Just thinking...

by AbrichuInk

Rating: teen
Tags: Suicide / Self Harm, Discord, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Sad, Spike
Length: 4064

Twilight is not okay; in fact, she hasn't been for a long time. The good thing is that she has someone as an anchor, even if it turns out to be her own enemy.

Twilight is not okay; in fact, she hasn't been for a long time. When her thoughts go further, just like her actions, ending her life no longer sounds so pathetic. Not having goals in life can result in her own downfall, which is quite crazy, but what's even crazier is knowing that she's still alive thanks to her own enemy.

A crazy fact is knowing that Twilight was just...thinking.

English is not my native lenguage, be patient.

Published 2024-08-03 08:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-08-08 04:41:15 UTC

Beneath the surface

CHAPTER ONE - BENEATH THE SURFACE
"Technically, she wasn't alone, but she felt lonely."

Twilight was sometimes a quiet pony, something her friends knew very well. They knew she didn't enjoy socializing much, that she was an exemplary student, loved her books as much as she loved her friends and her younger brother, Spike. She didn't hesitate to help others, being loyal and someone who would stick by you until the end, even in your worst moments—exemplary, studious, among other adjectives that could make the list longer. To them, she was real.

It was a shame they couldn't see beyond the surface.

For Twilight Sparkle, it was just another day. A day where, if she distracted herself enough, it could turn out to be a good day. For the lavender unicorn, those monotonous days under the great sun provided by the Ruler of Equestria, Celestia, were entirely normal.

Celestia was Twilight's mentor; she had known her since the lavender pony was a filly, aware of her qualities and weaknesses, and knew of her big heart. She loved seeing Twilight's actions when she looked at the stars as the moon reached its highest point during the night.

Those small memories kept Twilight from ending everything she had once fought for, but in a real battle, one fights until death, but it can't be forever. Twilight was...patient, but not enough to last into old age.

She had dreams, or at least she once did. And when everything became routine, she simply didn't know what else to do. When she met her friends, it was like a ray of hope, but by the end of the day, it was still the same. Another day, another week, another month, and another year.

It continued like a cycle, repetitive. This was her life; studying, eating, hanging out with friends, reading...and occasionally fighting villains, reforming them if necessary, like with Nightmare Moon, or turning them to stone, like Discord. When she did it, it seemed extraordinary and exceptional.

It was a plus in her life, but not everything lasts forever.

Beneath all that was sadness. It's a negative feeling caused by events that bring melancholy or suffering to someone, but in her case, it came from those thoughts. When she remained silent in the middle of a conversation, it was because of that.

Thinking is okay; it helps you examine, opine, be...you. But excessive and negative thinking regularly is wrong. It may happen occasionally; we can't be happy all the time. But there was always something wrong. Twilight knew it.

She knew those intrusive thoughts weren't okay, like "I wish I had died when I almost fell off the cliff" or "Why am I like this? Was it my fault? Why can't I end my suffering?", and they continued.

She tried not to let it be her focus during the day, which is why she was productive, but lying to herself with an "I'm fine" didn't lighten things; it seemed to aggravate them, make them worse than they already were. She hated the days when she had nothing to do, without a friendship problem.

She hated when her heart tightened and her nose got stuffed from crying, that salty water running down her cheek like drops, but could turn into a waterfall. She hated having to pretend everything was fine. Deep down, she wished someone would notice, see that she wasn't okay.

But no matter how many hints she dropped, no one picked up on them. She was sure no one would understand, but she was also sure there were people in worse situations. For that reason, she thought she was just someone who complained about something so insignificant.

She had a decent life, had been the best student, the best daughter, the best sister, the best friend. She had graduated, had a home, was recognized for what she had done.

And yet, she felt empty. She thought she was being exaggerated.

She let it go.

And then she realized that the feeling just wouldn't go away.

There were ponies in poverty, who didn't even have bread to eat, who didn't even have a miserable penny to support their needs, like health. Many of them died daily for that same reason, and yet they were happy, or the opposite.

When she saw those street children playing, she wondered, "What's wrong with me?" Those children played, smiled, were happy and at peace with their lives. And she, she wanted to end hers, wished her existence, her miserable and pathetic existence, would disappear.

She wasn't a child; children sometimes don't see the real world, but they were happy.

She felt bad for being jealous of children, children who didn't even have, or have the chance to go to school or be welcomed home by their parents, because they didn't even have a home. Some were orphans, had no place to hang their hats, had nothing they could call home.

So, in a way, she was similar. The difference was that she had a home, had everything someone could wish for, yet she wasn't satisfied enough or happy enough. She didn't have a place to call home.

Technically, she wasn't alone.

But she felt lonely.

These were feelings she didn't understand but had learned to live with because they were routine, all of them. She had no goals or aspirations in life because she knew it would end at some point. She did nothing for her monotonous schedule, just like her life, because she had gotten used to it. She did nothing with her thoughts or her true attitude because, at the end of the day, who cared?

No one would care enough to help her out, which is why she was in that place. There was no one around to stop her because it was desolate.

Heavily, she walked to the edge; her last thought was, "Life is so troublesome," and it was, but it was also a pity that despite her attempt, she hadn't died. On the contrary, she was as alive as when she was a filly.

But for somepony to have saved her from death was strange, especially when they told her, "Life is very valuable to mortals; I'm surprised that you, of all ponies, don't value it. But I understand, it's the same for an immortal being like me."

Author's Note

A character study of Twilight Sparkle was a story I came up with a long time ago, and I wanted to publish it here, so I created an account. I'm not a great writer, but I know I have the fundamental bases to write a great work. I hope you enjoyed the first chapter, although I wasn't sure if I wanted to make it a series or a one-shot. If you like it a lot, then I'll turn it into a series. So I'll wait and see! See you!

-Abrichuink

A Glimpse of Despair

CHAPTER TWO- A GLIMPSE OF DESPAIR
"it’s great to see them suffer."—"Is that why you’re happy?"

The blood dripped, and the crack of a branch echoed in the eerie silence of the forest. There she was, staring at him. The creature before her had the head of a horse, with a deer antler on the right side, a blue goat horn on the left, a long fang, and mismatched pupils. Its tongue was serpentine, its beard goat-like, and its eyebrows white and bushy. Its body combined limbs of a lion, eagle, lizard, and goat, with wings that blended those of a bat and a Pegasus. It was someone she knew all too well, not just because she had seen him before, but because she had defeated him.

"Discord..." Twilight murmured, her voice shaky and breathless. The blood dripping from her mouth made it hard for her to speak. Her strength was waning, and the sight of the draconequus seemed to swirl before her eyes. "Y-you? H-how?!" she exclaimed, before coughing up blood and feeling dizziness envelop her.

"Me?" the draconequus scoffed, his voice resonating with a mocking and disdainful tone. "I saved you, and this is how you thank me?" He took a step closer, observing the lavender pony with a mix of amusement and contempt. "You look terrible," he sneered. It wasn’t the first time he had seen her in such a sorry state, and he was sure it wouldn’t be the last. He still remembered how she had been a gray pony, literally, though not morally.

Or so it seemed.

"I-I was supposed to be—!" She coughed again, interrupting her protest as he placed his hand on her forehead, and a black glow emerged from her.

"I don’t know what you’re doing, but they will defeat you. You should be like a statue... you shouldn’t even be free! Did they release you or...?" She tried to speak, but the draconequus silenced her.

"You’re ruining my beautiful work of art, so don’t talk," Discord said, directing his gaze toward the smaller pony. "Not unless you want me to possess you. Though I could do that. It would be a piece of cake to take your body, destroy those you love... or just let you die and watch the world you cherish turn to ashes."

Upon hearing that, the unicorn fell silent. There was nothing she could do, especially in her current state. She wouldn’t fight against the god of chaos—not alone. She sighed, feeling her bones settle, perhaps due to the movement or the effort of speaking, but that wasn’t the case. She felt better, physically better. She no longer felt as if a couple of library shelves had fallen on her, or that she had received a heavy blow from a royal guard. Soon, the black aura emanating from the draconequus’s hand faded. Am I just a pawn, someone to be used as a toy for his amusement?

"You should be grateful... I stained my freshly washed hands because of you," he said dramatically. Seeing that she didn’t flinch, his frown deepened. "I saved you; it’s not because I like you. You wouldn’t, however, it’s necessary. After all, I am and will be connected to you like a damn dog."

"W-what?" was all she could murmur. She was supposed to be dead, heartless, with wounds that would be found, and then they would hold her funeral—and here she was, alive and kicking. It wasn’t what she desired; it wasn’t what she wanted, and—

"I don’t want to be here either, believe me. Those damn artifacts failed miserably; I was supposed to be locked away, my entire soul. Now it’s fragmented, broken... and split in two. I’m like a lost soul, and you were supposed to be the one... but you’re the only one who can see me, hear me—and probably tolerate me," the god of chaos said, waiting for the imminent silence.

"I’m not hallucinating... no way!" She crouched down and saw her reflection in the puddle created by the rain. "T-tied with you?! No, this must be a joke! Is it because I wanted to end my life?!" she shouted in anger, fed up. It shouldn’t have ended this way.

"Yes, yes, save your tears. I also hoped it was a cruel joke from some other god or the earth itself, but no," he mocked in her face. He didn’t like the situation, but he had to get used to it. Of all creatures, ponies, zebras... he was the one who found her. It wasn’t his explanation—if it could be called that—that caused her mental collapse; it was everything. And she didn’t understand anything. Why did he choose her? How? Tied together?! Why?!

"My soul split in two the moment they used those things against me. The elements are not infinite; they take a long time to recover energy, especially when purifying dark magic. That’s why I helped in their creation," Discord said. Twilight's pupils dilated. Had he created those very elements?

"You’re the god of chaos, you among all beings, created the elements?!" she spat, almost choking on her own words. The being frowned.

"Wrong!" he mocked. "That title is nothing but a sham. They might have something to do with it, the way you all see it, but my purpose and reason for being here is not that. I am the god of everything you love, most of it... at least." He gave her a twisted smile before taking Twilight and teleporting her to an unknown place.

A wasteland, where everything was almost chaos, yet harmonious at the same time. It captivated Twilight’s astonished gaze, and by this point, she had accepted her fate. There would be no turning back; was this how it would be?

"I have the power to control everything I please; chaos is my delight," he commented while showing her the surroundings. "I was a god, creator of the elements too, or at least I helped with their making," he said disdainfully, catching Twilight’s attention.

"How?!" Twilight exclaimed, stunned by the recent revelation.

"Well, it was thanks to those very stones; they were called Hikari. They have a special power, and it’s their vast amount of magic, almost infinite; when Starswirl found them, he used them to extract dark magic, but they exploded when exposed to large amounts." He threw her a glowing orange stone.

"Wow," she said, the glow illuminating the entire place. "Starswirl is one of the greatest wizards, if not the best of all time! I knew he had something to do with the creation of the elements, but I couldn’t verify its truth... and what did you do?"

"And that’s where I came in... I granted them unparalleled power, making them almost unbreakable unless someone with great power uses them. They automatically bond with the bearer, as if it were... I’m too lazy to explain!" He made a dramatic gesture, sitting in what Twilight could perceive as a throne.

"Are you serious?" she murmured, disheartened.

"You fell for it; you should have seen your face when I told you!" He transported Twilight in front of him to continue the conversation. "They simply connect; the bearer must reflect what the element is. Starswirl and I created a magical spell to purify dark magic and transform it into life-giving and healing energy, like a boomerang."

"So, when we defeated Nightmare Moon, it was due to the clash of both magics? The element channeled it and returned it? Just like that?" the unicorn asked uncertainly. When Discord nodded, she continued, "But... how did we turn you to stone? Shouldn’t it have 'reformed' you or something like that?"

"Not necessarily; like magic itself, it has different uses. You and your friends only know the basics: countering dark magic, reforming or turning ponies and creatures back to their original forms, changing them. But there’s petrification, where magic accumulates and creates a field of forces to prevent the other from using magic, moving, or whatever. It can also expel, like a shockwave; there are so many things that drain my mental energy." He leaned back in his seat.

"And... you didn’t explain why I’m still here; there must be a trick, some trap by which you saved me. I know you’re not entirely vile and cruel; however, you never give anything for free without getting something in return. Why did you save me? What do I have to do with this?" she asked. Discord approached and set up a chessboard.

"Don’t ignore me—"

"As I told you before, the elements are connected to me; it’s thanks to me that they continue to function so well—I should have gotten rid of them—and the elements are connected to you. You are like the king; the other elements follow you like soldiers... and together they form an army." He moved a piece on the chessboard.

"Are we playing chess and—?" She directed her gaze at the God.

"Alright, we’re connected; is that why I can see you? Hear you?" She paused briefly. "I just want you to disappear and continue what I was doing before you saved me."

"It’s impossible; my soul, being divided, found refuge in your element, and little by little, you and the element become one. That’s why I’m now physically present for you; I found a way to keep living, thanks to you." He formed a twisted smile. "You are my vessel."

"Vessel? Mentally or something? I know you said we were tied, and that was my first conclusion; I don’t know what else to think, and I don’t even want to."

She looked at him with a furrowed brow.

"Let’s say you are my bearer; you have the ability to use my magic and all that. Damn, I never thought I’d be trapped in you, mentally, even my damn powers. That’s why I saved you." At this, Twilight merely looked at him skeptically.

"You must be joking..." she murmured, letting her chess piece fall to the ground without gravity.

"No, I mocked you; I told you everything." He let out a laugh. "You’re a demigod now, Little Demon," he joked in her face.

"There’s no way to... I don’t know, break this spell or reverse it?" she exclaimed, frightened, planning to leave as soon as possible.

"Death is not an option; it probably wouldn’t even work. You likely have my regeneration ability. Besides, if you die, I could take your body, but the problem is I would die in an instant. I need a truly physical body. Another option would be for you to let me be free, but that wouldn’t break the bond; you’d have a replica of my powers, and I don’t want a damn copy!" He pointed at her dramatically.

"Isn’t there an option?" she asked, downcast.

"There isn’t, so you’ll keep living. Look on the bright side! You’ll learn to use chaos magic, and maybe you’ll give some sense to your miserable life," he spat with a smile before snapping his fingers and returning to the place they were before arriving at the wasteland.

She could hear the rain dripping... had too much time passed?

"No," he replied, alarming the lavender pony. "We’re connected; everything you think, I’ll hear. I’m in your mind—technically—and you’ll be able to see me; just speak... by thinking."

"Better that way; I already have one more problem to solve. Somehow, I’ll find a way to separate myself from you and fulfill my wish; don’t mess up my plans," she said, pulling out the note she had left in her pocket. This... wasn’t supposed to happen.

"Do you have chocolate milk? I really crave it, or maybe marshmallows, cotton candy," the god kept chattering.

"Are you ever going to shut up?" The mare was fed up; she could handle it in smaller doses, like Pinkie Pie.

"No! And you better act normal when I talk to you; we don’t want Celestia to send you to a mental hospital for talking to yourself or seeing things that don’t exist for others," the God pointed out before turning around and stealing an apple that was on the ground.

"Do you think I’d want that?"

"Absolutely not." He walked alongside her. "I could train you; I don’t want you to destroy yourself or the entire world. I planned that when I’m freed, I’d go for that cotton candy recipe. It’s not the same when I create it myself as when others do; plus, it’s great to see them suffer."

"Is that why you’re happy?" she asked disdainfully, turning to look at him, and there he was again. Damn miserable.

"Yes, I’m happy because you’re suffering right now. It doesn’t matter if you’re burned alive, have your heart ripped out, your bones broken, or you commit suicide; you’ll never die. You’ll just find yourself in a deplorable state before regenerating. And you won’t be able to use your magic properly due to the excess; you could explode Ponyville." He joked with her while eating another piece of his apple.

"Maybe many would consider it a blessing; who wouldn’t want that? But it’s a complete curse... and on top of that, I’ll have to refrain from using magic. Great," she murmured angrily.

She continued walking until she reached the library. Some glances were directed at her, probably due to her wet hair or the dark circles under her eyes. 'Oh god... how much time has passed? she thought, noticing it was a rainy day in the afternoon. She assumed it had been two hours or less, although the drastic climate change didn’t fit her speculations.

"Maybe a day or more," she said without thinking, a shriek escaped Twilight’s mouth before she ran toward her 'home.'

"And the fun?" he said before teleporting to where Twilight was, who was gasping for air.

"Wow, you look terrible; you definitely need an upgrade in your physical appearance," he said.

She ignored him, quickly opening the door.

"Spike!" she shouted loudly. When she entered and searched the room, there he was, sobbing, throwing himself onto Twilight. Alongside him were her other friends, who looked equally worried.

"What happened?"

"Where were you, Twilight?!" Spike asked, holding onto her tightly. She lowered her gaze and hugged him back even tighter.

"Sorry for not letting you know about my... unexpected escape," was all she could manage to say. How would she explain it to them? What would she do? She could see Discord’s mocking gaze as if to say, *I told you so.* She didn’t want to see them suffer, but she would do it anyway.

"I thought you were kidnapped, dear!"

"Yes, and no one knew anything. We know you’re capable and all that, egghead. But still, you should have let us know. You disappeared for a day without a word," exclaimed the rainbow-maned Pegasus.

Twilight felt a knot in her stomach as she looked at her friends and Spike, who surrounded her with worried expressions. The warmth of their embrace was comforting, but the shadow of the chaos she had experienced with Discord lingered in her mind.

"I was practicing! Plus, I found something interesting about the—ow!" She received a hit on the head from Pinkie Pie.

"Sorry... I know it’s nothing; I practically left without saying anything for a day..." she whispered, rubbing her sore head.

"The problem isn’t that; poor Spikey, I had to lend him some of my chocolate rations!" Pinkie exclaimed.

Discord’s eyes widened, and he snorted. "Chocolate is precious... I think the one I like the most here is Fluttershy. Can’t you all be like her?" he asked, receiving no response or comment. "Blah, blah, blah; at least a bird would respond," he said before disappearing. Fluttershy sneezed and then approached Twilight.

"Y-you scared us a lot; Spike was worried," she said in a voice as strong as what they could hear from Discord.

Twilight huffed and then wiped Spike's tears. "I won't do it again!" she exclaimed. "The only good thing is that I have information and—" Noticing the looks from her friends, again, she decided to keep it to herself for later. Applejack wrinkled her nose and turned to Twilight.

"Mmm... I smell lies," she murmured, just before being pulled into a group hug.

"How the hell did the problem get resolved so quickly?!" said the god of chaos as he munched on his popcorn, setting his sunglasses aside and tossing his snack. "Too much mushiness; what is this, a tragic friendship or romance novel?" Ignored once again, he exploded his popcorn in frustration.

"I guess I know what to write for my report," the lavender pony commented.

"How to stop being a paranoid idiot and stop worrying your friends?" Rainbow joked, stepping away from the hug.

"Yeah... but I'm not an idiot, and I'm not paranoid," the unicorn replied.

"Sugarcube... sometimes you're a bit overdramatic and paranoid," she commented, only to be met with a not-so-pleasant look from Twilight.

'Not today, not today, maybe another day.'

Author's Note

Sorry for the delay!; and maybe for the chapter being so... I don't know, I think it lacked more emotion. I'll see if I can fix it later, I didn't know how to properly introduce the plot.

Plus I have theories and ideas for the next chapters! I promise to reward you with a longer chapter soon, I hope you liked it, I accept constructive opinions and ideas!