Over Nine Thousand Weasels
"Oh dear."
Fluttershy stared despondently into the underbrush. There was clearly a tunnel visible through the tangle of vines and bramble blocking the path, and it was easily wide enough for a pony to pass through. Getting through all of that would be unpleasant, but the thought of a few scrapes and scratches didn't scare her. It was the tunnel, and what was on the other side, that concerned her.
Still, she had a job to do. As Equestria's chief critter wrangler, a title she came up with herself that conveyed absolutely no official power, she had both a duty and a responsibility to get that critter out of there.
She pushed her way through the thicket. The tunnel wound its way into the earth, twisting and turning until it emerged into an open cavern. The space was dimly lit by a shaft of sunlight shining through an opening in the roof. In the center was a large pool, and standing in front of the pool was a weasel.
"Now come on, Vin," said Fluttershy, for that was the weasel's name. Vin Weasel. "You know you can't play in here."
The weasel, however, just smiled at her, a wide grin that showed off his big weasely teeth. It was a disarming, innocent smile. It was a smile that seemed to say: "My name is Vin Weasel, and you can trust me completely. I am up to absolutely no mischief whatsoever."
Fluttershy, however, had seen that smile before, and she wasn't going to fall for it. Not this time. She knew this weasel, and she knew all too well what sort of mischief he was capable of. Vin Weasel was a crafty and audacious weasel, a weasel amongst weasels. He might even have been the most weasely of all the weasels. He had killed thousands, and he would kill again. Well, not really, but he was still a troublemaker. His pranks had caused the critters of the Everfree Forest no end of misery. Today, Fluttershy had resolved to put a stop to it.
"That's not going to work this time, buster," said Fluttershy. "Now, you know perfectly well that you're not supposed to be in here. It's time for you to come back home to the weasel cottage."
The weasel cottage was a specially built hutch that Fluttershy had designed herself. It was a sort of cottage, but a cottage for weasels. A weasel cottage, if you will. Actually, the name is sort of self-explanatory. You can probably just forget that you even read this paragraph.
Vin Weasel just smiled again, turned, and dove into the pond with a giant splash.
"No, stop!" exclaimed Fluttershy helplessly. But it was too late. A moment later, two Vin Weasels emerged from the pool. They both smiled at her.
Fortunately for Fluttershy, she was an adept weasel-spotter, and knew exactly which weasel was the real Vin Weasel. She turned to him and fixed him with The Stare.
Unfortunately for Fluttershy, Vin Weasel was an adept stare-resistor, and so it had no effect on him. It didn't really work on the other one either. Actually, come to think of it, Fluttershy hadn't really used The Stare in a long time, and she was a bit rusty at it. Perhaps she should have devoted a bit more time to practicing her stare, and a bit less time taking night classes in weasel-spotting.
In any case, it didn't matter. Both weasels simultaneously turned and dove into the pool. A moment later, four smiling weasels emerged. Then eight. Then sixteen. And so on and so on, until eventually there were too many to count. Fluttershy was really beginning to regret not blocking this tunnel off; every time somecritter came in here something wacky ended up happening.
Two Weeks Later:
Meanwhile, at the Town Hall at the center of Ponyville, Mayor Mare was in her office, plotting her campaign.
"So, how are things looking?" the Mayor asked.
Creamy Goodness, a serious-minded earth mare who happened to have an extremely silly name, skimmed over the papers spread out on her desk.
"Well, it's actually looking pretty good so far," she said. "You're running for Governor of Ponyville, which is one rank higher than Mayor. However, since the entire realm is actually governed by the Princesses, it turns out that both titles are completely meaningless. So, nopony else has even bothered to enter the race. You are currently running unopposed. The job is practically yours."
"Excellent," said the Mayor, rubbing her hooves together and grinning a devious grin. "This will be the easiest gubernatorial campaign in the history of Equestria."
"Well, that might be overshooting it a bit," Creamy Goodness cautioned her. "They've all been pretty easy. As I said, nopony really wants the job."
"Stop trying to bring me down," said the Mayor. "Can't you just let me have this?"
"I'm sorry, Mayor Mare."
Mayor Mare cleared her throat, glaring at her assistant.
"Oh, I mean, I'm sorry... Governor Mare."
"That's more like it. Now then, what's next on the agenda?"
"Well, I sent out mailers a few weeks ago saying that there would be a gubernatorial debate today. And since it's today, and since there are a bunch of ponies gathered outside the town hall building hoping to see a debate, I think we should probably go out there."
"That sounds like a plan," said the Mayor.
And so, the two of them went outside. As Creamy Goodness had clarified earlier, she had sent a bunch of mailers out a few weeks prior, promising that there would be a gubernatorial debate today. And since it was now the day that had been specified in the mailers, all the ponies of Ponyville had gathered outside the Town Hall, hoping to see a gubernatorial debate. Actually, I think the dialogue pretty much conveyed all that. You can probably just forget that you even read this paragraph.
Mayor Mare made her way to the podium.
"My fellow Equestrians," she said, in the most gubernatorial voice she could muster. "I stand before you today hoping to become your next Governor. I had intended to debate my opponent today, in hopes of convincing you of the thing I just said. However, since my opponent does not exist, I feel that I have already won the debate. Let us all now applaud and congratulate me for having debated myself so well."
"Not so fast!"
Everypony gasped, and turned to see the speaker of the voice who just spoke. The voice-haver. The guy who just said the thing. And it turned out that the guy was actually not a guy at all, but a weasel. A smiling weasel, who was wearing a suit. You can probably just forget that you read this paragraph, too.
Sure enough, standing at the podium opposite the Mayor, was a weasel. Not just any weasel, but a weasel wearing a suit. He had an obsequious smile plastered across his face, a smile amongst smiles, the smile that had launched a thousand ships. Are you seriously still reading this dreck? Really? You are? Well, I guess I'll keep typing, then.
Anyway, the weasel was smiling and he had a suit on. I think we've established that much at least.
"Fillies and Gentlecolts," began the smiling weasel. "My name is Vin Weasel, and I would like to be your governor."
Another weasel, who looked exactly like the first weasel, approached the weasel and handed him a tasty beverage. A third weasel, who looked just like the other two, approached and handed the first weasel some index cards. Several other weasels, dressed in suits and wearing sunglasses, were posted as guards at strategic intervals around the town square.
"Creamy Goodness!" hissed Mayor Mare to her assistant. "What is the meaning of this?"
Creamy Goodness looked flustered.
"I-I'm sorry, Mayor!" she whispered. "I have no idea who this weasel is or where he came from!"
"You know perfectly well where he came from!" snapped the Mayor. "I specifically ordered all weasels to be confined to the weasel cottage for the duration of this campaign! Where is Fluttershy?"
Fortunately for the Mayor, Fluttershy was standing nearby for some reason.
"Um, excuse me, hi," she said in a quiet voice.
The Mayor glared at Fluttershy.
"I demand to know the meaning of this!" she said, gesturing toward the thing of which she desired to know the meaning. Which in this case was the weasel.
"Um, well," began Fluttershy. "It's, um, you see..."
"Oh, just spit it out already!"
"Well, the thing is, about two weeks ago, I was chasing this weasel who escaped from the weasel cottage. His name was Vin Weasel. Well, actually, I suppose it still is. Anyway, he escaped from the weasel cottage and jumped into the mirror pool and made a thousand copies of himself."
"Exactly one thousand?"
"Well, give or take. I am much better at weasel-spotting than I am at weasel-counting. But in any case, it was a lot of weasels. I tried to round them all up, but they outwitted me. Now it seems they've organized a gubernatorial campaign so that the original Vin Weasel can run for governor."
"But I'm running for Governor!"
"Yes, I think the idea was that he would run against you."
The Mayor turned her fiery gaze upon Creamy Goodness.
"You said I was running unopposed!"
"Well, yes, Mayor, I thought that you were," stammered Creamy Goodness. She flipped through some papers on the clipboard she held in her hooves. "Oh, yes, here it is. It turns out that a Vin Weasel entered the race at the last minute, exactly sixty seconds before the deadline. I'm afraid his candidacy is legal. You are no longer running unopposed."
"Thank you, Creamy Goodness, you have been a tremendous help," snapped the Mayor.
She turned to the crowd of ponies, most of whom looked rather confused by everything that was happening.
"Fillies and Gentlecolts," she began. "I am sorry. When I scheduled this gubernatorial debate, I did not expect I would actually have to debate anypony. Anyweasel. Anycreature. Whatever. However, it seems that this is going to be an actual debate."
"Are you going to debate or not?" called out one pony.
At the second podium, Vin Weasel cleared his throat.
"Fillies and gentlecolts," he said. "Esteemed horses and equines. Equus caballi and what have you. My name is Vin Weasel, and I am running for Governor."
"We've already established that!" called out another pony.
"You are correct, my esteemed pony," said Vin. "And so, even though I had another ten pages of preamble written, I think we can dispense with all of that. I am going to be blunt. Mayor Mare has run this city completely into the ground, and I want to change that. I want to run it upward. In the opposite direction from the ground. If you elect me for Governor, I promise to make Ponyville the greatest and most well-governed province in all Equestria!"
"Fine words," snapped the Mayor. "But what are your qualifications?"
"I am an articulate, smiling weasel wearing a suit. Those are pretty much the only qualifications a Governor needs."
There was a general murmur of agreement amongst the gathered crowd.
Mayor Mare was beginning to sweat.
"Well, yes, that's certainly true," she stammered. "But, have you ever held public office before?"
"Have you?" countered Vin Weasel.
"Well, yes, obviously I have. I am the current Mayor of Ponyville."
"Are you now? And if you don't mind my asking, how exactly did you obtain this position? Was there an election?"
The Mayor was now sweating profusely.
"Um, actually," she stammered. "I'm not sure. I'm just... the Mayor. I've always been the Mayor."
The weasel had a mischievous smile on his face.
"Tell me, Mayor," he said. "What is your cutie mark?"
The Mayor glanced briefly at her own hindquarters.
"It's a scroll," she said.
"And what does this mark signify?"
"Well, I'm not sure exactly..."
"You're not sure," chuckled the weasel, flashing his smile at the crowd. A few of the ponies chuckled along with him.
"Well, I'm the Mayor!" snapped the Mayor. "And usually a pony's cutie mark has something to do with their job, so presumably my cutie mark means that my special talent is being the Mayor."
"I see," said Vin Weasel. "And, if you don't mind my asking, when exactly did you receive this cutie mark?"
"Well, it appeared on my flank when I was a young filly."
"And you knew at this time that you were destined to be a Mayor?"
"Well, yes, I suppose so."
"And not a Governor?"
The Mayor opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. She had fallen into a trap.
Vin Weasel smiled triumphantly.
"Fillies and Gentlecolts," he began for like the fifth time that day. "I submit to you the following: the Mayor of Ponyville is not qualified to be the Governor of Ponyville because her special talent is being the Mayor, not the Governor. And, since I am the only other candidate, you therefore have no other option but to elect me, Vin Weasel, to be your Governor."
The ponies all murmured to each other that this argument made sense.
"But... I... the Governor... My stupid assistant said I was running unopposed!"
Mayor Mare could only stand at her podium, muttering incoherently and looking not a bit like the sort of pony that anypony would want for a Governor. It was at this point she realized the debate was over.
A month later, they all had an election. Everypony voted, and Vin Weasel won in a landslide. He became Governor, and Mayor Mare was forced to remain the Mayor. And that's the story of how Ponyville elected its first weasel Governor. Though I suppose the story pretty much conveyed that on its own. You can probably just forget you even read this paragraph.
The End.
Author's Note
Other than a couple of minor edits here and there, this is exactly what was submitted to the contest. I apologize profusely for what you have just read.
