The (possibly epic) quest of Jobama

by kiwipanzer

Rating: mature
Tags: Adventure, Sex, Profanity, Violence, Crossover, Death, Alternate Universe, Human, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 3849

A man wakes up in Equestria as their character from Payday 2

There I was, playing Payday 2, when I suddenly passed out. When I woke up, I was in some forest as my Character from Payday 2, Jobama.

The sex tag is for references to and jokes about sex

Payday 2 belongs to Overkill Software and Starbreeze Studios respectfully
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic belongs to Hasbro

Published 2024-09-06 01:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-09-20 08:41:22 UTC

Chapter 1

There I was, being gangbanged by two Minigun Dozers, a Medic, and a Cloaker. After failing for the thirteenth time on the same heist, I finally returned to the menu so I could pick a new job. After waiting some time for a job I hadn't done today, I saw it, a 1-day job titled 'Equestria'. The job wasn't from the base game, or any of the DLCs, and I didn't remember downloading any new mods. wondering what the mission was, I did the only thing a sane person wouldn't and shouldn't do in this situation, I clicked on the job.

There was only black, I couldn't see, I couldn't move, I couldn't hear or feel either, I was simply, there, wherever 'there' is. I didn't know how long I was like that, not able to do or feel anything, but after some time, everything went white, and I could hear birds chirping.

I opened my eyes to see the dense canopy of a forest above me, I shot up and looked around, I was in, a forest? I didn't remember entering a forest, the last thing I remember was clicking on some job on Payday 2 called 'Equestria'. Almost immediately, my mind thought of an explanation for how I was here, I had been kidnapped and dumped in some random forest. Well jokes on you kidnappers, I thought, I've watched Bear Grylls. With that, I walked off in a random direction.

After several minutes, I came across a small creek, which meant no drinking my own piss just yet. As I kneeled to drink, I saw my reflection in the water, I had a moustache, and stubble, and I looked like I was in my mid-forties, I looked like Dallas. It was at this moment that I looked down at what I was wearing, I had a white t-shirt with a black tie, a green vest, a purple jacket, purple trousers, black gloves, and black shoes. I looked at my waist and saw an alcohol flask, akimbo Lugers, a bag decorated with a red cross, and an Obama mask. Then, I reached around to my back, grabbing a shotgun off it and holding it in my hands. I looked into the creek again, finally having realized why I looked like this.

I was Jobama, my character from Payday 2.

This must be a dream, I thought. There's no way I'm Jobama, he's just a stupid character. Then, I realized something, this was a dream, it had to be, there was no other way I could be Jobama, meaning, I could walk off in any direction and it wouldn't matter. So, I did just that, I walked off into the forest, not knowing where I was going.

It had been an hour or two since I had found the creek, and I had stumbled open a log cabin. It looked like it was from a horror movie, like if I walked in, I would get a machete to the head from Jason Voorhees. Luckily, this was all a dream so I entered the cabin and looked around, the inside was quite rustic, a stone fireplace was built into a wall with a couch and a chair facing it, a bed was in one corner with a nightstand and candle next to it, and a table with some wooden chairs around it was in the middle of the cabin.

Not knowing what to do, I sat in front of the fireplace. I looked around the cabin again, My eyes scanned over everything I had already seen, which was everything in the cabin. I looked into the fireplace and saw a few small embers lying amongst the ash, then, I started thinking. All of this was so real, the bark of the trees was rough, the chirps of birds echoed throughout the forest canopy, and I could feel the small amount of heat the embers emitted. This might not be a dream.

I looked towards the bed, remembering reading somewhere that if you go to bed in a dream, you'll wake up. Stepping towards the bed, all I could think about were what-ifs. What if I wake up in a hospital, what if I wake up gagged and tied, what if... what if this isn't a dream? Laying down on the bed and resting my head against the pillow, what-ifs coursed through my mind, even as I drifted asleep.

A mist covered the forest, and the moonlight illuminated the undergrowth, somehow able to break through the branches and leaves of the various trees that made up the canopy. A lone figure strode through the forest, covered by a large plain cloak. The figure stopped, raising its head upwards, like it was listening for something. Then, it rushed off, sprinting into the forest.

After several minutes of sprinting, the figure emerged into a clearing, in the middle of the clearing stood a small log cabin with an open door. The figure crouched down, slowly walking towards the doorway. entering the cabin, a small glow emanated from below the hood of the cloak before flames rose from the ash in the fireplace. In the firelight, the figure could make out what appeared to be a hairless monkey wearing a green suit and purple jacket lying on a bed in a corner of the cabin.

"Lucky bastard." The figure spat out in a gruff voice, turning towards the fireplace, laying down on a couch and falling asleep.

A rooster's morning call woke me up, which was strange because I lived in the city, but that didn't matter because I felt great, I had never had a sleep that amazing in my life. I stood up, letting out a large yawn and stretching my arms.

"looks like someone had a good sleep." A gruff voice called out, I spun around to see who spoke and found myself face to face with a horse wearing a cloak. Naturally, I did what any strong, masculine man would do in this situation.

"AAAAAHHHHH!"

Author's Note

Hope you all enjoyed my first attempt at a more serious story, please let me know if you want more, and as always, criticism is welcomed

Fun facts with Kiwi Panzer:
The character concept of 'Jobama' was ~~stolen~~ borrowed from the amazingly talented Therussianbadger and his Payday 2 videos.

Chapter 2

"AAAAHHHH!"

Not really thinking, I moved to slap the horse. But, before My hand made contact, it was enveloped in a green aura and stopped moving. I attempted to pull my hand back, but it wouldn't budge. Then, I looked at the horse, It had a horn, and the horn was glowing the same green as the aura around my hand, the horse was a unicorn. My jaw dropped, then my body followed as I fell to the ground.

My head was pounding, like a jackhammer was jacking against my skull, or whatever the term for using a jackhammer is. I stood up, or at least tried to, but something pushed me back down, followed by a gruff, vaguely sounding southern voice.

"Whoa there pal, you took a heavy tumble earlier, I wouldn't recommend getting up just yet."

With my head still pounding, making it hard for me to think or speak coherently, I simply grunted in response. Opening my eyes, I quickly clamped them shut as I was almost blinded by a light coming in from a nearby window.

"You alright there fella?" the voice asked again. Not knowing what to do, I tried to speak.

"Head...ugh...hurt...light...bright...feel...shit." I groaned out. The voice chuckled in response.

"Hitting your head tends to do that to a man, let me fix you up a bit." As the voice finished speaking, a strange feeling akin to a hot shower overtook me. As the feeling dissipated, so too did my headache, giving me newfound courage to open my eyes again.

I turned away from the window that nearly blinded me and came face to face with a horse. I froze, looking the horse dead in the eyes. After what felt like a few minutes, but was probably just a few seconds, the horse spoke.

"You feeling any better?" The horse asked, the vaguely southern voice coming from its mouth. I continued to look into its eyes for a few seconds before doing something very reasonable.

"AAAAHHHH!" I screamed ~~femininly~~, moving away from the horse while flailing my arms like a madman. "WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU?!"

The horse chuckled at my ~~freaking out~~ totally reasonable reaction before speaking. "The names Paul, and I take it you ain't ever watched My Little Pony."

"STAY AWAY DEMON!" I continued to scream, now standing on the table and pushing at him from afar with a chair. "YOU SHALL NEVER TAKE MY LIFE, OR MY DICK!"

"How about you get off my dining table and we talk this out like nice, civilized people." Paul said, slowly walking towards me in a non-threatening manner.

"NICE TRY DEMON!" I bellowed back, randomly swinging the chair around me in a failed attempt to look intimidating. "I WON'T FALL FOR YOUR TRICKS!"

Paul let out a sigh of exasperation. "Please can we just talk this out," Paul pleaded, losing his slight Southern accent. "It's so lonely out here and I haven't talked with another person since I got to this world."

"What do you mean 'got to this world'?" I asked, finally calming down and lowering the chair. "And what are you?"

"Just sit down and I'll explain everything." Paul answered, pulling out a chair and sitting down at the table.

I slowly stepped off the table, set the chair on the ground, and sat down opposite Paul. "Please do," I demanded. "starting with what the hell are you and where are we?"

Paul sighed before the green aura pulled off his cloak, "I am an alicorn." I barely noticed he said anything as I was both amazed and confused by what I saw before me. Paul stood as tall as me, with a green coat and white mane and tail, but my eyes were most attracted to his horn and wings. The wings were covered in feathers of various shades of green, including several harsh and natural shades of bright green. while his horn was a soft lime green, just like the aura I kept seeing.

"And we," Paul gestured around us with a hoof. "are in Equestria."

"Okay," I replied, holding my hands pressed palm to palm and finger to finger before me. "so you're a magic unicorn pegasus horse thing."

"Alicorn, I'm an alicorn."

"And we are in some place called 'Equestria'," I said, Paul nodded. "Is this hell?" I asked, looking around. "did I die? Is this my eternal punishment?"

Paul let out an exasperated sigh before looking me in the eyes. "No, we are not dead. We are in the world of the TV show, My Little Pony. you got that?"

I nodded in response.

"Good. Right now, we are 1,000 years before the show takes place. Still understand?"

"So far, yes" I replied, resting a hand on my chin.

"Good, good. Right now, we are in the Everfree Forest, a deadly forest full of beasts and monsters that will kill you without a second thought."

"So I've been isekaied?" I asked.

"Pretty much," Paul responded. "But instead of hot elves and fighting demons, there's magic ponies and friendship."

"UUUGGGHHH!" I groaned. "I was right, this is hell."

Paul let out a light chuckle, getting his accent back. "Yep, but lucky for you, I've been in this world for five years now. And I'll happily teach you a thing or two," Paul leaned back in his chair with a smirk. "for a favour."

"What's the favour?"

Paul's smirk turned serious as he leaned forward. "I want someone from Earth that I can talk to about Earth things."

"Really?" I asked, expecting Paul to ask me for money, or to be his butler, or something along those lines. "Is that all?"

Paul looked at me for a moment before answering. "Do you know how lonely it is not being able to talk to ANYBODY about the things you like or the things you know?" Paul looked down at his hooves, tears welling in his eyes before looking back at me. "I can't talk to any of the local citizens about anything I like without sounding crazy or psychotic. It's been like this for FIVE. FUCKING. YEARS!" Paul punctuated his words by slamming a hoof down on the table each time.

"Christ" I muttered. "I can't imagine what that's like. You know what, you've got yourself a deal." I extended my arm for a handshake, which he took eagerly. "What do you wanna talk about first Paul." Paul's eyes lit up as he thought about what to talk about.

After several minutes of pacing and mumbling to himself, Paul turned to me. "How were you isekaied?"

I looked at him for some time before speaking up. "There I was, being gangbanged by two Minigun Dozers, a Medic, and a Cloaker..."

On the border of the Everfree Forest sat a quaint town by the name of Bark Rock. As the sun lazily shone down upon the ponys going around their business, a figure wearing a worn-down cloak entered the town. The figure looked around at all the stores before finding what they wanted. A bar, with a sign hanging above the doorway that reads 'The Drunken Ore' and a picture of a clump of rocks next to a tankard.

The figure entered the bar, drawing the eyes of the bartender and a dishevelled pegasus in the corner, the only ponies present. The figure approached the bar, where the bartender was cleaning a mug with a cloth.

"What'll it be?" The bartender asked, eying up the figure cautiously.

"Ale," A feminine voice spoke from beneath the cloak, putting a talonful of Bits on the counter. "and any information on a pony by the name of Paul."

Author's Note

Fun facts with Kiwi Panzer:
Paul was originally meant to be the famous fandom character Anon. Specifically, he was meant to be Anon Filly, but in the end, I decided to go for somebody with more character than 'anybody can imagine themselves as me',

Chapter 3

"...Then I tried to slap you, and you know the rest." I finished, having spent the last few minutes telling Paul how I got here. "Now, is there anything else you wanna know or can I ask you some questions?"

"Have you tried putting the mask on?" Paul asked

"No," I replied. "Why would that matter?"

"I have an Idea," Paul explained. "in Payday, the HUD doesn't show up until you put the mask on, right?"

"Yes, why?"

"If you put the mask on," Paul continued. "you might get the HUD from Payday and be able to open locked doors or whatnot. You could get a job as a lock opener."

"Firstly," I responded. "good idea. Secondly, are people"

"ponies."

"Are people having trouble with locked doors that need opening? In fact, do locks even exist here?" Paul raised his hoof and opened his mouth, prepared to respond. But after a moment, he lowered his hoof before speaking again.

"No, but I still think you should put the mask on" I looked at him for a moment before replying.

"Alright." I reached down to grab the mask, but as soon as I touched it, my arms went numb and started moving on their on. In a fluid motion, my hand gripped the mask and pulled it towards my face. Then my other hand grabbed the back of the mask and secured it around my face.

As the numbness left my arms and I gained control of them, my vision was lit up with text, pictures and numbers, Just like the Payday 2 HUD. My jaw dropped as I looked over all of it. On the bottom of my vision was a green donut shape, my health bar. Next to it was my ammunition, my number of cable ties, and the time before I could use the flask again(Zero). In the corner of my vision read the text 'reach the bank' and out of the corner of my eye was a symbol of an open door with the text '500m' under it.

"I have some good news and some bad news." I said, turning to Paul with a grin on my face.

"Give me the bad news firs-No, the good news, give me the good news first." Paul asked, worry etched on his face.

"Paul," I put a hand on Paul's shoulder. "IT WORK'S!!" I screamed in joy. Paul's face quickly changed from worry to happiness as he stood on his hind legs, grabbed my hands in his hooves (somehow), and started jumping and spinning around the cabin with me.

After a moment of dancing around the cabin in joy, Paul stopped and looked at me, seriousness on his face as he asked me. "What's the bad news?"

I looked back at him for a short moment before shrugging my shoulders. "The mask wants me to rob a bank, or at least reach one, no big deal."

"What!"

As the sun slowly rose to its highest point, a cloaked figure silently glided through the forest, easily dodging the trees. As the undergrowth of leaves and wood was rushed past, the figure halted, switching to hovering in the air when a voice echoed throughout the woods.

"IT WORK'S!!" the voice bellowed, scaring several birds into flight. The figure turned to where the voice came from, rushing off towards it.

"Calm down, it isn't that bad"

"YES, it is!" Paul shouted. "For the FIFTH time, the mask wants you to ROB A BANK!"

"And for the fifth time, I can just take the mask off!" I shot back.

"Then why haven't you yet?!"

"I don't feel like it!"

KNOCK
KNOCK
KNOCK

Paul and I both looked at the door. "Expecting visitors?" I whispered to him, he shook his head in response, continuing to look at the door with concern plastered on his face.

KNOCK
KNOCK
KNOCK

"Hello?" A young feminine voice called from behind the door. "Anypony in there?"

"What do we do?" Paul asked, panic replacing the concern across his face.

"Don't worry," I said, patting Paul on the shoulder and moving closer to the door. "I've got an idea."

"Heeelllooo!" the (probably a) girl called out again

"HEWWO," I yelled at the girl in a stereotypical Chinese accent. "WAT YOU WANT?!"

"Is Paul there?" She asked.

"NO PAUL HERE! ONLY DUMPLING! YOU WANT DUMPLING?!" Paul was lying on the floor, trying not to burst out in laughter.

"Are you sure there's no Paul there?" the voice asked again, suspicion hinted in her... well, voice.

"YOU NO WANT DUMPLING, YOU LEAVE!" I yelled back.

After what felt like a minute, I heard the soft thudding of feet on leaves as whoever the girl was left. I turned to Paul with a grin that wasn't visible due to the mask. We looked at each other for some time before we both fell to the ground laughing.

After several minutes of laughter, Paul spoke up. "What. was. THAT?!" He yelled, pointing at the door.

"A plan that somehow worked," I replied with a smirk, getting off the floor and sitting down at the table. "Any idea who that was?"

"No clue, but she was using my real name, not one of my aliases, meaning she knows who I am." Paul sat down opposite me and let out a sigh before looking me in the eyes. "She came here looking for me, meaning this place isn't safe anymore."

"You got any other..."

BANG
CRASH

Something smashed into the cabin door, sending it off its hinges and crashing into the wall, leaving dust and dirt clouding the doorway.

"AH!" Paul and I screamed in surprise. Paul quickly backed away from the doorway, towards me while, always keeping it in his sight. While I grabbed the two lugers on my hips and aimed them at the door, fingers on the triggers. Through the dust stepped a figure, what appeared to be a griffon standing on her hind paws, with neon blue feathers along their wings and back up along the back of their head. In one talon they held a knife or a dagger of some sort pointed into the room, in their other talon they held a revolver, the barrel laying across the talon holding the blade, like how Leon held the pistol and knife in resident evil.

"Alright Paul," The figure said, revealing that they were the voice from earlier. "we can do this the easy way or the har..." The griffon trailed off upon seeing me, simply looking at me in disbelief.

"Put the gun down," I asked, my voice snapping her out of her stupor. "before things get ugly."

"But you are ugly," The griffon snapped back. "and why don't you put your gun down?"

"1. I'm wearing a mask," I replied deadpan. "2. I asked you first, and 3. I have two guns."

"Yeah well, Your voice is ugly, and I have the higher calibre and velocity, one bullet from this into any of your limbs could easily take them off." As the griffon smirked at me, I looked into her revolver's barrel and gained a smirk of my own.

"Well, you see," I started. "I have two advantages over you. 1. I have ammunition and aren't just bluffing," Her face fell as I called her out, her smirk changing into a look of worry. "and 2. You're outnumbered."

CRACK

One of the chairs at the table came crashing down onto the griffin's head wrapped in a green aura. The chair hitting her so hard that it broke a leg off and caused the seat to break in half. She dropped to the floor, dropping her blade and gun, which were quickly wrapped in a green aura before being brought up to Paul, waiting behind her.

"How the fuck did she get a gun?" Paul questioned, looking over the gun carefully. "The longbow was only recently invented, and where did she get this knife? This looks like one of those combat knives used in Vietnam."

"Why don't we ask her when she wakes up," I suggested, picking up her unconscious body and sitting it down on another of the dining table chairs. "I have some questions of my own. Hey, where do you keep the rope and fire poker?"

Author's Note

Sorry about the size of and wait between the chapters. I try to get a chapter out each week but I suffer from several cases of random bouts of no motivation, and lack of sleep, and they make it a bit difficult to write when combined with my ametuar writing skills. rest assured, I'll do my best to finish a chapter each week, or at least one every two weeks.