"Yeah! C'mon, it'll be fun!"
A tiny rainbow maned filly dragged Gilda off the bleachers. Towards the court and the hoop, and the other ponies...
Gilda wrenched her talon away from the filly. "Wha- wait! I don-"
She pouted, "Aww! C'mon! We can't play without another pony, you can be on my team. We'll win for sure!"
It was dark.
Gilda wouldn't have had the nerve to try this during the day, standing around where anygriff could see her. She stood on the rough sandstone, courtesy of Griffinstone architecture. Her face was eternally locked, almost painfully so, in a neutral expression. The only thing out of the ordinary besides a griffon on the court at night was the aggressively orange ball nestled in her forelimb.
The ball shifted, and Gilda took a deep breath, almost imperceptibly shaky. She hefted the ball up, and coiled out in one fluid motion. Her back paws came up off the dust, and the ball went flying.
"You're crazy good at this!"
Gilda brushed the feathers on her shoulder, the spot where she shouldered the other little pony over beginning to ache.
The little rainbow maned pegasus was practically jumping around her in excitement. "What do you think about another game? Just me and you?"
"Just me an-" Gilda cut herself off.
She watched the ball bounce off the loop. There was no net, no chain, not even a backboard. There wasn't the kind of money in Griffonstone to invest in public works supplies that weren't centuries old.
The ball hit the ground nearby. It bounced a few times, and rolled past her.
She didn't move. Not at first, she had to banish the thoughts first, and the heat that rose to her cheeks when she caught herself talking to herself. Again. She was a griffon. Just put the ball in the hoop Gilda. It's not complicated.
"Haha! Got you again!" The pegasus jumped around, flexing her limbs in a congratulatory pose after beating Gilda.
Gilda internally steamed. She lost. Again. Griffons weren't supposed to lose, griffons were the best. She beat all those other ponies before. Why couldn't she beat this one little filly?
"Hey, what's wrong?" The pride turned to compassion.
Gilda flinched, the sensation of warmth was... wrong. Griffons weren't supposed to be all mushy feely. Except... It felt so good. She pushed out her wings, creating distance between the two of them. "I don't like this game anymore." She crossed her talons across her chest.
"Oh, well..." The pegasus filly smirked, "How about a race!" She pointed, "Up there and back?"
Gilda smiled. "You're on."
Gilda was staring at the ball.
In the dark, in the park, in Griffonstone, on Equis.
Even though it was true, it didn't feel like it. It felt like the ball was a million, trillion, undecillion miles away.
She snorted to herself, and sniffed hard just after. She reached forwards and picked it up, if someone was looking on from the outside, they would have seen her grab at it like a snake, like it would have lunged out and bit into her neck if she was any slower.
She snarled and threw the ball up towards the hoop again. It was a far more vicious throw, executed with far less grace or aim.
"Gilda! How'd it go?" The tiny little pegasus wasn't so tiny anymore.
Gilda wasn't so small anymore either. She preened under the attention. "I nailed it, the presentation, and the written portion."
"Cool!"
Gilda polished a talon against her chest, "Yeah, remember that corkscrew I was practicing? Well, the judges said that it was the best they'd ever seen."
"Cool!"
Gilda blinked once, and looked up at the pegasus. She was staring up off into the sky, watching a pair of the instructors teaching one of their classes to the older colts and fillies. Gilda felt warm again, only this time...
It felt bad.
She wandered up to the pegasus and flapped her on the shoulder, "Hey, Dash, how about a race?"
The pegasus turned to look at Gilda again, and the bad feeling went away. "Sure! Where to." She smirked, her wings spreading out and stretching themselves in preparation.
The ball luckily didn't sail over the hoop. It hit hard, and the reverberation of the poorly machined metal made a quiet thrumming noise that filled the night air. There wasn't anything to startle or disturb out here, at this time of night. Birds didn't come around Griffonstone anymore, there wasn't much to do or eat here; Gilda had only herself for company.
Her frown deepened as the ball hit the ground again, and bounced a few times before rolling past her.
She stomped up to it as it was moving and went to grab it again.
Halfway through, she froze.
The grimace on her face slowly melted away, and her talon came to rest on the ground again.
She took a measured, slow and deep breath.
Her face went back to painfully neutral; Gilda reached out again, and slowly, shakily, grabbed the ball as gently as she could. She curled it under her limb and walked back towards the center of the court. Far enough away from the hoop to feel like it would be an accomplishment if she got it in. When. When I get it in. She shifted again, took another breath and then sh-
Gilda adjusted her head feathers again, running her talon through them one more time. "Come on Gilda." She spoke to herself, flapping through the cloud systems.
"Just ask. It's not hard. Griffons take what they want."
She landed on the cloud closest to her destination. She hoped that the wind hadn't messed up her beak polish. She ran her talon through her head feathers again before shaking her talon and her head. She came out from around the cloud and saw her target talking to a tiny yellow pegasus.
She stopped cold. Her mind tried to figure out what to do now.
"Yo! Gilda!" The pegasus jumped from her spot, and started waving Gilda over.
Gilda mumbled to herself, and the warm feeling came back again. The bad one, the one that made her wings itch, the one that made her want to fly away. Except that was stupid, Griffons don't run. She walked right up to the two of them. "Hey Dash, I was wonde-"
"Yeah, hold that thought, Gilda, I want you to meet my new friend, Fluttershy." The pegasus presented the butter yellow pegasus. Who ran away immediately upon being the focus of Gilda.
Gilda felt like her ears were burning. "Dash, I-"
"Sorry about that Gilda. I know some ponies are like that, she's fine with griffons, she's just skittish."
Gilda tried again, "Dash-"
"Oh! Oh! Didja see my sonic rainboom! Wasn't it awesome!?"
The ball fell short.
It barely even flew.
Gilda blinked a tear from her eye as the warm feeling threatened to push out of her face.
She snarled and used her talon to basically punch herself in the face. The tears wouldn't come then. Don't be such a baby Gilda. She thought aggressively at the angry warm feeling. She stomped back over to the ball again, this time, she wasn't nearly as gentle. She scooped it up and walked back over to the center of the court.
"Stupid... Stupid rain- stupid... UGH" She threw the ball again. She didn't bother jumping. She just threw the ball at the pole. It hit, and bounced off, coming to a rolling stop nearby. Gilda didn't see it, she was too busy stomping and flapping her wings in a rage.
She was raging at the stupid warm feeling that wouldn't go away.
The feeling that she'd lost.
"I haven't!" She whisper shouted to herself, hissing, as to hopefully not attract attention. I get infinite chances, I'm not even playing against anygriff. Gilda shook her head, still snarling as she rushed over to the ball again and flapped her wings to get back to the center of the court. Just put the stupid ball in the hoop Gilda.
She adjusted her position, and worked out the kinks in her talons where the pain from punching solid sandstone was resting. Her wings fluttered unconsciously.
"Gah! Hold still!" She shouted over her shoulder. She clamped down, and her wings did as they were told.
She leapt, and the ball went sailing through the air again.
"Dash!" It was easy for Gilda to push through the crowd now, with as big as she'd gotten. Of course, the surrounding adults were a decent indicator of how big she really was.
"Dash!" She huffed
"Gilda?" The pegasus turned from her spot. She had the standard apparel, black hat with a tassel, black robe that loosely hung over her back. As the magenta gaze turned towards her, the warm feeling came back, and Gilda had to catch her breath again. "Gilda! Mare, where have you been? I haven't seen you all month!"
The smile and the excited gaze only served to make the warmth intensify.
"Hey Dash, happy graduation. I'm sorry I haven't been around." Gilda said, hopeful.
"Pssshhft. Don't worry about it." She waved a hoof, "Besides, you didn't miss anything, graduation was a breeze."
Gilda sent her a wry smile, and a fist to the shoulder, "I bet it was. For you."
"Ha! You bet, I did so well, they put me straight on the weather crew practice team." Dash spread her wings, taking a proud pose.
Gilda blinked, and the warm feeling dropped from her stomach and filled with something else. "What- what do you mean?"
"Uh-duh" She laughed, her smirk growing, "they fast tracked me through the final courses. I got a special test, and now I'm really a flight camp graduate." She pointed at her hat, "This cap's for real."
The empty angry sensation kept crawling up Gilda, it didn't hurt. Heavens how she wished it hurt, instead of what it did instead. "Wh- do you mean? You're not doing another year?"
"Nope! Thank goodness. I was getting real tired of this stuffy old place."
Gilda raised a talon. "Surely there's... I mean, it wasn't all bad was it?"
The pegasus flipped a hoof, "This place? Nah, I gave all I had, now I really get to strut my stuff!"
Gilda's talon lowered, and the viscous, empty angry feeling started pushing at her eyes.
"Hey, what's wrong?"
The feeling won. Her wings spread, "Sorry, Dash, I gotta go."
The ball hit the rim again.
Gilda desperately tried not to scream in frustration. She failed at keeping the tears back, and her wings flared as her limbs shook and her tail lashed behind her. GAAAAAA. STOP MISSING YOU STUPID BIRD. She screamed in her head, her talons dug into her feathers as she grabbed at her own limbs to stop herself from shaking in rage. From hitting anything else, other than herself.
A few feathers broke. Her grip was tight, but not tight enough to really hurt.
It didn't stop the tears, or her wings from flapping.
She eventually got herself under control by force of will. Her limbs still shook, but she forced herself over to where the ball had come to rest. She ignored the tears, just blinking them away when they obscured her vision, they weren't real if she didn't accept them.
It was just exertion, yeah, exertion. Working too hard. Gotta be more delicate, like threading a needle. She shifted in place and scooped up the ball again. She dragged herself back to the center of the court and observed the metal loop, the distance, the angle.
There had to be something she was doing wrong. Something she could fix. Something she could do.
There just had to be.
Her desperate, latching thoughts danced in opposition to her face. Tears streaming down, beak desperately trying to stay neutral as it clacked against itself.
"What do you mean you can't tell me!" Gilda slammed her talon down on the desk. Solid wood hurts.
The pink pegasus mare behind the desk frowned again, "I can't just disclose information on any of our students. If you're not her next of kin, o-"
Gilda snarled, "I'm her friend! Isn't that enough?"
The mare shook her head and glared. "I'm trying to explain that to you."
Gilda had a short vision of doing something very wrong. Something very bad. There were looks, ways ponies looked at her that made her a certain kind of angry. The way the mare said 'you' drew upon that, and Gilda's gaze darkened, her composure fleeting away to be replaced by a predator.
"Where. Did. You. Send. Her." Gilda said through a clenched beak.
The mare obviously noticed she'd touched a nerve, but instead of dialing it back, she smirked. "If you were so close to her, why didn't she tell you herself?"
Gilda dropped the ball.
She was stuck. Her mind felt like fire, as the thought came crashing into her.
She didn't want to believe that it just wasn't fair.
Gilda curled down, and her muscles refused. She was trapped in a desperate battle of control, emotion, and fight or flight instincts. Everything wanted to move, to do something, but nothing could. There was nothing to do.
It wasn't her fault. Except it was.
Gilda breathed in, and a glob of phlegm hit the back of her throat, enough that she coughed. That broke the trance she was in, she fell, and she cried. It only lasted for a moment before she slammed her fist into the sandstone again, and again, the pain twisting into rage. Rage at something, anything. She grit and tensed and fought to stand, and she leaned forwards and grabbed the ball with all her might.
She finally found Rainbow Dash again.
She finally had another chance, and this entire town sucked.
First, the pink pony kept interrupting her attempts to reconnect with Dash like all those stupid books said to do. Then, Rainbow disappears. Again. Then there's NOTHING to eat, nothing to do.
Gilda bumped into something and stepped back just a little. "Hey!" She shouted, as her vision came back to her and she spotted the butter ye-
Her eyes narrowed. "I'm walking here!" She shouted, her patience snapping. Her wings spread and the day all came crashing down around something to blame. Somepony, in this case; Rainbow's 'new friend' the mare that ran from her. The mare that was prettier than her, the mare that apparently saved the world with Rainbow Dash.
Gilda nearly stuttered in a rage, but the butter yellow pegasus started apologizing, giving Gilda something to latch onto.
So she mocked her, like so many ponies had mocked Gilda. "~I'm sorry-I'm sorry~" She took several unconscious steps forward. "Why don't you just WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!"
Even after making it horrendously clear that Gilda wanted the dumb pony out of her way, the pegasus mare was still babbling and standing in front of her.
Gilda took a deep breath and roared.
Something inside her twisted painfully as she watched the yellow pegasus stare on in terror. She started tearing up, and she ran away, Gilda saw the same look she'd seen in the mirror every day for just a split second. Her heart started telling her all kinds of things as she watched the mare disappear into the sky, and suddenly, she realized how many ponies were staring at her. She felt the angry warm feeling she'd tried to stow away desperately for years push up and out of her chest threateningly.
She tried to brush it off, force it down like she always did. "Ugh! Please." Gilda was tougher than that. She was tougher than some dumb pony who'd start balling in public. She was a griffon, she wasn't a cry baby. "All these lame ponies are driving me buggy."
But the words were hollow. The warm feeling didn't go away. The looks only made it worse.
"I gotta bail." She said as she ran away. Hoping no one saw her tearing up as she flew into the sky to hide.
There was a hissing noise, and Gilda's breathing hitched.
"No."
She tried to blink away the tears, but they just kept coming. She could barely see what was left of the ball, after she had sunk her talons into it.
"I'm sorry. I-" She choked on tears, "I didn't- I'm sorry. I'm sor-"
"No way!" Gilda had never fought so hard against the angry warmth before in her life. It felt like flight camp all over again. All of it. All at once. "I-I-it was Pinkie Pie! She set up this party to trip me up, to make a fool of me!"
It was obvious. None of these ponies liked her, none of them wanted her here, they all looked at her the way hatchlings looked at snakes, they were just here for the cake and juice; they were just all here to laugh at her.
Pinkie said something, but Gilda didn't care, her heart stopped when Rainbow advanced on her with a glare.
"You know, this isn't how I thought my old friend would treat my new friends. If being cool is all you care about, maybe you should find some new cool friends."
"Someplace else."
Gilda wasn't sorry. She grit her beak down so hard it hurt, her muscles powered against her skin and she forgot about all the painful memories and her lashing tail as she screamed.
"I CARED ABOUT YOU"
The talon gripping the ball slammed down into the sandstone, the orange rubber making a painful flopping noise.
"OLD FRIEND?!"
Her heart threatened to beat out of her chest as she clenched her eyes closed and swung with all of her might into the stone.
"YOU LEFT ME BEHIND!"
Her closed talon was digging into the base of her claw, the pointed tips cutting into the skin, even through what was left of the rubber ball.
"YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE ME!"
All semblance of order broke down. She let it all out.
"YOU NEVER EVEN CARED ABOUT ME! I WASN'T YOU FRIEND! YOU USED ME! I WAS JUST A FUN GRIFFON TO KEEP YOU ENTERTAINED!!!"
The energy left her body like a cup being placed over a candle.
She fell down into the dust she had kicked up and stopped crying. She stopped thrashing. She stopped screaming. She stopped everything. All she did was fall, and struggle to breath through the dust and her overflowing sinuses.
Gilda didn't keep track of how long she laid there. It didn't matter, in the end.
Gilda was sitting on the train.
Alone.
The word spun around in her head.
"Excuse me?"
Gilda didn't jump. She twisted and looked at a dressed pony in a button up.
"Yeah?" She said in a quiet voice. It felt so strange. Everything was on backwards, she felt like she was twisting herself around on strings.
"Do you have a ticket?" He said.
Gilda knew this guy. She'd already shown him her ticket. He punched it already. He was giving her that look.
"Yes." She reached down into her plumage and pulled out the ticket, the punched ticket, and held it out for him. She didn't have the energy to argue. She desperately wanted to, but the rage and the pain felt so far away for some reason.
"hmmph." He snorted, before turning and walking away. "You can never be too sure."
Gilda let the ticket fall from her talon and onto the seat. She turned towards the seat in front of her and stared off into space. She didn't know why she was going back to Griffonstone. It's not like there was anything there for her, that was the whole reason she went to flight camp to begin with, the whole reason she came to Equestria.
Gilda pulled the destroyed remnants of the ball to her chest.
She wrenched herself back into control of her own body, and curled around the ball. She cradled it.
"I'm sorry. Please... What... what did I do wrong?" She whispered to it. It was cold. She remembered hugs, and how warm they were. She remembered the warm sensation, the nice one, something so far away. Something she felt so long ago.
"What's wrong with me?" She tried to ask herself, but the words barely came out. Her throat was too hoarse from the screaming, it came more as just a string of exhales.
Rainbow Dash, apparently one of the best friends in the entire world.
It had to be Gilda's fault. She was a jerk, it was just all her fault. It had to be.
She reached up and stroked the top of the ball. Imagining a mane there. Imagining anything else there, anything to bring the warmth back. She'd even take the pain again if it meant doing away with the sickening, crawling, empty sensation sitting just behind her eyes.
"Stop it." She demanded.
She didn't care that she was talking to herself anymore. "Stop it Gilda."
It didn't matter that she was bawling again. "Just stop it. Grow up."
It didn't stop. She didn't suddenly grow up, and she knew deep down that it wouldn't have helped anyways.
"Just stop it. It doesn't matter."
Except it did matter. It mattered to her.
"She's just a dumb pony. They're all a bunch of racist jerks."
Except Gilda didn't think Rainbow was dumb, and Gilda was the jerk.
"Stop it." She demanded again, her talons in balls coming to press into her eyes as she desperately tried to stop the flow of tears. It didn't work.
"I SAID STOP IT!" She yelled at herself, "STOP FEELING SO... SO! SO SMALL!"
But she didn't feel small. She felt empty.
"YOU'RE A GRIFFON."
Griffons could hurt too, she'd learned that first claw.
"JUST STOP!"
But it didn't.
"I just-" She choked on her own tears. "Please... Just make it stop."
She cried until the sun came up, begging for help that never came.
