Biden Retires to Equestria
Secret Service Agent Melanie Wurzmann quickly checked her watch and adjusted her earpiece. She scanned her serene surroundings, her mind wandering instead of focusing on the safety of the President. Shortly after the Democratic National Convention, she had been ordered to take President Biden far away from America to a place where he could not possibly damage Vice President Harris’ campaign. Now that they were here, well…
President Biden shuffled around aimlessly for a few moments at the poolside, prompting Melanie to help guide him toward his lounge chair between Princesses Celestia and Luna of Equestria. She bit back a facial cringe as she tried to avert her gaze from the coven of sad, retired politicians.
“…And then he told me, it’s simple, Joe: They love each other.” The President trailed off, his hands still elevated for emphasis.
Princess Luna nodded solemnly. “I have great respect for you, Mr. President. I, too, claim to have been imparted with anachronistically progressive social values by my parents. I still remember how they fought bravely for the legalization of marijuana.”
Princess Celestia furrowed her brow and frowned over at her two companions. “Luna, what are you talking about? You take after our parents in being a brutal reactionary. Your last official act was to hang a stallion who had been distilling grain alcohol for his own personal use because he lacked a ‘Royal Charter’.”
“And if we allow the lowborn to distill intoxicants without paying tithes to their liege lords, what will become of us then, Celestia? An Independent Court System? The abolition of serfdom?”
“Abolition,” Joe Biden spoke up. “These new guys are gonna make Jim Crow look like Jim Hippogriff.”
Princess Celestia lowered her sunglasses to stare at Melanie, shaking her glass to wordlessly ask for a refill on her Pina Colada as the President continued.
Melanie sighed. She tiptoed around the waters of the crystal-clear blue pool while carrying the jug of frozen cocktail, hopelessly gazing across the road at the beach beyond.
By the time Melanie had refilled the drink, it was now Princess Luna’s turn to prattle on aimlessly. She held up her hooves, speaking with great intensity. “Now, see, Tirek was what the foals call a ‘bad dude’, and he ran a bunch of ‘bad boys’…Back in those days, to show you how things have changed, you had to wear an obsidian cover on your horn to prevent accidental magical discharges. Anyway, he was waiting for me with three minions with enchanted artifacts. They stuck them in a rain barrel and banged them on the marble forum to get them all rusty. Not a joke.”
Melanie’s eyes glazed over as Luna continued her story- the words began to travel directly through her ear canals without penetrating her brain. Finally, she appeared to finish.
“I-I-I…I remember something similar,” Joe Biden stammered, gazing thoughtfully into the distance.
“It seems you and I have a great deal in common, Mr. President. I would like to think I would be your supporter, were I human.”
Princess Celestia rattled her head and blinked quickly in frustration. “Luna, you can’t just keep ingratiating yourself endlessly to every U.S. President who visits us. You were one of his rival’s chief Equestrian supporters!”
Princess Luna frowned. “I was not,” she pouted.
“Yes, you were,” Princess Celestia spat back. “You were subpoenaed by Congress after they found out you stormed the Capitol on January 6th.”
Princess Luna scowled, raising her chin haughtily. “While I deeply regret my prior actions, I stand by my assertion that the irregularities in the Georgia count were-“
“Not this again, Luna!”
Joe Biden sat forward, his whole body rising to action as he held up a hand in Celestia’s direction. “Look, fat. Look.”
Princess Celestia blinked, then took a slow sip from her Pina Colada.
“I won’t have you talking smack about Princess Blue. She’s a good friend of mine. We met in the 1960s in Sudan.”
“…Did you just… Also, no, you didn’t. We haven’t met you before today.”
“Yes we did. You’re a lying, dog-faced pony soldier.”
Princess Luna then sprang into action, placing a comforting hoof on the President’s shoulder. “Mr. Biden, please don’t trouble yourself. My fat, dog-faced sister is unfortunately lapsing toward senility in her older years.”
“That’s too bad,” Biden replied. “I am totally, mentally and physically competent. Let’s do a push-up contest, right now.”
“That’s alright, our ruling days are over.” Luna sniffed. “Personally, I would have liked a shot in the big chair, but dearest sister deferred to her socially inept teenaged protégé, instead.”
Joe Biden turned his appraising gaze toward Celestia, whose muzzle was still hanging open in shock after their last riposte. “Same, actually. We’ve got more in common than I thought…Got any ice cream? Chocolate chip?”
“…No.”
A buzzing, accompanied by a loud tinkling sound, reverberated from Luna’s recliner. Her horn alighting in an indigo glow, she flourished her phone and pressed it uncomfortably close to her eyes as she focused in on the screen. “Ah, a new one from Mr. Trump.”
Princess Celestia audibly sighed. “I thought he was kicked off of Twitter? Speaking of, didn’t that terrible man buy the company?”
Princess Luna threw her sunglasses in the pool, sneering at her sister. “How wrong you are! First, it’s called ‘X’ now. Second, Elon is based and moonpilled. And finally…I am subscribed to Truth Social.”
“Of course you are.”
Ignoring her sister’s retort, Luna cleared her throat to read the thundering pronouncements of the vaguely orange blusterer. “Just heard Sleepy Joe ran away to the beach in Equestria, despite the TERRIBLE situation at the Interdimensional Border. Millions and Millions of illegal ponies coming in, Sleepy Joe going out- Democrats running scared!”
Another ding resounded from Luna’s device.
“I bet he has run away to known WITCH HUNT supporter Crappy Celestia, who is not only fat, but also dog-faced. She also disappeared after giving up power to Turbid Twilight- who is terrible. Worst Princess in horse history! Beware, Twilight- I too have a stupid hillbilly best friend. OHIO CANNOT BE STOPPED!”
As she listened in, entranced by the absurdist drama unfolding before her, Melanie slowly leaned forward, breaking her positioning. She reflexively launched back to a stick straight position as another notification sounded.
“Turbid Twilight has not been in danger since changeling goo pod incident of 2016. Crooked Kamala has not been attacked, EVER. Meanwhile, I was shot in ear- MUCH BLOOD! I will not stop fighting for my country, until we win, or someone shoots Princess Twilight in the ear. GOD BLESS AMERICA!”
Princess Celestia stood up, stretching her legs slowly and gazing mournfully into her empty drink. “Alright, that’s enough of that for the next…month. Excuse me- I’m headed to powder my nose.”
Melanie watched Celestia trundle off and noticed Luna, too, rise from her seat.
“Joe, it has been an honor. I’ll see you at dinner, but I’m afraid I must excuse myself as well. I have an appointment with the Royal Physician for my annual Medicare Wellness exam.”
Melanie found herself strangely drawn to the President’s side, passing Luna by as she approached him. For his part, Joe Biden lay on his lounge chair, gazing thoughtfully at the sun in the distance. Melanie could practically see Princess Luna’s parting words bouncing around inside of the President’s skull.
President Biden, still gazing off into the distance, smiled. “…We finally beat Medicare.”
Her lips curling upward gently, Melanie placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “We sure did, Mr. President.”
Author's Note
If you had told me I'd still be writing political crackfics seven and a half years after my initial unintentionally clairvoyant story, I would never have believed you.
This is supposed to be a fun story- please, don't take it too seriously in the comments (you know whether or not this is directed at you).
"CaTeGoRiCaLgRaNt Is A dEaD aCcOuNt" No u lol.
