Anon gets a magic backpack
a magic backpack... YIPPIE
Anon was bored, for the past week, he has been stuck in Equestria with no way to go home, not that he minded, he had a good life here after all. Working at Sweet Apple Acres allowed him to earn Bits, and Twilight was kind enough to let Anon live with her, and the other elements of harmony were also nice. But, Anon missed his world, he missed human food, he missed television, he missed video games, he missed human snacks, but above all else, he missed meat.
To get away from the reminder of where he was, Anon went for a walk, it allowed him to get away from all the questions and quizzical looks he got, and to pretend, just for a moment, that Anon was home, just out on a normal walk.
As Anon walked, he spotted something behind a tree, as he walked around the tree, he found a backpack, much like the ones he used at school. He picked it up, put it on his back, and continued walking.
As Anon wandered around, he started thinking about how he never got to have a McRib, as he wondered what a McRib tastes like, the backpack gained weight, Anon took the backpack off and looked inside. There lay a box, labelled "McRib", Anon opened the box and saw a McRib, Anon took it out and bit into it.
Anon fell to the ground, he had never tasted anything so heavenly, it tasted better than anything he had ever eaten, Anon was pretty sure he orgasmed from the taste. Anon quickly stuffed the rest of it into his mouth. As he swallowed down the McRib, Anon thought about how some Coke would help wash it all down, a dull glow came from the backpack, and there sat a can of Coca-Cola. Anon picked it up and started drinking, looking at the backpack.
"So you're a magic backpack?" Anon thought, drinking the can. "I wonder what else you can do?"
It had been 4 hours since Anon had gone for a walk and Twilight was worried. As she followed Anon's footprints, Twilight heard an explosion and Anon's screams coming from the Everfree forest, she rushed off in the direction of the screams.
As Twilight rushed towards where the explosion came from, she entered a clearing, and what she saw stopped her dead in her tracks. Anon was busting a move in a different pair of pants, next to a large, weird chariot, with a strange box playing music sitting on the weird chariot, and a strange pack lying nearby.
"Just the two of us," Anon sang along with the music "In this classroom in the sky, crimes of passion are just fine, when enacted on A.I"
"Anon, What's going on?!" Twilight asked, causing Anon to jump and rush over to the boom box to turn it off.
"Jesus, don't scare me like that," Anon replied "I thought you were some fuckin wolf, or monster, or something."
"Anon, where have you been, what was that explosion, and what is that thing next to you?"
"1. I was out for a walk, 2. that explosion was the Freebrams, and 3. Are you talking about the backpack, the boom box, or the tank?" Anon replied, casually.
"All three, it's just-I just, uh" Twilight groaned, falling to the ground, stress and questions coursing through her early season 1 mind.
Anon, seeing Twilight on the ground, does what everybody does to check if someone on the ground is okay, and kicks her lightly in the stomach. hearing a groan coming from Twilight in response to the kick, Anon picks up the backpack and starts explaining. "This is a magic backpack, it creates whatever I think of, this," Anon walks over to the boom box, "is a boom box, it plays music and was made by the backpack, and this baby," Anon lovingly pats the tank. "is the M1 Abrams main battle tank, nicknamed the Freebrams, this was also made by the magic backpack."
"Anon," Twilight says, finally gaining enough strength to speak. "we have to hand these over to Princess Celestia."
Anon looked at Twilight like she had hit an orphan with a car before Twilight continued. "Anon, this type of magic is dangerous," Twilight looks down." what if it gets into the wrong hooves? Please Anon just give it to me." Twilight looks up, eyes big and pleading.
Anon and the tank, boom box, and backpack were gone, leaving behind track marks and destroyed trees, along with a letter lying on the ground where Anon was standing. Twilight picked the note up and started reading.
Dear Twilight,
succ my dic.
You will have to pry the backpack from my cold, dead hands, and even then, good luck, cause I would have glued it to my cold, dead hands.
sincerely,
Anon Anonymous
It has been two days since Anon had found the backpack, and the Equestrian military was marching to take it.
Anon stood on a hill, overlooking the soldiers Princess Celestia had gathered, Celestia herself in the front, clad in golden armour and standing at the bottom of the hill, shouting up at Anon. "Anon, surrender and hand over the backpack, and no harm will come to you, I promise!"
"It's over Celestia, I have the high ground!" Anon shouted back, igniting his lightsaber.
"And I have pegasus'," Celestia points to the sky, where hundreds of pegasus' await. "just surrender and hand over the backpack." Anon grins from ear to ear before breaking into a fit of laughter. "what's so funny?" The Princess inquired. "why are you laughing? What have you got planned Anon?"
"This," Anon replies, pulling out a walkie-talkie and putting it to his mouth. "Begin operation Steel crow!"
As the words left his lips, a great hum could be heard from the sky behind Anon, growing louder with each passing second. Anon looked up with a smirk from ear to ear, while Celestia looked up with a look of confusion, that quickly turned to terror as she saw what was making the noise.
Hundreds upon hundreds of Spitfires flew over, armed with machine guns chambering rubber bullets, air-to-air missiles loaded with glitter, and bombs containing nothing but smoke and rotten eggs. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!" Celestia yelled, looking up at Anon, terror in her eyes. Anon simply smirked down at her.
"I have become Anon, conqueror of worlds."
It had been a month since Lord Anon conquered Equestria and he was immensely bored, he wasn't bored of dealing with nobles and politics, no, the ex-princesses handled that. He wasn't bored of the food either, especially since he was able to get the recipe for the McRib and the Big Mac and give it to the castle chefs after a week in Ronald McDonalds fighting tournament, facing off against opponents like Grimace, Wendy, and The Colonel, no. He was bored because there was nopony to just, hang out with, everypony was either scared of him, a suck-up, or an assassin.
Then, while feasting on M&Ms and and watching 'The Nice Guys', he got an idea, revert Equestria to how it was when he found the backpack, and erase the memories of his conquest from everyponys mind, that was it. So anon raced off to the Everfree Forest, planning how he would undergo this near-impossible task.
It took 30 minutes to get everything ready, in reality, it only took a few seconds for the backpack to create a device to revert time and erase everyponys mind, what Anon had spent the 30 minutes doing was giving it a kickass paint job. It had everything, a unicorn galloping across a rainbow, a T-rex doing a kickflip on a skateboard while wearing those hats and glasses from the nineties, you know what I mean, and a man riding a velociraptor dual-wielding assault rifles with and explosions in the background.
"It's time to go back in tiimmee!" Anon sang, sounding like jack black, before smashing his palm on a big blue button. A great white light enveloped Anon's vision before everything went dark.
When Anon could see again, he was standing next to a tree with a backpack leaning against it, Anon checked his pockets and let out a sigh of relief when he pulled out the recipes for the McRib and the Big Mac, before walking back to Ponyville.
Author's Note
Hope you all enjoyed the chaos and comedy of my first story.
Criticism is welcomed