Weaseling Your Way Out of Legalized Murder

by Wanderer D

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Starlight Glimmer, Comedy, Random, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1636

Twilight has been in a mood lately, and after talking it over with Spike, Starlight Glimmer has an idea.

Twilight has been in a mood lately, and after talking it over with Spike, Starlight Glimmer has an idea. Or well, they had an idea, but only she could pull it off.

This was my entry for this year's Iron Author at EFNW. I have to give kudos to the judges who pushed through 55(!) stories in one evening! The prompts for this year will be included in the comments, so as to not ruin the surprise.

Also, this story has been cleaned up a lot. Cover art by Shaslan, which she threw together during the live reading of this story in front of a crowd of exceptional authors.

Published 2024-08-29 06:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2024-08-29 06:10:06 UTC

We just wanted you to smile!

The town of Weasleville hummed with life and the incessant scampering of a multitude of mustelids of all sizes. Ever since she had come here after being sent over to make friends by Princess Sable and helping defeat Nightmare Polecat, it had become Twilight Weasel's most beloved place… it was where she had met her closest friends; where she had fought her strongest enemies, and where she had become a princess herself, after all.

Life was great and good, and as her birthday approached, she couldn't help but feel like the weight of authority had driven a bit of distance between herself and the rest of the mustelids in town.

She had expressed this indirectly to her ~~pet~~ Rabbit Assistant, Spike, and the little guy had definitely looked worried for her. "Perhaps I should buy him some carrot cake and assure him that I'm fine. Wouldn't want him to do something crazy!" she mused.

She chuckled, shaking her head. Spike had grown a lot and it was unlikely that he would… her thoughts derailed when she noticed the oddly-colored horse waiting for her next to the cutie map.

There was something disturbingly familiar about said horse, but also the fact that, like herself, the horse had a horn, and it was trying to fidget with the Cutie Map for some reason. Since the horse hadn't noticed her, she studied the equine carefully, until her eyes settled on a familiar cutie mark on its flank.

It was then that the horse turned around, and their eyes met and things became awkward as the familiar-looking equine studied her with equal amounts of bafflement.

The purple, horned, winged weasel stared silently at the lighter-purple toned, almost pink-like horse with the horn standing across from her. Both made motions with their mouths, as if words refused to be wrenched out, and thus the silence stretched uncomfortably for almost two full minutes before Twilight forced herself to take a deep breath, then exhale slowly.

She locked eyes with the unicorn and gathered her wits. "Starlight Badger, why do you look like a horse?" she finally asked, eyes narrowed and nose twitching as she scrunched up her muzzle in annoyance. Starlight Badger had changed her ways long ago… at least long ago enough for Twilight to not immediately get suspicious upon a casual encounter. However! This was no mere encounter.

Starlight Badger was inexplicably a horned horse… a Unicorn was the correct term, if she remembered her fantasy books from when she was a mere kit correctly, and not only was the former-badger now a unicorn; she was suspiciously fidgety.

Fidgety enough to give Twilight reason to be wary at a time she would rather not be wary of mustelids close to her.

Quite honestly, she'd rather just be hunting her next meal than dealing with her former enemy-turned-quasi-student/something-something-friend. But, it was the duty of a Princess of the Mustelidae to deal with the shenanigans of her kingdom's denizens.

Just last week she had to break up a fight at the Sweet Geese Hunting Grounds because Grison Bloom's war-dance had gotten out of paw and an actual feud between the Geese-Hunter family and Sweetie-Cat because they had found Scoota-Marten secret stash while she was out.

Such was the role of those that governed over others and had to not only apply the law, but ensure that it was fair. The fact that she had claimed half of Scoota-Marten's stash of cornish hens as tax was just a bonus.

"Yes, well, you see… it's a funny story, Twilight, but um… how do I put this without being rude?" Starlight Badger muttered with a decidedly straight face. Or was it a long face? "Well, first, the name is Starlight Glimmer."

Twilight Weasel blinked and straightened up, studying the non-badger with a decidedly less friendly look. "Start explaining. Now."

"Well, you see, it--well, the funny thing… I mean, okay, so what happened—"

"Starlight!"

"Right! Right, sorry! Okay, so Spike and I—"

"Oh, gods. Let me sit down." Twilight had never heard an anecdote that started with the words "Spike and I" that didn't end up in some sort of law-breaking craziness that she would have to clean up for them.

As much as she loved her dear rabbit assistant, it was plenty hard to make sure he was not seen as a potential meal by everylid else, and seldom did he make it really worth it. But she loved him dearly and nothing beat an emergency meal that was willing to walk with you until you got hungry enough.

Twilight pushed aside the thoughts, settled down, and sighed. "Okay, go ahead."

"Um, yes… well, as you know, your birthday is coming up soon…"

Twilight almost narrowed her eyes further, but if she did that, she might as well just close them fully.

"...so, since Spike was telling me you've been depressed lately about how none of your original group of friends is immortal like you, we should do something to cheer you up!"

"Up until right now the mortality of my friends hadn't even crossed my mind. Thank you for that, Starlight. Now I have another existential crisis to deal with."

"Ah… okay, well, don't think about it too hard."

"Too late."

"Anyway! We thought we'd try to help you relax a little. You know, bring a smile to your face! The bounce back to your trot…um… whatever it is that weasels do! You know what I mean."

"No, I don't, but please continue. I can't wait for you to help me legalize murder."

Would it be an abuse of the power bestowed upon her as the ruler of Mustelidia? Probably.

Would it be justified? Definitely. Mayor Grison might have the gubernatorial powers over Weaselville, but Twilight had gubernatorial powers over the gubernatorial powers of any governor in the country. Possibly even the world! And Starlight Badger was making a very good case already for using her authority to authorize Royalty-approved murder.

Twilight was fairly certain most courts would agree with her.

With a grimace, she waved a paw for her friend to continue.

Starlight laughed nervously. "Um, yes, well! We remembered then that you had been rather fond of Fluttershy's ferrets--"

"You mean Ferretshy."

"No, Fluttershy… you know what? Ignore that too. It's fine! We're… we're all fine!"

"Right."

"So, Spike suggested that, if I could pull off the world-changing thing in the past, it would be hilariously endearing if our friends turned into ferrets."

This time Twilight did close her eyes. She also flinched. "I'm not supposed to be a Weasel, am I?" she said after five minutes of using her magic to turn a nearby table into a pebble via compression.

(A voice in her head told her that Trixie wouldn't appreciate having her favorite coffee table so abused, but chances were the Tayra would never realize the table was gone anyway, obsessed as she was with herself.)

"Well.. no. You're supposed to be an alicorn."

Twilight took a deep breath and contemplated murder. She could even hear her own voice in her head saying: "And that's when I shot her, your honor."

But she had to keep cool. For Weasleville's sake if nothing else.

"Okay," she said eventually, slowly releasing her breath as Princess Wardance had taught her. "But you can fix this, right?"

"Yes!" Starlight said all-too quickly. "Absolutely! For sure! No problem at all!"

"So what do you need from me then?"

"I'll need you to power the Cutie Map with as much um… weasel magic as you can safely muster. Then I'll cast my time travel spell and we'll be all back to normal!"

Twilight studied the horse. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. I've done it before."

"Wait, what?"

"The calculations! I've done them before."

Another deep breath, paw-extended motion, release of breath. "Okay. Let's try it your way. But if it doesn't work…. I will legalize murder."

Starlight nodded quickly.

Twilight Weasel closed her eyes and, trusting her long-faced friend, cast her spell. When she opened her eyes again, she was still a Weasel, and Starlight was gone.

-o-

"Starlight Platypus, why are you a horned horse?" Platy-Sparkle asked her former enemy-turned-quasi-student/something-something-friend.

Starlight seemed to ponder her answer carefully before giving her a sheepish smile. "I um… I botched a spell."

"Right." Twilight Platypus tapped the floor with the flat of her tail doubtfully, a threatening, clicking grumble escaping from her throat. "Are you sure that's all there is to it?"

"Unless you promise me that you will not legalize murder, yes. Yes it is."

Twilight Platypus didn't really like that answer at all. She chirped in annoyance, judging the guilty look on the mare. "I can't promise that."

"Then you know my answer." Starlight's grin seemed forced, but then again Twilight had never seen a horse smile before. "Oh, and happy Birthday Twilight."

"Thank you!" Twilight said, watching her friend stumble out of the castle with a haunted look on her face. She chuckled and glanced around, trying to glean a clue as to what Starlight had actually managed to do this time around.

Chances were it was time-travel-related again, since Starlight had mentioned her contingency plan of making murder legal for government-endorsed targets (only for a day!) but nothing really seemed amiss other than Starlight walked on hooves rather than paws now.

For now, it was not worth worrying about; she was hungry, so she was going out for a swim. She'd have time later to decide if she'd allow Starlight to weasel her way out of legalized murder.

The End

Author's Note

For whatever reason, my original Author's Notes were not saved. Sigh. Anyway, the prompts were: Weasel, Gubernatorial, and Smile. If you think the story covered all aspects of said prompts, please let me know!