"Do Robots Have A Larval Stage?"
We're Getting My Money Back
The bright, sunny sky above Lyra gave her a feeling of warmth as she trotted through town. A lovely smile graced her mint green complexion as she cantered along, a spring in her step because of the fun atmosphere she felt around her. Then again, every day in Ponyville was fun for her. There were always new surprises, new sights and smells, and occasionally a monster attack to keep things interesting.
She was just about to round the corner leading toward her house when she happened to glance at a street lamp post. More specifically, at the flyer that was attached to it. Frowning, she pulled it down and inspected the eye-catching advertisement. “Huh… housecleaning robots?” She’d never really heard of anything like that being available to the average pony. Robots were the kind of thing that seemed to be firmly in the realm of science fiction. And yet, here was a flyer, with a mailing address and everything, claiming to offer them for sale. She smiled, thinking about all the chores she wouldn’t have to do anymore thanks to having a metal servant. “I could totally make it cook me breakfast! And do the dishes! And take out the trash!” she said with a squeal.
Then she noticed the cost.
“Whoa… that’s a lot of bits!” she said. That many bits could buy a really nice carriage, or give her and Bonnie a nice week in Canterlot, dining at the best restaurants and sleeping at the finest hotels. She almost put the flyer down, but then she started thinking about all the work she wouldn’t have to do anymore if she had a robot to do it all for her. And honestly, for what the advertisement was claiming, it was surely worth the bits. It was an investment! Having made her decision, she ripped the flyer down and trotted the rest of the way home. Bonnie was going to be so happy with her!
-*-*-
“And that’s why I was at the post office yesterday,” said Lyra. “I had to send off a big envelope filled with bits.” She was sitting in the living room with her wife, sipping on a cup of mint tea, oblivious to the growing look of concern on Bon Bon’s face.
“What bits?” said Bon Bon. “You don’t have any bits. All your money was spent on that set of encyclopedias about Equestrian cryptids, mysteries, and unsolved riddles.” She then sighed. “An encyclopedia, I might add, that you haven’t even gotten in the mail yet. When did you send off the money for that, again?”
Lyra set her teacup down, put a hoof to her mouth, and started to think. “Hmm… It must have been… two and a half months ago?”
“And you still haven’t seen them yet?” said Bon Bon.
“The salespony said they could take four to six weeks to arrive!” said Lyra.
“Two and a half months is ten weeks, Lyra!” retorted Bon Bon. “Anyway, you still haven’t made back the bits from that-”
“It’s been a dry spell, okay?”
“-so how could you possibly have paid for this robot thing in the first place?” said Bon Bon. “Do you have a savings account I don’t know about?”
“No, don’t be silly. You can’t trust banks,” said Lyra with an air of condescension.
“Then where did you get them?” said Bon Bon slowly, her voice beginning to have a distinct edge to it
“The sock drawer,” said Lyra with a shrug.
“The sock drawer?” repeated Bon Bon. “You mean my sock drawer?”
“Yeah,” said Lyra. “There was a sock full of bits in there that was just collecting dust, so I used that, because honestly, what else were we gonna use it for?”
Just then, a vein popped out from Bon Bon’s forehead. “I was saving those bits for a vacation, Lyra!”
Lyra, having finally cottoned on to the fact that Bon Bon was quickly approaching nuclear meltdown, cleared her throat. “W-well, with a housecleaning robot you’ll save so much time that you won’t even need a vacation!”
“Trust me, I need one,” said Bon Bon, then under her breath, she added, “If only to prevent a future homicide.”
Suddenly their conversation was interrupted by a rapping on the front door. They both looked at each other, and Bon Bon said, “You go answer it. I’m in no mood to talk to anypony.” She sighed and leaned back into the couch cushion, wondering to herself if it’s still ponyslaughter if it’s premeditated. Probably not, she decided.
Lyra, meanwhile, got up off the couch and then walked across the carpeted living room to the front door. She took the handle in her hoof and swung it open, and then said, “Hello th… there?” Her cheery face morphed into a frown as she looked at what lay on the porch in front of their house. Standing before her was a large cardboard box. It had dozens of black scuff marks on it, creases in the edges as though it had been banged around for a week, a couple of dented corners, and a patch where the outer surface had been scratched through. But her frown switched immediately to a broad grin when she saw the word ‘ROBOT’ on the side of it.
“It’s here!” she shouted. “Huh… that was quicker than I expected. The Equestrian mail service must be running faster than usual.” She then wrapped her magic aura around the box and tried to pull it into the house. “Ugh… it’s too heavy. Bonnie, can you come help me?”
A brief sound of disgust was heard from the couch as Bon Bon stood up and walked to the front door at a pace suggesting she’d rather not be assisting her future murder victim. She then grasped the side opposite Lyra and said, “Okay, on three. One… two… three!” Together, they dragged the heavy box into the house, over the carpet, and into the clear space behind the couch. “This does not look legit,” said Bon Bon, glaring at what were definitely black crayon scribbles over the word ‘REFRIGERATOR’ under the word ‘ROBOT’. “What company did you say sells this thing?”
“Um, I forgot,” said Lyra absently as she used her horn to magically rip the tape from the flaps on the outside. With a few more judicious yanks on the cardboard trappings, the contents of the box were finally free of their confines. Lyra took a deep breath and blew it out, then stood back to admire her purchase. “Sweet Celestia… just look at it! It’s so cool!”
“That’s one word for it,” said Bon Bon. She walked up to Lyra and stood next to her, looking the roughly pony-shaped object up and down. “It looks pretty scraggly to me, though.”
“I am the latest in housecleaning technology!” said the robot suddenly.
Bon Bon and Lyra both jumped back in surprise. After picking themselves up off the floor, Lyra said, “See? It’s clearly an advanced robot if it can respond to our verbal commands!”
Unconvinced, Bon Bon said, “Well, it’s brain might be advanced, but it still looks pretty cheaply made to me.”
“I am made from only the best of materials!” said the robot.
“Does that include cardboard?” replied Bon Bon as she poked and pressed her hoof into the sides of the robot. The tan-colored material seemed to give quite easily under her hoof.
It recoiled from her touch and said, “My exoskeleton… I mean, outer casing is made from recycled materials for the ultimate in environmental consciousness. My structure is composed from kryptainium and glorbonium matrices with a suspension of hamonium particles for maximum structural integrity!”
“Apparently glorbonium smells like old pizza boxes,” said Bon Bon sarcastically.
“It adds character!” said Lyra. “And who doesn’t love the smell of pizza?”
“I certainly do!’ said the robot.
“Besides, I’ve already spent the bits on it,” added Lyra. “As long as it’s halfway decent at cleaning houses, I’d say we got our money’s worth.”
Unconvinced, Bon Bon sighed in defeat and said, “Fine, we’ll keep it. As long as it does a good job. Come on, robot. Let’s go see if you’re worth the bits my insane wife spent on you.”
-*-*-
After a week, Bon Bon was back to planning a murder. The house was a mess, with trash piling up in the garbage cans, a sink full of dirty dishes, and a kitchen counter full of spills and old food that was supposed to have been cleaned up days ago. The carpet had dark marks in it and little crunchy things that should have been vacuumed up already. And most egregiously, the box that the robot had been shipped in was still leaning against the wall after the machine had promised to take it out.
She glanced to her right, where her future victim was sitting next to her on the couch. “Lyra… it’s time we talked about the robot.”
“I know, I know…” said Lyra. “But I’ve tried getting it to do its job better! Every time I talk to it about how terrible it is at cleaning, it tells me that ponies are just too picky and then goes back to the storage closet! It won’t even let me in there to get the vacuum so I can at least sweep the floor!”
“Well, at least you made an attempt,” said Bon Bon, unable to keep sarcasm from slipping into her voice.
From the kitchen the sound of crashing reverberated through the house, making Lyra and Bon Bon jump suddenly, and in particular making Bon Bon wonder if there was anything in Equestrian law against destroying sentient machinery.
Lyra looked toward the kitchen, where the robot could be seen putting dishes in the dishwasher while stepping over the broken crockery in the floor and knowing it was next to useless to tell it to clean that up because the only thing that would follow would be a sarcastic tirade about how the machine will “get to it later”. She then looked at Bon Bon. “Y’know… I think buying that robot might have been a mistake.”
She said nothing further. The sight of a throbbing vein on Bon Bon’s forehead the size and shape of one of Iron Will’s arms sitting above a withering scowl made any further discourse die in her throat.
-*-*-
“What the buck was that?!”
Bon Bon was sitting bolt upright in bed, her eyes glued to the bedroom door where she’d heard something in the quiet of the night. It sounded like it had come from deep in the darkness of the house. It had also sounded… squishy.
A muffled groan came from under the covers that were pulled up over Lyra’s head. “Iunno,” came the tired reply from under the comforter.
“Go check it out!” said Bon Bon.
More groans. “Why me?”
“Because you have magic!”
“But you could kick it or something.”
“Lyra Heartstrings!” shouted Bon Bon at a sufficient level to cause the unicorn to tumble out of bed and hit the floor with a loud “fwump”.
Picking herself up and dusting herself off, Lyra said, “Ugh, okay, well since I’m awake now, I’ll go check it out. But you’re coming with me! I’m not facing whatever this is alone!”
“Fine!” said Bon Bon. She threw the covers off and slipped out of bed, then when Lyra began to walk toward the door, she joined her. Bon Bon crept forward and, notably, kept Lyra at least a step or two ahead of her at all times.
They both slowly sneaked through the house, gingerly placing each hoof in front of the other, trying not to make even the slightest of noises as they walked. The darkness enveloped the both of them, and neither one of them wanted to turn on the lights or use a light spell, lest it alert whoever or whatever it was to their presence. Lyra gulped and whispered, “We should have gone to the kitchen and grabbed a knife, at least.”
“We can’t risk it,” Bon Bon whispered back. “They might make off with something valuable before we get there and we need to catch them in the act.”
As they followed the sounds to the long hallway leading to the closet, they both noticed something odd in the floor. There were big pieces of grease-stained cardboard littering the carpet. Bon Bon turned up her nose at them. “Did whoever it was destroy the robot or something? Not that I’m complaining.”
“I dunno,” replied Lyra. She hesitantly walked along the hallway alongside Bon Bon, and then suddenly – too suddenly – they were both staring at the storage closet door, cringing at the squishy, squelchy sounds that were coming from the other side of it. “Do you think it’s some kind of monster?” she whispered.
“Whatever it is, we gotta deal with it,” Bon Bon whispered back. “I’ll open the door on the count of three, then you use your magic to get rid of it.”
“Okay,” said Lyra. She took a breath, readying herself and charging her horn.
“One… two… three!” Bon Bon then quickly swung the door open, and when they looked inside they both gasped at what they saw.
“Queen Chrysalis?!” they said in unison.
The bug queen was indeed standing there, surrounded by pale green blobs that seemed to be bound together and fused to the floor by sticky slime. Tiny little white grubs were squirming around on top of them and inching around on the floor, making disgusting noises as they searched for food. Chrysalis stared at them. They stared back.
“What are you… are you laying eggs?! That’s so disgusting!” said Lyra.
“Gah! I’m never getting that image out of my head!” shouted Bon Bon.
“Nyah-ha-ha-ha-haaa! Fools!” said Chrysalis, retracting her egg-laying parts and standing before them with her eyes splayed in manic glee. Both of the ponies before her continued to stare in disgust at a part of bug anatomy that would likely haunt their imaginations for the rest of their days as the changeling queen continued, saying, “You both are going to rue the day your precious princess, Twilight Sparkle, destroyed my kingdom! You will all rue the day! It shall be a day of rueing indeed, for I, Queen Chrysalis, shall reestablish my kingdom here, in Twilight Sparkle’s very hometown, starting with your pathetic hovel! I shall – Ow! Hey! Stop that!”
Bon Bon, who had grabbed a broom during the queen’s monologue, had no intention of desisting as she continued to whack the big bug.
The ugly creature let out a snarling hiss. “You – ow! – you fool! Don’t – ow! – you know who – ow! – I am?!” Chrysalis tried to ignite her horn, but Bon Bon whacked that, too. “Ow! That one hurt! Cease your – ow! – infernal beating!”
Bon Bon didn’t stop, however. In fact, she beat the queen even harder with the broom. Meanwhile, Lyra used her magic to pull the queen out of her nest and then shove her through the house as Bon Bon followed along. Then she levitated the first thing she could find – that being a 12 foot ladder hanging in the closet – and began using the much heavier object to smack the queen, who had taken to covering herself with her forelegs. “Gah!” said the queen. “Stop it! Alright, alright, I’m leaving! Ack! No! Please! I’m going!”
Getting off the floor even as she received more sharp whacks from the cursed objects the ponies were wielding like clubs, Chrysalis began running through the house. “C’mon, after her!” shouted Lyra as she and Bon Bon both followed the changeling, pelting her with loose objects from around the house as they chased her out of their dwelling and into the street.
Chrysalis looked back behind her, and for a moment seemed to contemplate a counter-attack. However she saw in that direction Princess Twilight’s castle, and the prospect of sending grubs to counter-attack in the presence of such a structure seemed a tactically unwise decision. So, begrudgingly, she spread her wings and buzzed off into the night, shouting, “I’ll be back, ponies! And next time you won’t be so lucky!”
“You’re the lucky one!” said Bon Bon. “Lucky I grabbed the broom instead of the bug spray!”
-*-*-
Grunting from the effort of carrying it, Bon Bon balanced a grungy box on her back. She was walking toward the curb in front of their house, an unamused expression adorning her face. When she arrived at the edge of the street, she set the box – labeled “Free to a good home!” – next to it. Inside the box were nearly two dozen wriggling, squirming changeling larvae. One of them looked up at her and hissed. The corners of her mouth turned up in disgust. She then walked back to the house, trudged across the living room floor, and flopped onto the couch.
She glanced around the room. It wasn’t as messy as it had been. That was largely thanks to Lyra, who was currently floating a trash can next to her and gathering up all the debris that the disguised changeling had left strewn around the room. It was nearly full, so she set it on the floor, then wiped a single bead of sweat dramatically from her brow as she went to the couch and sat down next to Bon Bon.
“You must be so exhausted,” said Bon Bon sarcastically.
“Yeah, totally,” said Lyra as she sunk into the couch cushions. “This is gonna take forever to clean, Bonnie…”
“Well, if you had started cleaning this place up at the same time you’d mailed away money for a fake housecleaning robot, you would have been done by now, wouldn’t you?”
Lyra frowned at her, preparing to reply with something acerbic, but she sighed and said, “Okay, fine, I was an idiot. You win. Are you happy now?”
“Almost,” said Bon Bon. “You still have one more thing to say to me.”
Sighing, Lyra said, “I’m sorry.”
“Okay, two things.”
Putting a hoof to her chin and thinking to herself, Lyra suddenly gasped and said, “Oh yeah! And I’ll pay back every bit!”
Bon Bon nodded. “With interest.”
