The sun shone brightly outside the School of Friendship’s windows, bathing the floor’s tiles in a warm glow. Ocellus pressed onward, her hoofsteps echoing through the normally-bustling halls. After all, it was a Friday afternoon, which meant most of the other students would be making use of their after-school hours to slack off.
Normally, Ocellus and her friends would be doing just that. Whether they’d be indulging themselves at Sugarcube Corner or hanging out by the lake near their school, Ocellus would be happy to join them. That was unless they had a test or exam coming up, then it’d be up to her to pull off a study session like never before at the library.
Whatever it was her ragtag bunch of misfits would be up to, Ocellus was just happy she’d be with them. Even when Smolder and Gallus’ schemes end up blowing up in their faces. But today, she wasn’t going to be doing any of that. Nor would she be perusing the school’s library for her next great literary adventure, or making use of her head start to chip away at her next assignment.
Today, Ocellus would be doing something she hadn’t done in a while- pay the Guidance Counselor’s office a visit. The last time she’d been there was when Headmare Starlight was still Counselor Starlight, and… it was kind of silly, but she didn’t think she’d ever have gone back there if that was still the case.
Soon, Ocellus found herself by a pair of ornate double doors, with a pair of potted shrubs to either side of them. To the right was a frame hung up on the wall, but it didn’t seem to hold anything of significance. The hallway there was deserted too, and she was more than thankful for that. She wasn’t sure if she could handle any more questions...
Well, no point in wasting time then. Her heart taking a leap, Ocellus raised her right forehoof and gave the door a knock. No response. That was certainly odd, because she’d have thought it was still counselor working hours. Ocellus weighed her options: should she go and check, or would it be better to just leave and come back sometime after?
At a crossroads, Ocellus tried to think about the choice she should make. Even standing there seemed like an embarrassing social faux pas, and her two other choices seemed equally daunting. Hearing the sound of hoofsteps, she turned around and was greeted with the sight of a familiar blue unicorn pushing a small cart loaded with several cardboard boxes.
Upon noticing her, Counselor Lulamoon’s face lit up. “Oh, Ocellus! I’ve been expecting you. Why don’t you head inside?” At her behest, Ocellus pushed open both double doors, granting her and the counselor passage. “Come on, take a seat. What may the Great and Thoughtful Trixie do for you?”
Sitting down on the therapy couch thing, Ocellus planted her forehooves down in front of her, between her hind legs. “U-um hi, Counselor Lulamoon. So… there’s been something on my mind lately. I was wondering if you might be able to help with that, if it’s not too much trouble?” said Ocellus.
“Oh please, just Trixie will do. And please don’t worry about it, it’s my job after all! So, what exactly has been bothering you? If it’s about last week, Trixie could-” Trixie began before being cut off by her changeling client.
“W-wait, no! It’s… not about that, actually,” interjected Ocellus. Rubbing a hoof against her other foreleg, she stared off to the side, before forcing her gaze back to Trixie. “So, have you heard of the Ship of Theseus?”
“Oh, who hasn’t? The old Thracian king of yore, and his infamous vessel! The way it’s been slowly replaced over the years, until none of the original ship was left. But did you really just come all the way here to talk about a mere philosophical conundrum?” asked Trixie.
Bowing her head for a moment, Ocellus let out a sigh. “Yeah, it’s… about me, actually. As a changeling, my concept of identity isn’t-”
A burst of magical flames engulfed the changeling from head to hoof. In an instant, she had assumed her pony form. “-particularly solid, actually.”
Looking back at Trixie, Ocellus brushed her hoof through her mane, quite a bit longer than her usual frills. Trixie gave an approving nod, which seemed to be the green light she needed.
“Growing up back at the hive, I didn’t really have a real sense of self. I suppose being a shapeshifter might have something to do with it, but that couldn’t have been it. Even under Chrysalis’ reign, we had names and identities and all. ”
“It was like everyone was so sure of who they were, and who they wanted to be. But not me. The name I had… just didn’t feel like me. Sometimes, I’d feel like I was in the backseat of my own life, an outsider looking in. Or that my life was just one giant illusion, and it would all vanish if I closed my eyes.”
Hearing her words, Trixie gave a sympathetic look. Grabbing a clipboard with a few pieces of paper and a pencil attached, she levitated it over to Ocellus. “Trixie remembered now that you were supposed to get this- to air out the bad thoughts. Now, draw whatever’s on your mind.”
“I don’t feel like drawing with my mouth right now, so here I go...”
With another burst of magic, Ocellus’ form shifted once more. Where once were hooves were now claws, and scales where there once was fur. Now sporting a pair of horns and an equally draconic pair of wings plus tail, Ocellus was now a dragon. She shrugged.
“Yeah, no worries. The Great and Powerful Trixie appreciates the dexterity of opposable thumbs and all their benefits.” Grabbing the clipboard and pencil, Ocellus tried to draw something. There was a hoof, and a wing, and a claw, and…
“So what it may be that Trixie’s delightful patient has conjectured up from her talents? Hm, that’s a bit… abstract? ” Upon seeing the finished work, Trixie seemed a bit taken aback. Ocellus glanced back at her own handiwork, and did a double take.
The result seemed to be some kind of grotesque chimera consisting of several types of creatures mashed together. The beast was then obscured by a layer of scribbles, with a few question marks on the side. “I-I know it sucks, doesn’t it? I’m more of a writer, to be honest.”
As her words were spoken, Ocellus noticed Trixie giving her an awkward smile. “No, it’s fine. Trixie thinks it was a masterwork of art that certainly corresponded to complicated thoughts.”
“Also, I think someone who goes to see a counselor would actually be a client, not a patient?” Ocellus set down the clipboard, but kept the pencil clutched in her right claw.
Trixie shrugged. “Trixie does not particularly care for the semantics of such social conventions, but will gladly refer to her client as whatever she feels is best for herself!”
Already heading back to her desk, Trixie sat down and gazed back at her. “Now, I believe that she could just… continue to talk about herself?” The reaffirmation of eye contact made Ocellus tense up. She clutched the pencil harder, feeling the texture to ground herself.
“B-back when you, Thorax, Headmare Starlight and Discord helped free us from Chrysalis, we got… reformed, so to speak. Everyone else was so happy with their new bodies, always talking about how much they liked them.”
Ocellus broke her gaze away from Trixie. “Since everyone else did, I thought I had to feel the same. So I kept going on as I did before, but I felt so… empty. I felt so detached and numb to everything else. I could ignore my body for a while, but it’s much harder to ignore societal expectations.”
“Wait, are you comfortable talking about that? There’s no pressure, you can skip over that part if you want to.” While she appreciated it, Ocellus knew she would’ve come up eventually, and decided to proceed.
“I guess there’s no point in dancing around it. You already know about it, and so does everyone else. About the fact that… I’m trans.” Putting her legs up on the couch, Ocellus wrapped her arms around them. Her tail slinked in front of her protectively.
“Yes, and I believe sexual dimorphism in Changelings only really came about after Chrysalis’ defeat. So, would I be correct in assuming that the form you had gotten then was a major source of dysphoria?” asked Trixie.
“Yeah, it really was. We did still have biological sexes before, just that it wasn’t really obvious or anything. Even back then, I felt weirdly uncomfortable whenever someone called me a boy. But then my new body just felt ten times worse, with the voice and the limbs and the… everything.”
“One day, I finally had enough. I just couldn’t bear to live life that way anymore. I’d heard stories of others who’d… changed, and suddenly felt like maybe I was like them after all. So, I decided it was time to try something new, something… feminine.”
Trixie gave a comforting smile. “So, that’s how you found out. Then I assume you came out to the others next? Also, forgot to mention that you’re still a dragon.”
“Heh, oops. I probably should just…” A flash enveloped Ocellus, and she had been restored to changeling form once more. “Well, not quite. I went up to Thorax, and asked him if I could try out she/her pronouns. I was nervous, but he hugged me, and told me that he’d support me no matter what, but...”
Trixie’s expression shifted to one of concern. “Wait, so what did he say? Please don’t tell me it was something bad…”
“And then he reminded me that I was a changeling and I could just transform! That was really embarrassing. So, that’s what I did. I became Ladybug, the demure library dweller.” As if to demonstrate, she transformed back into her pony form.
“Oh, so that’s what you were called back then? Well then, I sorta like it. It’s pretty cute, but I could understand why you don’t go by it anymore,” said Trixie. “Oh, I might’ve asked something about why you didn’t just change into a more feminine changeling form… if I hadn’t been doing research.”
From behind her, Trixie pulled out a thick book entitled ‘Emergency Changeling Exposition’. Flipping over to a bookmarked page, she began to read its contents aloud. “As powerful as it might be, a Changeling’s ability to transform has its limitations.”
“First, a Changeling must analyze their target in order to adopt their characteristics. This means they cannot transform into creatures they have never been in the physical presence of. Second, there are some creatures Changelings cannot analyze or transform into due to various factors, be it due to raw magical concentration or complex genetic factors.”
Ocellus nodded. “Yeah, that includes Skyrosian Alicorns, Umbra… and even other Changelings. Unless you’re Chrysalis or have been empowered by an external magic source. So, that's why I couldn’t just do that.”
“So, I assume you did it the regular way?” asked Trixie. “Sorry if it’s rude to ask, but the book said that Changeling biology can almost completely rearrange itself with the right hormones, being able to completely rearrange bodies.”
“If by that you mean HRT, yes. Turns out Chrysalis can exude numerous types of hormones in the form of abstract energy orbs,” said Ocellus. “She didn’t really know what to do with it, so there’s a stockpile of it beneath the Royal Archives. Of course, it included estrogen.”
“But there was still a problem- it would take months for my base form to be fully altered by it. But, there was one way I could keep things going- who said I had to be a changeling?”
In a flash, her transformation flare engulfed her body once more. Her chitin gave way to a chartreuse yellow coat, while her frills became a teal mane. On her flank was a cutie mark of a ladybug. Now, Ocellus was a pony once more.
“So there I was. Ladybug, the lovable library dweller.” Ocellus sensed Trixie’s eyes taking in the freckles that dotted her face, as well as her buck teeth. While others would’ve been self-conscious about those, she certainly wasn’t. As Smolder would put it, they only “added to her nerdy charm.”
“For your first chosen name… I can’t say it was a bad choice honestly,” said Trixie. “A bit on the nose, but it’s not like us ponies don’t already do that.”
“Well, that lasted for a couple of months. Until I sort of felt different, like I was someone else now. And so then I became Wildfire, one day.” With her words spoken, Ocellus transformed once more. Well, she was a dragon now.
“Oh, not a bad choice for a… second name. Just a quick question, how many of these did you end up with?” asked Trixie.
With a flash, Ocellus transformed again. Now, she was a griffon. “Oh yeah, and then I was Martleline.”
“So, they last for a few months, you say?”
“Yeah.”
“Any specific time where you stopped doing that?”
Pondering Trixie’s words, Ocellus stewed on her response. “Well, almost a year had passed since I first realized. It was then that Thorax approached me and offered to let me study at the School of Friendship.”
“By that point, the daily estrogen orb absorption had already been doing wonders. When I returned to changeling form, I finally looked like… me. I was so pretty and-”
Trixie chuckled. “Yeah, must’ve been euphoric to finally feel like you, while also being in your own body.”
“Yeah, and then when I came here, I met all of my friends- and then you showed up too because Headmare Starlight hired you.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“No, I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, you’re actually pretty important too! Students’ mental health and all… plus you’re the only one on the staff who really gets me, y’know.” Ocellus said awkwardly.
“Well, I suppose it comes with the Great and Powerful package of lived experiences of being a trans mare,” said Trixie with a smirk. “Anyway, so is this all you wanted to talk about, or was there something else?”
“You know how I brought up the Ship of Theseus? I was wondering if I’m still the same person deep down, despite how many times I’ve changed,” asked Ocellus.
“Well, I can safely say despite everything, you definitely still are-”
“But that’s the problem! I don’t want to be who I was before…”
With a crestfallen expression, Ocellus gazed back at Trixie. “Back before we all transformed, I was a pretty shitty person. I had thoughts and beliefs that were so horrible, and there were even things I did-”
Ocellus sighed. “I just hoped that I’d eventually fully manage to wash away any remaining trace of the old me, so I wouldn’t have to think that… I might be a bad person underneath.”
Trixie pondered her statement for a moment. She had to choose her words carefully, or else she might end up screwing things up big-time.
“You can’t change your past no matter what you do. Despite how much I’ve grown and changed, I still can’t deny I used to be the weird colt nobody wanted to be friends with. But that didn’t have to be the end of it,” said Trixie.
“Every mistake I made along the way was just another step in the path to becoming Great and Powerful. So heed my words, Ocellus!
Even if your past rears its ugly head up, the Ocellus we know and love today will be able to beat it!”
“No matter what form I take?”
“No matter what form you take. It doesn’t matter, since we’ll all be there by your side.”
Ocellus smiled at Trixie’s words. It was a serene smile. “T-thanks, I already feel better about this.” Her smile wavered. “I still feel kind of worried about how everyone else sees me now…”
“Look, how you looked like when the Archlich cursed you… isn’t who you really are anymore. You’re you, and please, believe me when I say this. You’re not less than everyone else just because you’re transgender, no matter what some people might say.”
“I know some of the other students are a bit misinformed, but maybe I can get Starlight to put together a seminar about everything… to educate them. For what it’s worth, I’m sure your friends are already pretty supportive of you,” finished Trixie.
“Heh, I’ll be honest. When I first came into your office, I didn’t know what to expect. But you’ve really managed to help me through a lot of problems,” said Ocellus.
“Don’t fret about it, that’s what I get paid for anyway! But more importantly, I’m glad I was able to help you,” said Trixie.
Ocellus got off the couch, and stood on all fours again.
“Well, see you around, Counselor Trixie!” said Ocellus. Heading towards the double doors, she turned back to face Trixie. “And… Thank you for everything.”
As she left the office, Ocellus made sure to close the doors behind her. Walking back down the empty hallway, now framed in a gentle orange, there was a skip in her step.
She wondered what the others were doing, and hoped she could get there in time to join them in whatever antics they were pulling. After everything, Ocellus felt like a great weight had been lifted off her shoulders. There really was no doubt that this was who she was meant to be.
Author's Note
Quite a few aspects of the story were inspired by RB_'s Damselfly, mainly the part about the dispelling spell. Or really, Ocellus being trans in the first place.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/543803/damselfly
