Penkeks
A Story by J.R.R. Tolkien
Adapted for Movie by Michael Bay
Soundtrack by Kurt Cobain’s Ghost
It was a beautiful day in Ponyville. The grass was shining, the sun was singing, and the birds were blowing, just as they should be. The only thing that shattered the wonderful silence was the hideous shrieking of someone having fun, like some sort of filthy casual.
Rainbow Dash, the offending fun-haver, soared through the sky, giggling with perverse glee. She even did a few backflips, just to show off like the massive cunt she is. “Man, everypony loves me!” she shouted to the skies, her lesbianish voice disrupting the fragile silence that everypony was trying so so so very hard to keep.
Lyra, a unicorn denizen of Ponyville, stared up at Rainbow Dash in extreme distaste as she flew by. “I hate that guy...”
As she flew by a little cafe, her voice carrying through it, all of the cream curdled, leaving the inhabitants very upset, bum rushing the cashier to create a makeshift cream out of his bone marrow. Nothing ruins a morning faster than an unwanted lesbian.
Rainbow Dash zoomed over the Ponyville Elementary playground, where the fillies and colts were all laughing. They, unlike pretty much everypony else, actually kinda-sorta-out-of-pity liked Rainbow Dash, although they were actually laughing at her, not with her. Rainbow Dash did a couple more swoops over the playground, her want for attention practically oozing from her supple skin orifices, and on the last one, accidentally picked up Pipsqueak, a tiny pinto foal from Trottingham.
“‘Ello, m’lady!” said Pipsqueak, who was one of the few ponies who actually liked Rainbow Dash. As he lay on her back, the wind blew the fedora right off his head. He didn’t mind though; Pipsqueak had always hoped to be Rainbow Dash’s friend, and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to become such.
“EWW! A BRITISH KID!” Rainbow Dash threw Pipsqueak off of her, where he landed in a very prickly thorn bush. This thorn bush was special, as it was the only thorn bush in Equestria that harbored the endangered British-Foal Molesting Spider. Isn’t nature fascinating?
Dashie sped through the air, glad to be free of the Brit, before remembering something extremely important. “Oh no! I forgot to brush my teeth!”
Opening her mouth, hoping the worst hadn’t come true, her eyes slithered from her sockets and hung directly above her maw, peeping into her rank face gash. Sadly, the damage was already too server: most of her teeth were gone, and the three that remained were whittled down former stubs of what they once were, and covered in a fuzzy green mold to boot.
Remember kids: brushing your teeth is important; even if you miss ONE time, your chompers will befall a similar fate to poor Rainbow ~~Cunt’s~~ Dash’s.
Not being able to look where she was going due to her eyes dangling in front of her mouth, she then slammed into a brick wall at full force.
Falling to the earth, Rainbow Dash’s ugly mug had been flattened into a surface smooth enough to figure skate on. At least her eyes had been shoved back into their sockets; it was starting to get gross with them just hanging out like that, like two testes who had lost their scrote.
Pinkie Pie, who had been erecting such walls around town as part of a program keep her off the streets and outta trouble, saw the perfect opportunity to do something she always wanted. Slowly, she leaned into Dashie’s face, getting closer and closer to the lips of the cyan pegasus...
... and she pulled out a permanent marker and drew a penis on her forehead. Pinkie Pie giggled, and Rainbow Dash slowly awoke upon feel the felty, orgasm-inducing touch of the pen.
“Huh? Whas goin’ on?”
“OOH! Dashie, you’re awake!”
“Why do I feel so... two dimensional?” Dashie mumbled, feeling her flat face with her fetlocks. Deciding that was entirely too cumbersome, she moved on to her hooves, which explored the flat surface very much like early explorers exploring the flat earth, right before Galileo invented the bike pump and made the world round by inflating it.
“You flew into a wall I built, silly!”
Rainbow Dash looked at Pinkie Pie will a very stern, if somewhat flat, look. “Why were you building brick walls?”
“It’s part of a program to put an end to your tomfoolery! The cafe is running out of ponies that will take the cashier job. Now come along! Your flatty face looks like it could use some food so it can become a fatty face!” Pinkie Pie giggled.
Dashie, who was suffering from a very bad concussion, and possible brain damage, did not object to this. Pinkie Pie took her injured friend to Sugarcube Corner, and set her down in a chair. Rainbow Dash’s brainpower was slowly turning back on, the rusty gears in her mind clearing out the cobwebs and beginning to creak.
“Just wait right there, Dashie! I’ll whip you up something good!”
Rainbow Dash stared at the tablecloth, drooling slightly as Pinkie Pie bustled around in the kitchen. In a few moments, Pinkie placed a single small pancake onto Dashie’s plate.
“Here you go!” Pinkie said happily.
“Pinkie, this pancake is smaller than Spike’s dick,” Rainbow Dash said, irked. “And that’s fucking tiny.”
“Spike’s micropenis aside, I think you’ll really enjoy this!”
Rainbow Dash sighed, and leaned down, opening her mouth to receive the pancake. Her tongue extended, wrapping itself around the breakfast morsel and squeezing the life from it. Rainbow’s mouth anaconda then retracted, bringing the pancake inside of her gullet.
Once the feast had been deposited into her abdominal food sack for later digestion, Dashie began to feel her whole body fill with a heaviness, as if somepony had taken a hose and stuffed it up her pooper, syphoning lead right into her.
“P-Pinkie, what did you...”
She fell sideways into the floor, the impact on the side of her head causing her face to pop back into its normal dimensions.
Rainbow Dash awoke strapped to a table. Looking around, she saw that Pinkie Pie was standing over her. Which was really weird, seeing as there was no light whatsoever to be able to see things with.
“Hello, Dashie...”
Rainbow Dash stared at the pink party pony. “Huh? What’s going on?”
Pinkie Pie giggled cheerfully. “Don’t you know, silly?” Pinkie Pie turned on a very creepy, flicking bulb that hung by a thin wire from the ceiling. It illuminated the room, which turned out just to be the basement of Sugarcube Corner. A lot of posters illustrating crunkcore and nu metal bands were plastered all over the wall, and sacks of flour and sugar were stacked all to one side.
“Is that safe? I don’t think that’s safe.” Rainbow Dash’s voice cracked sexfully, and nodding up at the light bulb. Pinkie felt a shiver go through her manliness and Rainbow’s voice crack rended her paper-think eardrums.
“Of course it’s safe, you silly filly!” Pinkie Pie giggled.
“Why have you brought me down here? What’s going on, Pinkie?” Rainbow Dash struggled against the many binding gothic-fishnet stockings that she was tied to the chair with.
“Oh, that’s easy! I wanted you to be able to eat in a place with more ambience...”
Pinkie Pie hit a nearby record player with a hoof, and a swing rendition of “Crawling” began to play.
“Oh hey! Now I say! Craw-aw-aw-AWWW-lin’! In my skin! These wou-oo-oonds! That will noooot... heal!”
Rainbow Dash cocked an eyebrow at Pinkie Pie. “I-Is... is this it? Is this all that’s going on here?”
Pinkie Pie nodded, depositing a large plate of flapjacks before Rainbow. “Eat up!”
Rainbow Dash leaned forward, now noticing that she could move with little difficulty. Fishnet stockings aren’t exactly known for their tying capabilities.
Sticking her muzzle into the pancakes, Rainbow Dash noticed that they were replete with syrup. Syrup, being her fourth most favorite thing in the word, beat out only by Krusty Kunt Flakes Brand Cereal, her bedroom mirror, and herself, Dashie began to lap at the syrup with her long, prehensile tongue.
“Mm! Pinkie, this syrup is awesome!”
“Well, it should be,” Pinkie said whilst applying fake wrist scars she got from Hot Topic to her fetlocks. “I made it with my vaginal secretions!”
Rainbow Dash paused in her gorging, looking down at the pancakes with an expression frozen in shock. The gleamed innocently in the flickering light bulb-light.
Dashie slowly lowered her mouth back to the pancakes, and began to feast again, making sure to lick up as much of the syrup as she could.
And so, Dashie continued to live in her sinful, lesbian ways, Pinkie Pie continued to be a edgelord, and Pipsqueak stayed trapped in the British-Foal Molesting Spider’s web for the rest of his long, tortured life. Nopony even thought about looking for him, because he was British.
Fuck Britain.
