Multiverse: A comedy

by Redeject

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Rainbow Dash, Other, Comedy, Fluttershy, Random, Adventure, Pinkie Pie, Human, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2509

Two philosophers discuss the multiverse theory, and accidentally take the discussion too far.

Two adventurous philosophers go for a little ride through the multiverse while discussion the generic nature of a HiE fic, from one tiny theory: For any fiction, a ground universe is made, and from this ground universe parallel dimensions are birthed in infinite numbers from any change in a ground universe's canon...

This is my first fanfic, expect it to be utter crap. [Revised mere hours after submission, assuredly still utter crap, I promise]. Consider it as "sleep deprived need to write something instead of just papers, oh god the papers" filler story. I think this one might just break the no-meta humor rule, and I know it's bad, but that's half the fun! I think. Ah well. Aufer!

Published 2012-10-13 03:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-13 03:40:01 UTC

The chapter in which words are written

My story, my first adventure outside of our reality, began while I was sitting in a cafe, chatting with my best friend, and fellow Brony, James. The both of us are philosophers in our spare time, and recently we've started to discuss multiverse theory at length. Little did we know, one of our theories was about to be proven true. It stated:

"For any fiction, a ground universe is made, and from this ground universe parallel dimensions are birthed in infinite numbers from any change in a ground universe's canon."

Such a small theory, but yet it covers so much ground. This theory explains that anything is possible, any eventuality must happen, every good, every evil, every action can change the universe infinitely, causing the roots of the multiverse to grow. Our multiverse is a fickle place, and can be trespassed into with one simple thing: Write a story in which the multiverse doesn't function the way that it should for one dimension, and write yourself into it. This is the story of how James and I did just that, and to prevent certain very unpleasant eventualities in this universe, I recommend that you don't try it yourself. Multiverse travel is not as fun of an experience as it's cracked up to be, as we learned, although it does tell an interesting tale.

We did such a thing by accident, just as another starting point for another generic Human in Equestria, with a generic plot. Little did we know, we had accidentally unleashed every HiE cliche unto ourselves with our little collaboration. This is the story of our story.

Back to the cafe. James and I were talking, and decided to write a little collaboration piece, just a little one-shot with our normal OC, but with multiverse theory as a plot, just to see if Murphy's Laws were still working. Our conversation went a little like this:

"What do you mean, writing a story about the multiverse theory is dangerous? The multiverse has got to be more stable than that, I mean, c'mon, there's been thousands of years of stories! Someone's got to have touched on this before!"

"Damn it, Telford, we don't know how the multiverse even works! What happens if we do break reality, eh? Go on some sort of silly adventure in Equestria where we meet the mane 6 and Celestia who all decide to assist us in un-writing the story, which causes a paradox which requires us to go back to earth and write a story submitted as a generic HiE?" James stupidly stated

"Jesus, James, don't taunt the universe! Now it's damn near set in stone!" I said angrily

There's a reason why I am the one writing this one, not James. Turns out, he was absolutely right, aside from a few minor details. Now, after that's done, it's time to describe our adventures and stop the prattling. For now.

"What do you mean, we broke the fabric of time, space, and reality? Goddamn it! What did I say would happen!?" I said, angrily.

"How was I supposed to know that irony was actually a multiverse constant? C'mon, this is AWESOME, Telford! We're in Equestria!"

"You mean to say, James, that we're in the Everfree forest. The most dangerous place in Equestria. For Christ's sake! We have nothing to de...fend.. Alright, James, where did you just get that armor from?"

"Oh, this? I pulled it out of the halo multiverse. Figured they wouldn't miss it, considering we are authors and all."

"Stop breaking the fourth wall! We're inside the story now! I think I'll just stick with my normal clothes,James, considering I've got an incompetent in power armor defending us", I said irritably. "Alright, James, let's just get this over with, you accidentally scare Fluttershy, I get tackled by Rainbow Dash, who, by the way, is still the best pony, have Luna save us from being banished or incinerated by Celestia while Twilight has a revelation about how Celestia thinks and acts. Or we could be in a new universe sub-type entirely, which would be bad, no way to guess how things are going to go reliably."

"Christ, Telford, did you really put this much thought into this?"

"No, James, I just know this stuff because it's obvious from the show. As if there's really a bloody standard for these things. Just look around, we are ALL ALONE IN THE EVERFREE FOREST!" I shouted, noticing the whimpering behind me. "Goddamn it, James, I hate being right sometimes. OOMPH!" I grunted, getting hit in the back by a rainbow streak hard enough to bruise a few of my ribs when I hit the ground.

"Telford, you idiot, you taught me yourself to never tempt the universe! We just learned irony was a multiversal constant, for Christ's sake!"

"Oh, stop your jabbering and help me up, James, I blame you for this. And you're the one who's going to have to explain things to the ponies while I pass out and get patched up in the hospital where you will make friends with the ponies so we can have a more dramatic, emotional exit from this universe." I said, passing out.

"DAMN IT TELFORD!" James shouted. Fluttershy and Dash looking very confused, as if they weren't expecting dimensional travelers who seemed to be able to predict the future.

"Uh...Mister...does your friend need help?" mumbled Fluttershy.

"Yes, Telford needs help, the bumbling oaf, could you bring him to the hospital? And Rainbow Dash, you are forgiven for hurting him, by the way, since you thought that you were just protecting your friend. And you broke universal code 23, you should be trying to attack me right now. Atypical. I need to have a chat with Twilight, if you will, and according to the note Telford passed me before he passed out, I need to straighten my clothing before Rarity shows up and remarks upon how I'm wearing unfashionable rags while she fits me for new clothing for three hours. Which I am not looking forward to." said James, rambling.

"Hey, buddy, what's the big deal? You come here, scare Fluttershy, don't make any sense, ask to see our friends who you shouldn't even know exist, and then just stop talking after a minute." said Rainbow Dash, angrily.

"Oh, that's because your friends are already here. That was fast. Situation 13, though, not good. Typically this is where I immediately get glo- GAH! IT BURNS!" screamed James, as he was suddenly glomped by an overzealous Pinkie Pie while the rest of the mane 6 facehoofed.

"Areyounewintownooohanewponywhoisn'taponythishasn'thappenedbeforeohyoumustbelikezecorashe'sreallynicebutherestofthetowndidn'treallylikeheran-" Pinkie said, in one breath, looking up at me angrily for writing how James stuffed his hand over Pinkie's mouth.

PINKAMENA DIANE PIE, I AM THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY, AND THIS TIME I HAVE THE CONTROL. THE FOURTH WALL IS REINFORCED THIS TIME, DON'T EVEN Try i...t. Damn it, Pinkie, how the hell did you break the author voice? Y'know what, I don't even want to goddamn know. Just...play along with the story, okay?

A few hours later, at Twilight's library, after a very uncomfortable fitting with Rarity (and an explanation of why humans wear clothing all the time, as per standard, to the embarrassment of all involved. Or should I say embareassment?), Twilight struck up a conversation that went something like this:
"So...You two broke the multiverse with the powers of creation, philosophy, and a little bit of luck, smashed into our world, predicted exactly how we would act, knew who we were, how we think, and where you were. I think I need to write to Celestia."

"Oh, c'mon, Twilight, don't be like that! Call Luna, at least, she's the best pony, and she would be better suited to dealing with it. Celestia is, as I've been given to understand, more likely to attempt to vaporize me for being a human than she is to give me a hug, with Luna vice-versa. That, and it's night, so Luna should be up right now. Let me just contact her." said James, looking up to the sky and uttering a silent prayer, including her pet-name and an inside joke to get her attention.

"THOU ART RUDE, INTRUDING IN OUR WORLD AN..." Luna said, changing her tone with a frantic gesture from Twilight, "...and making jokes about such things! Now who are you?"

"Ah, Princess Luna, the best pony! Er. I mean...Princess of the night, good to see you in the flesh! Or is the expression in the fur here? Hmm. Either way, Princess Luna, my friend Telford and I may have accidentally broken the multiverse and ended up here while writing a badly thought-out story on the generic nature of human in equestria fiction for both the educational value and testing the water for more works, and this, by the way, meets a generic HiE to a T." James said. "Unfortunately for me, my compatriot is still unconscious from being smashed into the ground and taking a nasty crack over the head by Rainbow Dash, so I am stuck here until he reveals more of the plot, because he is the one who studied this plot structure."
"Plot structure? What? What do you mean, human?" said Luna, attempting to view James's memories.
"The name's James, and it's a very, very long story that you would not like to hear. Trying to view my mind, by the way, would probably kill you, so I do not advise it. I've seen things, things that no pony could possibly imagine, even less actually see, that pertain to your dimension and your people. I do not advise it. Some of it is VERY bad. What the Nightmare did was sunshine and roses compared to what I've seen. I think I phrased this wrong, unfortunately, so you're going to try anyway. I warned you, I say." said James.
Princess Luna, quickly proving James right, attempted to view his mind and promptly passed out, twitching and drooling slightly, getting a face-palm from James, with the ponies looking appropriately shocked, considering how disturbing it would be to see one of the two most powerful beings of your home dimension post-seizure on the floor of a library.

It was, of course, at this time when Rainbow Dash flew in with Telford in tow. As soon as Rainbow saw Luna, she promptly smashed into James with enough force to comically break the wall out around him, although he was completely unharmed, other than being buried in a pile of books against the rear wall of the library, while I put on a wide grin and said "situation 43, eh? Warned you about that one. That means ending...Sixty seven? Not good for us, then, we just cracked the multiverse and it's healing itself, possibly sealing us inside. Very much not good for us. But hey, that means this story will never be written, so this will never have happened, so we're safe, eh old chap?" James merely walked up to me, punched me in the face, walked out, and was promptly bucked so hard that he was sent hurtling into the wall again, this time the wall decided to collapse, leaving him completely unharmed in an open windowframe, with his multi-tonne armor still on him, apparently forgotten.

A few hours later in Canterlot, Princess Celestia was irate with our stupidity, for first breaking her dimension's stability, followed by temporarily breaking the mind of her sister, and not being wise enough to just ask her to send us home, although she would have enjoyed baking us alive...As she contemplated doing some particularly painful things to us intrepid interlopers, in we walked, whistling a jolly little tune.

James, however, dropped the act and walked up to Celestia, smacked her in the face with his gauntlet, and said quietly at first but quickly coming to a crescendo, "You, Celestia, I have some words I would like to say to you. You say you care for your citizens more than anything else in the world, but you endanger them almost daily. You don't warn them about threats, your guards are incompetent, they worship you without thinking, they live in a land where they no longer need to progress to be happy or to get what they need, because your powers provide. You are crippling your own people. You nearly killed your own student by not acting fast enough. You should be ashamed of yourself, you pompous bastard. Even our idiotic leaders don't disallow our media from telling us things we need to know instead of relying on couriers because of one mistake five hundred years ago. Yes, I know about the fiasco with the media. Now do what you will with me, I surrender, I got what I wanted. THINK about it."
The room was quiet for a good minute, while Celestia was frozen in place, not sure what to do, nobody had ever acted like this to her, in thousands of years. And every word that James had spoken has been the truth, and although his gauntlet did not leave a mark, his words would leave a scar that would haunt her for a long while to come.

"I think, James and Telford, you two idiots are going home and fixing your mistake. Get the hay out of my dimension, and don't come back!" she said, her horn glowing as she vaporized the space around them as she transported it with them back to their Homeworld. The court looked on in mixed shock and confusion while she did this, having no idea what had just happened. To them, it seemed as if their benevolent ruler had just vaporized two innocents for insolence and for speaking the truth, and they quickly formed a riot mob trying to attack their apparently tainted princess.

"Well, James, that could have gone better. That ending wasn't even in the books, thanks to what you just did. Now we've got to write the damned story, or our adventure never happened. Which means that this conversation never happened, but since it did, wait...No. Down this path madness lies."
"Telford, you write the story, I'm out until next time. Just...publish this damned thing and be done with it."
"Fine, James, I'll go write the damned story, but I'm going to throw the audience for a loop first."
"We're outside the fourth wall, you can't break it from the outsid- Holy shit, you didn't just do that, did you? NOT AGAAAAAAAIN!"

My story, my first adventure outside of our reality, began while I was sitting in a cafe, chatting with my best friend, and fellow brony, James. The both of us are, in our spare time, philosophers, and recently we've started to discuss multiverse theory at length. Little did we know, one of our theories was about to be proven true. It stated:

For any fiction (No matter how stupid), a ground universe is made, and from this ground universe parallel dimensions are birthed in infinite numbers from any change in a ground universe's canon...