Pinkie Pie laid in her bed, curled up in her blankets and seemingly asleep. A cool breeze blew in from her open window as she lay in her dark bedroom. Her hooves clasped tightly against the covers. Go to sleep. She urged herself. She wanted to be asleep; she really did. But the voices wouldn't let her.
Sighing as she opened her eyes, she laid on her back and stared at the ceiling. The whispers echoed, filled with anger and regret. Why couldn't she just sleep? She wanted to sleep and dream and forget about the voices. She didn't want to think about the things they said. The things she pushed down deep inside her where they shouldn't have seen the light, in yet they kept crawling back. So hard to giggle the ghosties away when they live in your head.
She sat up and clutched her head, rocking herself. "Leave me alone..." She muttered. The voices weren't supposed to be here. They were supposed to be gone. But every time, whenever it was too quiet and there were no distractions, they rose up. They clawed at Pinkie's mind and soul. It made her feel sad, and angry, and pathetic. She hated feeling that way. She couldn't feel that way. She was the Element of Laughter. She was the one who made others stop feeling these awful things. She couldn't let herself feel them.
She looked over the side of her bed to see her precious pet alligator, Gummy. He stood like a statue, any signs of being asleep unnoticeable. "Gummy," Pinkie whispered. "I need you." She picked the baby gator up and held him close to her chest. She continued to rock herself as she stoked Gummy back. That's it, push it away. Push it away and pretend it doesn't exist... Because it scares you.
Pinkie grit her teeth. "Go away."
The previous night seemed little more than a fading dream come daytime. Pinkie Pie sought to rectify her relapse with a party with all her closest friends. She concluded it was simply a 'BFF Party', which hardly needed any particular date or reason. She made sure it was as fun as possible. So annoying. It hit a bit of a snag when she found that most of her friends were too busy to come over to Sugarcube Corner. They seemed too busy very often in recent days. They outgrew you. Except Fluttershy, of course. If no one else, Fluttershy could often be counted on for a party. And hey, you only really need one of your BFFs for a 'BFF Party'. She's indulging you. How long before she tires of it?
Pinkie always had a backup plan though. If her other friends couldn't come to a party, she could always bring it to them. Quick little visits to surprise them and spruce up their day. She knows hard-working ponies need a good pick-me-up every now and then. Like you would know. It's not like she stayed too long and interrupted them too much. She had made that mistake before. Many times before... But she had gotten better at it. She just... needed to show them she was there for them. Why are you such a burden?
It's important to show others you care, after all. Pinkie needed to show that she's always there when someone needs her. If anyone forgot that, it would terrible. It would make them feel alone. Angry. Worthless. But Pinkie didn't feel that way. She just didn't want others to feel that way.
She just had to keep busy. Stay distracted. Stay occupied. If she doesn't think about it, it's not there. Eventually, she'll just forget about it and it will disappear for good. She just had to keep busy.
Pinkie paced back in forth in her bedroom, the only light coming from her window. A bright full moon, in yet, the night felt so dark. She had kept them away for weeks, but they kept coming back like they always did. This night was a particularly bad one. The voices had become a volatile chorus, pulling things from deep within her that she didn't want to feel. She felt so hopelessly angry. Angry at people she cared about. Angry at people she didn't care about. Worst of all, angry at herself.
She wanted to let it all out. She wanted to scream. No, that would wake the Cakes. She wanted to break something. No, they would see and ask questions. She wanted to hurt herself. No, people would see and things would get even worse. She had no choice but to stand there and take it. Let it simmer within her until the heat dies down.
Pinkie breathed heavily and tried not make eye contact with the mare in the mirror. She felt toxic waste boiling over her mind and dripping down her body, sending shivers down her spine. She had to let it out, somehow. Then she remembered what she had done last time it got this bad. She went to her bed, grabbed her pillow and pressed it against her face. She screamed into it long and hard; even as her lungs ran out of air and her throat grew sore from the strain she continued to push everything inside her out. She smothered herself within the pillow until she nearly passed out, forced to peel herself away and drop onto the bed.
She realized then that her screams had at some point turned to sobs. Tears ran down her muzzle and she watched them make stains on the pillow. Tears of relief or of frustration? She had to guess the later. She took a deep breath and reached down to grab Gummy from his little bed. She laid on her back and held the gator to her chest. "Gummy... I can't do this anymore." She let out in a low voice. It occurred to her that she had said that before. When she had last said it, she couldn't say. Still, she continued to talk to her little gator, if only for the sake of letting out those awful feelings that spilled over her.
She talked for close to an hour. All such little things. Meaningless things, yet they meant something to her. Why? So many tiny, pathetic things built up into a gaping mass trying to swallow her from the inside out. It felt good letting it out, but in the end, talking to her quiet animal companion could only do so much.
If only she could talk to other ponies about it... but then again, she did. Little pieces of the ugly beast that she had the strength to speak of. She had spoken of it to the Cakes, to her parents, to Maud, to Twilight; all of them giving the same reassurances. The same gentle, soothing words that she needed to get through the day, but in the end, were little more than ointment on a wound; soothing at the time, but doing nothing to heal it. Even if she were to talk about it; really let the whole mess pour out for the world to see, what would come of it? Those same words from before. Like a broken record.
It all seemed so ridiculous. It was ridiculous. She just had to let her exhaustion take over and once she woke up, she could bury it again. A new coat of paint to hide the ugly surface.
Because you're too much of a coward to face it.
Pinkie didn't let her tiredness dissuade her. She had decided to make herself useful today. Though, this idea hit a snag right from the early going. Because of slow business and Pinkie recently overworking herself, the Cakes were insistant she take the day off. No problem, surely her friends would appreciate her company. Useless. At least, that's what Pinkie had thought. No, not 'thought'; hoped. Hopeless. From Applejack's Apple harvesting to Rarity's clothes making to Twilight's experimenting, Pinkie soon found herself to be more of a hinderance than an asset. Unwanted.
Fluttershy was more eager for the company though. As it turned out, Fluttershy benefitted quite a bit from an extra pair of hooves when caring for her animal friends. Pinkie wasn't as delicate and tactful as her Pegasus friend, but she did the best she could. She had too.
She talked with Fluttershy and found that she was feeling overworked due to increased visits from needy animals. Pinkie offered her assistance and Fluttershy happily accepted. That was good. If the others didn't need her, then at least maybe Fluttershy did. Perhaps they both could use the company.
Pinkie screwed up. She screwed up really bad. And the past few weeks were going so steadily too. Working with Fluttershy was exactly what she needed. Helping with tending to the animals was gratifying, and the two were able to make easy conversation. They had ended up talking about so many things. Little things; silly, unimportant things. Never serious and never had to be.
Then it stopped. The flow of animals cooled down and Fluttershy was back to handling them on her own, while Pinkie returned to working Sugarcube Corner. The voices nicked at her until she finally worked up the nerve to go over to Fluttershy and talk with her.
It was a casual conversation. Slowly, Pinkie built up the strength to ask Fluttershy how she felt about Pinkie's company. Fluttershy gave the expected answers. She was so kind and comforting... and Pinkie snapped. Out of nowhere, it boiled over and Pinkie let out her fearful, grieving feelings that the voices pull from her. She knew she shouldn't have. She knew that she would regret saying it, but in that moment, she didn't care. She couldn't care. Once the mist cleared though, Pinkie was immediately hit by the shame and embarrassment, quickly apologizing and excusing herself. She made a bee line to Sugarcube Corner. She couldn't even acknowledge anypony she passed by. So unlike her. They'll know. You make it all worse.
When she got to her room, she collapsed on her bed and cried. It would never leave her. No matter how much she said she was okay, it wasn't going to be true. All she could do was pretend. Paint on a smile and walk around in her blissful little world to hide from reality. All she could do was hide. Hide from the sorrow, the rage, the fear, and the sickness.
A knock came from her door.
Don't answer it. Don't want to talk.
"Pinkie, it's me." Fluttershy. "Can I come in, please?"
Don't you dare make things worse. Pinkie wiped her eyes and took a deep breath. "One minute."
Once she grasped her composer, Pinkie opened the door and let Fluttershy in. She looked concerned. Of course, she did. Pinkie apologized once again for her outburst earlier and quickly tried to let it float under the bridge.
Fluttershy wasn't so quick to let it drift away. "Pinkie, is something wrong?"
Pinkie paused at the question. It was a simple question. An understandable question. So, why did she have trouble answering. Fluttershy wasn't saying anything, just standing and waiting. Somehow though, there was no pressure in her stance, no unwanted tug within her gaze. Just patience. She knew the answer already. Can't lie to her. But it's pointless bringing her into it. Just shrug it off, change the subject.
Whether out of exhaustion or hope, or something else entirely, Pinkie answered. "...Yes."
They talked for a long time after that. In spite of her fear, Pinkie spat out what she could from the bubbling mass within her. Fluttershy listened intently and blocked out anything else from her world to focus on Pinkie. It was comforting and gave Pinkie the strength she needed to let the feelings out into the open.
There was lots of hugging and reassurances, something Pinkie could have expected. What she didn't expect however was what Fluttershy told her next. "Pinkie, believe it or not, I know exactly how you feel."
Pinkie couldn't help a part of her deep within feeling skeptical, but to feel that way would mean not trusting Fluttershy and that was something she couldn't afford to do. "You do?"
Fluttershy nodded. "Whenever I'm alone, and there's nothing to distract my mind, it plays tricks on me. I think of all these... things I don't like thinking about. Like... little voices in my head making me feel things I didn't let myself feel when I had other things to think about. And I don't talk about it because it scares me."
Pinkie stared at Fluttershy as she explained. It made perfect sense now that she thought about it. A pony like Fluttershy; so closed in and focused on how everyone else was. How could Pinkie be so blind? But then, did Fluttershy feel the same way thinking about Pinkie? She couldn't let that happen, but then... "So, what do we do?"
Fluttershy smiled and took Pinkie's hoof in her own. "We do what we can."
To most of Pinkie's friends, nothing seemed to change. She was the same excitable party pony she had always been. Popping in for a gag and a laugh whenever someone needed it. On the inside though, Pinkie had gone through quite a bit of change. It was something no one would truly grasp just from seeing her, all except for Fluttershy.
After that day when Pinkie opened up to Fluttershy, the two had come to an agreement that, even if they were too unsure and scared to trust anyone else, they can at least lean on each other. Whenever one felt overwhelmed by the voices and felt the mass boiling over, they set aside a time to confide in each other. Slowly, piece by piece, the things they had buried down started to be spat out. Even if they were still scared to confront the whispers, they soon understood that, at least to one another, there would be understanding and a hoof to pull them up.
Pinkie toyed with the idea of telling her other friends and suggested such to Fluttershy. They agreed that, while neither of them were ready for it yet, in due time they would do so. The voices, though still present, no longer seemed so powerful with the voice of a friend to combat them.
Perhaps one day, the voices would cease altogether. Until then, Pinkie did what she could, day by day. After all, night can only last so long before the light break out.
