Ponies Don't Eat Your Pets
"Vicious Killers," the Television Host Said
In a television studio, a little purple alicorn flapped her wings to emphasize her point. "Ponies are vegetarians!" she shouted. "We don't eat your pets!"
She wanted to look and sound serious, authoritative. But whether sitting in or standing upon a chair sized for humans, at best she resembled a small, talking animal.
"Oh, really?" a human interviewer said. "But you 'Equestrians' do look a lot like cats. Don't cats eat meat? And I've seen a LOT of people saying on social media that you DO eat people's pets."
Twilight Sparkle growled. "I thought this was a serious news program, not a rumor mill for idiots!" She stomped one hoof. "I never should have put Rainbow Dash in charge of booking my media appearances."
The interviewer reached up to slick his hair back. "Rainbow Dash? Isn't she the one who uses 'magic' to turn schoolchildren gay and trans?"
Twilight snorted. "I can only wish. Rainbow is the straightest pony I've--HAY! Stop changing the subject!"
"Ok, so maybe we should talk about how ponies are plotting to destroy America's economy by giving out health care potions and magic-powered cars for FREE."
***
Near Boltfield, Ohio, an Equestrian pony skulked through a forest, magically levitating a crowbar in front of her.
From somewhere up ahead she heard a twig break, followed by a soft snuffling. She dropped into a crouch, and crawled forward beneath the cover of dense shrubbery.
When she reached a gap where she could peek out, she beheld a creature at least twice as tall as a human, its core and eyes glowing with sickly green light.
An animated pile of tree trunks and branches and twigs, motivated by anger and hatred. A timberwolf.
***
"That's all very well to say." The interviewer frowned. "But the fact is, ever since a portal from Equestria appeared in Ohio, America has been plagued by problems. Immigrants. Freeloaders. Criminals, murderers, carjackers and drug smugglers."
"What about all the humans who keep coming to Equestria and--"
"Ponies stealing our jobs. Collecting benefits from the government, to do work HUMANS should be doing."
"IS it MY fault humans aren't any good at managing your own weather?"
"And now, ponies EATING our pets! Our poor little cats and dogs, turned into pony snacks!"
Twilight opened her mouth as wide as she could, and gestured at her teeth with one forehoof. "Woog at--" She closed her mouth. "I mean, look at my flat little teeth. Obviously not a carnivore. Are these the teeth of a killer? I should be more afraid that a dog might eat ME."
The interviewer pointed at the studio's back wall, upon which (in the computer processed video seen outside the studio, but not visible to Twilight Sparkle) a colored graph of completely unsourced data appeared. "In the part of Ohio nearest the portal, unexplained pet disappearances have increased by over ten thousand percent. It MUST be ponies. Vicious, man eating animals, who deceive the gullible by TALKING with their unnatural, Satan-gifted voices. What else could possibly explain America's new 'pet holocaust?'"
Twilight's face turned red with anger. "To START with, cheapening the memory of the real Holocaust is--"
***
From somewhere high above her, the crowbar levitating pony heard a sad little mew. Another mew, and another.
The timberwolf had trapped a cat in a tree. The wolf stood up on its hind legs, placing its forelegs on the tree...and pushed. It pushed again, harder. The tree creaked. With one swipe of an enormous paw, the monster knocked the cat out of the tree and onto the ground below.
"Die, you kitten hurting monster!" screamed the little pony, magically stabbing its crowbar into the back of the timberwolf's head. The crowbar thrust and tore, again and again.
The timberwolf turned around to leer at the pony, fanged jaws open wide.
The pony levitated the crowbar out from the back of the timberwolf's head, and stabbed at a glowing eye. The eye's glow dimmed, then went dark.
With its one remaining eye, the timberwolf noticed the soft gleam of the pony's horn. The timberwolf stepped forward, lowering its head to look more closely.
The pony tried to pull the crowbar out of the monster's eye socket to attack again...but the weapon was stuck!
The pony crawled slowly backwards, but with a leap, the timberwolf pinned the little fighter beneath one paw. The pony whined at first, but as the timberwolf's weight pressed all air out of the pony's lungs, she could no longer breathe. In the pony's narrowing vision, she thought she saw a dark, shadowy shape, coming up from her left.
A gleaming blade slashed at the timberwolf's leg, severing a strip of bark that served as a tendon. "Nous nous revoyons, mon ami," a voice said in some foreign tongue. "Ne vous inquiétez pas, j'ai apporté ma machette." The timberwolf tottered sideways, removing enough pressure to let the pony gasp for breath.
The dark figure laughed, as it slashed at the timberwolf again and again with a three foot steel blade.
The timberwolf collapsed. Working tirelessly, the pony and human broke up the wooden monster into thousands of tiny pieces.
The dark figure said, "C'est bien pour le bois de chauffage, je pense. Nous ne voulons pas qu'il revienne un jour."
"Thank you for your help," said the pony. "I'm sorry I don't know your language. Is it some dialect of Prench?"
The dark figure bowed. "Wel-coume."
From at least three different directions, bright beams of light pierced the forest. A man shouted, "Freeze!"
Men in tan police uniforms shuffled into the glade, twigs crackling beneath their woods-clumsy feet.
Where the cat had fallen, a man in a tan police uniform knelt. "Found it! The cat they killed. They really DO eat cats. Poor little fluffy dear." He sniffled, wiping his tears with one hand. "Vicious murderers. If I had my way, every pony AND everyone who ever helps a pony would get the death penalty."
"Oh no," the pony whispered. "What do we do?"
The dark skinned human holding the machete whispered, "Cours. (Run.)" With an explosive burst of motion, the pony's rescuer fled deeper into the forest. The pony tried to follow, bullets whizzing past.
During the police chase, the timbwerwolf's ignored, forgotten fragments rustled now and again, as if slowly beginning to reassemble.
If only the pony and her human ally had been permitted to burn the monster to ashes! But not all good wishes come true.
***
"Some of you humans are really disgusting," Twilight Sparkle chided. "You ignorant moron, have you ever even NOTICED a real fact?"
The human interviewer pointed an accusing finger. "But at least WE don't turn the frogs into gay oranges!"
Author's Note
This story might be a sequel to the LESS POLITICAL My Little Dashie's Teenage Rebellion, In Which She Tells Her Daddy That His Plan To Keep Her 'Safe' SUCKS, but you don't have to read the prequel to understand this story.
