Author's Note
Takes place in season one shortly after Fall Weather Friends. Hope you enjoy :)
Immediately Overwhelmed
"Are you sure you want to do this, tonight?"
"Of course, Spike! We've completed everything on the checklist. Why?"
"You just seem a little...frazzled?"
"Maybe a little, but I can be frazzled and ready at the same time. Besides, it would be rude to cancel on everypony so short notice."
Spike may have had his doubts, but I knew everything was as perfect as it could be.
I had the fireplace going, cracking its cozy aura into the air while adding some much needed warmth in contrast to the freezing rain noisily bouncing off the roof. I had a portion of the floor dedicated to the squishiest of cushions, and there were so many that it would be just as comfortable as my own bed to lay on the floor. I had a large selection of teas and hot chocolates for all possible preferences, and Spike had fresh chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven; I assumed they'd be the safest snack. I definitely did my research to ensure a successful night.
Since moving to Ponyville recently, I had already learned about how much more enjoyable life was with friends, as cheesy as it sounds. Sure, I had enough experience to know how to keep myself motivated and obsessed with my studies for several uninterrupted days or weeks at a time, but sometimes I found that my loneliness interrupted my workflow.
Friendship was still so new and scary for me, and I felt like I was fighting myself to not see it as just something new to study.
Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy.
These were my new friends, and although I was getting along with them really well, I had the sense that they already knew each other before I moved to Ponyville. I couldn't help but feel like I was barging in on their already formed friend group, and I was feeling insecure and maybe a little guilty. I didn't know how well they knew each other, but I wanted to find out and more so we could get closer, hence the slumber party I was planning for us all.
I got the idea a few weeks ago, when Applejack and Rarity needed shelter from the big storm that was going on. Maybe it was a little selfish of me to get excited about them having no choice but to spend a night at my house, but I used to dream about what it was like to have a slumber party when I was a filly. I was a little nervous when Applejack and Rarity seemed to be struggling with some kind of conflict I didn't understand, but everything turned out okay! We had a great time and the three of us had a much tighter bond after we hung out all night! Yeah, I was hoping to recreate that magic. I'd also read that ponies are psychologically more likely to be open and honest while late at night.
"Okay, Twilight. I'm really proud of you for doing this. I know these kinds of bigger gatherings can be a lot for you. I'm here if you need anything throughout the night." Spike said. He tightened his apron and started walking back to the kitchen, probably to check on the cookies.
It was about time for my friends so start showing up, and the nerves were kicking in. After several deep breaths, I tried to convince myself that my nervousness was actually excitement, for Rainbow Dash had pointed out to me a while go that the two feelings have almost identical sensations. It's a ritual for Rainbow Dash to remind herself this before her races or performances, which I find to be an impressive ritual. I've been trying to remember the things that my friends tell me.
There was suddenly some extremely rapid knocking on my door, which caused me to jump. Pinkie Pie didn't even wait for me to open the door before running in and then hugging me tight. I still wasn't very used to hugs, but I tried to hug back as tightly as I could. It was hard to breathe, but I think I matched her strength well enough.
Pinkie let me go, and then I noticed that she was wearing yellow cotton pyjamas with bright pink polka dots. My heart started painfully pounding, because it was then that I realized that I didn't specify in my invitations whether or not pyjamas was the dress code. The whole night could be in jeopardy.
Me, I was wearing a simple soft baby blue t-shirt, in an effort to come off as casual. I would normally go to sleep in a full patterned set, but I was worried about being seen as over-exaggerated for it. Seeing Pinkie's pyjamas, I was now wondering if I was underdressed. I didn't want this to come off as a sign of disrespect. A more serious issue was that it was possible that only some of my friends would think to wear pyjamas. It was obvious that if anyone didn't wear pyjamas, they would feel left out. This was a nightmare. I had to figure out how to fix this.
I did a mental scan of my closet and quickly realized I had enough sets of pyjamas that I could offer to my friends if anypony needed them. I let out a huff of relief and then jumped when I let my eyes focus enough to see Pinkie Pie's face taking up my entire vision. Everything was a quick-moving pink blur.
"Twilight? Twi? Did you hear me?" Pinkie's voice was sharply ringing in my ears. She was always in my personal space, it made me feel trapped and uncomfortable. However, I figured that part of being a good friend was learning to be okay with Pinkie's style of affection. I took a step away from her and felt a little like a failure. I kept my tone extra cheery to overcompensate.
"Sorry, Pinkie! I guess I was a little too in my head for a second! What did you say?" I giggled and then tried to fix my posture in an effort to feel less disorganized.
"I was just saying that it smells like the most tasty chocolate chip cookies in here! I can't wait to try them! Aaaah!" Pinkie was bouncing around, making the floors squeak. Pinkie Pie must've had a really good sense of smell to be that confident and correct about the cookies. I was getting too uncomfortable to be impressed. It was possible that I didn't mentally prepare enough for such loud excitement. Also, I wasn't skilled at one-on-one conversation.
"Oh um, haha. Yeah," I said. My voice was all high-pitched and weird. Not wanting to further expose my voice, as well as not having anything left to say, I just smiled. I tried to mirror Pinkie's bright smile, but it felt strangely stretched out on my face. To my relief, Pinkie Pie had irresponsibly left the door open, and so Rainbow Dash and Applejack had suddenly appeared inside without me having to let them in or greet them. Unfortunately though for me, neither of them were wearing pyjamas. The panic was rapidly rising up my throat.
"Guys! Guys! Did you see who touched the doorframe first? It was totally me, right?" Rainbow Dash said in between huffing and puffing. Applejack was out of breath, too.
"Y'all don't have to answer that. Rainbow definitely won fair and square."
"Ugh. It's no fun if you don't care." Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. As cool as it was to see that Rainbow Dash and Applejack had seemingly gotten better at friendly competition since The Running Of The Leaves, I was suddenly assigned the task of trying figure out the most appropriate way to offer them both pyjamas.
Pinkie, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash were chatting amongst themselves in a relaxed but noisy manner when Fluttershy timidly walked through the doorframe. To my absolute relief, she was wearing a comfortable looking pastel pink nightgown. I don't think I would've been able to handle another pony to my pyjama equation. Rather than greeting anypony, Fluttershy stayed silent and sat down on the floor to listen to the group conversation.
Rarity trotted in not too far behind, wearing a long cranberry red silk floral robe. She gracefully removed her wet boots from her hooves and replaced them with dark purple fluffy slippers that she was carrying with her magic. Applejack noticed Rarity's boots and complimented them, and so Rarity returned a squinty glance that made me question if there was some part of her that was offended. Those two seemed to frequently unintentionally hurt each other’s feelings, at least that was my perception. It was so stressful.
The loud chatter clunked around in my head. All my party guests had arrived, yet I still hadn’t properly greeted anypony because I couldn't figure out how to offer Rainbow Dash and Applejack pyjamas. I felt so silly. My legs were shaking like jello and it was becoming challenging to keep my hyperventilating subtle enough to avoid somepony noticing.
Rarity then made a concerned comment about the rain pouring in and closed my door with her magic to avoid messing up the floors. I couldn't make out her exact words. Rainbow Dash argued that the rain wasn't going to damage anything, and I wasn't sure if she was being playful or if she was actually angry. Rainbow often spoke with sarcasm and it was hard to decipher it. I needed to offer pyjamas, and then also drinks eventually. Was I being too professional? I wanted to kick all my friends out so I could get enough quiet to think.
"Sugarcube? Are you doing okay?" Applejack casually wrapped her hoof around my shoulders and I immediately pushed it away. I couldn't handle it. I had to make a good impression. I needed to prove that I was relaxed. I needed to prove that I could fit in with my friends. Pushing Applejack away was most likely not the best way to illustrate these points.
I was failing.
I suddenly noticed that all five of my friends were all gathered around me, watching with exaggerated concern as if they were showing it off on purpose. I forced a smile, but it just wobbled. Adding on to my growing misery, the attempted smile just forced out some of my embarrassment and panic. My shoulders were shaking, and I was sweating a lot. I had to do something. I had to do something before all the embarrassment and panic spilled out.
I had to forget trying to carry on with the plan perfectly and instead do it as quickly as possible so I could move on.
The pyjamas.
"Rainbow! AJ!" I practically shouted, my face growing hot. "Um, you girls need pyjamas? I have extras if you want! Haha!" I tried to regain balance.
"Oh uh, I'm good," Applejack shrugged.
"I would, but I doubt your pyjamas have wing holes like mine. It's all good, I just forgot. Thanks though, Twi." Rainbow flapped her wings, as if to prove how stupid I was to give such an offer. It didn't occur to me that they just wouldn't feel left out. My miscalculation filled me with dread instead of relief. I wasn't expecting so much conflict. I thought I had prepared properly for this.
My eyes were staring to well up with the most humiliating tears.
"Oh yeah! Sorry! How silly of me. I'm sorry." My voice was crumbling. All my friends were still staring, seemingly even more intensely than before. I wished they'd understand that attention was not what I needed.
"Um, I can take some if you want me to?" Applejack was blushing. I embarrassed her. Wait, did she think I was upset about the pyjamas? Should I have specified why I was actually upset? I wouldn't even know how to explain it. She wouldn't have understood anyways, and I would have probably sounded ridiculous. Everything was wrong.
I knew I was about to break down in front of my friends, and I couldn't let that happen.
"What's going on?" Spike's voice. He was poking his head out from the kitchen. The extra set of eyes was heavy on my chest. I accidentally let out a loud crackling gasp and I knew that I had only seconds before everything would bubble over. I tried to force the rest of my energy into teleporting myself away. I wasn't an expert on teleportation, so I didn't have the most confidence in my success rate or the location accuracy. Squeezing my eyes shut, my horn grew warm with swirling magic as I vividly visualized my bedroom.
I suddenly felt some wind and then droplets on my face. Oh no. Tears?
No, I was outside in the pouring rain. I squinted upwards to see that I had made it right next to my bedroom window, just on the wrong side. I huffed out some frustration as my mane started flattening from getting wet. At least it was somewhat quiet. I sat down, the grass squishy and unpleasant. It was a challenge to catch my breath.
I wanted my friends to think I was cool, and that I was just like them. I thought I could make it through one night without becoming a nervous wreck. My excessive planning was supposed to help me feel in control. I was so foolish, and now it was possible that my friends weren't my friends at all. Why would they want to be friends with someone who couldn't handle a social gathering? I was dreading having to write a letter to Princess Celestia. I was already planning out how it would start in my head.
"Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that I am not fit for friendship. I thought I was getting better at hiding my nervous outbursts, but unfortunately this is not the case. I am sorry. Maybe it would be best if I returned to Canterlot. I could study friendship through reading and in a few years I could try again-"
"Twilight!!!" My friends' voices cluttered over each other chaotically. From what I could tell, they were running around outside, probably looking for me. The guilt was painful.
They were too nice to confront me for my failures, I thought. I escaped them in a panic but now that I was out here, I felt even more silly. My shirt was drenched. There was too much I didn't understand.
I lowered my head, staring at the grass. I knew I had already ruined my chances of making them think I was as cool as them, so I just sat and waited for them to find me.
A pointy shadow was hesitantly forming in the wet grass, I was almost certain it was Spike.
I tried to look up at him in sheepish defeat, but he was already walking away. I assumed he was alerting the rest of the group that he had found me. My head was pounding in my ears.
There were some distant rustling noises, and then some whispering. I could only make out the last few sentences once my ears adjusted to the hiss.
"I don't think we should crowd her."
"I could talk to her, alone? Maybe?"
"I think that's a good idea. We'll all meet you inside when you guys are ready."
Suddenly, I could see Fluttershy walking towards me, her hoofsteps slow and cautious. Her long wet mane was sticking to her face so she had to push it out of the way before I could see her gentle smile. My heart seemed to race faster every second.
"Hi," Fluttershy practically whispered. To be honest, I was slightly surprised to see that Fluttershy was the one who came over. I tried to say something back, but my words were stubbornly stuck in my throat. Everything was coming out in gasps. "Do you mind if I sit with you, Twilight?" I closed my eyes and nodded. She then delicately sat next to me in the cold wet grass. I really appreciated Fluttershy. I tried to talk, again.
"I, uh," I stuttered, out of breath. "Sorry, I don't know how to say what I want to say", I stammered, almost as quiet as Fluttershy.
"That's okay. If you want, you could say a half thought, or something that doesn't make sense. You could also just sit quietly with me if you want. I like sitting quietly." Fluttershy seemed to be quite nervous and jittery herself, and I was so jealous that she could still be so eloquent. She had just given me permission to express something potentially incomplete, and I couldn't figure out why it felt like swallowing needles to do this. Out of respect for her, I tried my best.
"I thought I could do this," I spit out. I wasn't sure how to explain what 'this' was. "I'm not good with, uh, social things? I haven't studied the subject as much as I could have? The subject of, I don't know, hanging out? I just, I don't know what I'm doing. I, I can't do all this. I'm sorry, I'm usually better at explaining things. My brain isn't working, correctly."
"I'm sorry, Twilight," she said. "I would feel pretty overwhelmed if I were you. Thank you for telling me about all this. I know it isn't easy." Somehow, I was starting to feel more relaxed and sad at the same time.
"Yeah, I am overwhelmed. I know the party had hardly even started, but it was just, I don't know, a lot? Even days before the slumber party, I was so scared that I constantly felt sick to my stomach. Sorry, I don't think I'm making sense." My voice was all squeaky. Fluttershy kept her eye contact steady, as if signalling that I was still doing okay. "All of you have been so nice and welcoming to me and I've been so happy to learn about friendship, but it kinda seems like you all were already a friend group before I came to Ponyville? I might be wrong. It just seems like you guys have inside jokes and history I don't understand, I don't know! It's intimidating, and I don't want to mess up what you girls already had going on just because Princess Celestia happened to send me down here to meet you all. I have to put in a lot of effort to fit in, it's so exhausting. I think it might be too late now, anyways. To fit in, I mean. Everypony knows the truth about me, now. Yeah, I'm not exactly all cool and organized all the time. I don't know if I even succeeded in pulling off that image to begin with." I laughed, because I felt so dramatic and ashamed. It wasn't like I had just revealed some dark secret or something. I think I may have been trying to just say as much as possible while my body was letting me talk. "I'm a nervous wreck, um, kinda often."
"I understand how you feel, Twilight. It's okay." Fluttershy's hooves were shaking a little bit. "I'm really nervous pretty much all the time, you know. Not to brag, but Rainbow Dash knows this about me and she still tells me that I'm the coolest and bravest pony she knows." She was blushing, now. "I used to try to hide how nervous and shy I was all the time, but it was so exhausting. I eventunally decided to stop trying to hide those things about myself because I was so tired, but I soon figured out that just letting myself be nervous and shy on purpose helped me feel comfortable being myself in any state." Fluttershy then got closer to me and more quiet, as if she was letting me in on a secret. "Not many ponies know this, but I am actually quite confident. I can be loud if I need to be, but I'm quiet because I choose to be. It just feels right." Fluttershy's hooves were shaking even more now, yet she still came off as peaceful.
I suddenly remembered when Fluttershy stood up to that full-grown dragon. She was so impressive. At the time, I thought she was impressive because she wasn't herself. I wondered if I was a bad friend. "Twilight, you're allowed to feel overwhelmed. You're allowed to feel overwhelmed in front of your friends, too. You don't even have to be social. We still want to be your friends. We're here for you and we'll never judge you. Besides, I think you're extra brave for organizing a slumber party for us while you were afraid."
I could feel warmth swiftly rising to my cheeks, but I made an effort to not hide behind my soaked hair.
"Wow. Thanks, Fluttershy."
"Um, you're welcome. I'm sorry that you feel like you have to put in effort to fit in. I feel like that sometimes, too. But Twilight, we were not a group before we met you, just so you know." I looked up at Fluttershy in wonder, trying to psychologically signal for her to tell me more. She smiled. "Rainbow Dash and I have known each other since we were fillies. We even went to 'Flight Camp for Young Fliers' together! Over the years, she's been a big part of helping me find confidence in myself. I knew Pinkie Pie a little bit, but only because the whole town sorta knows Pinkie Pie. Rarity and I had met just shortly before you came to Ponyville. We go to the spa together, sometimes. We don't have much in common, so she usually gives me her latest gossip while I sit quietly. It's a lovely time even though it can be a little awkward. I had only heard about Applejack through Rainbow Dash, and I met her for the first time at the Summer Sun Celebration. I've had such a wonderful time getting to know you and Spike, so far. I'm sorry if you felt like we had some secret history we were hiding from you."
"Oh. No, it's okay. Thanks for telling me." The was rain softening into a more gentle drip. "Wow, so you and Rainbow have been friends since you were fillies? That's so interesting."
"Oh yes, I consider Rainbow Dash to be my family. You know, Rainbow greatly respects ponies who are extremely unapolegetially themselves. I believe that's part of why Rainbow has been getting closer with Pinkie, lately. I hear they do...pranks, together." Fluttershy giggled to herself.
"Yeah, I was wondering about that. They did something weird to my ink as a joke, once. Spike had to clean up a chemical explosion afterwards, so I was a little irritated if I'm being honest. I think I also heard from Applejack that they did this extravagant prank to her related to painting apples." I let out a laugh. "Did Rainbow know anyone else from our group besides you and Applejack before I moved to Ponyville?"
"She was a regular at Sugarcube Corner, so she saw Pinkie Pie a lot. They were just friendly, though. Rainbow was close with Applejack, although it was kinda a 'frenemies' sorta thing. Well, based on what Rainbow was telling me, anyways. I'm not sure how they knew each other. She had only heard Rarity's name through me. I'm sure she'd be happy to tell you more if you wanted to know. Everypony else, too."
"Yeah, I think I want to know everything". I sighed, smiling softly.
"Okay. Wanna go inside and warm up, soon? It's getting really...really dark out here." Fluttershy gulped. "I'm trying to be brave."
"Oh! Yeah, we can go inside. By the way, you're doing a really good job at being brave."
"Really? Yay."
Author's Note
A lot of dialogue! Fluttershy might seem slightly OOC, but I think the night feels were getting to her lol
