Carrot Top leaped, the sun glinting off her pelt as she soared through the air. She came down with a warrior's cry, but the gopher was long gone by the time she touched down. She frowned, glancing around to see if there were any other prey nearby. The gophers seemed to be avoiding her direct glare. "And stay gone!" She shook her hoof at the remainder of her carrots. "It's almost harvest time!"
A pair of thumps behind her drew her attention. She looked back at her two friends. "What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy trying to protect my future harvest?"
Applejack wore her normal cheery expression. "Somepony requested a cupcake order for your farm stand, sugarcube." She shrugged her muscular shoulders. "I dunno why anypony'd wanna buy a carrot cupcake, but what can I say?"
Carrot perked up at that. "Did you get their name? Where are they?!"
Applejack caught her before she could take off in a gallop. "Hold it there, got their name an' everything." She curled around to get a bag that jingled with the motion. "Even fetched the payment fer you. We farmers gotta stick together, ya know?"
Carrot swelled up with pride. "Thanks a bunch! I owe you one."
Applejack laughed. "You know you don't. See ya round, Carrot!"
Carrot let the muscular mare go on her way. She walked over to her hoard of carrots and looked around suspiciously. "Now how do I get them to go away." She grumbled, but took out the note in the bag. "Donut Joe? Never heard that name before."
"Did you say Donut Joe?" Lyra was walking past, clearly having heard the name. "He's visiting Ponyville? Awesome!" She did a little dance on the spot, looking more cheerful than she had just moments before. "I wonder if he brought any with him. Probably not, but it's nice to imagine." She giggled at the joke only she was a party of.
"Who is this Joe guy? Does he really make donuts?" Carrot asked, the gears in her head turning.
"Oh he does, I've been to his shop back in Canterlot!" Lyra winked. "Nice stallion, friendly, kind of cute too. But the real reason I go there is the donuts, they're absolutely delicious! The best ever! Also coffee. You like coffee, he has some, hot and ready." She was rambling a bit. "It's also open all night. At least he was when I visited, I haven't been back in a while though, so that might have changed." She fell silent as her mind returned to whatever was troubling her before. "Hey, um, what are you doing? You're looking around a lot more than normal."
"I'm guarding my crop from these evil gophers." Carrot declared, a bit of indignant pride showing through.
"Gophers? They eat carrots?" Lyra pondered the problem. "Do they eat apples?"
Carrot blinked at that. "I don't think so? But I don't know. Applejack can guard her apples. They're bothering my carrots right now." She huffed with annoyance. "You know any good way to make gophers go away?"
Lyra walked over and glanced around, shaking her head. "Gee, I'm not sure about that. Maybe you could try a scarecrow? Like in that one comic with the big goofy chicken?"
Carrot stared at Lyra with confusion. "I'm not sure that'd work." She reared up and made a funny face at one of the gopher holes she could see. "Booga!" Alas, nothing happened.
Lyra resumed her trot. "Good luck! You'll need it!"
"Yeah, thanks." Carrot looked back at her carrots and sighed. She had a feeling she was going to be getting plenty of exercise that day. "Hm." Then again, there was a new pony in town. Maybe he'd have some wisdom for her.
She carried her bag over to the stall, where she found Donut Joe waiting patiently. "Oh, um, Joe?"
Donut Joe tipped his hat. "That's me. Donut Joe. Are you the carrot mare?"
"Carrot Top, yes." She nodded her head. "Nice to meet you."
Donut Joe tilted his head. "Um, so, you have that carrot cupcake? I'll need twelve."
Carrot sighed. "Oh yeah. Sure. Wait, twelve?!"
Joe nodded firmly. "Ah'll be putting them in my shop, so I need a bunch of 'em. Can you do it? It's a lot of bits." He grinned cheerfully at her.
Carrot didn't really want to turn down the work. "I can try." She thought about it for a moment. "My carrots are under siege, and I need them all to make your cupcakes. Maybe you can help. You're strong, right?"
"That sounds like an adventure! Ah'm game!" Donut Joe nodded with an easy smile. "What's botherin' your carrots?"
Carrot chuckled dryly. "Gophers."
Joe gasped dramatically. "Ah knew they were behind this!" He punched his hoof into his other hoof. "Alright, what do ya need?"
Carrot blinked. "You've run into gophers before? I thought you were a city pony?"
"Oh I am, but these gophers are nasty. They're evil. They will kill for food. Don't look em in the eyes." Joe in the direction Carrot had come from. "Your carrots are this way? We can't let them have a chance to do more damage."
Carrot followed along behind him, somewhat taken aback by the ferocity of his words. "You really don't like gophers, do you?"
Joe waved a hoof. "The dirt dogs are out to get me, I swear." He spat to the side. "I swore ah'd get my revenge on them. Looks like today's the day I'm gettin' my chance!"
Carrot paused to peek in the bag. She had to count to make sure. There were a lot of bits. If she could fill this order, that would go a long way to helping her and her farm. She just needed her carrots to be safe. "Glad you're excited them. We'll need it." She hurried forward to lead him towards her field, where gophers were visibly scurrying about.
Joe muttered to himself as he followed along behind her. "Gonna use their own weapons against em." He laughed menacingly. "Ow!" He tripped over a rock.
Carrot cringed. "You okay?"
"Better than okay." He scooped the rock up into his hooves. "I've got a weapon now! They won't see me comin'." He snorted, continuing to mumble to himself.
Carrot hurried forward. She wasn't sure what he was planning, but she knew it was going to be loud. She pointed at the closest rodent, not daring to go any closer. "There it is," she harshly whispered.
Joe hopped up, ready to attack. He leaped at the gopher, rearing back his hoof. But before he could swing, the gopher poked its head out of the ground and stared directly into his eyes. Joe backed feverishly, as if he'd just seen something terrifying. The gopher came out of the hole, making a few cheeping sounds that probably meant something threatening.
Carrot squeaked in fear. "What are you doing? Kill it!"
Joe swallowed. "Right. The weapon. You." He scooped up the gopher with his hooves. The rodent made a soft squeaking noise, struggling and wriggling about. He lifted it over his head and tossed it, sending it tumbling over to land near Carrot's hooves.
Carrot jumped back from the landing stone. "Watch where you're throwing that! I'm not a gopher! Are you insane?"
Joe put a hoof over his face. "I'm so sorry. It was the rock! It possessed me! The evil! Ahh! No! Help!" He scrambled away from his own hooves.
Carrot watched him panic a moment, thankful his rushes were at least scaring the gophers away. "Are you alright?"
"Don't worry about me, I'm fine." He stumbled around a bit. "Oh, that's right, my cupcakes. I need the carrots!" He shook his head as if to clear it. "I'm on the case." He stomped forward to grab the rock he'd been carrying earlier and wielded it at the gopher tunnel. "No more gopher shenanigans today!"
Carrot cringed back a few steps. She wasn't sure if Joe had a plan or not, but she didn't want to get in his way.
Joe started slamming the rock down on the hole, grunting with the effort. "Hrrrgh!" His voice broke a little. "Come out and face me like a real gopher! Don't hide in your hole like a coward!" He jumped, hearing a squeak to the right. He twirled to see a gopher almost mockingly close to Carrot's hooves. Without hesitation, he brought the rock down on the rodent's head, catching it between his hooves. "Suck it, dirt dog!"
The gopher cried out in fear. Carrot cried out in surprised alarm. She backed away quickly, spared from watching Joe finish off the critter. Joe tossed the critter aside, letting it land limply near Carrot's hooves. Pulling a stake from the ground, Joe proceeded to shove it into the hole.
Carrot pulled her hooves back even further, her tail frizzing with surprise. "If Fluttershy were here right now, she'd probably just, I don't know, die."
"Well then I guess we're lucky she isn't here, eh?" Joe winked at her and moved on to the next tunnel, stake ready in his mouth. He shimmied down into the hole, facing a dark abyss.
Carrot watched with wide eyes as Donut Joe tore through her field, scaring the gophers away, uprooting half her would-be harvest, and claiming victory all in one tremendous surge of dirt and dust. As he reemerged from the last tunnel, she trotted over to his side. "Well, that was, certainly something."
"Yeah." Joe's hat was askew on his head, filled with dust and twigs. "We all good now?"
"All good." Carrot crashed to her haunches, imagining the effort of fixing her field. "Thank you."
"No problem!" He smiled brightly at her. "Those gophers won't be a problem any longer! We can harvest the carrots safely now."
Carrot blinked, still digesting what had just happened. "Technically." She pointed at the carrots that had been literally tossed in all the thrashing. "You can go ahead and pick those ones right up."
Joe laughed. "Sure thing. Don't wanna let good food go to waste, do we?"
Carrot nodded slowly, rubbing her hooves against her cheeks. She followed behind him, shaking her head. "I'll have your cupcakes ready for you. Where are you staying?"
They exchanged contact information. Carrot was quietly glad, at the least, Joe never asked for any payment for his thorough gopher cleaning. She'd be paying with hard work and replanting efforts, she imagined.
At least the gophers were gone.
Author's Note
This was nonsensical, but here it is. I hope it amuses someone.
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