Shining Armor gets a Cannon

by Caladis

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Royal Guard, Adventure, Shining Armor, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life
Length: 2240

Bored and Upset, Shining Armor tries to remain useful, to the point of insanity.

An Entry into the "Dumb as Doornails" Contest

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Captain Shining Armor is bored. With his little sister Twilight Sparkle and her friends handling all the big threats to Equestria, what's a Royal Guard to do? When our well-meaning but not-so-bright hero stumbles upon a shiny new weapon, he sees it as his chance to prove his worth. What could possibly go wrong?

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Briefly Featured 9-6-24

Published 2024-09-06 13:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-09-06 13:00:00 UTC

What Else Were You Expecting?

Captain Shining Armor was making his rounds, his brain working overtime on all the wrong things. He polished spotless weapons, straightened perfectly aligned troops, and obsessed over the minuscule chance that the Army would be needed for something his little sister Twilight couldn't handle with her newfound magic prowess and friendship powers.

Yeah, fat chance, he thought, snickering at his own wit. Even Celestia's cake-loving flank is skinnier than that chance.

With Twilight and her friends handling threats like Nightmare Moon and Discord, Shining felt about as useful as a chocolate teapot in the Badlands. His daily routine had become a monotonous blur of pointless tasks and imaginary threats.

“Captain,” a young recruit called out, saluting so hard Shining worried the poor colt might sprain something, “I've completed polishing all the ceremonial spears, sir!”

Shining beamed, completely missing the recruit's exhausted expression. “Excellent work, soldier! Now, let's see... why don't you polish them again, but this time, use counter-clockwise strokes? You never know when we might need to repel an attack from bizarro-world where everything's reversed!”

The recruit's eye twitched, but he saluted again. “Yes, sir. Right away, sir.”

As the day wore on, Shining's boredom reached critical levels. He'd reorganized the armory by weapon color, trained the royal guards to march backwards, you know, just in case, and spent two hours trying to teach his reflection in his shield to wink on command.

It was during this cutting-edge tactical training that Shining, wandering aimlessly along the castle walls, stumbled upon a shiny new toy that would change everything.

"Ooh, what's this?" he asked, eyes wide with childlike wonder. He circled the strange contraption, poking at it like a curious foal.

The Corporal manning the station snapped to attention, sensing danger but bound by duty to respond. “This, sir, is a cannon. It's a new defensive weapon that uses gunpowder to launch magic shells at enemies.”

Shining's face lit up like Hearth's Warming Eve. “Neat! Tell me more about this boom-stick, Corporal! Does it shoot rainbows? Or maybe cake? Ooh, or rainbow cakes!”

The Corporal, wondering if this was some sort of elaborate prank, cleared his throat. “Ah, no sir. It fires powerful explosive shells designed to repel large-scale attacks or breach enemy fortifications.”

As the Corporal explained the cannon's capabilities, Shining's mind wandered to all the ‘awesome’ things he could do with it. His imagination ran wild with visions of cannon-launched fireworks displays, express mail delivery systems, and a revolutionary new method for trimming the castle's hedges.

“...and that's why we have both anti-fortress and anti-personnel rounds,” the Corporal finished, realizing Shining hadn't heard a word he'd said.

“Blowing up bugs sounds fun!” Shining exclaimed, completely missing the point of defensive weaponry. “Hey, do you think we could use this to make the world's biggest bug zapper? We could protect all of Equestria from Changelings!”

The Corporal, growing increasingly nervous, mentioned that the cannon wasn't currently loaded, for safety reasons.

Shining's face fell faster than a pegasus with clipped wings. “Aw, so we don't even know if it works? That's no fun at all! What if we need to zap a target right now?”

“Well,” the Corporal began cautiously, “a civilian model is being sold to fire confetti and fireworks. Only one pony has bought one so far, but from her tests, it works fine. We haven't tested the military version because, well, it's rather dangerous.”

Shining's eyes gleamed with a dangerous mix of enthusiasm and idiocy. “Dangerous, schmangerous! We're the Royal Guard! We eat danger for breakfast, lunch, and dinner! With a side of peril!”

Before the Corporal could stop him, Shining had grabbed an anti-fortress round and started loading the cannon. “Sir, please, I must insist…”

“Pish posh! I'm the Captain, aren't I? I know what I'm doing!” Shining declared, fumbling with the manual. “See? I'm reading the instructions and everything! Step one: Insert round thingy into big hole. Check! Step two: Don't point at face. Check! Step three: Something, something, safety... boring! Step four: BOOM!”

The Corporal watched in horror as Shining aimed the cannon at a random tower – because apparently that seemed like a good idea to him. “Sir, that's Princess Luna's night tower! We can't…”

“Relax, Corporal! I'm sure Princess Luna would love a surprise renovation. Fire in the hole!”

Shining yelled, lighting the fuse with gleeful abandon. The deafening boom was music to his ears. The fire streak mesmerized him like a cat with a laser pointer. The impact? Absolutely satisfying. The tower's collapse? Not so much.

As dust and debris rained down, Shining stood there, jaw dropped and eyes wide. After a moment of stunned silence, he turned to the Corporal with a huge grin.

“Wow, it's highly effective!”

The Corporal, wondering if this was all a bad dream, could only nod mutely.

Completely oblivious to the magnitude of his blunder, Shining whipped out his Ogres and Oubliettes chart, because priorities. “Note to self: Cannon inflicts 5d8 on structures with the anti-fortress round. Ooh, that's gonna be great for our next campaign!”

Turning to the horror-struck Corporal, he grinned. “You think we can get some volunteers to test the anti-personnel rounds? Maybe we could set up a little obstacle course, see how many ponies we can take out with one shot. For science, of course!”

The Corporal, silently contemplating a career change, shook his head. “My HP isn't that high, sir. Perhaps we should inform the Princesses about the... incident?”

“Incident? What incident? This is a breakthrough!” Shining declared proudly. “But I suppose we should let them know about our successful test. I bet they'll be thrilled!”

As if on cue, Princess Celestia appeared in a flash of golden light, her mane practically on fire with rage. “SHINING ARMOR! What in the name of Equestria do you think you're doing?”

Shining, with all the self-awareness of a potato, replied, “Testing the new cannon, Your Highness! It works great! Watch, I'll show you again…”

“DON'T YOU DARE!” Celestia's voice boomed, making both Shining and the Corporal wince.

“You've destroyed an entire tower of the castle! Do you have any idea of the consequences of your actions?”

Shining thought hard, his face scrunching up with the effort. After a moment, he brightened. “I get a promotion for showing initiative? General Shining sounds very nice…”

Celestia's eye twitched so hard it was visible from Ponyville. Before she could turn Shining into a potted plant, which, frankly, might have been an improvement, a blue streak shot up from the rubble. Princess Luna materialized, grinning like a maniac.

“Sister! Did you see that? It was magnificent!” Luna exclaimed, her mane sparkling with excitement and bits of mortar. “One moment I was pondering the intricacies of dream magic, and the next – BOOM! – I was wide awake and falling through the air!”

Celestia blinked, utterly baffled. “Luna, you're... not upset?”

“Upset? Nay, I am thrilled!” Luna declared. “It has been far too long since I've felt such exhilaration. Though I must admit, a warning before my study became a pile of rocks would have been nice.”

Shining brightened. “See? No harm done! Say, Princess Luna, want to help me test the anti-personnel rounds? I bet we could clear out Day Court in no time flat!”

“NO!” chorused Celestia and the Corporal in perfect harmony. Luna and Shining both frowned at the lack of enthusiasm.

Just then, Princess Cadance arrived in a flurry of pink feathers, ready to beg for mercy for her intellectually challenged husband. “Please, Auntie Celestia, don't be too harsh. You know Shining would never intentionally cause harm. He just... doesn't think things through. Ever.”

Celestia sighed, feeling a headache coming on. “Cadance, dear, I understand you want to protect your husband, but this goes beyond a simple mistake. He destroyed a part of the castle and could have seriously injured Luna!”

“But I wasn't injured!” Luna interjected cheerfully. “In fact, I haven't felt this alive in centuries! Perhaps we could schedule weekly demolitions? For morale purposes, of course.”

“Luna, please don't encourage him,” Celestia groaned.

Cadance, seeing her chance, pressed on. “See? No real harm done. And I'm sure Shining has learned his lesson. Haven't you, dear?”

All eyes turned to Shining, who was attempting to balance his captain's helmet on the tip of his horn. “Huh? Oh, yes! Lesson learned! Always use a bigger cannon for larger towers. Got it!”

Cadance facehoofed so hard she nearly gave herself a concussion.

Celestia, realizing she was dealing with a stallion who probably couldn't be trusted with safety scissors, let alone military-grade weaponry, came to a decision.

“Shining Armor, you are hereby assigned to oversee a complete review and update of all safety protocols for new weapons and magical devices in Canterlot.”

Shining's eyes lit up. “Ooh, does that mean I get to test more weapons? Can we try using the Elements of Harmony as cannonballs? Think of the friendship we could spread!”

“NO!” everyone shouted in unison, causing several birds to flee from the nearby trees.

“You will work closely with our research and development teams,” Celestia continued, massaging her temples, “under constant supervision, to ensure nothing like this ever happens again. And when I say 'closely,' I mean you are not to so much as touch a butter knife without at least three responsible ponies present.”

Luna, still buzzing from her unexpected wake-up call, chimed in. “I shall assist! Perhaps we can design some sort of controlled demolition exercise? Or a cannon that fires smaller cannons! Ooh, or a cannon that creates instant bounce houses for the foals!”

Celestia shot her sister a warning look that could have melted steel. “Luna, please don't encourage him. We're trying to prevent accidents, not cause more of them.”

As the group began to disperse, each lost in thoughts of the chaos that would surely ensue from Shining's new assignment, Cadance turned to her husband.

“Shining, darling, what were you thinking? You could have been hurt! Or, um, executed.”

Shining's ears drooped. “I... I guess I was feeling a bit useless. With Twilight and her friends handling big threats like Nightmare Moon and Discord, I thought maybe if I could master this new weapon, I'd still have a purpose. You know, besides looking dashing in armor and getting teased by my little sister about my 'BBBFF' title.”

Cadance's expression softened. She nuzzled her husband gently. “Oh, Shining. You don't need to prove yourself. You're invaluable to Equestria, cannon or no cannon. Your worth isn't measured by the weapons you wield, but by your dedication to our kingdom and its ponies.”

Shining brightened. “You're right! And now, I get to be at the forefront of revolutionizing our security measures! Hey, do you think they'd let me test that cloud-to-cotton-candy spell Pinkie Pie's been working on? I bet that'd be super effective against invading armies! They'd be too busy eating clouds to attack!"

Cadance sighed, wondering for the umpteenth time how she'd fallen in love with this lovable idiot. “Shining, dear, let's focus on rebuilding the tower first, okay? One step at a time.”

“Okie dokie!” Shining said cheerfully. “I bet we could do it super-fast if we used the cannon to launch the building materials up there! It'll be like reverse Jenga!”

As Cadance led her husband away, gently explaining why that was a terrible idea, and silently vowing to hide all the cannons in Equestria, the rest of Canterlot breathed a collective sigh of relief. They'd survived Shining Armor's first encounter with heavy artillery. Now they just had to survive his ‘safety review.’

Equestria's future suddenly looked a lot more... interesting.

In the weeks that followed, Shining threw himself into his new role with characteristic enthusiasm and a stunning lack of common sense. His ‘innovations’ included: first, A magical forcefield that repelled everything, including air, tested on himself, resulting in a brief but educational bout of asphyxiation. Second. Armor enchanted to turn invisible in the presence of danger, which led to a lot of naked, confused guards. And third, a prototype ‘friendly fire’ spell that was supposed to only harm enemies but somehow managed to single out ponies with embarrassing middle names.

Each day brought new challenges, not least of which was keeping Shining from accidentally destroying Canterlot in his quest to protect it. But through it all, his heart was in the right place, even if his brain often seemed to be on vacation.

And so, life in Canterlot adapted to its new normal. Guards learned to dive for cover at the words “Hey, watch this!” The castle staff developed a highly efficient system for putting out random fires. And Princess Celestia seriously considered adding “Shining-proofing” to the royal budget.

But at the end of the day, as Shining curled up next to Cadance, a dopey smile on his face as he recounted his latest "brilliant" idea, something about training dragons to be crossing guards, she couldn't help but love him all the more for his endearing idiocy.

After all, in a world of ancient evils and magical threats, sometimes what you really need is a stallion who can make you laugh, even if it's because he just tried to replace all the royal guard's swords with rubber chickens ‘for safety reasons.’

Equestria might not always be the safest place with Shining Armor on the job, but it was certainly never boring.

Author's Note

All comments are welcome.