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           Breaking Wind: An Anonymous Conundrum           
                       -by HumanSVD-                       
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             Chapter One: The pressure begins.             
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Chapter One: The pressure begins.
Rainbow Dash splayed on her back as she rested on the only small cloud in the sky. Today was a very boring day for the mare as everypony in Ponyville had something more important than watch and see how awesome she was. To the pegasus mare, it was almost an insult and if anypony could see her face, they'd surely see her frown. Even her friend Pinkie Pie was too busy to spend time with her, as the pink earth pony merely said, "Works not gonna work itself! Later Dashie!"
"Aaaugh!" moaned Rainbow Dash, "It's so bucking boring! What the hay am I gonna do? There's literally nothing to do!
"Well, nothing cool to do at least. Everypony is busy with something."
And she wasn't wrong either, as everypony in Ponyville had something planned to do. Mayor Mare, ever desperate to generate tax revenue for the town, approved several public events. Normally the older elected leader of the small town would approve of one event at a time and this was due to the fact most ponies didn't want outsider visitors flooding the town. Ever since Rainbow Dash and her friends had saved Equestria several times, each one of them had become mini celebrities.
This was even more so after Princess Twilight Sparkle had the idea of publishing the Lessons of Friendship as a publicly funded and provided book for all citizens of Equestria. The pegasus mare shook her head as she tried to avoid remembering the annoying fans from other towns and cities, pestering them with questions none of the mares cared for. It was then Rainbow Dash realized why Daring Do chose to publish her own works under a pseudonym. Even Rainbow Dash herself was eventually embarrassed to have bothered Daring Do and finally understood how it felt.
Things eventually calmed down and most ponies now remembered her for works as a Wonderbolt Member, rather than the book Twilight Sparkle published. Unfortunately, everypony had not a care in the world to idolize her today and not even her #1 fan, Scootaloo, had time for her. The little orange pegasus filly's parents had come into town to visit her and there was no way Rainbow Dash would ever interfere in her family time. This also meant that there was no Official Rainbow Dash Fan Club meeting today, which meant she couldn't get her validation fix by spying on the club's session.
The rainbow maned mare also knew the arcades would be packed with a bunch of young colts and fillies, along with the few ugly mares and neck beard stallions talking about lame nerdy stuff. It didn't help the fact they also tended to smell like sweat and cheese puffs. She couldn't even sneak into the Spa to get her "discrete secret girly-girl special". Despite the fact her friends knew she liked to participate in marely-relaxing fun, she still had a reputation of "not being lame" to uphold.
And for the movie theater? Well, that was out of the question as they were only showing a recording of the Manehatten play, Hinny of the Hills. While it was a good play, Rainbow Dash had already seen it and she wasn't going to pay Bits to see a recording of play she'd already seen. The mare groaned in agonizing boredom and shouted, "I'm bored! I'm bored! I'M BORED!"
Before she could react, a voice said out loud, "Did somepony say my name?"
This sent shivers down her back as she recognized who the voice belonged to. As if to confirm what she already knew, a pink cotton candy like cloud appeared in a blink of white light flash. Sitting on a strange looking thrown made almost entirely out of Scepters with Twilight Sparkle's face, was none other than Discord. But his appearance was different, as he wore black eyes as dark as obsidian, and wore a light blueish wig of a female. He looked like he was trying imitate some movie that was in the theaters not long ago.
He stood up and comically grew in size before peering down and looking at her. Discord bent down and pointed a finger from his paw at her and said, "You look bored...I can fix that."
He wound up booping her snoot, which made her muzzle scrunch up in discomfort. She wound up sneezing and confetti came out of her nostrils. As she shouted, "Hey! Cut it out!", he laughed and said, "Hahaha! You should have seen the look on your cute little pony face! Ahahaha!"
This annoyed the buck out of her and she flew up and booped him back and not in the cute way. Her hoof made a hard, solid contact and his muzzle caved in like an accordion. His dumbfounded expression added to the fact an accordion noise was made as it rocked back and forth. To Rainbow Dash, it was hilarious and a long time coming for him. He snapped himself back to normal and was now sitting on his throne one the pink cloud once again.
"Ha-ha, very funny. You got me." said Discord with a deadpanned expression.
"Well, you deserved it, Discord. Besides, what the hay are you doing here? I didn't call your name."
Rainbow Dash hovered in the air with her forelegs resting on her sides, annoyed at his unwelcomed presence. Discord shrugged and replied, "I'm here because there's nothing to do! Seriously, you think the chaos realm would have something but it's predictably unpredictable. There's nothing there that I haven't experienced, so I came to see what's going on in Ponyville."
He took out a telescope and looked towards Ponyville below while sporting an Admiral's hat. "Ahoy! I see on the horizon a bunch of boring get togethers and shindigs with "not me" invited! It's a travesty and I can expect it to be as exciting as a saltine cracker. Mayor Mare must be desperate to increase the budget or something. You'd think she'd have organized a charity food fight, not a bunch of boring modern day activities like bland bread tasting contests."
Discord then snapped a cannon with a watermelon loaded inside into existence and aimed it at the town. Rainbow Dash almost wished he was brave enough to fire it, but she knew the fallout wouldn't be worth it. The Draconequis signed before snapping it away, "Years ago, I'd have been all over that. It's not worth the scolding Fluttershy would give me."
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and asked, "Why don't you just go spend some time with her?"
Discord's arms separated and comically flailed about in order to exaggerated his answer, "You'd think I would! But NOOOO! She had to go spend time with Anonymous! That stupid human Anonymous, with his snazzy business suit and his-"
The pegasus mare scowled at the mere mention of Anonymous and there were several reasons why. For one, Anonymous was nothing special, seeing how he had no magic of any kind. He also couldn't fly, nor was he as strong as Big Macintosh, and he had only his suits with something called a "Smartphone". Princess Twilight Sparkle thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread, and just like Lyra Heartstrings, she asked him non-stop questions about humans. She had no doubt the two Canterlot natives had a secret Anonymous Fan Club, but those were just rumors as far as Rainbow Dash knew.
And that's not all, the whole town liked the stupid man! From the very cautious Cake couple, to the elderly ponies of the Ponyville, and even Ms. Cherilee and her students thought he was great. One time, roughly a year ago, a group of Zebra thugs tried to find Zecora and foalnap her. Rainbow Dash had no clue why they were after her, but Anonymous had somehow stopped them. The whole town celebrated the man's accomplishment and Mayor Mare even gave a speech for the guy. Normally such a thing wouldn't bother Rainbow Dash but the constant plot-kissery towards the man bothered her.
Even Fluttershy would always blush when the subject of Anonymous came up. She always said he was "nice" and Rainbow Dash could just imagine her best friend getting "butterflies in her tummy". Seriously, she couldn't get why he was considered even attractive! Lyra Heartstrings had the hots for him and so did Twilight Sparkle, or at least Rainbow Dash suspected her alicorn friend did.
There was also the fact that everypony and every other kind of sapient creature in Equestria had fallen to her pranks, except him. Every prank she attempted to throw at Anonymous somehow failed or backfired. Even Pinkie Pie gave up trying to prank the man and that was a special feat on it's own.
Before Rainbow Dash could reflect on how much of a plothead Anonymous was, the mare was spun around in circle before coming to a full stop. Her eyes eventually stopped spinning before making contact with Discord, who was genuinely not happy to have been ignored.
"Are you even listening to my monologue about that dumb furless monkey known as Anonymous? Don't tell me you get the "Butterflies" like Fluttershy does."
She coughed and gagged, "No bucking way! I don't like Anonymous. I don't get it! What so great about him anyway?"
Discord's arms reattached themselves and the Draconequis smiled before saying, "I know! Right?! He's literally got nothing special about him! No special talents."
"No magic." said Rainbow Dash.
"No flying." replied Discord.
"He's not super strong or fast." added Rainbow Dash.
Both of them said at the same time, "And he's never been pranked!"
If there was a rare moment in Equestria's history, it was Rainbow Dash and Discord seeing eye-to-eye on a common interest. Both suddenly got an idea; a rather awful and terrible idea. The looked into each other's eyes and said in unison, "Let's prank him!"
Discord's craw curled into a fist and contacted Rainbow Dash's hoof, which was their best attempt at a brohoof. Now that they were in agreement on the "what to do", they needed to figure out the "how to do it". Discord asked, "And how? I'm afraid my usual tricks won't work or I'll be outed real quick. I don't want Princess Twiggy Spergle to zap me with magic since she's one of his biggest fan-mares.
"Hey, lighten up on the name calling, Discord! Only us mares we can mess with each other like that."
Discord put on a mocking "I'm offended" pose before asking, "What?! Am I not a friend? Hmm, my mistake, I guess friendship isn't magic after all."
She rolled her eyes before saying, "It is, but don't call Twilight names. She's one of the reasons you're not in stone still."
That shut Discord up on the matter before he said, "Fine. Point taken, but that still leaves the fact I'll be found out if I directly mess with Anonymous. This needs to be done with a touch of stealth and trickery. I can do the trickery part, but I'm not a subtle guy. It's too...boring."
"That's for sure. Everypony knows when you're trying to be stealthy. Even Pinkie Pie can tell when he's hiding in a box."
"Yeah, yeah, leave the stealth to me." said Rainbow Dash,
Discord snapped into existed a thinking cap with a light blub on top and sat on his pink cotton candy cloud. Rainbow Dash was about to sit on her cloud but was surprised a rather loud fart noise came from beneath her. It was one of Pinkie Pie's whoopie cushions and she had no clue how it got there.
Discord started laughing before he took the whooping cushion and inspected it. He took note of the three balloon cutie mark on the prank toy before saying, "Well, well, looks like your friend Pinkie Pie got one on you. It's a classic trick but I'm afraid Anonymous won't fall for it. And if he does? Whoopie doo! Nopony will really care and he'll shrug it off. He's a town favorite for crying out loud! We need something more..."
Then it hit Rainbow Dash like the ground did to her whenever she failed a Wonderbolt Stunt. While a whoopie cushion wouldn't be enough, the spirit of the prank was good. It just needed the stakes to be raised and she knew Discord would be able to provide the means. She smugly said to Discord, "I got the perfect prank. Wanna hear it?"
Discord threw the lightbulb thinking cap away and asked, "Well, spit it out already! I need to get him away from Fluttershy. He's taking up the time I could be having tea with her."
"Well..." Rainbow Dash motioned for Discord to come closer to her. He snapped and materialize next to her before the mare hovered in the air with her wings flapping. She began whispering into his ear what the plan was and he loved every second of what he was hearing. The sheer idea was not only brilliant but devious. If he didn't know any better, Rainbow Dash could probably be his substitute for the day should he need to take a break from being Chaos Lord.
After hearing the plan, Discord backed up and rubbed his claw and paw together and said, "Oh my! Now THAT is a good idea. Okay, I'll provide the stuff and-"
Before he could finish, Discord snapped into existed a green potion bottle with a nasty brown mushroom cloud on the label. Rainbow Dash didn't need to be a chemist to figure out what that was and she prayed to Almighty Faust that nopony would ever drink such a vile liquid.
"Well, except for Anonymous, because buck him! That's why!"
"-you get him to drink it. Be stealthy and what not, and we'll let it play out. I'll make sure he can't stay indoors nor his house."
"And don't let him leave Ponyville. Or else he'll just flee into Whitetail Woods or Everfree Forest and do the deed there."
Discord snapped a special barrier spell around Ponyville, which meant only Anonymous would be affected. Discord was sure that neither Twilight Sparkle nor Starlight Glimmer would notice it. And if they did detect it somehow, it would likely be too late for them to help Anonymous.
"Done. Also, he's not going to be able to control it, nor expel it early. It's all randomly timed and even I have no clue when he'll rip it. You and I can simply watch from above and let the fireworks happen!"
Both of them laughed like villains before Rainbow Dash said, "And finally, Anonymous will be taken down a notch! This will be sweet!"
Discord snapped two gas masks into existence and said, "It will be stinky for sure but we'll be unaffected. That said, Anonymous isn't stupid. If I know anything about humans, it's that they have a tendency to figure out stuff."
This confused Rainbow Dash as she asked, "Uh...how do you know? Anonymous is the only human in Equestria and nopony has ever seen one before him."
The Draconequis shrugged and said, "It's a hunch really, I can't explain it but I just...know. Anonymous obviously isn't the only human to have ever existed, which means he's just the only one ever known to be in our world. But mark my words, he's going to be a challenge but I think this plan you've devised just might be his match."
He snapped into existence a copy of himself and Anonymous. Discord checkmated Anonymous in a chess match and the man shouted, "Nooooo!" before poofing away into fart cloud, with said fart sound effects included. Rainbow Dash laughed at the illusion which made the Discord clone bow down to her applause before disappearing. With the potion in hoof, Rainbow Dash said, "Okay, I'll go find Anonymous and "share a friendly drink" with him. You just stay out of sight or something. If we're seen together, it might be suspicious."
Discord nodded before saying, "Agreed. He's probably still at Fluttershy's house, so I'd check there first. I'm going to set up some clouds and other hiding spots around town for us to watch and track Anonymous. He's probably going to move about because of the gas potion. Meet me at his house when you're done."
Rainbow Dash couldn't believe she was collaborating with Discord of all creatures, but the circumstances dictated it. Her boredom and envy of Anonymous called for the rare collusion of her former enemy, now turned "friend". She took off at speeds only Rainbow Dash could accomplish, leaving Discord alone on his pink cotton candy cloud. Discord rubbed his claw and paw together and menacingly chuckled, "And that is what you get for taking Fluttershy away from me, Anonymous."
Before he could laugh any further, he noticed something. To his left, a few hooves away, was Ditzy "Derpy" Do, staring at him with her adorable crossed eyed look. Sweat beads starting forming as she smiled and said, "I heard everything you said."
He facepalmed before asking, "What will it take for you keep you quiet?"
She put a hoof to her muzzle and asked, "Hmmmm....How about a muffin? Can you give me one?"
"Dang, that's a cheap price for silence."
He nodded and asked, "Which kind?"
She immediately replied, "Blueberry!"
He snapped a single blueberry into existed which she happily took. She made an adorable squealing noise not too dissimilar from a squealing toy that a pet would bite before she started to fly away with her muffin treat. Discord then asked, "Wait, hold on a minute. Why only a muffin?"
She smiled and said, "Because I love muffins! And also because Anonymous turned me down when I confessed my feelings to him. He said he wasn't willing to be a step dad to my daughter, Dinky, and that hurt my feelings! I think it was because of my eyes. His loss though, I know my worth and he's not gonna get this single mother's sweet pegasus plot. He blew his chance with me and now he's going to blow his pants! I'll keep my mouth shut and keep Dinky inside our house. Good luck and thanks for the muffin!"
Discord could only look at the cross-eyed pegasus mare with a deadpan look. It was frankly too much information that he didn't need to know and he regretted asking. The mare flew away towards her house and Discord sighed before saying to himself, "I don't get why mares think he's hot. Oh well, this is going to be one hay of a dung storm...which means wonderful chaos!"
Any worries he had melted away as he snapped his paw and materialized to other places around Ponyville. Discord had to set up the observation posts around Ponyville and made his way towards Anon's house. He couldn't wait for the big boom and more importantly, the look of embarrassment on Anon's face.
The day was only just beginning.
Author's Note
Alright! So the plan in in motion and the poor sap, known as Anonymous, has no clue what's in store for him. Place your bets on what will happen folks! I am winging this story as I go along. I'll update as soon as I can.