America Kneads Rarity

by abrony-mouse

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Random, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1033

When Kimono defends kittycide, Filly Anon sides with the cats and their fearless leader, Rarity

When Kimono defends kittycide, Filly Anon sides with the cats and their fearless leader, Rarity. Also, she's a streamer.

Anon in America fic (with pony twist). Rarity version is G3. Kimono is G3.

Mild politics tag. Image is ai.

This obeys the MLP-universe rule because it has direct references to canon/fan characters and also references pony stuff. I write ponier stuff normally.

Published 2024-09-13 16:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-09-13 16:20:00 UTC

Chapter 1

"You're not going."

Filly Anon pouts up at her owner. "But Colonel Mittens is relying on me!"

The bedroom door has already been slammed.

With a 'hmmph' she resumes streaming. Her eyes flick to her catcord chat, ignoring the emojis and repeated name-calling of 'Kittypet'.

Tilly Today at 19:52
Don't throw your fur away. Kimono already won

Coco Today at 19:52
cos she sacrifices to the dark lord! (edited)

Willow Today at 19:52
duck?

Cleo Today at 19:52
lol duck

Missy Today at 19:52
@Coco duck?

Belle Today at 19:52
message removed by moderator

With a quick check of her camera, Filly Anon repositions her headset. Wearing cat ears while having pony ears made things complicated.

"You guys see that?"

A faintly gratifying flood of yesses.

"What are Kimono-loving owners?"

The screen fills with pussy emojis.

Cats weren't on the fence about Rarity, and with her chat being all cats, nor was she. There was a general stroke in Rarity's favour, with cats everywhere rallying behind their leader.

Filly Anon had to be at the rally, and she had to stream it. It wasn't purely for clout. Her pony friends were all agreed that without their commander in chief, the Kimono-lovers would fall into a frenzy which could only end with their muzzles on the dinner plate.

"What do we do to Kimono-loving owners?"

This time chat was more inventive. Filly Anon's eyes fill with the wonderful, liberating sight of beautiful wands.

Using ai, a few of the cats had added themselves into pictures with Rarity valiantly astride them. Her own avatar, commissioned rather than ai, showed a grim-faced Rarity on her back, pump-action IMI STAR-21 aimed at the screen. There were a few ponies like her in the chat, and one or two dragons and griffons, but in solidarity they posted catified versions of themselves, all featuring Rarity and wands.

Theodore Today at 19:55
We despise the consumption of felines. You are a jejune trichobezoar.

Izzy Today at 19:55
kim?

Mika Today at 19:55
kimono alert!

Hana Today at 19:55
mods?

Theodore Today at 19:55
jk

Missy Today at 19:56
@Theodore troll?

Turning away from her chat, Filly Anon sees a red symbol pop up—a private message from Mittens. She sends the invite in flash.

"Guys! Mittens wants to share a few words before the rally!"

He had mentioned he might do that to raise awareness. Hers was one of the bigger streams, but it was still surprising to have a public figure. He was a regular on Fox.

"Meow, comrades."

The chat fills with raised paw emojis.

"Make America Yowl Again."

The chat fills with hats.

"We were just talking about what a cat should do when their owners hate the R45," Filly Anon simpers.

The dignified ginger tabby growls, only for his owner, who is petting him, to stop. After a momentary purr, he resumes.

"An unfortunate situation for any cat..." He pauses. "Or cat-ally."

"Yeah, my owner totally just came in and banned me from going to Four Seasons," Filly Anon interjects, referring to the site of the rally.

The shaggy head shakes sadly. "You've told them that you don't want to be eaten?"

Filly Anon nods. She was not one of those ponies.

"You've told them that only a wall can prevent a drug-filled criminal from sinking their fangs into your soft flesh?"

"Yeah! And I told him that everyone knows Twinkler got eaten by one last week."

"Terrible." The whiskers droop. "They have clearly been brainwashed by the ki-bal."

Everypet knew that the world was run by a small gang of ultra-powerful special interests, so named because they put nano-machines in pet food.

"There is only one thing for it..."

Filly Anon couldn't believe her ears. She knew what was coming next.

"I have dispatched the T-minator to your location. Mittens out."

Filly Anon squeals. This was the dream! The T-minator was the giant tabby which Rarity herself rode. It was armed with two giant wands, in addition to Rarity's Dragunov SVDS. It could blast a Kimono-lover from miles away.

Pumpkin Today at 20:00
omg

Smudge Today at 20:00
seriously?

Boo Today at 20:00
Hey cat-tube! :)

Bubbles Today at 20:01
I'm coming too!

Fudge Today at 20:01
you go filly!

Filly Anon rushes about, letting the stream run while she readies herself for the arrival of her paragon.

Filly MOD Today at 20:01
@Fluffy Just donated 200B! "MAYA! Wear your pink collar!"

As it was a donation, this message was read out loud.

The diamond encrusted collar was a gift from her owner and she feels a pang of guilt. The T-minator was famous for eating those of Rarity's opponents that survived the glitter-fire from its ordinance.

Before Kimono, she and her owner had got on. He petted her. She was petted. It was the perfect relationship. But everything had changed when they started eating cats.

Filly MOD Today at 20:03
@Fuzzy Just donated 500B! "Don't do this, Filly Anon! Think of all the good times."

Filly Anon, now with collar on, turns away from the camera to wipe a tear. Those times were over. Now was war.

She turns back to make the 'V' salute of all e-pets. Chat fills with the traditional 'uwu' response.

Filly Anon's cat-ears tremble as the monstrous tread of the T-minator outside disturbs the suburban quiet.

A car alarm goes off at the end of her street.

Boom. Boom!

A Kimono-ite scream is cut-off as the glitter-cannons sound.

Her heart in her mouth, Filly Anon turns to the window. There, silhouetted against the American street light, is her pink paragon—chiseled jaw-line set and wand glorious.

Her hoof finds her ear for a proper salute. Rarity turns and acknowledges briefly. Then, with a swipe of the T-minator's paw, the window explodes and she is carried onto his mighty back, joining the army of pets already there.

Anon turns the TV off. He and his pet filly had been watching the debates, which had been a let down. Clearly, however, she had fallen asleep.

As he strokes the soft fur of the green head, he sees her hoofsies twitch and knead, cat-like, and wonders what she's dreaming about.