Princess Cadance Must Die.

by Nugget27

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, Violence, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Changelings, Original Character, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis
Length: 3738

A changeling goes to Canterlot to help 'spread love'

A changeling named Tote Él Ponei was stationed in Baltimare, as the mayor. He gets invited to the wedding of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and Shining Armor by Princess Luna.

Written for the Dumb as Doornails Competition.

Published 2024-08-24 08:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-08-24 08:10:01 UTC

What Do You Mean She's Not a Pinata?

Sitting outside the train station of Baltimare was a very special pony… changeling. Well, I am a pony, Mom said I was. You see, that changeling is me. Queen Chrysalis told me that I’m a highly skilled changeling, it’s why she told me to go spy on a local school house full of very important ponies such as Ms. Dinkly Berri. Now, however, she was calling every changeling to Canterlot because she wanted to give everypony and everyling lots and lots of love. You see, I have been living in Baltimare for a while now, and I have learnt a few things about ponies. You must also know that I am the master of stealth. If somepony knew I was a changeling, I would be very shocked. After all, I had my trench coat and fedora.

Nopony would suspect a changeling in a trench coat and a fedora!

Also if they knew what I was I think I would be dead.

I had to act natural as I entered the train station. Everypony was looking at me, for some reason. I also had a lot of ponies following me, all of them were wearing uniforms. I don’t know why. I walked up to the small, built in the wall of the train station coffee shop. I need to be natural. Act naturally.

“Oh, Mayor Tote Él Ponei!” The cashier greeted me. “Are you going to the wedding happening in Canterlot? You announced that you were going to be attending, since you were a close friend of Princess Luna, and she wanted to attend the wedding with you as a plus one earlier this month!” Oh yeah, that blue alicorn. I forgot about her.

“Oh, uh, yes Cold Brew, thank you for asking. The usual, please.” This is where I always go to get coffee. I tried to get coffee from the coffee machine in the Town Hall, but it never made coffee; it just made hot water. Even after I put the coffee pot under the spout of the coffee machine, the stubborn thing didn’t want to make me a cup of coffee. So this is where I went. This is on the opposite side of Baltimare from my office where I can spy on Dinkly Berri. Darn you, Dinkly Berri for being so hard to find.

She apparently doesn’t exist anywhere in any public records. Odd. I wonder why that is. Surely this mare in question exists.

“Of course!” The mare behind the counter turned back to go make me that coffee.

“Mr. Tote,” one of the ponies following me. He had a badge and some really crappy armor and a guard uniform. “Are you sure it’s wise to travel to Canterlot without us? I heard there’s been a threat made on the Capital recently.”

“I’ll be fine,” I received the coffee, it was hot. It actually hurts to hold with my hooves, and even burns me if I had held it with my magic. So the first thing I did was shove the cup in my mouth. I swallowed it. My mouth is on fire and I am in severe pain and my throat hurts That’s when I remembered something. I forgot my railcard. Shoot. I don’t have my wallet on me! Why would I not expect to need money!

I can’t even pay for my coffee! I whistled and started chewing on the cup, making all the hot coffee spill into my mouth and down my throat. I was coughing and screaming… I was supposed to be sneaky while being in disguise and everyone was staring at me, with big, warm eyes that I keep seeing them stare at their young with. Y’know, the big, round, watery eyes that you get when ponies get when they see something cute?

Why were ponies looking at me like that?

I need to lose my guards so they can’t stop me from getting on the train, since boarding a train without a ticket isn’t very legal. It was really hard to do since I was still screaming. Since it’s not very legal, they can’t watch me do that. As the train pulled into the station, I snuck off after switching hats to a white fedora. Nopony will suspect a thing!

Now, I could just be let on the train for free, I am the mayor and the conductors wouldn’t mind. However, that wouldn’t be natural, or go according to the plan I was brewing in my head. My head doesn’t have anything in it. So instead I found that my private car was attached… So I walked up to it. How am I going to get in?

“Sir,” my guard asked. “Do you need a train ticket? You’re the mayor! You can just get on the train for free-”

They saw through the fedora change, so I put another fedora on top of that. Double the fedora, double the disguise!

I had been sitting for five minutes, and the train was pulling off. After some consideration, I looked to the side and noticed a public mailbox, the big, dumb blue ones ponies drop mail in since they don’t wanna go to a post office. I grabbed it with my teeth, and ripped it out of the ground. I threw it at a window on my private car, before walking onto the railing of the car. You see, it was at the very back of the train. I reached in my mouth and pulled out some keys and a card that said something about it being a train pass. I didn’t need it anymore since I got on the train, but now I did it legally, since I have my train pass! Woohoo! Nopony can arrest me now!

So I was in my train car now, but one of the windows was broken. My guard was sitting there, shaking his head, muttering something. I am very good at reading lips and he was saying something that probably wasn’t a very nice thing. You see, what my guard was saying might be very profound.

He was saying. “Every bucking time.” Repeatedly.

I looked down at the mailbox I had thrown in here, and looked at my nice, large train bed. I jammed myself into the mailbox and decided to take a nap.

I was let into Canterlot. I am in! Now, I just need to find that blue alicorn that likes sneaking into my room at night to cuddle with me. I need her to get into the castle and get super close to Princess Cadance so we can spread love. She’s the Princess of Food, so she can spread love if we hit her with a baseball bat, like this one thing that ponies hit, at this other thing at an event called a birthday party. I had to attend it for some idiot that was apparently the most important pony in Baltimare, something about a mare, but they spelled it wrong. The problem was I couldn’t see. I don’t have eyes anymore. As in I couldn’t get the mailbox off of my head.

I wasn’t getting anywhere. I kept bumping into something, and the sound of the metal that this mailbox was made out of, was breaking. Hopefully, metal’s really easy to break if you hit it with your head enough times. Thankfully, the mailbox was suddenly gone! I can see light! I can see the world!

“Tote? Is that you?” oh, hey, it’s Luna... Wow, she’s pretty. So this is what she looks like in broad daylight. I soon found the mailbox lifted off of my head. “There you are, Tote! Why was your head stuck in a mailbox?” She asked, walking to my side and draping a wing over my back.

“I forgot my train ticket.” I said. “And I needed to get on the train. I also forgot my wallet, and the train was taking off. So I found a way on the train.”

Luna looked at me with that one look she gave me on our first date. I don’t know what to classify going to dinner as a day on the calendar, but I won’t ask. “...You’re the mayor, couldn’t you have asked to be let on the train for free? Mayors can travel by rail freely.”

“I can?” I asked. I pulled the rail pass from out of my mouth again. “All I had was this and my keys.” We started walking out of the train station and out onto the streets.

Luna eyed what I had closely before giggling. It was my train pass, a sign that I still boarded the train legally. “Oh, you are so, so adorably stupid, and I love that.” She giggled again. It was very cute. Wait, what? “Come along now, I shall show you where you will be staying in the castle!” As we kept walking, she started talking. “So, why don’t you actually change yourself into a pony?” She asked. “You are a changeling, after all. So why don’t you? I know you’ve already had all the adoration that a changeling could possibly want, from all of Baltimare, after you became the mayor.”

“...I became the mayor? I was tasked with watching over a schoolhouse run by Dinkly Berri in Baltimare.” I hummed.

“That pony doesn’t exist!” Luna pointed out… Oh. Wait, I need to make something clear before I do anything.

“Wait, I’m a pony, not a changeling, Luna. We’ve been over this.” My friend simply shook her head, giggled again, and kissed me on the cheek. She is trying to kill me with love and I can feel it. It feels nice and I feel nice and warm after being kissed. I started hiccuping much to Luna’s amusement.

“I’ve literally slept with you a few times,” Luna said. That’s not mating, Luna. Get it right. “I know what you are. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. My sister wouldn’t approve of it, but she can’t tell me what to do, and I have been rather bored of pony lovers recently.” She led us up to the castle. “So why are you always in your natural form?”

“I’m disguised already,” I whispered. “Don’t tell anypony this, but my name isn’t Not El Ponei, it’s Stinky, and I am a bug horse,” I said.

“I know,” Luna then asked. “Why are you whispering?”

“Because the task is on the hoof,” I said. “Is to spread love across Equestria and the Hive of her Majesty Queen Chrysalis. The Princess of Love might make more love and make it spread throughout the land if I hit her with a baseball bat-”

I ended up in a prison cell. I just sat there, my disguise was gone and I felt naked. I was naked. I stared at Luna with betrayal written all over my face. I started pouting.

“Stinky, as much as I love you, I cannot not let you hit my niece over the head with a baseball bat. That may, at a minimum, knock her out. I cannot let you hit her as I do actually care about her. Now, I must go. I’m already pushing my sleep schedule by coming out to get you during the day. I have a kingdom to watch at night due to the threat made on Canterlot." I stared at her for a moment. I started crying. I want out. I want my Mommy. I started sniffling.

“Please let me out?” This is my chance. Luna cannot possibly-

“Stinky, while that is cute, I cannot have you kill my niece. She won’t make love spread throughout the kingdom if you beat her over the head with your prized, signed by the BA Lakers, baseball bat.” It was my prized possession, I kept it under my trench coat, at all times, for a reason.

She turned to a guard. “Watch him until I awaken. I shall let him out and introduce my sister to him later.” The guard saluted, before turning to me.

“What the buck are you?” He asked.

“I’m a pony from Baltimare, number zero, zero, seven. My name is Note El Ponei. Can you let me out?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“Pretty please?” I asked again.

“No.”

“Can you come close to the cage, I just want to tell you something.” The guard raised an eyebrow. “What? I can’t use magic, and I can’t do anything mean. I’m just your normal pony, hailing from the Bug Tribe!”

The guard rolled his eyes, before setting his gaze forward again. I just wanted to tell him that I’m scared of heights. I sat there, pondering on what I could do. I smacked my head against the bars, and it hurt, so they must need to be tenderized. But I do not have an inorganic thing to beat against the bars to soften them. That’s when I saw it, though. My salvation. The only inorganic thing I can possibly use to get myself out of here!

The toilet! Those aren’t usually screwed down!

I started smacking the toilet with my head again, since it was the hardest part on a changeling’s carapace. Eventually, I will dislodge the toilet from its plumbing. I might. It started cracking! I’ll be here in no time! I even smacked the toilet with a hammer. Somehow, it didn’t do anything. Luna gave me a nice pillow and bed despite throwing me in jail for wanting to beat her niece with a baseball bat so she can make love happen.

“What the buck are you doing?” My guard shouted, now noticing the toilet was, in fact, not attached to the floor anymore. In fact, it was broken. I stared at the toilet for a few minutes… Wow, toilets suck at not breaking. Well, I didn’t need the toilet to be whole to enact my plan. “Dude, your head’s dented. What the buck are you doing?” My guard started looking concerned. “I guess I can get a doctor to knock it back into place.” I grabbed a piece of the toilet and threw it at a specific bar, where it shattered even more upon hitting the bar. Now, it should be easier to break my face.

I ran face first into the bar. The last thing I heard was my guard sounding concerned for me.

I woke up to Luna standing over me, looking concerned.

“Oh my Moon! You’re awake!” Luna hugged me. “Thank the tides!” She hugged me harder. I was in bed. I was in a hospital bed. I was out of the prison cell. My head hurts.

“He has a concussion,” somepony in a white coat said. Oh, I hate those. Once, one stuck their hoof in my mouth because I was having indigestion, and they found a wrench in my throat.

“Blurgh,” I said. “What… Did my plan work?” I asked.

“What plan?”

“I threw a toilet at the cell door, and then threw myself at it to get out of jail. Did I break it?” I asked, sounding hopeful. Luna and the doctor looked at my tail for some reason. Then back at me. “Did I do it?”

Luna watched as her friend, with benefits, asked her a question. A genuine one about his plan, she assumed it was a plan to break out of prison, worked. He looked so genuinely excited in figuring out if it worked. To be frank, it didn’t. The problem was, that face. His tail was wagging and thumping the bed as he excitedly stared up at her. The smile on his face was enough to make the coldest of hearts become warm with love.

“yes.”

So I sat down in the main dining hall with Luna several minutes later, or hours. My pocket watch broke when I threw my head on a prison cell door and a broken toilet. I put on a new fedora, but my sunglasses broke after I broke the toilet with my face. Sitting across from me was a white, tall mare with a flowy mane, just like Luna’s. Apparently that’s Luna’s sister, which is really weird. I coulda swore there was only one alicorn, and that the alicorn had no siblings, but I could be wrong. After all, Luna thinks I’m a changeling, which is dumb.

Changelings don’t wear hats, they magic them onto their skulls.

“Luna,” Celestia started.

“Yes sister?” Luna asked.

“Why is a changeling wearing a bucking fedora sitting next to you, and why does it look like it smashed its face on something?”

“That is my new coltfriend, Tia.”

“...Why?” Celestia asked. “He looks retarded.” Oh. She’s not mad about me being a pony.

“I was bored of dating ponies-”

I trained for a moment just like this. Her Majesty once said if your position is compromised, do one of two things. Get a new position or commit homicide. I don’t know how to do either of those things, so what I did was carry a bag full of sand at all times. Seeing as Princess Celestia herself knows who I am, or what I am, I must ensure that she cannot figure out what I am. If I can’t see her, she can’t see me. If we cannot see each other, we will forget each other. Which is exactly why I have the sand. I threw some in Princess Celestia’s eyes, and then threw some in my own eyes. I heard Celestia scream and curse because there’s sand in her eyes. Before Luna could yell at me, and I ran into something. My vision was blurry, but I saw something pink. The color pink is ugly.

“WHY THE BUCK DOES YOUR COLTFRIEND CARRY MOTHERFUCKING SAND IN HIS MOUTH!?” Celestia screamed while the sounds of chairs and the table mixed in perfectly with her screams. It hurt my ears is basically what this all meant. “I WAS GOING TO ASK HIM HOW HE MET YOU!” I think Celestia likes me.

After the sun rose in the south, because Celestia’s eyes didn’t work very super good, and Luna successfully kept her sister from murdering me with cake, I was called in to attend something called a practice wedding. I was sitting there, listening to a bunch of birds singing some song, being led by a pegasus that looked like a shit tier pony. For some reason, nopony but me was wearing their suits and ties and dresses. The pony next to me, with a rainbow mane, was glaring at me the whole time. Probably because she’s not very cool. I mean, why wouldn’t everyone like me?

As the doors opened, a pink alicorn with a heart on her butt walked in. Oh. That’s the love pinata. How do I get to her? As she walked up the isle, her eyes fell upon me, wide-eyed. She also seemed to be giving me a stink eye as she approached the groom. Where are the dresses? Why would you practice getting married? Just… have the wedding. It’s not a school play, it’s getting ready for the process of procreating life, you stupid, stupid ponies.

I swear, y’all should just be like changelings, kidnap your mate, ask questions later. Have babies now, or die sad and alone.

So as I watched the Princess of Love walk across the floor, I noticed that she was just exuding hatred as she went, specifically towards me. That’s probably because she needs to be opened so that her love could spread across the kingdom, feeding changelings, making ponies make love, making griffins not kill each other over something… Making the stupid, pink maned, shitty pony SHUT UP! My thoughts were sadly interrupted.

A purple pony, a pony that wasn’t here before, walked in, looking angry and mean. “STOP!”

“Why is she so protective of her brother…?” Love Pinata asked. That’s when I stumbled out into the aisle and started walking up it as well. This won’t mean I’ll get married to the stallion, right? I may be a lot of things, but I don’t think I am gay yet. “Why are you trying to ruin my special-”

I started ignoring her, whatever drama was going on in her life was her problem. My problem is the severe lack of love that she’s producing. I snuck around the altar, and past Celestia who, during the commotion, tried to rub some sand out of her eyes, so she couldn’t see me. I pulled my baseball bat, from the BA Lakers, and got into position.

Right as Love Butt started crying and trying to slowly walk out, I pounced. I lunged across the altar, driving the baseball bat into the back of her head. At first she was confused, she slowly turned around while rubbing where I struck her head. Just in time for me to break her nose with the baseball bat. An audible snap was heard throughout the room, and she was enveloped in green… oh, that’s the Queen… So she’s capable of spreading love if I keep beating her? Better safe than sorry! I kept smacking her with the baseball bat until she slumped over, not quite dead, but not quite alive.

Still no love.

The Queen lied to me.

Why is the Queen here again?

“What the buck…?” Celestia asked as she walked over to me. “What happened to Cadance if that’s not her?”

“There’s a second Princess of Love?” I asked.

“On second thought, I should probably withhold trying to find Cadance. Mayor Tote Él Ponei, please just go to your room for now-” I smacked the Queen with my hooves for lying to me. She let out a pained groan and mumbled something.

“...What the actual fuck just hit me?” She asked as she slowly realized where she was. Her eyes fell back onto me. “Why aren’t you at your post in Baltimare?”

“You summoned everyling to Canterlot, for some reason, your Highness. Why aren’t you making love? I hit you enough times-”

Chrysalis threw up liquid love. IT WORKS! Why is it red?

Author's Note

This is by far the dumbest thing ever seen. As you can tell, I wrote this for a competition. Stinky the Changeling is a character I've already used before, but figured his stupid butt would work very well for this. I made attempts at jokes here, even if they sucked butt.