The Ghost of Princess Celestia
Twilight sits in the main area of the Golden Oak Library, reading a book with no cover, that has pages with no words, because the details of this book are not important whatsoever. As Twilight reads, the ambience of the world around her fills her ears and mind with pleasure. Spike's feet smacking against the floor, the birds outside her window chirping, and the click of a lighter coming from behind her, wait that's not right. Twilight turned around to investigate the source of this sound, and found her teacher and mentor, Princess Celestia, leaning against the wall of the Golden Oak library, poorly attempting to light the cigarette hanging out of her mouth.
"What's up book horse?" The Princess asked Twilight.
"Princess Celestia?" Twilight asked, "How did you get here? Why are you here without notice? Why are you smoking inside?"
"Not actually Princess Celestia, I'm just the ghost of Princess Celesita."
"But Princess Celestia isn't dead?"
"Yeah I know that, but this is a Bob Saget type situation, that didn't age too well actually he's actually dead now."
"Who's Bob Saget?"
"Not gonna tell you," The princess, or rather her ghost, took a puff of her now lit cigarette, "with how much of a nerd you are you should know that."
"Well frankly I don't think that sort of name calling is necessary."
"I don't care, you're nothing more or less than just a nerd."
"Well sometimes being a nerd is good!" Twilight protested, "I was able to make it into Princess Celestia's school for gifted foals!"
"Do you really not know how easy it is to get into that school?" The ghost asked, "Your friends back in Canterlot are some of the easiest ponies to fool I've ever seen."
"Why are you even here in the first place?"
"Oh yeah, I'm supposed to take you on some sort of ghost adventure or something, I don't know Astrid doesn't really know what she's doing."
Hey fuck you.
"Say what you want to me I'm just some words on your computer screen, anyway yeah I gotta take you on a ghost adventure."
"Does the ink I use leak noxious fumes or something what the hell is going on?
"Honestly I have no idea, anyway your floor's got a boner, because Astrid can't think of anything original and just needs to steal from other people."
Uncalled for. Anyway, Twilight turns around and finds that her floor in fact does have a boner.
"What?- Okay, what do you want me to do about it?"
"Don't you want the floor boner, or rather floorner, that's a shitty joke Astrid, don't you want it to go away?"
"Well yeah I guess so but don't they just go away after a while?"
"For a nerd you're really stupid, have you never had a boner before?!"
"No I've never had a boner before! I have no bone to er, wow you're right Astrid does suck at writing comedy."
"See I told you."
Shut up and get to the task at hand.
"Oh yeah, you gotta suck the floor boner."
"...WHAT!?"
"Look girl don't ask me it's just a part of this shitty story."
It's a reference to Asscastle by Cate Wurtz fuck off.
"I'm not sucking the floor boner that's stupid."
"Well you gotta to make the story progress somehow, so get sucking, this is so stupid oh my god."
Twilight walked over to the floorner, okay that is really stupid, Twilight walked over to the floor boner, and looked down at it, questioning her life choices up to this point. It didn't even look phallically or anything, it was just some sort of protrusion from the floor. Twilight laid down next to the protrusion, a-
"Do I really have to do this?"
Twilight please don't make me add the non-con tag this is already weird enough as it is.
"Alright fine, but you owe me."
Twilight laid down next to the protrusion, god why do I write these things, and she began to suck, really poorly.
"Wow," The ghost said, "You are shockingly bad at this."
"Be quiet I've never done this before."
"I could've guessed that, you're so bad the floor got turned off."
Twilight turned back around to find out that the floor boner was gone.
"Thank Celestia I don't have to do that anymore."
"Alright we're ready for our ghost adventure, take these." The ghost threw a ghost uniform and ghost badge at Twilight.
"And why do I need these?"
"So you can travel through the ghost world I guess, I don't know it's more shit Astrid stole from Asscatle I think."
"I mean that makes enough sense to me."
And with her shitty Asscastle reference/parody/idk ending, Twilight put on her ghost uniform and ghost badge, prepared for her ghost adventure with Ghost Celestia. The two stepped out of the Golden Oak library into Ghost Ponyville, which was just Ponyville, but there were ghosts in some places. Twilight had commit herself completely, an-
"Are you really going to make Car Seat Headrest references this whole time."
Twilight stop interrupting me I swear to god let me tell my damn story I am NOT talking to anyone I am typing this on my computer. Anyway yeah Ghostlestia and Twilight are going through Ghostquestria on a ghostventure.
"What are we even supposed to be doing on this ghost adventure anyway?"
"We gotta go to 7-Ghostleven and get me another pack of cigarettes."
"And how am I important to this?"
"I don't have any money."
"So you want me to buy you a pack of cigarettes from the aptly named 7-Ghostleven?"
"Yeah."
"Why do I have to be the main character of this stupid fucking story."
"Because otherwise you're completely worthless and just a huge nerd."
"What's your problem?"
"This is just how I'm written so Astrid can end this the same way Asscastle ended, with you just saying 'Maybe I'll kill myself' I think it's stupid but what are you gonna do? Oh by the way you should kill yourself."
"Oh, great."
And so they went, off to 7-Ghostleven to buy Ghostlestia a pack of cigarettes, only problem is that Twilight's never been to Ghostquestria, she doesn't know where a 7-Ghostleven is. How will Twilight buy Ghostlestia her cigarettes without knowing where the 7-Ghostleven is? Twilight felt the panic begin to set i-
"No I didn't."
SHUT THE FUCK UP, Twilight felt the panic begin to set in, how will she complete her ghost quest for Ghostlestia and get out of Ghostquestria without ghost knowing where the 7-Ghostleven is?
"There's one right there." Ghostlestia pointed towards a 7-Ghostleven no more that 12 feet away. With their largest problem behind them, they walked into the 7-Ghostleven and prepared to purchase a fresh ghostly pack of cigarettes.
"Welcome to 7-Ghostleven how can I help you?" the unidentified ghost behind the counter asked.
"I need a pack of cigarettes."
"That'll be two."
Twilight handed the ghost two bits. The ghost looked down at the two bits, absolutely befuddled.
"Do you think I'm stupid?"
"What?"
"I asked you if you think I'm fucking stupid."
"What do you mean?"
"We don't accept bits, only ghostcoin."
"What's ghostcoin?"
"Get out of my store."
"No I'm not getting out of your store."
"I'll call the ghost cops."
"I don't care if you call the ghost cops I'm not leaving until you give me the cigarettes."
Twilight finds herself in the holding cell of the ghost police station, Ghostlestia currently trying to negotiate with the guard to get her out.
"Please dude just let her out," Ghostlestia says to the officer in charge.
"Don't call me dude, it is officer or sir, and why should I let her out?"
"If you did it'd be pretty awesome."
Twilight and Ghostlestia lean against a wall in an alleyway, Ghostlestia smoking a cigarette from a freshly aquired pack she found on the ground of said alleyway.
"Sorry for causing you all that trouble I guess."
"I don't care anymore I'm just fucking tired."
"You're still a huge nerd by the way."
"Just send me home."
Twilight appears in her bed at the Golden Oak library, being stripped of her ghost uniform and ghost badge, as she stares out the window into the sky.
"..."
Twilight say the thing.
"Huh?"
Y'know how we were supposed to end the story, right?
"Oh, yeah, but I'll do it later, I'm tired as hell right now."
Twilight the story is ending now just say the fucking thing.
"Okay, fine."
"Maybe I'll kill myself"
