tell that you really need me. Friends are there for each other when they need them most. I can tell this isn't just a day-to-day discussion. I can tell you really need me. So I'm gonna be there for you, alright?" I opened my mouth to protest, but he quickly stopped me. "Nope. It's final. I already made the call. There's no going back."
I gave him a grateful smile, wishing I could tell him just how much his gesture truly meant to me, but I couldn't seem to put it into words. All I could do was whisper a broken "Thank you," my broken voice full of emotion.
"No problem, Misty. That's what friends do. If you ever need me, don't hesitate to ask. I'll be there in a heartbeat. I would for any of my friends. Hoof to heart."
"Hitch! Misty! What…what a surprise," Sunny said as Hitch and I approached Sunny's smoothie cart, looking very much surprised.
As Hitch had finished feeding Sparky, Zipp had come rushing in, a wide smile on her face. When she had seen me, I could tell she was bursting with questions, but Hitch had already anticipated that. When he was on the phone with her, he had said this was a no-questions-asked gig. If she had asked one question, she was out. I had thought it was a bit risky, but he was confident in her desire for this to override her need to ask questions over the smallest thing that was not normal. And Hitch taking the rest of the day off so he and I could talk was definitely not normal.
Sure enough, when she had come flying in, despite the questions I could see bursting in her mind, her mouth had remained closed. The only questions she had asked were related to the job and that was it. I was truly impressed by Zipp's self-control.
"Yeah," Hitch said, sighing heavily. "I could've used a break anyway."
Sunny turned to me. "Are you doing alright after…you know…" Sunny trailed off as though not sure how much she should say in front of Hitch.
"I will be. Eventually. I'm not sure when, but I know I will be." I answered with a small smile. "I just wanted to…have a talk with Hitch."
"About…what we talked about last night…?"
I nodded. "Yeah." My eyes widened as I registered what it sounded like to Sunny's ears. "Not that your advice wasn't good enough or anything. It's actually because of it that I'm talking to Hitch. I just…"
Sunny smiled. "You just wanted to talk to somepony who was closer to…the source of the subject for his advice." Her eyes flicked to Hitch before going back to me. "I get it. I'd want that too. It's easy for me to do…what we talked about because I've had years to get through it. This is still fresh and…it happened a lot longer and way more…hard to move past than what I went through. I get it. No need to be sorry or feel guilty."
Hitch looked between us. "I have a feeling I'm missing something."
Sunny and I smiled, before Sunny said, "You'll understand soon enough." She then turned back to me. "So, you want to use that apology drink Phyllis bought you?"
Before I could answer, Hitch interrupted me. "Wait wait wait. Hold up. Phyllis, as in Phyllis Cloverleaf bought Misty an apology drink? Are you sure it was an apology drink?"
Sunny chuckled. "Yeah. Crazy right? Ponies really do change."
Hitch shrugged, chuckling himself. "Yeah. I guess they do." At my confused look, Hitch quickly clarified. "When Sunny and I were foals, trying to get Phyllis to apologize for anything was like trying to pull teeth. It was painful to watch."
"Yeah, even when Phyllis got me that phone to replace the one Sprout broke, she didn't apologize. It was incredibly awkward. My father got a knock on our door, and it was when Sprout wasn't even there, and she gave it to my father telling him that it was to replace the one Sprout broke. And then she just walked away." Sunny added with a chuckle of her own.
Hitch looked at Sunny confused. "You told Misty about that? When?"
"Uh…doesn't matter," Sunny quickly said, changing the subject. "So, you want your usuals?" And, before either of us could answer, Sunny turned around and just started making the smoothies.
Hitch looked at me and I sighed. "You'll understand soon enough. It's actually what I wanted to talk to you about."
"Phyllis giving Sunny a new phone…or the reason Phyllis had to buy you an apology drink?"
I just looked down at the ground. "Kinda."
Hitch looked confused but he just let it go. We waited for our smoothies in silence and once they were ready and Hitch tried to pay for his, Sunny said it was on the house. That he was gonna need it. Great.
Once we had our smoothies, Hitch and I chose a table that was farther than the rest of them. Once we were seated, we sat in silence for a bit. I had the perfect opener and yet I couldn't get myself to say a word. There was so much I wanted to say and ask, but it was like my mouth couldn't operate correctly.
After another couple of awkward moments passed, Hitch finally asked, "What did you want to talk about? Something about Phyllis and Sprout?"
I sighed heavily, deciding to just get straight to the point. "Did you forgive Sprout?"
Hitch looked thoroughly confused. "I'm sorry, what? I'm gonna need some context."
I looked down at my smoothie cup, playing with the straw with my magic, mixing the smoothie, moving the straw around, anything to keep me distracted from the fact that Hitch was right there. I was never the best at opening up to other ponies and this required some mega opening up.
"Sunny and I were talking last night and…she told me she forgave Sprout for what he did when you…when you tried to bring back magic but…did you?"
Hitch was silent for a moment before he spoke. "Eventually, yes. Took forever, but, yeah, I did. Why?"
I avoided his question, deciding to just plow through, and get it over with before I could back out. Though, now that I started, I know I have to finish it, even if I didn't want to. "Did…did you forgive Opaline? For everything she did to you?"
Hitch sighed, but I could see the way his body tensed up. "Misty, what is all this about?"
"Please, just answer the question." I still looked down, refusing to look up at him.
"Misty…" He stopped and I knew he was waiting for me to look up. Reluctantly, I did and his expression softened when he saw the tears welling up in my eyes. Ones I didn't want him to see. He sighed again. "Misty, I'll answer your question, but first, you have to tell me what this is all about."
I took a deep breath, bracing myself. "Yesterday, Phyllis had asked for a hundred smoothies, but she was really rude about it, knocking me over and spilling my drink, which is where the apology drink came from. But, what struck me as odd was how nice Sunny was to Phyllis after Phyllis's history with Sunny and her father. I asked her about it, and she told me she forgave them. To me, growing up, I was taught that forgiveness is really just a free pass for ponies to walk all over you and treat you however they want. And if they really wanted forgiveness, they had to earn it. But, when I told that to Sunny, she told me what forgiveness really means. She said that–"
"'Forgiveness is not reconciliation. It isn't condoning or excusing a pony's action. And it isn't a decision that makes all pain go away. It's a process that involves letting go of the anger and resentment you feel towards a pony that's harmed you. Because, if you keep hold of that anger, it'll fester and grow, taking over your life and when that anger's towards another pony, they're still harming you'. I know. She told me the same thing years ago."
I looked up at Hitch with wide eyes. "Wow. That was almost word for–"
"Word? Yeah. When I became sheriff, she made me memorize it. Said that as sheriff, I could convince the earth ponies to forgive any wrongs the unicorns and pegasi have done to them so they'd be more open to unity. Didn't work of course, but, Sunny's my best friend, and I helped with her ideas in any way I legally could as sheriff. Wasn't much, but as sheriff, my hooves were tied. It's funny though. When I had to forgive somepony for…well, then it was mostly for mistreating Sunny, I found myself mentally repeating that phrase. It'd help, a little. Still took a little time. But, what does me forgiving…" Hitch sighed before continuing. "Have to do with this whole discussion you two had?" I guess Hitch couldn't say her name aloud.
I sighed, looking back down. "Because…I have yet to forgive…forgive…" I sighed, blinking back tears. I couldn't…wouldn't bring myself to…not with the word forgive. Not out loud. It felt too much like actually doing the deed, even though I knew that wasn't true. "I would've asked Sunny, but I'm pretty sure I know what her answer would be. I…I love Sunny, and while she suffered at Opaline's hooves…"
"It's not quite as much as we have?" Hitch finished softly.
"Yeah. Not to downplay what she went through, it was still horrible but–"
"Misty, you don't need to feel guilty. It's the facts." Hitch sighed. "So, you want to know if I've forgiven…so that it can help you decide if you can even…do that?"
I nodded, relieved I didn't have to ask myself. I know him reliving all the stress Opaline put him through was incredibly difficult and I felt incredibly guilty. Almost guilty enough to say nevermind and run back to the Brighthouse and never show my face here again. But…I needed this. If I'm to continue my life happy, I need to sort this out, and while I'll never fully be ready to deal with this, I'm at a point in my life where I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
Hitch was silent for a long moment, looking at the ocean behind me. He softly closed his eyes, breathing heavily through his nose, before he finally answered. "I'd like to say I have, really I would, but…truth is…I haven't. I really haven't. She's done too much…when I try I…I can't help but see…Sparky like he was…how somepony could so…so heartlessly just…condemn him to that fate…how somepony could be so cruel…I…I can't imagine." Hitch glared at the water behind me.
My heart sank as it felt like my chest ached. More tears stung the back of my eyes, but not the same tears as before. Tears of guilt. The way Hitch explained it, I know he was talking about Opaline, but he never would've been, as Hitch said it, condemned to that fate if it weren't for me. It was my fault. I was the cruel pony who heartlessly condemned him to that fate.
"Do…do you forgive me…?"
"Of course I–" Hitch stopped when what he said seemed to sink in. He looked right at me, his eyes wide. "Misty, of course I've already forgiven you. You didn't…Misty, the difference between you and Opaline was that Opaline went in with the foreknowledge of what it would do to Sparky and continued anyway without any hesitation or guilt. And if Opaline had her way, she would've just dropped Sparky down that ledge and…"
"But…Hitch…if it weren't for me…Sparky never would've…"
"Misty, let me ask you this…with the knowledge you have now, just of what draining his dragon fire would do to him, not knowing anything else of the future, just that…would you still have dragon-napped him, knowing what it would do to him?"
"O-of course not! If I'd known how much it'd actually hurt Sparky…I never would've…I never wanted him to get hurt…I was going to return him…I just wanted my cutie mark and to make Opaline proud of me for once…"
"And that's why I've forgiven you and not Opaline. Because despite everything, even knowing what it would do to him, she'd do it again and again if it meant she'd get his power. You're a good pony, Misty. You've just made mistakes. We all have. Opaline…I can't forgive her because…because of everything she's done, it still makes me so…so angry. She endangered my town and hurt the ponies in it, the same town and ponies I swore on my life to protect, she hurt my friends and put them in danger, she hurt you for so many years, she…she hurt Sparky, my little deputy…a dragon I love like a son. What she did was ten million times worse than what Sprout could ever dream up no matter how hard he tried. I know it's been a year and a half since everything happened but…it's going to be a while until I can even think of forgiving her without my blood boiling."
I was silent. I wasn't expecting the answer I got. This was…it was so different than the answer Sunny gave. Hitch was so kind and a good pony. Not forgiving Opaline didn't change that. He was still kind and such a good pony. But still…
"I want to move on. I want to do anything I can to do that…even if it means forgiving her…she's been controlling me for as long as I can…I can remember. I…I want her hold over me gone so I can…just…move on with my life. I want this Opaline burden gone, I just…I just don't know how to…how to do that." I looked up at Hitch pleadingly. "How do I do that? I want…I need to know how to do it…please…"
Hitch was silent for a while as he stared at me, clearly contemplating something. Just yesterday morning, I was dead set on never forgiving Opaline, but little did I know that by doing that, I'd be accepting her into my life for however long I kept this grudge against her or until it consumed me. Now, twenty-four hours later, I was willing to do whatever it took to get rid of her. To heal and push her out of my life.
Finally, Hitch closed his eyes, sighing, before looking at me. "Misty, don't tell another soul what I'm about to tell you. Not even Sunny. She'd have my head if she knew I told you this but…well…you know how it took months for her to finally forgive Sprout? Did she ever tell you how she was finally able to do that?" I shook my head, intrigued, but nervous. If Sunny wanted to keep it a secret, how bad was it? Hitch sighed. "Didn't think so…" He paused before looking around to make sure nopony was listening in before continuing. "Three months after everything happened, Sunny had knocked on my door really late at night. I had opened the door, ready to chew out whoever woke me up so late but…when I did, I saw Sunny and she was shaking. I thought she was cold, but when I saw the look on her face… it was full of anger. She was shaking with pent-up anger. And it was all aimed at Sprout and what he did. She was…she was scared that if she continued like this, she'd eventually hurt Sprout. She didn't know what to do and wanted my help."
My eyes were wide in fascination as I listened. Sunny always seemed so perfect, like she was incapable of making mistakes. To hear about this side of her, was almost unsettling. "What did you do?"
"I didn't know what to do. I just knew that Sunny had to release that anger without actually hurting Sprout. Or being anywhere around him. So…I took her to the first place I thought of. Where her lighthouse used to be. The Brighthouse hadn't finished construction, so nopony was actually living in it. Sunny and Izzy were renting a small house until it was finished and Zipp and Pipp were staying in Zephyr Heights until then. I brought her there and just told her to release it. So, she did. She spent almost three hours yelling and ranting and cursing Sprout out, even screaming at times for what he did. About what the lighthouse meant to her. How, because of him, she barely had any mementos of her father left. How much she wanted to hate him. And at the end, when her voice grew hoarse, she said the words 'I hate', but she couldn't finish them. Because she didn't hate Sprout. She couldn't bring herself to. Once she had let it all out, she was finally able to move on."
Hitch paused before looking directly at me, his eyes open and kind. "You asked for my advice, so here it is. You may not like it, but that doesn't change what it is. You can follow it or not, it's your choice, but you asked so here's my answer. Sunny was able to release her anger so openly because it was at the place she was hurt most. It was the place that caused all of her anger. If…if you went to the place where Opaline hurt you most…maybe you could…"
My eyes widened as he trailed off. I know I said I would do anything but…going back there? Back to the lair? Where I spent ten years of my life being tormented and manipulated. Back there to 'face' Opaline and give her a piece of my mind…even though I know she's gone, a part of me still fears her. It made my bones shiver just thinking about it, my heart chilling with fear.
Hitch must've understood the look on my face because he put a hoof on mine. "Misty. What's wrong? You've confronted Opaline before. What's so different about now?"
"Because then there was so much at stake. I had to step up. I had to fix my mistake. I had to do everything I could to keep Opaline from hurting anypony else. But…but now…what if I accidentally set her free? What if she's not really gone and she's just biding her time and what I say makes her so mad she lashes out and and…I'm sorry. I just can't Hitch. I just can't!"
I began to stand up to run away, back to the Brighthouse to cry into my pillow. Tears filled my eyes as I felt Hitch's crushing disappointment. I just couldn't face him. I asked for his help and when he gave it to me, I let him down. I just made a stupid fool of myself and he and I both knew it.
But before I could take two steps, Hitch had already grabbed my hoof, stopping me in my tracks. Slowly, I turned to face him and I was stunned silent by what I saw. There was no judgment. No disappointment. No irritation. Just a kind, compassionate, sympathetic look.
After a moment of us just staring at each other, Hitch finally spoke. "Misty…it's alright if you can't go there and face her now. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it. It just means you're a pony with emotions, just like the rest of us. It took Sunny three months before she could go back there. Take the time you need. It doesn't matter how long it takes. There's no time limit, alright? And, when you're ready, just let Sunny and me know and we'll go with you. Just shoot us a text and we'll be here. Hoof to heart. Alright?"
I smiled up at Hitch before giving him a huge hug. It startled him, but soon he wrapped his own hooves around me. I knew I wasn't ready yet, but I made a new vow right then and there. I'd do what I could to be ready and face the thing that scared me the most.
Six Months Later…
I stare at my phone, my hoof hovering over the send button, but not yet pressing it, my mind lost in thought about the past. I blink back tears, not yet sure if I can do this or not. But I know I have to. I know I'm ready. After facing that horrible version of myself and getting on that rollercoaster all on my own, I know I'm ready to face the place where Opaline hurt me most. It still isn't going to be easy, it never will be, but it's now or never.
I take a deep breath and finally send the text containing only two words. 'I'm ready'
Ten minutes later, I finally get a reply. The whole time I had been staring at the text thread, waiting for Hitch to reply, my whole body tense with trepidation. When it finally came through, my heart stopped, only to swell with warmth as I read it.
'Alright. I'll go get Sunny & we'll meet u at the Brighthouse. I'm proud of u Misty.'
I sigh as I stare down at the text with a small smile. Hitch is my friend, they all are. They're all willing to do everything they can to make me feel better. I don't know how I'll ever repay them for the kindness and friendship they've shown me.
Suddenly, I hear hoofsteps and I jump, turning around to see Zipp behind me. I chuckle nervously, trying to not act suspicious, and yet, failing. I love Zipp, but I just want to keep this between the three of us. This is insanely personal and while I know Zipp and Pipp might become my stepsisters someday, it just feels right just keeping Sunny and Hitch in the know.
"Zipp, w-what are you doing here? I-I thought you were…you know…upstairs…researching…and whatnot."
"I was," Zipp answers, narrowing her eyes. "But I just got a text from Hitch asking me to fill in. Know anything about that?"
I widen my eyes, chuckling nervously. "Nope. Why…why would I know about what Hitch is…is doing? He's across town at the station and I'm…I'm here in the Brighthouse…talking to you. So…uhh…" I chuckle nervously, mentally putting a hoof on my forehead. I really need to come up with better lies. Why couldn't I just say Hitch, Sunny, and I are doing something and leave it at that? It's not like she can follow us. She's filling in for Hitch. She just can't abandon her job. Why didn't I think of these things before I put out some crazy suspicious reply?
Zipp raises an eyebrow, making it clear she doesn't believe me.
I sigh. This is who I was when I was under Opaline. This isn't who I am anymore. "Okay, you want the truth." Zipp leans closer in anticipation. "The truth is…I'm going through a really rough patch. I have for the past six months. I'm struggling with my past with Opaline. I'm not ready to share what that is, nor do I think I ever will be. The only ponies who know are Hitch and Sunny, and they're the only ones I want to know. I know you have questions and you want answers, but I'm afraid they're answers I'm not willing to give. And…and you're just going to have to be okay with that…please." I add. Being this confident and assertive feels weird and wrong, but for the first time in my life, I can look one of my friends in the eye, stand up for myself, and not immediately think they're going to cast me out for it.
Zipp stares at me silently for a moment, looking a little speechless. Finally, though, she just smiles at me in understanding. "Well, whatever it is, it's helping you. I get it. Everypony has that thing they only want a select few they want to know. We may be best friends and future sisters-in-law, but we still don't have to know everything about each other."
I smile back at Zipp. "Thanks. It really means a lot."
"You know, you could've just told me that from the get-go. I would've just let it be and not bothered you about it so much."
I look down, rubbing my front hoof awkwardly with my other. "I was a different pony then."
Suddenly, the doors burst open and Hitch and Sunny come running in. I turn, wondering why they're in a hurry, looking between them confused. Hitch and Sunny pause, seeming out of breath.
"What is it? Is something wrong?" Zipp asks as we hurry towards the two of them.
"No…we just…" Sunny trails off as she gasps for breath.
"When I texted Zipp, I remembered she was here at the Brighthouse and I wanted to get here before she harassed you with questions." Hitch looks up between the two of us. "But…I have a feeling I don't have to worry about that anymore."
Zipp rolls her eyes. "Jeez, thanks for the character boost. I'm not a total barbarian." She pauses, looking at the three of us. When we remain silent, she just rolls her eyes again. "Whatever. I'm just going to head to the sheriff's station now so you can do whatever it is you're going to do," Zipp grumbled, turning to fly out of the Brighthouse.
I turn to Hitch and Sunny when Hitch asks, "Alright. You ready to head out in the Marestream?"
I glance at Sunny before I turn to Hitch. "Umm…Hitch…does…does Sunny know we're going to…to…"
"To Opaline's old lair to do what I did that night at my old lighthouse after it was destroyed? Yeah, Hitch told me."
Misty's eyes widened with panic. "Please don't be mad at Hitch. He was just trying to–"
"It's okay, Misty. If Hitch told anypony else, I'd be pretty upset, but…Misty, when I went through that, I was so confused, so lost, so filled with different emotions. I was lucky to have Hitch to think on his hooves and take me there. I don't know what I would've done had I not done anything. I wouldn't want anypony going through what I went through, but since you are, I want to do anything I can to help you. I know you won't judge me because…you're going through something similar. I was lucky to have Hitch, even if he had no idea what he was doing. Now you have both of us. Hoof to heart."
"Thanks, Sunny. For everything. And don't worry, your secret's safe with me. Hoof to heart." I say with a smile, hugging Sunny before we all head out in the Marestream.
I stand at the entrance of the Marestream, frozen in place as my heart races and my body shakes. I stare wide-eyed at the place that has tormented me for so long. At the place where Opaline secured my loyalty by making sure I felt so unworthy, that I truly believed nopony else would want me. By making sure I believed I was even lucky that she stood my presence enough to give me a home.
For ten years of my life, this was what this was. My home.
Tears fill my eyes, but I don't even blink them back. I can't. I'm frozen in time, still as a statue, as memories plague my mind. I can still hear her voice, even after all this time, clear as day, as though she's standing right next to me. Even when she yells, I still flinch, even though I know she's not here. I try to block them out but I can't.
Don't get attached, Misty. It's a sign of weakness…
Nothing is more important than magic…
And Misty? Don't let me down. Or else!
Don't be presumptuous, Misty. It's unbecoming…
So nice of you to come home, Misty. You've been gone so long I thought you got lost…like the time I rescued you as a filly! So kind of me to do that…
Don't 'think', you sound foolish!
Well stop, because you don't know what you're talking about!
"Misty?" Hitch calls, probably when he realized I haven't even stepped hoof outside of the Marestream yet.
I just gape at the castle, my mouth dry as a desert. I know I should say something, but my body refuses to work. Tears no longer just fill my eyes, but they stream down my face as more and more memories come back to me. Memories I haven't thought about since I left. Memories I thought were locked away, never to return to me again. Memories that only needed this place to be unlocked.
This is a failure worthy of my worst punishment yet…
Not as sorry as I am…
Tell me something about those crystals, Misty. What is taking so long?!
Suddenly, I feel a hoof on my shoulder. I jump, startled, and look around to find Sunny next to me, her hoof on my shoulder. She has a soft, warm smile on her face that only makes the tears worse. I thought I could do this. I thought I was ready. I thought I could finally leave my past where it belongs. But…now…standing here, frozen in place, with…with Opaline's words ringing through my head, I…I just can't.
I squeeze my eyes shut as though that'll stop the tears, but I might as well be crying a river. "I'm sorry, Sunny I-I can't do this! I'm so sorry I made you ponies come out here for nothing! I'm so sorry I let you ponies down! I just can't face her! I just can't!"
And with that, I run back into the Marestream, making it a whole whopping four steps before I crumble to the ground, sobbing into my hooves. I thought I was doing so well after Opaline was gone. I was moving forward. I was growing. But…maybe…this just proves I haven't grown at all. That I'm still the vulnerable young filly Opaline fillynapped and manipulated into loving her.
As I cry into my hooves, her words continue to mercilessly ring through my head…
Misty! What did you do?!
Oh? Is that what they're calling me? Better make it evil fire alicorn! Opaline Arcana!
You weak little ponies can't stop Opaline Arcana!
That was outrageous! Nopony traps Opaline!
"Misty…" I hear Hitch's voice from behind me. "Misty, you came all this way…you have to at least try…"
"I did! I did, but I can't do it! I'm so sorry I let you down! I'm so sorry I wasted your time!"
Hitch sighs. "You didn't disappoint us. But…if you want to go back…that's fine. We underst–"
"No." I hear Sunny say firmly. I didn't even know she was on the Marestream. "You're going to do this, Misty. You will!"
I sit up, glaring at Sunny. "No! I can't! I can't even step hoof outside the Marestream! I just can't." I turn back around, staring at the ground. "Can we just go home now please?"
"No." I hear Sunny walking up until she's right behind me. "You are doing this. This is part of the process. Misty, haven't you realized, this is the first true time you've actually cried over what happened once you were finally free of Opaline? You are facing this. And you aren't doing it alone."
I turn to look at Sunny to find her reaching a hoof out. I blink, not sure what she expects out of me when I can't even leave the Marestream.
"You're going to try this again, Misty. But this time, you're going to hold my hoof. Okay?"
I sit in silence for a moment, just staring at her hoof, before I finally grab it with my own. Sunny helps me up and together, we go to the entrance of the Marestream, Hitch watching us with a concerned expression. I blink back tears, trying to be strong for Sunny, but when Opaline's voice rings in my ears again, they just won't seem to stop.
Get me that dragonfire!
Sure. If they had a cutie mark…
I squeeze Sunny's hoof as though it's a lifeboat against the never-ending assault of Opaline's words. I'm so focused on blocking them out of my head with my eyes squeezed shut, trusting Sunny to guide me, I don't even notice when we leave the Marestream and walk to the castle until we're right before it. I have no idea where Hitch is. It's just me and Sunny.
Sunny doesn't say anything, just stands there, holding my hoof, as though knowing that this will go as it needs to for me to heal. I just stand there, when I realize the barrage has suddenly stopped. It isn't for long. Just a brief second, but it gives me hope.
I swallow nervously, opening my eyes as I look up at the foreboding castle, picturing Opaline right in front of me, unable to hurt me, but able to listen to every word I say. Her words continue to try and drown out mine, but, holding Sunny's hoof gives me the courage to stand strongly against them.
"Opaline, for ten years, you were the closest thing I had to family. I didn't remember my life with Alphabittle. I repressed those memories. So…for a little while at least, you…you were my hero…"
Does that look like a dragon to you, Misty?!
You ungrateful little pony!
"You found me, took me in, made me believe nopony else would ever want me. I thought I was lucky to have found you. I looked up to you. I didn't know any better. I…I wanted to be just like you…"
I see so much of the young pony I once was…
Wow, Misty. All grown up! So empathetic. So kind!
"And you knew it. You knew just how deep my admiration and love for you was because you used it against me." Tears stream down my face as I look at the castle and fake Opaline pleadingly. I had let go of Sunny's hoof, and taken a step towards her." You toyed with me just so I could do your bidding! And…I was…I was willing to do it all for you!"
Strong, determined, destined for greatness…
You used to be a good and loyal helper. You can do that again. Hmm?
"I only wanted to make you proud of me! I…I would've done anything, would've given everything, for you. The reason you were able to dangle a cutie mark in front of me was because that cutie mark was a symbol of your pride…"
What are you waiting for?! Fetch me that dragon!
I always told you…if you want your cutie mark, you have to do what I say…
"If I got that cutie mark, it'd mean I'd made you proud. It meant that you finally thought I was worthy of your love…"
But that doesn't come easy…
I can take whatever I want!
"I was willing to do anything for you! So…why?! Why was I never enough for you?!" I shout, begging for an answer I know I'd never get. "You were literally my whole world! Why couldn't I ever please you?!"
Can't you do anything right?!
Get me that dragon, Misty! Or you can kiss getting a cutie mark goodbye!
"Why couldn't you just give me the one thing I wanted?! Your love! I would've still followed you! Honest! I would've still done anything for you! I owed you my life!"
I'm preparing you, my dear. You can be so much more, I know you can…
Because I believe in you…
Well, don't just stand there. Get it OUT OF HERE!
"You took everything from me until you were all that was left. Until you were everything to me! And you treated me like DIRT!" I scream, squeezing my eyes shut and standing on my own, my front hooves spread apart, tears gushing from my eyes. "WHY?!"
So show me…Show me the strong, powerful great pony you are…
You never listen!
"WHY DID YOU HATE ME SO MUCH?!"
And you won't be enough, Misty! Not until you can prove that you're actually useful and get. That! DRAGON!
I collapse to the ground, sobbing into my hooves. I howl and wail, grieving the life I used to have, the life I could've had, and the dream that one day, perhaps I could measure up to Opaline. Finally letting go of the what ifs.
I feel somepony walk up and lay down next to me, putting their head on my own, putting a hoof around me and pulling me close. From the mane that brushes across my face, I can tell it's Sunny. This is something new. I've never had a shoulder to cry on. Sunny wasn’t a pillow or a stuffed bear. She was a pony who truly cared about me. I never understood how much it could mean until now. This brings on another flood of tears.
I feel somepony else, who I'm guessing is Hitch, place a hoof on my back. I sob into Sunny's chest. I'm hardly able to breathe through the sobs and the gasps. Then, I feel another pony lay by my head, rubbing their muzzle in comfort against the top of my forehead. I'm too emotional and busy crying to even notice and understand why I'm feeling a third pony.
Suddenly, I feel a wing softly lay itself over Sunny and me. Then a hoof slowly rests on my mane, rubbing it comfortingly. I continue to cry for what feels like hours, releasing ten years of pent-up emotions that I'd hide to keep Opaline from knowing about them and scolding me for being weak and worthless, finally able to release them in the hooves of my friends. Feeling safe that if I do this, they won't judge me, call me weak, or think any lower of me for expressing the ten years of pain I've gone through.
When my sobbing seems to have died down to hiccups and soft whimpers, I pull away from my friends and the mysterious ponies, standing up on shaking hooves. I don't look at anypony else, refusing to be deterred. They let me go, not saying a word. I walk up to the castle and the fake Opaline I envisioned in my mind.
I take a deep breath before speaking again. "Opaline, you…you broke my heart. Repeatedly. But…no matter how hard you tried, it's still beating. It's beating strong. I…I would've done, would've given everything for your love…but…now…now I know that you spent so much time in hate…you were incapable of loving anypony or thing, no matter how much they begged and pleaded for it. I…I believe there was the smallest part of you that…that, not cared, but…saw me as somepony you didn't mind having around. Somepony you'd think would be a little unfortunate if they got hurt. After all, after so many failed missions, you kept me around instead of getting rid of me and finding somepony else. You just wanted somepony to be like you. You lied to yourself for so long…you actually believed with all your heart that everything you've done, to me, to Sparky, to Equestria, was the right thing to do when it wasn't.
"I was so angry at you for everything you took from me. For stealing my life from me. But…my friends helped me realize that I'll never truly heal if I keep all this anger bottled up. A wise pony told me that forgiving somepony means letting go of the anger and resentment you have for them. So…that's what I'm doing right now. I need to move on so I can live a normal and happy life. To keep you from holding me back yet again. So…" I pause, squeezing my eyes shut before looking back up at the castle and fake Opaline with a firm look, knowing in my heart that I'm ready. "I forgive you, Opaline, for you don't know the true repercussions of what you've done. I…I forgive you so that I can move on. I forgive you. I…I loved you, and even if I don't want you to…always in my heart you'll live on. I accept that now. Perhaps one day, you can see the error of your ways and find the light. But, either way, it's time I leave you in the past and continue to my future. So…goodbye Opaline. I loved you once, and, perhaps, a small part of me still does and always will. May you find the peace you were unable to find here."
Sighing heavily, I turn around, turning my back on Opaline forever. Tears fill my eyes, and while it still hurts thinking about the past, I no longer feel the crippling resentment that'd come just from thinking about it. I smile softly to myself, feeling better than I have my whole life. My heart feels lighter than it's ever been. For the first time in my life, I truly feel free. And it's the best damn feeling I ever felt.
I look up to see not only Sunny and Hitch, but also Izzy, Zipp, and Pipp there too. I look up at them, dumbfounded, wondering how they're here.
The question must've been on my face because Hitch steps up and begins to explain. "Sunny and I had a feeling the burden you were carrying was a little too heavy for the three of us, so we brought help. We figured you'd need it."
Pipp stepped up with an honest look. "Don't worry, Hitch didn't tell us anything when he came to get us. Trust me."
Izzy bounced up next to me. "Yeah. He burst through the doors of the Brighthouse, where Pipp and I were which was odd considering the note Zipp left for us saying the three of you would be gone for a couple of hours and yet, there He was. All he told us was that you needed our help ASAPP and that you were having a super rough moment and he and Sunny weren't going to be enough. He had us scared half to death with all his vagueness."
Hitch shrugs. "Well, we had a feeling Misty needed you and it wasn't my place to tell you all what she was going through, which meant vagueness was a necessity."
But I can't get out of my mind about the note Izzy said Zipp left. I look at her confused. "Note?"
Zipp shrugged. "Yeah. I was on my way to the sheriff's station when I realized that if you weren't home with Izzy and Pipp waiting for you, they might've grown worried and gotten nosy, so I just left a note saying you three would be gone for a couple of hours and you wouldn't know when you'd be back and that everything would be alright. After you left. I didn't want to accidentally overhear anything you didn't want me to."
"So…are you okay after…whatever just happened?" Pipp asked.
"You probably put it together with what you just heard." I sigh, dropping my head.
Izzy shakes her head. "Nope! I've been working on a super duper secret project after the whole fiasco in Starlight Ridge in case we run into Allura again. I call them Cancelation Buds! They're earbuds that block out any noise whatsoever. Hitch asked me to get the three of us a pair that we could wear once we got there. When you stood in front of the castle all confident, we didn't hear a word you said. Well, except Sunny and Hitch."
I smile, my heart warming at their consideration and understanding. Never once has Opaline ever considered me when it came to anything that involved me. It was always her way or the highway.
So, with a sigh, I answer Pipp's question. "I'm not sure. I feel…free. For the first time, I truly feel free. I'm exhausted. But as for doing okay? I'm…I'm not sure. I…I think I am. In certain areas, I've never felt better. But, not okay at the same time, if that makes sense?"
Zipp waved a dismissive hoof. "Makes sense enough."
We all chuckle a bit before Sunny exclaims, "Well, how about we all go back to the Brighthouse to celebrate!" She glances at me before adding, "After a quick nap, of course."
I'm confused, looking at Sunny. "Celebrate? Celebrate what?"
"You feeling free for the first time in your life. Feeling free from Opaline."
I smile at Sunny, never more grateful to have these amazing friends than I am now. All six of us hug again before trotting back to the Marestream, Izzy saying something that makes us all laugh. Our laughs and sounds of joy and happiness echo into the setting sun as we fly off in the direction of the Brighthouse, leaving tha dark castle and all of my resentment, anger, and grief with it.
My name is Misty Brightdawn and for ten years of my life, at least what I can truly remember, I served an evil fire alicorn named Opaline. She took every opportunity to make me feel worthless, alone, and lower than dirt. For the longest time, I tried to do everything in my power to make her proud.
When I was finally free of her, I vowed I'd never forgive her, not knowing that would keep me from true freedom. However, I had friends who gave me the courage to finally see the true meaning of forgiveness, allowing me to take the steps I needed to start a beautiful future.
I am Misty Brightdawn, and I finally forgave my tormenter Opaline Arcana, finally freeing myself from her once and for all, and I've never been happier.
Author's Note
This story was inspired by the song "I Forgive You" by Sia. I actually incorporated some of the lyrics into the story. See if you can find them.
I'd have more to say about this story, but…well, I kinda feel like it speaks for itself.
Well, until next time…
Hakuna Matata!
