I gasp as I trip and fall, cutting the weak stream of magic from my horn that was holding the bowl of cereal and spilling milk and sugary goodness all over the floor.
No!
A few tears escape my eyes as I scramble to minimize the damage. The carpet's already stained, and the spill is already spreading, but I can at least prevent the soggy cereal bits from melting into the floor.
Another mistake, Dinky, get it together, girl!
I can't keep making mistakes like this. Mom is counting on me! After all, I'm all she's got. The other ponies...well, I don't think they like Mom very much. I see them smile when she looks at them, but frown when she turns away. She thinks they all love her, but I know better.
I'm a big girl. I'm a smart filly. I'm not stupid.
So when mom got sick, I decided I had to take care of her. The doctor ponies were always mean to us. Always treated her different. Always treated me different, even though I'm not...like her. I never trusted them. So I didn't call them. I can take care of her myself.
I'm a big girl. I'm a smart filly. I'm not stupid.
For the past few weeks, I've been making her breakfast, helping her around the house, whatever she needs. She's been rather quiet recently, sure, but I think that's just part of being sick. Mom says that when ponies get sick, they get better, so I just need to help her out for now.
I haven't really had time to go to school. Helping mom is pretty much my whole life now. I've had to learn how to make simple meals, how to sort our mail, how to clean the house...it's been quiet a lot for such a little filly like me! Mom even started to smell a bit, so I had to help her take a shower. But I can do it.
I'm a big girl. I'm a smart filly. I'm not stupid.
I finish cleaning up the mess I made, and promptly mix up another bowl of cereal. I have to pour the very last drop of milk from the carton this time. I sigh as I realize not only does this mean that I have to get it right this time, but also that before tomorrow, I'll have to figure out grocery shopping too so I can get more.
It's okay, I think as I begin levitating the second bowl. Steady, steady...
My mom always taught me to "keep things steady". It was how she always wanted to live life, and how she wanted me to live my life. For ponies like us, she says, there's more challenges than there are for other ponies. So to take steadiness when you can, and keep it as long as you can.
Don't give up control.
I think that also has to do with why I want to take care of mom. Sure, not trusting doctors is part of it. But I think an even bigger part of it is just how much the idea of giving up control scares me. I just don't want something bad to happen to my mom. And If I'm not around, I can't make sure that doesn't happen.
I'm a big girl. I'm a smart filly. I'm not stupid.
And yet, once again, almost in the exact same spot, as I'm busy worrying and musing to myself about all these ridiculous concepts, I trip and fall yet again - this time far more violently. I have only a single moment to let out a scream before the bowl shatters on the ground, spilling its contents far more viciously than before.
NO!!!!!
Stupid, stupid Dinky! What is wrong with you? I begin to sob outright as I simply stare at the mess on the ground, unable to even begin to clean it up like I was able to before. There was no more milk. The mess was much greater. There was just no way I could do this without her help.
"Dinky, sweetheart, it's okay," I swore I heard her voice.
She was still laying down in the other room, so I didn't really know if she said it. I mean, I thought it was kind of weird, since if she was awake, she would have only just heard a crash. But I calmed myself and realized that yes, she surely did mean it, and that things really were okay.
My mom is always so forgiving.
I feel like I've messed up quite a few times, even before all of this. But mom never once was angry with me about it. She would always tell me that I'm going to grow up to be even smarter than her, and that I'm destined for great things and that everypony will respect me. Every time she comforts me, I feel those words again.
I'm a big girl. I'm a smart filly. I'm not stupid.
I feel a lot better now that I think about her words. Breakfast never was her favorite meal, after all. I'll go learn how to do "grocery shopping" by myself, and make sure she has a nice sandwich for lunch. I feel like the luckiest filly alive to have such a supportive mom.
I decide to go give her a hug to thank her.
Unfortunately, as I enter the room, I see her still laying down. My heart sinks a bit as I realize she probably didn't actually utter those words of encouragement, and she must still be sleeping. She's been sleeping a lot recently. I must have imagined those words coming from her.
But that doesn't make them any less real.
It doesn't make them any less real because I imagined them coming from her based on how she's always been. I know that no matter what, from now until she gets better, mom will be there to support me. I'm sure that if she had been awake, she would have said the exact same thing. I'm strong enough to know that.
I'm a big girl. I'm a smart filly. I'm not stupid.
I give her a small kiss on the cheek anyway. While I'm certainly disappointed that she wasn't awake yet, I hope she can feel that kiss, in whatever dream world she's in. I don't bother saying anything, though. That doesn't really seem to matter. Whenever I talk to her these days, she usually doesn't respond.
I mean, she hasn't really said much of anything at all since she stopped breathing a few weeks ago. But I'm sure she'll be fine when she wakes up.
