Pinkie Pie's Jazz Club

A request by njits23:

Twilight investigates where her crystal castle's plumbing goes.

Twilight was a prim and proper pony: neat, polite, a tad prudish. She didn’t swear, she didn’t make jokes about sex, she thought private affairs were best kept private. During long trips, when she heard the call of the little filly’s room, she would hold off until her party found an outhouse.

But one day, shortly after she became an alicorn, Twilight and Spike were enjoying a nature walk in the hills surrounding Ponyville when Twilight started to feel an uncomfortable pressure in her nether regions. A warning that while hydration was important, she probably should not have drank an entire pot of tea before departing on her walk. And there she was, at least an hour away from the nearest facilities.

But, she was alone other than Spike, well out of sight of any possible observer. Much as it chafed her sense of propriety, she didn’t see the harm in stepping off the trail and relieving herself in the bushes. She told him to turn around, and stepped out of sight.

Something splashed on the ground, and every plant in a fifty yard radius burst into bloom. Bushes and trees alike exploded into riots of color, as radiant flowers competed with ripe fruit for space on the branches. Ferns grew to the size of saplings, weeds transmuted into grains, and an apple seed lying on the ground put out roots. In a matter of seconds, the seed had become a sapling, then a tree, then rich with the finest apples anypony had ever seen. They fell from the sky like rain, the manifestation of nature’s bounty.

“Twilight!” Spike screamed, dodging apples that fell from the sky like missiles. “What’s happening!?”

“I don’t know!” Twilight screamed back, panic in her voice. Then, “No don’t turn around I’m not done!”

Alicorn waste is the most magical substance known to Equestria -- to the degree one considers alicorns a natural part of the world. Most griffon scholars did hold it was “a little bit weird” for ponies to spontaneously grow new limbs because they did friendship super well, but nobody counted their opinion.

“It’s perfectly alright,” Celestia attempted to reassure Twilight, assuming a soft and soothing tone. “Earth pony magic can bless natural processes, and it’s natural for animal waste to return nutrients to the plants around them. If you ask your earth pony friends, I’m sure most of them will have a story about some time they urinated on a plant and it burst into bloom. It’s the same with you, you’re merely somewhat more powerful than the average earth pony.”

“This is mortifying,” Twilight sat with her face in her hooves, afraid to touch the tea she’d been offered for what it might lead to in a few hours. “If I poop in the average pony’s toilet my waste will eat through the pipes.”

“You will learn to control your earth pony magic in time,” Celestia assured her. “But as you will eventually be twice the size -- and twice the weight -- of the common pony, you might find using ordinary restrooms difficult. I can send you some royal staff who have experience planning around that particular indignity.”

That remark made Twilight even more embarrassed, her cheeks burning red as she tucked her wings around her. “I’m going to have to schedule my bathroom breaks.”

“Nopony ever said being a princess would be easy,” Celestia teased, with a small smile. “Though I do have one question. To where do the toilets in your crystal palace empty? Excessive buildups of highly magical material can be dangerous, or even lead to an explosion. If the toilets lead to a septic tank or cistern of some kind, you will need to get it emptied regularly.”

“Emptied?” Twilight frowned. “But where would I find a pony able to safely remove that much… hazardous material?”

Twilight stuck her head in the front door of the farmhouse at Sweet Apple Acres: “Hey, Applejack, you want to buy my crap?”

Applejack didn’t look up from her paper: “Twilight, I ain’t bought anything you said in the last five years and I’m not starting now.”