What Do We Do With a Drunken Scotsman Early in the Mornin'
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Legend of the Scottish Cyclops
What Do We Do With a Drunken Scotsman Early in the Mornin'
On the outskirts of the city of Teufort sat two lone bases connected by a single bridge. The bases are famously known as 2Fort, where both RED and BLU teams have been warring each other for two years. Battles have been lost and won, some even going on for what felt like ages. But right now, the current battle has skidded to a halt, as both teams have been taking time planning their next moves. At the RED base, one of the Demomen has been drinking for the millionth time this month, and the other team members are getting sick of his antics. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when that Demoman caused an incident that would lead him down an unexpected path.
In the intelligence room sat another Demoman, two Engineers with level 3 sentries and dispensers, and a Heavy. One of the Engineers has a level 3 entrance teleporter that sends you down in the sewer tunnel, and the other has an exit teleporter that’s wirelessly connected to the entrance teleporter right outside the spawn gate. Both Engineers are sitting in their own retractable chairs that they’ve built, with their own umbrellas and shelves that store bottles of beer. The Heavy sits on the chair at the desk, where the intelligence briefcase sat, his Tomislav lying against a nearby wall. He looks bored and isn’t in the mood to engage in a drink with the Engineers. The Demoman was just as bored, but more alert than anyone else in the room. He’s holding the Scottish Resistance, carefully watching both hallways, each having four sticky bombs on the ceiling, silently waiting for a BLU spy to come through either hallway and hopefully be stupid enough to mess up their acting skills or their disguise along the way so he can be prompted to blow their arses up before they can even come within range of the sentries.
“How do you do this all bloody day, Engie?” The Demoman asks, breaking the silence.
“Maybe if you brought your own chair and stop actin’ so paranoid, you wouldn’t be so bored.” The Engineer answered.
“I never thought it’d be possible to be both paranoid and bored at the same time.” The other Engineer commented.
“Apparently, you can.” The Demoman replied. “You have your answer.”
Down the right hallway, the four mercenaries hear drunken mumbling that sounded all too familiar to them.
“Incoming!” The Demoman alerted, putting away his Scottish Resistance.
The Heavy raised his head and quickly rose out of his seat to grab his Tomislav and aim it at the hallway. One of the Engineers gets out his semi-auto shotgun, known as the Widowmaker, as he too rises from his own chair and prepares himself for a potential attack. The other Engineer just stares and hopes that this drunk Demoman is an ally. If he’s on BLU and he’s wandering around the base shit-faced drunk, then there’s no way he can get past the main entrance or the sewers, he thought.
The drunken mumblings grew louder as the unknown Demoman stumbles closer. The men grew tense until they saw the iconic Odius Albrero. They all exhaled in relief that it wasn’t someone from BLU and in frustration that it’s the biggest alcoholic in the team: Danger Demo.
Danger Demo is known for his reckless and dangerous behavior, hence the name. He’s at his most violent and risk-taking state when he’s drunk, and he likes to drink a lot. No one knows why he drinks so often, but they never intend to find out because most of the explanations he provides are just contradictory nonsense or just incoherent mumblings, like he’s a Pyro. Oddly enough, he’s proven to be very effective in battle, especially when he equips his Tide Turner, Ali Baba’s Wee Booties, and dual wields two Persian Persuaders and starts trimping. But in this case, he’s neither attaching the enemy base, launching himself into the air with a Sticky Jumper, nor is he defending anything. He just got drunk, wandered downstairs, and miraculously didn’t trip down the stairs.
“False alarm, lads.” The Scottish Resistance Demoman diffused, and everyone lowers their weapons.
“Aww hell…” The Widowmaker Engineer muttered as Danger Demo stumbles down the hallway with his bottle of scrumpy in his hand.
“Eeeeeyyyyy, lads!” He greeted.
“Howdy.” The lazy Engineer responds, sounding sincere, but even he doesn’t like to be around him.
Danger Demo drinks the last of his scrumpy and just drops the empty bottle onto the ground, not caring that it shattered on impact.
“I nEed aNoThER dRiNK.” Danger Demo reaches for the lazy Engineer’s beer, when said Engineer grabbed a firm hold of it.
“Don’t touch my beer, son.” He warned.
“Aww cOMe oN! DoN’T gET gREedy.”
“Heck no. Get your own.”
“LeARn to ShARe, bOyO. SHaRiNg iS CArIng.”
“Well, I don’t care.”
The regular Demoman chuckled.
“OH, wHaT’S so fUnNY?”
“It’s you two acting like children.” The regular Demoman explained, clearly not meaning any offense.
“ThIS fUckIN’ wAr is tHE rReASon whY I dRiNk. GiVE mE tHAt.”
Danger Demo reached for the Widowmaker Engineer’s beer, only for him to put a hand up to him, briefly halting him.
“I think it’s you who’s being greedy, Demo.” He argues. “I’m sure there are plenty of bottles you can drink right now.”
“I drank it AlL.” Danger Demo responds.
“Well, that ain’t my problem.”
“I’m gIVing yA a SImPle oRder.”
“I’m givin’ you a simple order.”
“Ya rEaLly WanT tO fIGht oVer tHaT bEEr?”
“I think you should sober up, Demo.”
This made Danger Demo frustrated. “I tHInK yOu sHoUld bAcK ThE fUcK uP!”
“There’s no need to escalate things, here.” The regular Demoman attempts to diffuse the argument.
“No oNE’s tALkin’ tO Ya!”
“I’m with Engineer on this one.” The Heavy finally spoke up. “I think it’s best you go get some sleep.”
“GiVe mE at lEaST oNe bEEr, jUsT OnE.”
“Fuck off, Demo.” The Engineer snapped. “It’s your fault your precious scrumpy is gone, so have fun with nothing to drink.”
There was a tense silence as Danger Demo glares at him.
“WhAT thE bLOodY hEll diD yOu sAY?” He hissed.
“Ah cripe!” The regular Demoman blurted, sensing a fight is about to break out.
“I’m gonna need you to step back, Demo.” The Heavy orders as he walks between Danger Demo and the Engineer, who still has the Widowmaker in his hands. “You need to calm down. And you, Engineer. Getting aggressive with him won’t solve anything.”
“Oh, yOU dAre dEFeNd hiM? AnD wHaT dO yOu inTEnD to dO tO sTOp mE?”
“You’re pushing your luck, Demo.”
“YOu dON’t sCaRE mE, ya cOMmUniST!”
“You sound like Soldier.”
“YoU’Re tHE ReAsON wHY SCoTlAnd is iN dANgER!”
“Clearly, you don’t know how much the Russian people has suffered.”
“GeT. OUt. Of. My. WaY.”
“Hurting your teammates goes against your contract.”
“ThAT DiDn’T sTOp yOu fRoM hUrtIng SoLDier.”
“Our team captain has lost his mind. He was clearly using you as means to an end.”
“I hAd vALuE! He tOLd mE!”
“You don’t seem fit for battle, now. You’re seem drunk.”
“I’Ve bEen wAy mORe drunk than tHIs. I’m FinE.”
“No, you’re not. We all know how reckless you get when you’re like this.”
“WoMp wOmP. DeAl wItH iT! ThIS gUiTaR jERkiNg hICK wANts to fIGht oVeR hiS dRiNkS? I’Ll sHOW hIM wHAt hApPeNs wHEn hE sQuARes uP agAinST a ScOTsMann! I'Ll sHoW tHe CApTAin tHAt I'm tHE sTrONgeSt!”
“You have to get through me, first.”
Danger Demo tries to walk around the Heavy to get to the Engineer, only for the Heavy to block him in his path. His maneuvers get faster and more aggressive only for the Heavy to either block him or push him back, which only angers him even more. Once the Heavy pushed Demo into the ground, the Demo had enough. He balls up his fists and swings a right jab at the Heavy, only for him to block it. He follows it with an even harder left hook.
“That escalated quickly.” The lazy Engineer commented before he took another sip from his beer.
Danger Demo goes for an uppercut to reach around the Heavy’s guarding arms and hit him in the torso, and he almost did, but it didn’t do much. Demo swings for another punch, but Heavy grabs his fist. Demo swings his other fist and Heavy grabs it, too. They both push against each other, and it seems like the Heavy is about to gain the upper hand until Demo musters the strength to push back and then kicks Heavy aiming for his testicles, but ended up kicking his hip instead. He follows it with a fierce headbutt that knocks the Heavy off balance, and Demo takes full advantage of this by unleashing a flurry of punches and pushes him onto the lazy Engineer’s dispenser, crushing it under his weight.
The lazy Engineer gasps and then gets angry.
“THAT’S IT!!” The Lazy Engineer rises from his seat, drinks the last of his beer and turns over the bottle before going up to Demo and whacking it onto his head, the bottle shattering on impact. The Demo turns around and punches the lazy Engineer in the face, making him stumble back and fall onto his seat, tipping it over and letting his other beer bottles.
“Demo, you dumb son of a bitch, stop!!”
Danger Demo ignores his objections and lifts the Heavy with seemingly little effort, although it still took a while to lift him above his head. Demo turns to the window overlooking the control panels and the world map, and throws the Heavy through the glass. The Heavy screams as he falls until a loud thud echoes throughout the intel room. Thankfully, he didn't fall that far.
The Lazy Engineer aims his pistol only for the Widowmaker Engineer to silently diffuse him. He mouthed the words, “I’ll handle this.”
He turns towards Danger Demo. “Have a seat, Demo.”
“FuCk oFf!” Danger Demo spat before snatching one of his whiskey bottles and drinking it.
The Widowmaker Engineer turns towards the now skeptical and confused lazy Engineer. “I got a plan. But we need to discuss it in private.”
The lazy Engineer nods.
“Alright, boys. We’re gonna go take a piss.” The Widowmaker Engineer announces. “Demoman, watch this drunk bastard and make sure he doesn’t cause any more destruction.”
“Aye!” The normal Demoman responds with a salute.
The two Engineers walk down the hallway to the nearest resupply room (the room that nobody gets deployed in, so it was simply called Resupply Room 3) while Danger Demo stumbles around and drinks more of the Engineer’s beer.
“That no-good son of a bitch just assaulted one of our fuckin’ teammates!” The lazy Engineer ranted. “Who the fuck does he think he is!? I swear to God, the longer he stays here, the bigger threat he poses to us!”
“I understand your frustration, partner.” The Widowmaker Engineer responds, his own voice laced with his own hatred for Danger Demo. “But don’t worry. I think I might have a way to get rid of him… permanently.”
“You really think so? How?”
“Remember those teleporters that that drunk Demo hasn’t destroyed yet? Remember how those teleporters send you from entrance to exit?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I’ve been thinkin’ maybe we can imbue them with magic.”
“Magic?? You don’t mean…”
“I’m afraid so. We’ll have to seek Merasmus.”
“He’ll vaporize us!”
“Not if we strike a deal with him.”
“Like what?”
“I suppose he’ll tell us to go get some lost artifact somewhere. It’ll probably take a while, but the sooner we get it done, the sooner we get him out of here. RED and BLU teams are at a temporary ceasefire, so it won’t matter as much as long as we don’t spend days away from the base.”
“I’ll just ignore the fact that we’d be actively violate our contracts, but whatever. I hope you know what you’re doin’.”
“It’s only a violation if we get caught. His house ain’t that far. I’ll get my teleporter.”
The Widowmaker Engineer runs out of the resupply room and packs his entrance teleporter into his toolbox. He notices that Danger Demo has drank all of the beer and is now passed out on the floor. The regular Demoman just looks disappointed of him.
“Is the Heavy okay?” The Engineer asks, getting his teleporter and packing it into a large, red toolbox.
“Yeah.” The Demoman answers. “He was healed by the Medic. It’s all good. Where are ya taking that, lad?”
“We’re takin’ it to Merasmus to have it enchanted.”
“What!? You’re bloody crazy! What made ya think this is a good idea?”
“We all want this Demo gone. But I need to get him out of here somehow. This seems like our only option.”
“You best hope the others won’t find out about this. You’d be violating your contract.”
“Merasmus doesn’t live that far. We’ll be back in a few hours.”
“You’d be lucky if you’d be back at all.”
“Listen, I’m doin’ this team a huge fasvo by getting’ rid of this man. He’s way too dangerous to stay, and apparently our higher-ups couldn’t be bothered to get rid of him. So, we have to take justice into our own hands.”
The Demoman sighed. “Suit yourself, mate. But don’t say I didn’t warn ya.”
The Widowmaker Engineer carries his toolbox and returns to the lazy Engineer in the third resupply room.
“Let’s get goin’.” The Widowmaker Engineer tells the lazy Engineer, who follows him out of the underground resupply room upstairs and past a couple of sentry nests along the way. The two manage to escape by climbing over the fence, and there happens to be no Snipers or Engineers patrolling just outside the base at the moment. They begin their journey to meet Merasmus.
The two Engineers arrive at the doorstep of a haunted, decrepit apartment on the outskirts of Teufort. From the outside, it doesn’t look like anyone lives there, but even if Merasmus isn’t in here, it’s worth looking for him here.
“This is it…” The lazy Engineer comments. “Once we go in there, there ain’t no goin’ back.”
The Widowmaker Engineer, still holding his toolbox, ignores his grim remark and knocks on the door four times. After a few moments, the door bursts open, with a green light coming from inside the apartment and a tall wizard emerges, looking furious. This wizard wears his black, torn robes and
“Fools! You dare disturb Merasmus, master of the arcane, in his sanctum?” The wizard bellows. “Speak quickly or I shall turn you into toads and use you for my next potion!”
“We just came here to make a deal.” The lazy Engineer replies with his hands up as if he’s being held at gunpoint after failing the objective.
“A deal? With me? Hah! What could you two bumbling buffoons possibly offer that Merasmus doesn’t already possess?”
“We just need some magic.” The Widowmaker Engineer answered. “Perhaps an enchantment to our teleporter. We just need to send someone far, far away. We figured you’d be the right guy for the job.”
“…You want me to enchant your teleporter just for that?”
“Yeah.”
Merasmus pauses, stroking his chin in consideration. Then a wicked grin stretches across his face.
“Interesting... But such magic comes at a price, and I grow weary of complex transactions. I crave something more… entertaining.”
“Name it.”
“It is quite simple, actually. You can sacrifice either of yourselves to me, and I’ll enchant your teleporter.”
The Widowmaker Engineer puts a hand to his clone’s shoulder sympathetically. “Partner, it was nice knowin’ ya.”
“Hell no! You deserve to go. I’m the smarter one.”
“No, you’re not. All you do is sit on your fat ass all day, and you only showed the slightest bit of resistance when your precious downtime was interrupted when Demo spilled your beer.”
“Like you did anything better to solve the situation. You could’ve shot the bastard.”
“What the hell was I supposed to do? Get fired for murdering my own teammate and violating my own contract?”
“Well, I can’t afford to be put through a torturous ritual. I ain’t goin’! You have to take one for the team… literally.”
“No! I’m sacrificing you.”
“No, I’m sacrificing you!”
“SILENCE!” Merasmus bellowed. “It looks like you two idiots can’t decide amongst yourselves. So, there’s only one way to settle this. I’ll have you duel to the death!”
“WHAT!?” Both Engineers asked in disbelief unison, before finding themselves in the middle of what appears to be an arena closed off by mesh walls like a large cage, with boxes and small walls for cover. Merasmus looms above them like an omnipresent deity.
“This is where you two will kill each other.” He informs the two mercenaries. His voice echoes throughout the room while many spectators cheer in anticipation. “The loser shall be sacrificed to me, and the winner will receive the magic they seek.”
The lazy Engineer sees a Soldier in the center of the room, wearing a white and black striped referee shirt, black pants, and shoes along with his iconic helmet that covers his eyes.
“Soldier, what in Sam hell are you doin’ here?” The Lazy Engineer asks.
“Don’t ask questions, maggot. Just accept it for what it is.” Soldier replied. “Alright, ladies. There will be no sentries allowed, because it’s stupidly overpowered… unless you have the Gunslinger. But otherwise, it’s just you, your guns, your fists, and your guts. If you die, you lose. If your opponent dies before you, then you win. Now, let’s play ball!”
“Soldier, this ain’t baseba—”
Before the lazy Engineer can finish his sentence, he and the Widowmaker Engineer are then teleported to opposite ends of the arena, with their guns in hand. The lazy Engineer is carrying a stock shotgun.
“Now, are you two ready? Fight!” Merasmus declares, a bell ringing twice once he finished his sentence.
“I don’t wanna do this, partner. But it’s him or me.” The Widowmaker Engineer calls out, getting out his primary weapon.
After navigating through the small arena to find each other, they would soon meet at the center of the room. The Widowmaker Engineer fires upon the lazy Engineer, who dashes for cover upon seeing him, but still got hit by the bullets. The Widowmaker Engineer prioritizes accuracy like most Engineers with this weapon of choice tends to do, landing shot after shot and only shooting when he knows he’ll hit it. The lazy Engineer tries to close the distance, using his pistol if he can’t, but mostly relying on cover to protect himself or, if not, dodging shots. The fight was intense nonetheless until the Widowmaker Engineer ultimately prevails. The arena falls silent as the Widowmaker Engineer stands over his fallen comrade, his expression unreadable.
“One, two, three strikes. You’re out!” The Soldier raises the Engineer’s arm and says, “The runner is safe! All you have to do is finish the job.”
The Widowmaker hesitates, but Merasmus appeas, demanding the sacrifice.
“Do it! Finish him, and you shall have my magic.”
The Widowmaker Engineer, heart heavy with guilt, aims his shotgun and puts his lazy counterpart out of his misery. As the life fades from the lazy Engineer, Merasmus chuckles.
Thunder roars as the Soldier takes the lazy Engineer’s corpse and carries it away.
“Can I go, now? I got a Demoman to get rid of.” The Widowmaker Engineer asks, not wanting to think about what he’d just done.
“Well done, mortal. Your sacrifice amuses me.”
The Widowmaker Engineer was instantly teleported back to Merasmus’ home. Merasmus has the lazy Engineer nailed to a cross with his stomach cut open, revealing his innards and rib cage.
“That was fun. Now, about your teleporter, Engineer.”
“Y-yes. I got it right here.” The Widowmaker Engineer gets out his toolbox and gets out his entrance teleporter, placing it on the floor.
Merasmus, with the wave of his staff, summons a lightning beam of magic onto the teleporter. It glows purple for a second before fading.
“Now go forth, and use the power you’ve earned… while it lasts.” Merasmus advises.
The Widowmaker Engineer packs up his teleporter into his toolbox and leaves the apartment without another word.
Back at 2Fort, RED and BLU have resumed their fighting… a day after their ceasefire began. Yes, it is the very next day after the Widowmaker Engineer and the lazy Engineer secretly deserted to Merasmus to enchant their teleporter. The Widowmaker Engineer came back alive, and nobody noticed he was gone. They only wondered where the lazy Engineer was and just figured he had a heart attack and died from all the soda and fast food he’s consumed on a daily basis (a lot of mercenaries were fighting at 2Fort that week, so it wouldn’t make too much of a difference if only one of them died for no reason).
Another day, another battle. RED and BLU teams gather their weapons. Most of them run into Resupply Room 1, where most mercenaries prefer to go to to restock on weapons and supplies, while the few Snipers upon the front balcony rush to Resupply Room 2, which has one hallway that leads to the front balcony and another hallway that leads to a trap door that drops you straight into the first floor, in their respective bases to gear up and grab extra supplies for the incoming assault, and most of them just ignore the third one underground for some reason.
Danger Demo goes to Resupply Room 1 and dug into the resupply cabinet and found yet another sizeable supply of scrumpy, as if it’s a drug he cannot live without. To resume the fight, all the mercenaries rush back out of the resupply rooms with their new weapons, gear, and even armor, all except Danger Demo, who was on the verge of passing out on the bench, and Widowmaker Engineer, who stayed to lure him to his new magic teleporter.
“Umm… Demo?” The Widowmaker Engineer called.
Danger Demo woke up and saw the Engineer, remembering his mission and grabbing his Iron Bomber left on the floor.
“LeEEeeeEt’S dO iiIiIt!” Danger Demo cheered, dropping his bottle carelessly onto the floor, shattering it on impact, as he struggled to walk in a straight line out of the room.
The Widowmaker Engineer rushes out with his toolbox and placed his magic entrance teleporter near the entrance, close enough for Danger Demo to see and talk towards. The portal activates, glowing purple instead of a light red, which made the Engineer worried that Danger Demo won’t trust him with something like this, on top of not even knowing what changes were made to the teleporter’s appearance as a result of the enchantment.
“Uh, hey, Demo, here’s a teleporter for ya.” The Widowmaker Engineer called, getting his toolbox and taking out his entrance teleporter.
“ThAnNkS, lAD. WAit, whY is iT glOwINg pURpLe?”
“It’s just a new upgrade. It’s connected to two exit teleporters, now, and you can choose which one.”
Demo paused, narrowing his eye in suspicion.
“AYe, fAir eNOuGh.” He said, instantly taking his word and forgetting his initial skepticism.
He walks close to the teleporter, but fails to stand right on top of it, and even trips over it a couple of times until his seventh try, when he finally placed both his feet on it, struggling to regain his footing. After a few seconds, the teleporter glows brighter and Danger Demo lets out a scream as the magic envelops him, lifting him off the ground before his entire body disappears. The teleporter completely deactivates. The Widowmaker Engineer sighs and packs it up and carries it away to the first resupply room.
Danger Demo finds himself on a concrete road, with a magic purple circle underneath him disappearing. The first thing he experiences was nearly getting hit by a car, which got him scared and frustrated at the driver.
“WhAT tHE bLOodY hEll iS wROnG wITh ya!?” He shouts, shaking his fist, and clumsily grabbing his Iron Bomber. He sees the model of the car, and cannot believe his eyes. This one looks like something from a sci-fi movie. It looks bulkier, more sleek, more aerodynamic, and even the rims look outlandish and angular. It’s nothing like the chrome-heavy cars he’s used to in the late 1960s.
“ThIS AiN’T whERe thE bASe iS at…” He commented drunkenly. Danger Demo once agains struggles to regain his footing. He decides to get out of the road and sees a town not too far from his current position.
The houses of the town are modern with a whimsical storybook quality. They’re mostly wooden houses, with visible wooden beams on the exterior of the cream white painted walls, creating a timber-frame look. The beams are often arranged in crisscross patterns, giving a quaint medieval-like aesthetic. However, the roofs are either a dark grey or a golden-brown color, but the roofs are made of terracotta or other synthetic roofing materials. The houses often feature irregular shapes, with curved lines and asymmetrical designs, making each house unique and distinct from one another, and making the architecture more playful and magical. The town overall, feels like a welcoming place to live, but from Danger Demo’s perspective, it just feels like the teleporter gave him pyrovision.
“WhEre tHe bLOody hElL aM I?” He asked out loud. He then proceeded to get out his Sticky Jumper, shooting two sticky bombs onto the floor right in front of him before jumping right over them before remotely detonating them, launching him several feet into the air, travelling at a speed of about 24 miles an hour. The whole time he was airborne, he was screaming like he was having fun on a roller coaster, not realizing where he’s about to land in.
Danger Demo lands right on top of someone’s car, which looks most similar to a 2014 Jaguar F-Type.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?” A nearby woman cries in a transatlantic accent, her voice full of confusion and frustration.
Danger Demo just burps as he rolls off the dented roof of the car and falls onto the floor.
“You’re gonna pay for that, you ruffian!”
“I’Ve pAId fOR wAy mOrE tHaN ThAt, laSsiE…” Danger Demo mumbles as he stumbles back up, resting against the broken car. “I nEed to gEt bACk tO tHe baTtLEfieLD, so I cAN kICk sOmE bLUe aRSe! I neED to kNoW whERE thE BLU bAsE is.”
“I don’t know what in Tartarus are you talking about, but you seem drunk.”
“I’Ve bEeN wAY mORe dRunK tHaN THis. TruST me, lASsiE.” Danger Demo sees the woman he was talking to, but sees that her skin is literally white as snow, her hair is purple, her eyes are huge, and her head is… in a shape of a horse…? And she also has a horn protruding from her forehead like a unicorn. The woman crosses her arms, looking furious.
Danger Demo sees the otherworldly creature he’s facing. Yep. She's humanoid alright, with clothes and everything. More specifically, red high heels, purple jeans, a light blue short-sleeved shirt, and brass earrings.
“I mUsT bE dRiNking tOo mUch. ArE yOu a BlOodY uNiCorN, wiTh a wOmAN’s bOdY?”
“Yes, I'm real. And you’ve destroyed my car! Now, I can’t get home from work. What were you thinking!?”
“I’m sOrRy, mY lAdY.”
“You owe me for this!”
Danger Demo sighed as the woman struggles to get the door open and get in her car. “FInE. OnCe I gEt me pAYcHeCK, yoU’lL gEt yEr cUt. Is tHat a dEal?”
The woman takes a moment to calm down.
“I suppose so, but it’s not about the cost. It’s the principle.” She says in a calmer, but still stern tone. “You’ve made quite a mess, and I can’t overlook the damage you did. Since you’re clearly in no state to handle this yourself, I suppose I can help you... under one condition. You need to make this right, starting with fixing my car.”
“Do I lOok liKE a meCHaNic to yA? I’m sOrRy, bUt tHat’S sOmEThin’ yoU cAn tALk to EnGInEer aBOut. I’m jUSt a DeMOmaN.”
“Well, since you’re not fit for that task, then at the very least, you can help with a couple of arrands while I arrange a professional to fix the car.”
“NaME ‘eM.” Demo says while Rarity struggles to open the passenger door after remotely unlocking it so she can pull out a cardboard box and give it to him, and Demo instinctively grabs onto it.
“I need you to take this package to Fluttershy’s cottage. It’s just down the path. Follow the butterflies and you can’t miss it. No detours.”
“Aye!”
“And I could use a break, and I’m sure you could, too. Why don’t you run—or fly—over to Sugarcube Corner and bring back some tea? It shouldn’t be that hard to find. All you need to look for is the building with the cupcake sign, and even if the sign isn’t there, the building looks like it was made from gingerbread and a cupcake. You shouldn’t miss it. Oh, and no stopping at the tavern along the way. Think you can manage all that?”
“I’vE mAnaGEd wOrSE. BuT coNSIdeR iT dONe, lASs!”
“Good. Be sensible out there.”
With one hand, Danger Demo gets out his Sticky Jumper and shoots two sticky bombs on the floor, jumps right above them and detonates them, launching himself into the air with the package, making Rarity jump in initial shock and watch in amazement and concern as Demo flies.
Danger Demo lands on his face in a random part of town. He raises his head to look for butterflies and sees some. He drunkenly gets up and sprints like an idiot towards the butterflies, scaring them off. He follows the many butterflies (that were simply flying around peacefully on the side of the road), sticky jumping through the whole journey, which eventually lead him down a gravel road to a small cottage that looks like it was made in the 1980s, with floral and natural designs that suggest that whoever this Fluttershy is may very well be one of those hippies that loves nature. Butterflies surround the house like snowflakes that just fly wherever they feel like, making Danger Demo conclude that this is his destination.
Danger Demo rings the doorbell, and after two seconds, he rings it again and again, already frustrated.
“PiECe oF cRaP!” He blurts out.
The door opens and a yellow woman with a similar unicorn head to the previous one appears. Only this one has a pair of wings instead of a horn protruding from her forehead. Her pink hair is wavy and long. Danger Demo realizes that she also has a tail with the same style and color as her hair. Demo was expecting a strong smell of weed or marijuana to come from inside the house, but instead got a mild smell of flowers.
Bloody drug addicts. Demo thought. Always givin’ hippies a bad name…
“Um… h-hello? Are you alright?” Fluttershy
“DOiN’ gOoD, lAd! I bRouGhT ya tHiS. WhAddya tHinK, ey?”
“Oh, um.. is that for me? From Rarity? But, where is she? Did she send you instead?”
“SpEcIAl dEliveRY fROm ScOTlANd!”
Demo places down the package as gently as he could before walking away.
“Thank you for bringing this all the way here.” Fluttershy continued. “You must have had a, uh, difficult journey. Would you like to come inside and rest for a moment? I could make you some tea or water, if you want.”
Demo didn’t have time to answer, for he just shoots two sticky bombs onto the ground beneath him and launches himself into the air, flying away from Fluttershy’s cottage, not seeming to care that he’s also spinning out of control as his shouts of joy ring through the air.
“Oh my goodness!” Fluttershy said in amazement as she watched Demo fly several miles away.
That was incredible… but also dangerous, Fluttershy thought. I never seen anyone move like that before. He seemed so happy, and yet so drunk. What if he gets himself hurt before he sobers up? I hope he lands safely.
Danger Demo sticky jumps around town, narrowly avoiding cars and bicycle riders until he finds a building that looks like it was made of sweets, like the unicorn woman described. He falls right next to the front door of Sugarcube Corner. He stumbles right through the door, opening it, triggering an electric bell, but falling face first before he could even take his first step into the bakery. He gets up and nearly falls, but catches himself on an empty table.
A vibrant pink chubby woman rushes to the front desk. Her hair and tail was poofy and curly. She wears a yellow shirt, blue denim shorts, blue and yellow striped knee-high socks, white and red sneakers, and a white apron. She looks at Demo with a welcoming smile despite his drunkenness.
“Hi there!” She greets, her high-pitched voice full of her usual youthful energy. “Welcome to Sugarcube Corner, bringing smiles upon smiles to brighten up your day! I’m Pinkie Pie. How can I help ya?”
“I nEeD sOme… tEa, feR sOMe lADy.” Demo replies, not wanting to waste a whole lot of time here.
The bakery woman comes over for a closer inspection.
“You look like you were having a wild party with that sombrero.” She comments. “And you smell like alcohol. Did you just come here after a super fun cider party? You look a little wibbly-wobbly. Maybe you should sit down for a minute and have something sweet. Cupcakes always make me feel better.”
“JuST gO gEt me sOMe bLoODy tEA!” Demo interrupts before she could direct him to a table.
“You sure you don’t want some coffee to go with that? Because I’ve got all kinds! There’s espresso, cappuccino, macchiato, mocha, americano… ooh, how about caramel macchiato with extra whipped cream?”
“NAh!”
“You said the tea was for another lady. Who is it? Is she pretty?”
“HoW sHOuld I kNoW? I hAven’T goT hEr nAme.”
“Don’t worry. No matter how anonymous this friend of yours is, I’ll have some tea ready for them in lickity-split! What kind of tea would your friend like?”
“ScOtTiSh BReAkfAst tEa.”
“I’m sorry, but we don’t sell Scottish Breakfast tea. I don’t know what it is. Sound like a great beverage to start your day. Maybe you can teach me how to make some one day.”
“WeLl, I lIKe mE teA liKE I LiKE me wOmEN: sTrOnG n’ bLAcK.”
“That sounds a lot like bold black tea. Is that what you want?”
“AyE!”
“Cool! I’ll be right back, so have a seat.”
The bakery lady runs back into the kitchen as Demo just falls face first onto a nearby chair, miraculously not breaking it. After ten minutes, she comes back to the desk with a cup of tea.
“Here’s your friend’s tea. That will be ten bits.”
Danger Demo rises from his seat and stumbles to the front desk. He looks at the cup of tea for a couple of seconds and then back to the bakery lady.
“BiTs?” Demo asked.
“Yeah. You really aren’t from around here, huh?”
“Nah!”
Ah cripe! Demo thought in a panic.
“Well, bits look like gold coins, like this.” Pinkie takes a bit from the register and shows it to Danger Demo, making sure it’s a fair enough distance away so that he won’t steal it. “One of these equals one bit. You need ten of these. Do you have some?”
“Uuuuuuh… JuST a mINuTe.” He says before he runs out of the bakery and finds another woman sitting at a table right outside of a restaurant, with her wallet in her back pocket. Demo runs over to the pony woman and manages to sneak it out without her noticing and digs out ten gold coins (they were actually make out of lead with gold coating to look nice), which he assumes were the bits the bakery woman was referring to. He slips the woman’s wallet back into her back pocket and runs away with the ten bits back to Sugarcube Corner and hands them over to the bakery lady.
“WhAddyA tHINk abOuT tHiS?” He asks.
The bakery lady inspects the bits and then says, “Yep, that’s ten bits.”
“ThANks, lAD!” Danger Demo says before snatching the cup of tea and running away with it out of the bakery, making sure not to spill it.
“Thank you! Come again!” She says with a wave goodbye.
Danger Demo sticky jumps back to where he thinks the unicorn woman’s damaged car is at. He sees a tow truck hooking up the damaged Jaguar F-Type, with the unicorn woman sitting in a bench not too far from where the two vehicles are at. Demo can’t help but notice how advanced and complex the tow truck is compared to the ones he’s used to seeing. But he brushes that aside and drunkenly walks up to the bench the unicorn woman is at, with the cup of tea he thought she would like.
“Here’S yOuR tEA, lAsS.” Demo says, handing it to her.
“Thank you, darling.” She replied, taking the cup of tea and taking a sip of it. Her face instantly went from mild distress to surprise. Her eyes widened slightly as the strong flavor hits her palate.
“Oh my! This is certainly… a robust blend, isn’t it?” She comments with polite displeasure. “Not quite what I was expecting, but I guess one must appreciate the boldness. I guess I should’ve told you what kind of tea I wanted.”
“MaYBe yA sHouLD…” Demo replies. “JuST fOlloWIn’ oRdERs, lAss.”
“Next time when you got out shopping for tea for me, I prefer Earl Grey tea.”
“WhAT’s iN it fOR mE?” Demo asks.
“Well, I suppose you mentioned a blue base and a battlefield of some sort.”
“AYe.”
“Well, I’m afraid you’re at the wrong place, darling. I’m sorry, but from what I’ve seen, there is no ‘blue base’ or battlefield nearby. There are some museums of battlefields, though.”
“DaMmIt! WhERe aM I? WHeRe dId I tELePoRT to?”
“You’re in Ponyville. The town of friendship. This is a very popular town, particularly because me and a few of my closest friends live here. You were teleported here?”
“Ye.”
“Well, you’re in luck. One of my friends happens to be one of the smartest magic users in the country: Twilight Sparkle. She lives in the Golden Oak Library, which is basically a giant tree hollowed out and turned into a library. That’s easy to find, too. Come to think of it, all of our houses stand out from each other.”
“GoT iT, lASs! WhAt’S yEr nAMe, bY thE wAY?”
“Rarity.”
“YoU lOoK sO fINe n’ dAnDy fEr a uNiCoRn. HoW aBoUt wE go oUt—”
“I’m already dating somepony.”
“Awwww bLoOdy hEll!”
“But thanks for the compliment, mister Demoman… and the errands. Just sober up and don’t cause any more trouble on your journey. I really do hope you find what you’re looking for.”
Danger Demo stumbled away to find the Golden Oak Library, muttering vile obscenities in frustration, but it all comes off as drunk, incoherent mumbles. Rarity’s cell phone rings. She takes it out of her pocket and sees that it’s from Fluttershy’s phone. She accepts the call and places it up to her ear.
“Hello?” Rarity asked.
“Hey, Rarity. I just wanna know who did you send to deliver the dress?” Fluttershy asked kindly. “He seems to be having trouble walking straight.”
“Funny story, but this ruffian wearing a sombrero and a vest crashed into my car, and to repay the favor, I had him run errands for me. I assume he got your dress delivered without trouble, correct?”
“Yes, but what happened to your car sounds horrible!” Fluttershy says in worry, placing a hand to her chest to steady her heartbeat upon hearing the unlucky news. “That car was very expensive.”
“Definitely. I had to get it towed and repaired, so I was unable to bring it to you. That crazy flying man should be arrested at the very least, but they didn’t make me the Element of Generosity for nothing.”
“I hope you’re doing okay.”
“I’m just fine, darling. I just hope the bill to fix the car roof won’t be too expensive.”
Danger Demo wakes up with a splitting headache, and he assumes he’s been drinking again, though he expected something like this by now. The first thing he feels as he wakes up is a hard surface. He would soon realize that he’s on a bench. Right in front of him is a man dressed in a police officer’s uniform, the most notable feature being the light blue shirt and navy-blue dress tie.
“Sir, I’m gonna need you to get off the bench.” The officer orders. “Nap time’s over.”
“I had the strangest dream.” Demo muttered, thinking it was one of the BLU mercenaries. “I was drunk and I was in a land filled with pretty women with unicorn heads—”
Demo looks up and sees the police officer, whose body was grey and his head was in the shape of a pony. Since Demo can see more clearer now that he’s sober, he notices how large his eyes are and how small his snout is.
“It wasn’t a dream…” He mutters, before rubbing his brow as he sat up.
“How many drinks have you had?” The officer pony asked, unamused.
“I’ve lost count. What are ya doin’ here?”
“I just caught you passed out on the bench. This is for sitting, not sleeping.”
“The bloody fuck are ya gonna do? Write me a ticket for being black?” Demo snaps.
“That’s not what I’m here for—”
“Or maybe it’s because I’m homeless with nowhere else to go. I heard New York cops get a kick out of that.”
“Sir, I’m not here to write you a ticket or anything. I’m just asking you to move along. We’ve had complaints about ponies loitering in this area, and I need to ensure you’re not causing a disturbance.”
“Complaints about me? Well, I was just tryin’ to find me way to 2Fort, but it’s as if the place vanished. I just fell asleep here, hopin’ it was all a dream.”
“You’re not in 2Fort or New York, buddy. This is Ponyville.”
“This sounds like something Pyro would be entertained in.” Demo chuckled. “Pyroland, we’d call it. Since I really seem to be in a land of unicorns, what do you suggest I do, now?”
“Well, you’re clearly disoriented, so why don’t you come with me to the station? We can help you get your bearings and figure out what’s going on.”
“I get thrown in a prison cell for tryin’ to find me way home?”
“You’re not under arrest. We just wanna help you. Come on, let’s get you sorted out. Maybe we can figure out how you ended up here and find a way to get you back to where you belong.”
“Aye, fine. But I’m not enjoyin’ this one bit. I better not end up in community service for this.”
As Danger Demo follows the officer, he can’t help but grumble about his misadventures and hangover, but there’s a faint glimmer of hope as he begins to accept that perhaps this situation might be resolved with a bit of help. If only he can remember who can do that.
At the town’s police station, to add to Demo’s frustration, all of his weapons, including his two Persian Persuaders, the Tide Turner, Sticky Jumper, the Iron Bomber, and his twelve bottles of scrumpy had to be confiscated, since owning weapons is outlawed.
Though, he was compliant enough to answer questions the station had for him, such as where he came from (2Fort), how he got here, and how he obtained those explosives and weapons. When asked for his name, though, he just said Danger Demo. He doesn’t remember his real name, so they put “Danger Demo” as his legal name. They figured his mental and physical condition were fine, but since he doesn’t seem dangerous without his alcohol or weapons, at least for the time being, they decided to detain him temporarily while they figure out what else to do. Demo was placed in a holding cell, which only frustrated him even more. The station remained cautious given his unpredictable nature and his chaotic incident with Rarity.
They decided to reach out to someone who knows how to deal with these types of anomalies better than anyone else. Twilight Sparkle was called in to arrive at the Ponyville Police Department, where Demo was being held at, to meet the notorious one-eyed Scottish man. Demo, still frustrated with previous encounters, sits on the bench inside, with his arms crossed, looking like he’d just accepted that the police (while certainly not racist, thank God) simply don’t know what else to do with him, and since he carries a bunch of weapons that will easily make the Wild Bunch look as pacifying and innocent as Sesame Street in comparison, they had to temporarily keep him locked in a holding cell until someone can step in and help him back home. Thankfully, his prayers have been answered.
Twilight approaches the holding cell the new interdimensional visitor sits in. She sees a black man sitting frustrated in the cell. The man was wearing a sombrero, what looks like a red track suit with hazard stripes along the seams of the sleeves and legs, combat boots, and a ballistic vest made from tires and other parts.
“So, you’re the one they call ‘Danger Demo’?” She asked. Demo looks up at her and sees her outfit, closely resembling that of a school uniform: a pair of black high heels, dark purple dress pants, and a white collared shirt under a pale purple vest. She has a curious but firm demeanor, suggesting that she doesn’t take these kinds of anomalies very lightly.
“Demo is short for Demoman. It’s me class name, but Danger Demo really stuck with me.”
“I’ve heard you’ve been causing a bit of trouble around town.”
“Trouble?” Demo snapped. “All I did was land on some arsehole’s car, and now I’m locked up like some common crook! I didn’t mean to cause no harm, lassie.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow in intrigue, but overall not appreciating his reckless behavior.
“You’re not from around here, are you? I’ve dealt with strange beings before, but you… you’re something else. Where exactly do you come from?”
“2Fort. I don’t think you know what it is, but basically, it’s me workplace, where I was hired to kill enemy mercenaries. It’s a long story, but I ain’t gonna sugarcoat it. That explains why I got all those explosives. I’ve been at this job for as long as I can remember. But now, I’m stuck in this pastel-colored nightmare with no way back.”
Twilight’s expression softens, turning into one of sympathetic concern. “I see. And you’ve been searching for Two Fort ever since you got here, haven’t you?”
Demo nods. “Aye! But no one here seems to know a damn thing about it. I’ve been wanderin’ around, askin’ every living creature I see, but all I got are confused looks and some trouble with the law.”
“Well, I may not know what or where Two Fort is, but I’ve dealt with dimensional rifts, time anomalies, and all sorts of strange things in my time here. If there’s a way to get you back, then it’d be rude of me to not lend a helping hand.”
“…Ya do that for me? Even after all the trouble I’ve caused?”
Twilight smiled kindly. “I’ve faced worse than a little damage to a car, believe me. And since you didn’t mean any harm by it, maybe you’re just lost, confused, and just a little bit drunk. I’ll see if I can help you find your way.”
“Thank ya, lassie. Ya don’t know what this means to me. Wait, isn’t there someone who does exactly that, with the whole dimensional stuff? I think her name is… Her name starts with a T… and… ends with a C, I think… Twigs Garfield, that’s her name.”
“You mean Twilight Sparkle?” The purple unicorn chuckles. “You’re looking at her.”
“Oh, is it really you? Well, then, someone clearly knew ya, and she said maybe you can help me get back to 2Fort.”
“I’ll go speak with the station for a second to see if I’m allowed to escort you out. I’ll be right back.”
“Don’t be too long. This bed ain’t built to be comfy.”
Twilight walks away from the holding cell. Five minutes later, she comes back with one of the officers, holding the cell key. He unlocks it and opens the cell door.
“Come on. Let’s get you out of here and see what we can figure out.” Twilight says as Demo walks out, feeling a sense of relief. “But you’ll need to promise me no more reckless incidents in town, right?”
“Aye, aye. I promise.” He responds. “I’ll behave as best as I can. Just point me in the right direction, and I’ll do what I need to do.”
“Let’s head to the library. I have a feeling we’ll need to do some research to understand what brought you here and how we can send you back.”
Demo follows her out of the station, feeling a strange sense of hope.
“Research, eh? I’ve never been much for books, but if it helps me find me way home, I’ll give it a shot. Just don’t expect me to know much of anything besides swingin’ a sword.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll handle the reading and complicated stuff. You just need to be ready to cooperate and share everything you know about where you’re from and what you’ve been through.”
“I think the cops have asked me those questions already.”
“I know. We just need to go over it in more detail, that’s all.”
“I can do that, then. If it means gettin’ back to the battlefield, I’ll tell ya everything.”
They both walk out of the police station and to a white, sleek 4-door sedan that seems to be lacking in a grille, exhaust pipes, or any chrome designs or bumpers. Once again, Demo, now sober, is wondering what kind of car he’s looking at.
“What kind of car is this?” He asks.
“It’s electric.” Twilight answers as she pauses before she gets into the driver’s seat. “They call it a Tesla. You’ve never seen one of these before?”
“Not in real life, no. I have no idea pure electricity would power a whole car. It’s like that fancy science fiction stuff Engineer would come up with. Now, what’s goin’ on with the handles on the door?”
Twilight walks over and pushes on the black shaved door handle and the handle tilts so that it could be pulled. She opens the passenger door for him.
“It’s for aerodynamics.” She replies.
Demo enters into the passenger seat and sits down. The exterior was just the beginning. The interior left Demo with even more questions. This looks like something the Jetsons would have. But it’s not shiny or overly futuristic and fancy. It’s very minimalist, with a central flat screen instead of radio dials and buttons.
Twilight gets in at the driver’s seat and with a simple press of a button, the car turns on. Demo expects the roar of an engine, but he doesn’t hear anything. He hears a fancy beep once the car turns on. The center flat screen lights up, displaying many options, including a radio and a display showing the vehicle and the surrounding objects it detects among many other features that Demo is not familiar with.
“This car is full of surprises.” Demo comments. “There’s no engine noises?”
“Nope. It’s electric, so it’s much quieter. Now, watch this.”
Twilight taps her finger on the lit center screen. She turns on the radio, and techno music starts playing.
“A bloody touch screen!? Like, you press your finger on it, and it plays music?? No buttons or dials required?”
“Nope.”
“What magic is this?? Next thing you’re gonna tell me is that this thing could fly, now! And what kind of music is this?”
“Electronic dance music.”
“Never heard of that before. Me pa and I used to listen to jazz growin’ up. I loved Louis Armstrong. He was pretty funny. The only ones who liked electronic music was Spy and Engineer.”
“They sound interesting. Maybe you can tell me more about them once we get to the library.”
Twilight drives for at least five more minutes before parking on the side of the road near the Golden Oak Library, next to some other cars that range from sleek and minimalist, like the one Twilight is driving, to aerodynamic and angular. They both get out and Demo looks at the other cars with curiosity.
“I feel like I’ve time travelled to the future or somethin’.” Demo comments as he and Twilight walked to the library. Twilight summons her keychain with her magic and with her telekinesis, inserts one of the keys into the keyhole of the front door and unlocks it. She opens the door and politely asks Demo to come inside, and he snaps out of his train of thought and looks at the library, and remembers how Rarity described it to be: a giant tree. There are windows on it where the rooms are, but overall, while the Golden Oak Library is certainly big enough to be a middle-class home, it didn’t look as big as he would’ve thought.
Demo walks in as he looks at the exterior of the house, making sure to watch where he was going this time as he entered the library. As expected, he sees bookshelves sorted by genre, with their own respective labels: fiction, non-fiction, science, and memoir.
Twilight closes the front door and locks it. She goes to a nearby oval table meant for reading books, but in this case, she’s here for an interview and maybe some tests.
“Have a seat, Demo.” Twilight. Says, drawing his attention from the interior to her sitting at the table.
“This place is cozy.” Demo comments as he sat on the chair closest to Twilight. “Not like the kind of libraries I’ve seen, where it’s either all dust and book nobody’s touched in centuries or stale, bland metal shelves and magazines.”
“Well, this library is well maintained. I always make sure to clean this table for anyone willing to buy a book or simply visit. Now, let’s focus on you. The police have already told me how you got here and what happened before you ended up here in Equestria, but I’ll need your confirmation. Any strange occurrences, unusual technology, or magic you’ve noticed?”
Demo scratches his head, leaning back in his chair.
“Strange occurrences, eh? Where do I begin? First, we were fightin’ on 2Fort as usual. Me and me team have been stationed there for weeks. We’ve been fightin’ against the BLU team. I work for the RED team. We’re mercenaries hired to kill enemy mercenaries. I just blow shit up, and I get paid for it. Again, I’m not gonna sugarcoat it, lass. It may sound outlandish to ya at first, but you’ll get used to the gunfire and explosions after a while. I find those distant noises quite peaceful. Got drunk one night, things didn’t go too well. I don’t remember much of what happened that day, because I think I blacked out. And the next day, I woke up and got drunk again for the battle. But then, Engineer goes and builds this teleporter, says it’s new, upgraded, and experimental. I’m not one to ask questions as long as it works, so I hopped in.”
Twilight nods, levitating a nearby pen and parchment with her telekinetic magic, taking notes. “And that’s when things went wrong?”
“Not immediately, no. I thought I was still in me own world or maybe I was just hallucinatin’. But there I was, talkin’ to unicorn women in yer town like it was the real deal.”
“Tell me. Why do you drink?”
“I tend to be very wild when I’ve had a bit of the ol’ sauce, ya know? I guess that’s why they kept me around… why Mann Co. kept me around.”
“My friend told me about her damaged car. She told me that someone fitting your description did it. Is that true?”
“The snow-white unicorn lady? Yeah, I think I’ve seen her. Can’t remember her name, though. She did remind me of Spy.”
“Her name is Rarity.”
“Aye, yes. Rarity. I think I tried hittin’ on her, but it didn’t go too well.”
Demo laughed at the memory. Twilight can’t help but give an amused smile at how he views that moment.
“I suggest you lay off the alcohol for a while, Demo.” She informs. "Though that did sound funny to you, you also could've hurt somebody."
“Aye, maybe I really do drink too much. But ya know what? It’s the only thing keepin’ me sane in this crazy world. Fascinatin' coincidence that you two happen to know each other.”
“How much of what you remembered was fogged by alcohol?”
“Not a whole lot of it. I tend to forget a lot of stuff, even when sober.”
“Well, if we’re going to figure out how to get you home, I’ll need every detail you can give me—about that teleporter and every quirk of it, every odd sensation when coming into contact with it, anything that might help me understand the magic or technology involved.”
Demo rubbed his chin as he tries to remember. “The teleporter is one of Engineer’s fancy gizmos. I don’t know the science of it or how it works, but there’s two spinnin’ thingies that teleport you from one spinnin’ thingy to the other. There’s an entrance and exit teleporter, that’s all I’m sayin’. You step on the entrance teleporter and after a couple seconds, it takes you to the exit. But the teleporter that sent me here was different. Well… the bloody thing was glowin’ purple. It usually glows red, like our team color. When I stepped on it, expectin’ to be teleported, I was lifted into the air and it felt like I was being electrocuted. There was just so many senses happening at the same time, and I was sure as hell scared. Not sure if it was the teleporter or just me nerves, but that’s what I felt.”
Twilight nods, scribbling more notes. “An electrocution sensation… That could mean a malfunction or some sort of energy distortion. Did anything happen to anyone else who used the teleporter before you?”
“Can’t say. I was the first to step on it after Engineer made that ‘upgrade’ to it. Engineer was always tinkerin’ with his toys. Thought nothin’ of it.”
“Alright, that gives me something to work with. But until I can fully study the magic, or technology, behind what brought you here, I think it’s best if we work on your well-being. You’ve been running around Ponyville without much direction.”
“Aye. And I got shoved into a jail cell for it. Damaged a car, I did, but no one’s ever locked me up for somethin’ like that before.”
“You’re in a different world now, with different rules. But I’ll help you get back on your feet, and maybe get some proper help for your… drinking habits.”
“I’ve survived on worse than booze. But thanks. I owe ya one. If ya help me get back home, I’ll be forever in your debt.”
Spike sat on his swivel chair on his PC, playing videogames, trying to ignore that he has unfinished homework to do and that he made a false promise that he’d get back to it after looking something up about a first-person shooter he’d been deeply interested in, when he heard an unfamiliar voice from downstairs. Curious, he instantly left whatever match he’s playing and logged out of his game, making sure to turn off and close his PC so that Twilight wouldn’t find out that he’s been slacking off when he shouldn’t. On his way to the stairs, he hears the conversation between Twilight and her new visitor.
“What’s wrong, lass?”
“Your blood… it’s almost entirely alcohol! How are you even alive?”
“I dunno. Guess that’s just another little quirk o’ mine. It’s probably been like that for years. I can’t remember. But it keeps me warm on cold nights and gets the job done.”
“But that’s scientifically impossible! You should be in a coma, not walking and talking like it’s nothing!”
“Sticky jumping isn’t scientifically possible neither, but guess what? I can do just that and not blow me legs off. Me blood’s pure alcohol and yet here I am, still kickin’ and drinkin’ fine. Don’t bother with all of your fancy tests, lass. Me and me boys are just built different.”
“This defies everything I know about biology. I need to study you more, but your alcohol blood can explain why you’ve been so erratic.”
Spike walks downstairs and sees a black man wearing a red jumpsuit, black asymmetric vest, a sombrero, and an eyepatch. The mysterious man sat next to Twilight with a needle attached to an IV bag, which is filled with dark, almost blackish-brown blood.
“But don’t be mistakin’ me for some crazy fool.” The man continued. “I may be weird, but there’s a method to me madness. And trust me, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone here. I just want to find me way back. Just be prepared when me solutions get a bit… uhh, what’s the word?”
“Unconventional?”
“Yes, that’s it… uh, I think.”
“And dangerous.”
“…I suppose so, if ya put it like that.”
“Twilight? Who is this guy?” Spike asked with confusion and cautious curiosity.
“Spike, you should be doing your homework.” Twilight replied, her voice turning to one with a stern strict tone, like an impatient teacher. “Are you done?”
It’s clear that she does not want to answer Spike’s question. Spike gets suspicious and asks another question.
“Not yet. I just heard a voice coming from downstairs. Why is he here?”
“I’m just running a blood test on him. Go finish your homework. We can talk about it later.”
“But—”
“Now.”
Frustration grew in Spike, but he gave a sigh and obeyed.
“Okay then.”
Spike walks back upstairs, and Demo turns back to Twilight.
“Who’s that?”
“My adoptive son, Spike.”
“Does he know that?”
“Yes.” Twilight answered quickly as she removed the needle from Demo’s arm and putting a band-aid on it to stop the bleeding. “It was hard for him to process it, but we talked it through. Don’t worry about him.”
“Alright, then.” Demo replied, not wanting to discuss it any further. “So, what now?”
“Well, Demo, there’s something unusual about your situation—your blood being ninety-nine percent alcohol isn’t normal, even by pony standards. But we still need more information.”
“Aye, I’ve had worse than just me blood. I’m doin’ just fine. But what’s next, lass?”
“I need to cross-reference some things about your, uh… condition, and check in with Zecora. She’s a zebra who specializes in potions and ancient magic. I figured there’s something more complex at play, and she’s usually more knowledgeable with this kind of stuff than I am. She might have insight on how to help you.”
“A zebra, eh? Never thought I’d be on the receiving end of some potions and more magic.”
“It’s not that far, but we’ll need to pass through Ponyville on the way to her hut in the Everfree Forest. Ready?”
“Ready for anythin'! What’s the Everfree Forest?”
“It’s a pretty untamed part of the country that almost nobody goes to except for when they really have to.”
“Ya think this is one of those situations?”
“Yes.”
“What about yer son?”
“He’s staying here and taking care of the library after he’s done with his homework. I think it’s for his own safety that we’d leave him here.”
“Aye, fair enough.”
Twilight walked up to the bottom of the stairs so her next message would be head more clearly by her assistant.
“Spike, me and my new visitor are going to the Everfree to see Zecora. I’ll need you to stay here and finish sorting the books when you’re done with your homework. I won’t be long, just keep an eye on things just in case.”
“Gotcha!” Spike replied from his room. “Stay safe out there.”
“Don’t ya need anythin’ before we go?” Demo asked.
“All we need is the car and a GPS, which I have on my phone.”
Twilight gets her car keys and walks to the front door and walks outside, gesturing Demo to follow her, and he does so.
“Yer bloody what?? What’s a GPS?” He asks as they walk down the sidewalk to Twilight’s car.
“It’s a global positioning system.” Twilight informs, finding Demo’s curiosity and lack of understanding of current technology amusing. “It tells you where you need to go. All you need to do is give it a destination, and it’ll tell you how to get there.”
“You unicorns have so much weird technology.”
“You keep mentioning some engineer and a spy once. Tell me more about them.”
“Engineer and Spy? Yeah, those are just their codenames. We do this out of habit. Like, fer example, I’m a Demoman. Our teams are divided into classes. We sometimes get nicknames if there’s somethin’ about us that gets everyone’s attention or if we stand out. My class is a Demoman, but everyone calls me Danger Demo because I’m very dangerous, especially when I’m drunk. I blow things up, Engineer builds stuff, and Spy is the sneaky guy. He can turn invisible with his fancy watch and a single backstab from him will kill ya.”
“What does Engineer build?”
“He builds dispensers, sentry guns, teleporters, and other machines. There’s more than one Engineer, on our team though. One of them has that ‘upgraded’ teleporter. The dumb bastard must’ve gotten the wrong upgrade.”
Twilight sees two approaching children on bicycles. They both see her with Demo and stop, getting off their bikes. She recognizes those two fillies: it’s Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo.
“Hey, Twilight!” Sweetie Belle calls.
“Whoa, is that guy new?” Scootaloo asked.
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo approach the black, one-eyed Scotsman, curious but cautious. Sweetie Belle’s expression is polite but inquisitive, while Scootaloo sizes Demo up with a more skeptical, almost rebellious gaze, her attire standing out. Sweetie Belle was wearing knee-length blue denim shorts, a magenta sweater, a white and green striped shirt, a heart-adorned bracelet on her left wrist, pastel-colored sneakers, and a hot pink headband to keep her swirly pale pink and purple hair back. Just like her sister, Rarity, she has a unicorn horn on her forehead.
Scootaloo’s outfit for the day contrasts sharply with Sweetie Belle’s, with her charcoal grey sweater, black shorts, fishnet stockings with torn holes purely for aesthetics, and black high-top sneakers. To add to her gothic outfit, she has ear piercings, black eye shadow, and black nail polish. Her purple hair is cut short and her small wings are allowed to poke through the sweater via two holes on the back of the sweater specifically tailored for pegasi like her.
“Are you a friend of Twilight?” Sweetie belle asked. "Is he the guy that smashed my sister's car?"
“Oh, this is Demo.” Twilight answered. “He’s not from around here. And yes, he smashed Rarity's car.”
"Rarity has been frustrated about it all day. However, I did not expect him to have a face like... that."
“Yeah, he looks… weird.” Scootaloo commented, not missing a beat. “You look like you just came back from a taco party.”
“Lass, you have no idea. Y’think I’m strange? Wait ‘till ya meet some of me teammates. I’ve fallen off more rooftops than I can count, and I lived to tell the tales! Got a drink?”
Scootaloo chuckled at his offer. Half of her didn’t want to take him seriously, but the other half really wanted to direct him to the tavern after seeing Twilight facepalm.
“No, Demo! No more drinks.” Twilight argues.
“He’s funny.” Sweetie giggles.
“Yeah, imagine how funny he’d be if he’s drunk.” Scootaloo adds. “I’m sure your friends are real ‘cool’, just like you with your… eye patch and weird clothes.”
“Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, we’re in the middle of something important, but Demo here might be staying in Ponyville for a bit while I help him figure things out.”
“Are you sure he’s not another one of those crazy villains or something?”
“I’ve blown up so many buildings ye can call me walking catastrophe! But villain? Nah, I’m just here tryin’ to find me way.”
“Come on, Demo.” Twilight’s direct order as she pulled Demo’s arm signaled that she does not want to continue this conversation any further. Sweetie and Scootaloo looked at each other with concern for why Twilight is acting in such a rush before mounting their bikes and cycling away as Twilight and Demo got in the Tesla and drove away.
As they drove, Twilight starts another conversation.
“So, you blow stuff up?” She asks.
“Aye. It’s me job. I was hired by Mann Co. to do that kind of stuff.”
“You said there is more than one Engineer. How was the other one?”
“He looks the same as the one that brought me here, but just fatter and lazier. I wasn’t the only Demoman there, either. There were plenty of Engineer copies and plenty copies of me. There’s a lot of us!”
Demo laughed at the thought of a hundred of himself charging into the battlefield.
“So, you’re clones?”
“Aye! It’s normal for us.”
“How do you guys clone yourselves?”
“How should I know? I didn’t build the machine.”
They continued to drive through Ponyville traffic and over a bridge to the outer edge of the Everfree Forest, where there are trees, but the environment isn’t that dangerous and lacking in any animals at all, much less hostile ones. They turn onto. Dirt road and come to a stop.
“We’ll go on foot from here.” Twilight says to Demo, who fell asleep during the 10-minute trip. She nudges him and he wakes up as if out of fear.
“Are we here?”
“Not yet. We’ll have to walk the rest of the way there.”
She turns the car off and they both exit. With a press of a button on a small remote, Twilight locks the doors. The car gives a brief beep of its horn, with the headlights and taillights blinking twice.
“What was that?” Demo asked.
“I locked the car so no one can break in and steal it.”
“Nice! I wish Engie would build a car like that. Let’s just hope we don’t get eaten by a bear on the way to Zeta’s hut.”
“It’s Zecora.”
“Oh, right.”
While Rarity was setting up a few dresses for the mannequins on display in her boutique, she glances at her car and is immediately reminded once more about the drunk that fell right on it. It’s been several hours and she still cannot seem forget that incident. Sweetie Belle seems scared of how she’ll handle that frustration, but Rarity is more concerned if Demo will come back and wreck something else of hers or even hurt or kill somepony. Once she was done with setting up the mannequins, she sighs at the thought of that drunk flying man, about to take a small break before continuing on one more dress when her phone on a nearby table starts ringing. She walks over and looks at the screen. It’s Pinkie Pie calling. She accepts the call and puts the phone up to her ear.
“Yes, darling?” Rarity says.
“Hi!" Pinkie replies with a smile. "Uh, what fell onto the roof of your car?”
Rarity sighs again, this time more frustrated. “It's some guy wearing a sombrero and a jumpsuit. What about him?”
“Well, that same day, he stumbled into my bakery while drunk and asked for some tea. He must’ve been partying very ferociously before he got here.” Pinkie giggled.
“It was for me. I sent him there.”
“Well, that explains that! He seems to be having lots of fun with how he travels around town. He was pretty funny, albeit impatient for his tea. He has this little dispenser thing that shoots these balls into the ground and then they blow up and send him flying into the air.”
“So, what is it, darling?”
“Is he with you?”
“No. I don’t know where he is, but I hope to Celestia that he’s not so destructive when he’s sober, too. Next time, he’ll learn some manners.”
“Oh, next time when he flies into your boutique, be sure to remind him that I’m setting up a ‘Welcome to Ponyville Even Though You’re a Little Bit Tipsy’ party. Everyone, including you and your sister, are invited.”
“Thanks, but I’m a little busy here. Also, I don’t think I would like to hang out with him when he’s drunk. Please no alcoholic beverages.”
Sweetie Belle, who was eating her lunch on the dining table the whole time, scoffs upon hearing Rarity’s hypocritical suggestion not to have alcohol wherever she’s going, remembering the multiple times she herself got drunk to cope with whatever issues she has and how emotional she can get when in that state. It’s not like Demo’s little accident was any worse compared to the destruction Rarity has done when she’s under the influence.
“Oki-doki-loki!” Pinkie agreed. “No alcohol. Just sodas, fruit punches, juices, and water for the party beverages.”
Rarity sees five stallions walk into her boutique via the front door—two earth ponies, two pegasi, and one unicorn. They don’t look happy to be there, and instead look fixated on Rarity, as if their next move is gonna be very ugly. Rarity seems to notice this, and keeps her guard up.
“I’ll be right there, Pinkie. Just make sure to teach that flying sombrero guy some manners.”
“Got it. Okay, I’ll let you work, now. Bye!”
Pinkie hangs up and Rarity turns her phone off and turns to the five stallions, giving a nervous smile.
“Good day, gentlecolts!” She greeted, keeping her tone light and her eyes sharp, subtly gauging their intentions. “Welcome to Carousel Boutique! What brings you all here today? Planning something fabulous, I hope? Come here to check out my latest gaming t-shirts? They’re all the rage today with online let’s plays and e-sports.”
“Nah. We came here for something else.” The earth pony says before getting out a pistol from his sweater pocket and aiming it at Rarity. Rarity’s once welcoming kindness instantly went to shock and horror.
“We want you to come with us. And bring your kid with you.” The other earth pony said once she notices Sweetie Belle, who looks up from her lunch and her face matched Rarity’s upon seeing the firearm aimed at her eldest sister.
“So, is there anything you can figure out to get him back home or maybe help him with his blood?” Twilight asked Zecora.
It has been half an hour of Zecora examining him like he’s a space alien to their world. To their credit, he is, but it’s getting on Demo’s nerves. It certainly doesn’t help that he once mistaken a potion for alcohol and almost drank it only for both Zecora and Twilight to stop him. After all, it has been quite a while since he drank or ate anything. But the only beverage he has on his mind was his precious scrumpy.
Zecora, wearing her usual dashiki dress that she made herself, using mostly linen, featuring bold geometric patterns inspired by various indigenous designs. She wore wooden and beaded necklaces, incorporating various symbols that Demo can’t recognize. Demo can’t tell if the darker grey symbols and accents on her arms and neck are tattoos or just part of her fur. Either way, it only added to her mystery.
If Demo thought Fluttershy was a hippy for living in a cottage decorated with many plants and flowers, giving off the impression that she is very fond of nature, then Zecora shows no worry when living in the harshest forest in Equestria, welcoming any visitors respectful enough to let her help them in any way she can, wearing tribalistic clothes during a time when nobody wears clothes like that anymore, and even her hut looks like something a witch would make.
The whole journey to the hut wasn’t too perilous. They just encountered a timberwolf and Demo managed to fend it off with help from Twilight, though Demo was going to kill it while Twilight just want to scare it off or incapacitate it. They were lucky to encounter only one of those timberwolves and avoid all the other hostile plants or animals along the way. But once they managed to reach Zecora’s hut, Demo spent the whole time there asking a lot of questions about Zecora and the place she lives in after informing them that he’s a human (he struggled to remember) as both she and Twilight do what they can to find anything potion-related to create something that can magically teleport him home, with Demo sometimes coming in to assist with anything only to disastrously fail. The hut is a stark contrast to the tech-filled town of Ponyville and still unlike his own vintage 1960s world.
“A creature of chaos in a world unknown. How he got here cannot be shown.” Zecora replied sadly. “His kind are not of my lore. Humans, I have not seen before.”
“So, yer tellin’ me there’s no potion or spell to get me out of this pastel nightmare?” Demo replies in disbelief. “Bloody hell! After all that trouble for this??”
“We’re sorry, Demo.” Twilight apologizes, sitting next to him. “Look, I’ll find you a place to stay until there’s any other way we can get you home, but as of right now, there’s nothing we can do.”
Demo sighs. “Alright. Looks like this is me new home, now. I’m sure I can get used to this.”
Just as Demo says that, Twilight’s phone rings in her pocket. She takes it out and finds out that it’s Applejack. She accepts the call and places the phone up to her ear.
“Yes, A.J.?”
“Twilight! We need ya right now!” Applejack says from the other side, sounding like she’s running. “Rarity and Sweetie Belle are kidnapped by changelings. We can’t catch them alone.”
“Where are you guys?”
“We just found them holed up in an old buildin’ outside of Ponyville. The police can’t help us here.”
“We’re on our way. Hang in there!” Twilight hangs up and gets up from her
“What now?” Demo asked.
“We got a new mission. Rarity needs saving, and you can help.”
“But how? I ain’t got no weapons on me.”
“We’ll figure something out. Thanks for trying to help, Zecora.” Twilight and Demo both rush out of the hut before Zecora can bust another rhyme goodbye, running through the Everfree Forest and finding Twilight’s car. They drive off back to Ponyville as fast as they can.
“So, how can I help ya with somethin’ like this?”
“You’re a pretty brave guy, even while fighting that timberwolf. That could come in handy for something like this.” Twilight answered as she drove. “Besides, Rarity will thank you for this and look past you damaging her car as long as you stay off the alcohol.”
“I cannot make any promises on that, lass. You’d have better luck findin’ out about Pyro’s real gender.”
“Demo, this is serious. We cannot afford to have another accident like that.”
“Alright. I’ll see what I can do without me weapons or scrumpy.”
With assistance from the GPS, Twilight drove to the only old building outside of Ponyville: an abandoned castle known as Fort Whitehoof, once used by Equestrian soldiers to guard the kingdom’s borders centuries ago. But once peace became Equestria’s number one priority and with their borders expanded beyond that fortress, it was abandoned. Now, it’s just a ghostly reminder of a more militaristic time in Equestria’s history.
The two see Applejack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie hiding behind a fallen pillar and stop a good distance away from the fortress so they won’t be seen.
Twilight and Demo exit the car and walk towards the four mares.
“What the bloody hell is goin’ on, ‘ere?” Demo asked.
“Is this the guy I met at my cottage earlier?” Fluttershy asked.
“Aye! Yes, it’s me.”
“Girls, this is Danger Demo.” Twilight introduces him for the third time. “A few of you may have met him before. Demo, these are my friends, Fluttershy, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash.”
“Why are you bringing him with you? Where have you been?” Rainbow asked.
“We’ve been trying to figure out how to get him back home. It seems one of his friends teleported him here. This guy… he somehow fought a timberwolf on the way.”
“What!?” They all said in unison
“Yeah, it’s a little hard to explain, but trust me. He’s a pretty good fighter. He messed that timberwolf really good.”
“He better be good at kickin’ ass.” Rainbow replies with doubt.
“Who kidnapped them?” Demo asked.
Twilight instantly recognizes their blue bug eyes lacking in any kindness and fixated on their target and their insect-like bodies glistening in the sunlight.
“Changelings.” Twilight informs.
“What are they?”
“They’re basically shapeshifting terrorists.” Rainbow summarizes in the only way she knows how.
“They sound like Spy, but worse. If only he were here. He knows everything about infiltratin’ bases.”
“Rainbow, any information about the Changelings while you were up there?”
“There’s one unicorn, two pegasi, and two earth ponies.” Rainbow replied. “Two of them are armed with pistols while the other two had switchblades. We cannot let them see us, or they’ll kill Rarity and Sweetie Belle.”
“Dammit…” Twilight cursed under her breath.
“And how am I supposed to beat the crap out of them if I’ll just get shot anyway?”
“Demo, we—”
“What good is a Demoman without his bloody bombs? Let me do what I do best!”
Twilight hesitates before saying, “No more drinking alcohol, got it?”
“Got it. I take back what I said earlier. This time, ya got me promise.”
“Don’t make me regret this. I’ll be right back.”
Twilight sprints to her car and drives away.
“Where’s she goin’?” Applejack asked, raising an eyebrow.
“She’s gonna go get his bombs or whatever.” Rainbow answers.
“Can we trust ya with those?” Applejack asked Demo.
“Aye! I’ve been usin’ those things for me whole life.” Demo responds. “Ye can trust me with this.”
“Why was she so hesitant about giving them to you?”
“He got drunk and smashed Rarity’s car.” Pinkie answered before Demo can say anything.
“It was just a bloody accident!” Demo explained.
“Demo, that ain’t cool.” Rainbow said.
“I know, I know.” Demo diffused. “So, what’s the plan?”
“We were originally gonna have Dashie and I create a distraction while Applejack and Twilight takes on the Changelings head on once we lure them outside. The rest of us take down the few Changelings that stayed so we can free Rarity and Sweetie Belle.” Pinkie explains. “But since you got bombs, you can replace Dashie.”
“Oh. Alright, fair enough.”
After waiting a few more minutes, Twilight returns with Demo’s Persian Persuader, Iron Bomber, Tide Turner, and Sticky Jumper.
“Here, take them. But be careful.” Twilight warns.
“Aye, now we’re talkin’!” Demo says with a grin as he equips his weapons. “Let’s send some Changelings straight to hell! I’ll be the distraction, aye?”
“That could work.” Twilight says in agreement. “Change of plans; Pinkie can join you, Demo. Applejack and Rainbow will take down the Changelings once we lure them out. Fluttershy and I can sneak behind the frontlines and untie Rarity and Sweetie Belle. I will use my magic to protect them.”
“Then it’s a plan!” Rainbow finalizes.
“Alright, everyone. Let’s go!”
The five ponies and Demo split up. Twilight and Fluttershy sneak into the fortress and evade the Changelings as best as they can. They see that each of the Changelings have now discarded their disguises, revealing what they really look like. The unicorn Changeling, which is the assumed leader of their group, has a horn riddled with holes as if it’s decayed from the inside out. The two Changelings with guns hidden in their pockets are pegasi, with their tattered and translucent wings poking through their sweaters. The unicorn is the only one wearing just a white t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers. Rarity and Sweetie Belle are both tied up with rope. Their mouths are covered in a layer of tape.
“You think we’re stupid?” The Changelingunicorn said to Sweetie Belle. “We know that all six of you will vaporize us in an instant. So, if one of you aren’t there for the job, then that magic won’t work.”
“Plus, we get to have a little fun with the seamstress.” The pegasus added in a flirtatious, putting a hand on Rarity’s thigh only for her to jerk away and return a scowl, like she’s about to rip him to shreds if he lays a finger on her or her sister again.
“Don’t worry, miss. He won’t bite.” The second pegasus laughs.
“We’re gonna have to let the queen decide what to do with them.” The unicorn ordered.
“She clearly doesn’t care. She wants all their magic. So, why should we care?”
“Hey, guys, listen. I hear something.” The earth pony Changeling warns, silencing the rest of the group, listening to the explosions from Demo and the party noises from Pinkie. “We got company.”
“One of you guys go check it out.” The unicorn orders.
An explosion was heard very close to the fortress.
“That’s it! We’re going out there and killing those bastards!” One of the earth pony Changelings said, whipping out his pistol. A few others join him and rush outside.
“They got bombs, for fuck’s sake!!” The unicorn warns. Only he and the second earth pony stayed and their hearts dropped when another explosion, followed by the screams of their comrades.
“Whoever hired you dumbasses should be executed!” The unicorn snapped.
Twilight and Fluttershy climb through open windows and the earth pony notices them. But as soon as he did, Twilight blasted him to a bloody mess with her magic. The unicorn Chageling got scared and picked up his radio, turning it on as he rushed for cover.
“Captain, requesting back—”
He bumped into Applejack, who glares at him, standing tall. She grabs him by his shirt and pulls him up to her eye level.
“Don’t ever come near me or my marefriend ever again!” She warned before punching him, knocking him out cold.
As FLuttershy unties Sweetie Belle and Rarity. Demo rushes in with his Persian Persuader, ready to kill any changelings left alive, only to find out that was the last of them.
“Aww! That was it!?”
“I reckon they’re all dead, Demo.” Applejack replies.
Fluttershy examines Rarity and Sweetie Belle for any injuries, but the most she’s found was a bruise on Rarity’s cheekbone. After that, the two got up and saw Demo, who chuckled nervously.
“Eh… about yer car, lass…”
“Well, I certainly didn’t expect that to… work.” Rarity got out, dusting herself off.
“That was kinda cool!”
“The blood and explosions, no. But we’re still alive. That’s all that matters. I never thought I’d say this, but thank you, Demo. I think this more than makes up for my damaged car.”
“It’s only because he wasn’t drunk this time and wasn’t flyin’ all over the place.” Applejack scoffed.
“Glad to help, lass! I really need a drink.”
“Ooh, I’ll get you some fruit punch!” Pinkie offers. “I’m throwing a ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party just for you!”
“After all the chaos I’ve been though, I could go for some time to relax.”
“Let’s go before more of them show up.” Rainbow warns. Everyone rushes out of the building.
It is now the next day at 2Fort. The RED team suffered a devastating loss when the BLU team captured their intelligence not once, but three times. No other Demoman was willing to help, since they’re preoccupied with other missions, so their best Demoman is gone, disrupting the functionality of the team. One particular Engineer is deeply regretting his decision.
“How the fuck are we gonna get Demo back?! Without him, we lost the battle today!” A RED Soldier shouted at the rest of his teammates in the intel room, clearly furious that Danger Demo is in another plain of existence.
“I’m sorry, sir. But he assaulted one of our teammates. He’s too dangerous.”
“You’re right. That’s why we have a plan.”
Just as he said that, a RED Spy came in wearing an assortment of four cosmetics instead of three, like how mercenaries traditionally wear them. He wears Bill’s Hat (colored An Air of Debonair), the Lurking Legionnaire, and the Upgrade. His robot eyes occasionally flicker green, suggesting something beyond just his cold, mission-focused demeanor of a machine.
N.E.M.E.S.I.S., short for Networked Enigmatic Mercenary of Espionage, Stealth, Intelligence, and Sabotage, is a mercenary with a human mind infused with an artificial intelligence computer programmed to get the job done by any means necessary. Mercy, remorse, or surrender is never in his programming. He’ll cause a 20-car pileup on the highway just to kill his target. He doesn’t care how much collateral damage or how many counts of vehicular manslaughter he commits. As long as he completes his mission, he considers them as “acceptable losses”.
Ever since he made a deal with Merasmus, he’s been practicing his magic abilities, preparing to kill his sworn enemy. But the recent loss of their one and only Demoman prompts him to get him back using the Engineer’s interdimensional teleporters. Not because they’re friends, but because N.E.M.E.S.I.S. needs him for the next mission.
“Him?” The Engineer asked.
“Yes. He’ll watch over Danger Demo.” The Soldier said before turning to N.E.M.E.S.I.S. “What is it, sir?”
“I need to know who sent our Demoman away.” He says sharply in his mildly distorted voice.
“This Engineer did it!” The Soldier pointed a the Widowmaker Engineer.
N.E.M.E.S.I.S.’s frown deepened. It’s impossible to tell if he’s angry or just disappointed, but he’s usually not so kind to those who interfere with the team’s missions.
“Come with me.” He ordered.
The Widowmaker Engineer quietly follows him out of the intel room and to the nearest resupply room, which nobody uses often, so it’s just referred to as Resupply Room 3.
“So, how does your new teleporter work?” N.E.M.E.S.I.S. asks.
“Magic. I just use my construction PDA and there it is.”
“Excellent. How did you get that magic?”
“I met Merasmus and we made a deal.”
“That crazy wizard? What deal was it?”
“I… it’s a…”
“What. Is. It.” N.E.M.E.S.I.S. demands.
“I had to sacrifice my teammate to get the magic.”
N.E.M.E.S.I.S. didn’t say anything until they enter Resupply Room 3. N.E.M.E.S.I.S. turns around, his eyes flickering green again.
“So, you killed your own teammates just to get rid of the best Demoman we have right now?”
“Y-yes. After assaultin’ a Heavy, we—”
“Place a teleporter here.” N.E.M.E.S.I.S. orders, now with a more aggressive commanding undertone to his words, signaling that he does not want to hear the Engineer’s “excuses”.
“Right away.” The Widowmaker Engineer runs to the resupply cabinet and gets some metal to build his entrance teleporter after selecting the magic teleporter on his construction PDA.
“Are you sure about this, NEMESIS?” The Widowmaker Engineer asked as he builds his teleporter.
“My decision is final, laborer.” N.E.M.E.S.I.S. sternly replies. “It won’t take forever. But whether or not we’ll be on time to execute our plan entirely depends on how long it will take for me to search for our Demoman and whether or not I’ll be able to return. If I’m lucky, the others won’t even know I’m gone.”
“I can only hope so. They still won’t be too happy about you gettin’ him back.”
“They’re going to have to deal with it.”
The Engineer finishes his teleporter, which activates, glowing purple.
“Do you know where is it going to send me?”
“I don’t know. But if you’re lookin’ for Demo, then I suggest using those new… abilities.”
“Wish me luck, then.”
N.E.M.E.S.I.S. steps onto the teleporter and he gets lifted into the air as he gets electrocuted by the magic. He screams in pain until he vanishes and the teleporter remains activated.
At Sugarcube Corner, various ponies come to Pinkie’s “Welcome to Ponyville” party to ask Demo even more questions, many of which he responded as best as he can.
“Why is your body like that?” Scootaloo asked, with a cup of fruit punch in her hand.
“What?”
“Why is your body brown?”
“It’s just the way I am.” Demo responded. “I’m black and I’m proud, but not everyone appreciates that. Bloody racists! We’ve fought so hard to gain our rights. Black people like me never got any rights before. Frontal lobotomy, those white pigs say? Well… maybe. But ya don’t need a full brain to swing a sword, do ye?”
Scootaloo laughs. “Yeah, I can relate to that. I was bullied because I can’t fly. All the other kids my age can do it no problem, but not me. I’m just a late flyer, my mom and dad say.”
“So, how do you like the fruit punch?” Pinkie asked Demo.
“I don’t like it. It tastes terrible!” He responds.
“Oh. Well, I suppose you can try the sodas.”
“Are they gonna taste any better?”
“It’s better than that alcohol.”
“I’m startin’ to miss it.”
As Pinkie and Demo tried various flavors of soda and fruit punch, the rest of the Mane 6 discussed about what to do with Demo now.
“Where will Danger Demo live, now?” Twilight asked the others. “The Golden Oak Library isn’t made for more than one resident. Applejack’s farm doesn’t have a guest room, and Sugarcube Corner already has five ponies living there, including Mister and Misses Cake, their children, and Pinkie.”
“And there is no way in Tartarus I’m letting that reckless drunk into my boutique.” Rarity adds. “If anyone is going to cause a ruckus and not get kicked out for it, it’s going to be me or Sweetie Belle.”
“I’ll take him.” Rainbow Dash offers.
“What?” Everyone else asked in unison.
“I was gonna say I would offer him a place to stay at my cottage.” Fluttershy chimed in. “This isn’t the first time I let someone in.”
“Yes, and that got you robbed.” Rarity replies.
“And she got a coltfriend!” Rainbow argued. “It ain’t all that bad.”
“But why your place, Rainbow?” Applejack asked as a man with glowing red eyes peeks through the window before vanishing.
“Are you kidding? This Demoman is kinda cool when he’s not shitfaced drunk. He just needs to control his alcoholism, that’s all.”
Twilight sighs. “Alright, fine. At least he won’t be an issue while I find a way to get him back home. Just make sure he doesn’t get his hands on that cider. I know how often you go to the tavern.”
“Alright, fine. I can manage that. Deal.”
“Good. If things go awry, just let any of us know.”
The door swings open, revealing a man in a military uniform and beret. All of his clothes are various tints of red.
“Demo!” The man calls in a mildly distorted voice. He recognizes his cosmetics: the Odius Albrero, the Mad Lad, and the Stunt Suit.
Demo looks up to him, not recognizing him at first, but after staring at him for a few seconds, he smiles.
“Wassup, lad!” He greets. N.E.M.E.S.I.S. looks unamused. “Fancy seein’ you ‘ere. How did you come all this way to see me?”
“I teleported here. I’m gonna need you to come with me, now. Your team needs you.”
“Here to get me home? Aye! Thanks.”
“Wait wait wait! The party has only just begun! Can we at least say goodbye?” Pinkie Pie asks the cybernetic Spy.
“There’s no time, young girl. We have to go.” N.E.M.E.S.I.S. replies sharply, tugging on Danger Demo’s arm, not stopping for once second.
“Sorry about him, lass. He’s always grumpy over everything. I guess I’ll see ya later, lassies! I hope to meet ya again soon! Thanks for the help, Twilight.”
The two got out of Sugarcube Corner as Danger Demo waves goodbye, with Twilight waving sheepishly. After a moment of silence, Pinkie and Scootaloo looked at each other and they both said: We should follow them.
“What?” Applejack asked, but before she can say anything else, Pinkie and Scootaloo ran out of the bakery.
“I’ll race ya!” Rainbow Dash said before she, too, ran out of the bakery after Pinkie and Scootaloo.
N.E.M.E.S.I.S. continues to tug Demo by the wrist, dodging traffic, jumping over obsacles, shoving other civilians over, and running to an open field of grass, where a glowing purple platform awaited, radiating with magic.
“Where do you think you’re going!?” Pinkie demanded.
“I’m goin’ home, lass!” Demo said with a smile.
“Pinkie promise me that you’ll come back!” Scootaloo says.
“I don’t know what it means, but yeah. I pinkie promise! See ya!”
N.E.M.E.S.I.S. continues to ignore the two, but gets visibly irritated at their persistent presuit.
“Cross your heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in your eye?” Pinkie said quickly.
“Uh, yeah! Whatever that was.”
The two men get consumed by electricity and purple magic and disappear along with the platform soon after.
“He better fulfill that pinkie promise.” Pinkie said through gritted teeth.
“It’s alright Pinkie. The party was fun, though.” Scootaloo comforted. If Demo left so early in the party, at least Scootaloo now has another excuse to spend more time away from her parents.
Two weeks later, Danger Demo and N.E.M.E.S.I.S. are sent to Turbine to fight against BLU after winning the next battle in 2Fort thanks to Demo. They, along with the same Heavy Demo beat the shit out of in 2Fort, had just managed to capture the control point, forcing BLU to fall back.
“Say, Demo. Where have you been all this time? NEMESIS seems to be very adamant in gettin’ ya.” A random RED Engineer asked.
“He was in a land filled with unicorn women.” N.E.M.E.S.I.S. answers before Demo could say anything. “End of story.”
“I’m gonna miss that unicorn land.” Demo adds. “I’ll be back there, one day. Maybe when I’m off from work, I revisit them.”
“Do you really like your job?” The Heavy asks in concern.
“Yeah. CP is probably the most thrillin’ part of the job.” Demo says, with the Heavy and N.E.M.E.S.I.S. looking at him with concern. A BLU Scout in the distance, while getting pummeled to death by a RED Soldier, screams at Demo in a desperate attempt to warn him.
“DEMOMAAAAAAAAAN! DEMOMAAAAAAAAN! DO NOT ABBREVIATE ‘CONTROL POINTS’! DEMOMAAAAAAAN!”
His pleads were cut off when his head was obliterated by the Soldier’s shovel blade being shoved into his skull.
