Pony Fortress 2: Meet the Rejects

by Ezekiel Namuh

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Violence, Pinkie Pie, Crossover, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Prince Blueblood, Team Fortress
Length: 1765

Some contract killers just don't see a lot of action. If you want to meet the mercenaries who don't usually get the spotlight, Team Fortress 2's fan favorites are coming to town to whoop flank and chew hay. And we've got plenty of hay.

A scaredy-cat rich stallion. A wisecracking skirmisher. A definitely real brutal bad guy. What do these all have in common? No, they don't appear in a joke about a bar, they were just late to their interviews. After nine interviews beforehand, hopefully the meetings of these colorful characters (and maybe a few others) will have been worth the wait.

Loosely based on Meet the Team: Pony Fortress 2 by The Usurper. Asked for permission, pending a response. I highly recommend that story first, as there will be heavy spoilers. There will also be inconsistencies, as this is a pretty light-hearted comedy-focused story that isn't strict on accuracy to the source material.

Cover art by parallel black.

Published 2024-09-20 17:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-09-20 17:30:00 UTC

Forgotten Files

The noise that enveloped the area between the RED and BLU bases was absolute. After all, when workplace hazards include explosives and firearms, ears don't tend to respond very well. Sentries beeped, Medi-Guns thrummed, and smoke bombs did that vwhoosh thing. All in the name to kill some random ponies to further their empire.

RED (Radiant Empire's Defenders) and BLU (Builders of Lunar Utopia) are the names of two teams of contract killers. Teamwork might not be in all of their vocabularies but they're teams nonetheless. They're fighting under Celestia and Luna, respectively, to keep the Equestrian Empire together or secede and form a republic. Each team made up of copies of the same nine ponies. Rainbow Dash the Scout, Derpy Hooves the Soldier, Pinkie Pie the Pyro, Zecora the Demomare, Big McIntosh the Heavy Weapons Stallion, Applejack the Engineer, Fluttershy the Medic, Twilight Sparkle the Sniper, and lastly Rarity the Spy. Derpy usually gets lost on her way to the battle sites, so Spike the Dragon tends to fill in for her.

None of the mercenaries know how exactly they're fighting copies of each other. Theories of changeling interference is rampant, though Pinkie loves to ramble on how she thinks they're battling their long lost evil twins.

Speaking of Pinkie... this is where the spoilers come in.

Pinkie is definitely the least well put-together of the mercs. Sure, Fluttershy operates on conscious patients without a medical license (or much common sense really), but at least she's nice about it. Pinkie is vicious, cruel, and she's so cute you can't even stay mad at her, with her big eyes and always-present smile. She's also got a split personality problem. Sometimes she's the Pinkie that was just explained, others she's the calm and cool Diana. A few rare moments she's the fun-loving and kind Pinkie Pie she used to be before becoming the Pyro.

Back to Diana, she's the one conducting these interviews. She just finished with the Spy, so now there's only one pony left to interview. The Pyro.

You see the problem now, right? You especially should if you've read the story this is based on.

Pinkie's interview was supposed to be the day after Rarity's. Though a call to the Administrator's office brought Diana's mind away from the interviews for a few moments.

That's not gonna last long.

"You wanted to see me, sir?" An earth mare asked, poking her snout through the cracked open door.

"Yes. You may enter," the demonic mish-mash of creatures on the other side responded.

The door creaked open the rest of the way, pushed back by Diana's entrance. The dull pink pony gazing upon the screens atop of screens piled inside the Administrator's room, being stared at by the draconequus facing away from Diana. Most blared static, but some showed tactical camera feeds of the ongoing battle nearby. Big Mac and Spike were running down a hallway in a hurry on one screen, the iconic McIntosh apple in the Heavy's hoof with a large bite in it. Another showed the intelligence room with a floating intel briefcase inside. Ignore the fact that it's slowly floating away from the table.

"Do you know why you're here, Diana?"

"No, sir."

"Well, that's fine. Because I do." The Administrator lifted a manila folder and pushed it across the table next to him. "We've had a few special missions lined up for the next few days, and we'll be seeing a few new faces as well."

Diana put a hoof to her face and groaned. "Oh, please tell me this isn't what I think it is."

Administrator chuckled. "Well, it's not extra credit, if that's what you were worried about." Diana listened closely as she lifted the folder in a hoof, opening it with the other and confirming her worries upon seeing the contents. Profiles on several different ponies involved in the war between RED and BLU.

"You've got some new assignments, Diana. You start in the morning."

Meet the Civilian (Part 1/2)

"I still don't get how the existence of workaholics is even possible."

Diana was still not happy about getting multiple new interviews dumped on her out of nowhere, and now she has to conduct one of said interviews during a battle in a location neither team has been before. Blackstone Harbor.

"He didn't even put the assignment together well. I don't even know which team to go to," Diana muttered to herself, making her way through the various shipping crates piled along the road to the facility RED was tasked with defending today.

"Hey, Diana!" A southern voice rang from Diana's right side. Atop a winding ramp alongside her sentry was the RED Engineer.

"Hello, Miss Applejack," Diana said in response. Applejack had always been friendly to her while on the way to her interviews, even when not interviewing her team. She also seemed to be on pretty good terms with her BLU counterpart, despite being total opposites. Do not trust BLU Engineer with any practical problem, she is not good at solving those.

"Y'all got just one interview left, right? I think Pyro's around here somewhere."

"Actually, that's no longer the case," Diana admitted. "The Administrator just dumped a bunch of new interviews on me, and I'm doing the first one today."

Applejack's face fell slightly in response to this. "Ah see. Well, ya best take it up with the BLU team, then."

"So I'm assuming the new mare is working with them, today?"

Applejack smiled. "Yep and nope. They're workin' with 'em, but they ain't no mare."

Diana's eyebrow raised. "A stallion, then."

"Yep. Not many of 'em are cut out fer this line a' work. Aside from mah brother of course. Ah guess lil' ol' Spike counts, as well." Applejack picked up her sentry and slung it over her back. "Must be some important guy, too. We got strict orders directly from Celestia herself to not let him get to the road back there."

"Really?" This news aroused some suspicion. Celestia and Luna rarely got involved with the mercs as individuals. This stallion must really be special. "Okay, then. I suppose I'll see what the situation is when I get there."

"Good luck with your interview, then. Oh, and Diana?"

"Yes?"

"Tell the 'other me' Ah said howdy, alright?"

"Sure."

It wasn't long of a walk to get from RED's base to BLU's. Sure, a lot of the roads didn't make logical sense, but that just goes to show it's hard to design a location for both functional use and combat fairness. After weaving around the scattered carts and crates, Diana walked down the ramp to the BLU respawn room.

Once past the gates, she walked through the thin hall into the main room, an underground garage housing a cart and several cabinets filled with medical supplies, ammunition, and a handful of weapons. And surrounding said cart was the bantering BLU team.

Approaching, Diana took note of a pony perched on top of the cart, speaking to the mercenaries below.

"What do you mean, 'just hail a cab?' How in the world am I supposed to stay safe in one of those open carriages when the Neightalian mafia could've just paid off those Percherons? I've had lots of that kind of trouble on my last diplomatic mission in Stalliongrad, the Chineighs have been especially pushy with the money I owe them, and auntie refuses to pay them for me! And don't even get me STARTED on the local sixth-graders."

A white stallion was preaching to the BLU mercs atop his soapbox, his horn emanating light blue magic to hold a darker blue umbrella by his side. His blonde mane and beard looked frazzled despite his desperate attempts to fix them and look presentable. The dark blue suit and necktie on his barreled chest looked about as expensive as Spy's clothing, with a cerulean rose pinned right at his neck.

"And it's about time you got here! Where have you been while we've been busy strategizing, Miss Pyro?"

"You haven't been strategizing, you've just been bossing us arou-" BLU Sniper was halted when the umbrella was tapped against her horn.

"Oh, hush now. I've got an explanation I'm waiting for."

Diana scoffed. "I've been looking for my next interviewee. I'm assuming you're the Civilian I was instructed to find?"

The stallion smiled, hopping down. "Why yes, I am. Prince Blueblood, you're at my service. Though, you really should've known that, considering what I'm paying you all."

"Seventy-five cents?" Twilight piped up again.

"Per hour!" He shouted back.

"These only last about 15 minutes anyway, so we'll be lucky to be paid twenty cents. Stupid minimum wage." Rarity joined in.

"You're all lucky to be paid at all! Protecting a member of the crown is a very prestigious job."

Nopony decided to continue in the conversation after that, instead breaking into arguments about pay, hours, or just shouting loudly to try and fit in. This lead Blueblood to sigh and hop back onto his metaphorical soapbox.

"GENTLEMARES!" He shouted, regaining the attention of the team. He sighed again, before his expression hardened.

"Our's is a mean, dark old world. Where some say a mare can be whatever they are mare enough to be," he muttered. "Well, I am here to tell you that there are limits."

Blueblood's eyes scanned the assortment of contracts killers in front of him, a randomized grab-bag of species, colors, and skills. "I have no doubt that your hometown bars, allies, and stables are safer tonight with your absences. Alone, any of you filthy creatures could be the Princess Luna of her local sewer." He threw his hooves up in the air. "So what!?"

"Your individual strengths: Your speed, accuracy, brawn, brain, rage... flame retardancy... They are matched by weaknesses I don't feel the need to point out for you." BLU's Civilian stomped his hooves.

"Disorder," he muttered, the image of a certain announcer coming to the minds of every creature present. "The natural state of our pitiful society: easy to produce, exhausting to overcome."

"But you've put pain to that debt."

Blueblood swept over the team in front of him. "Historically, the world's greatest monsters have abhorred a team. Together; we bold, few unnatural family will seize the monster on the other side of this war by the throat."

"And we'll choke the whole world out of that sorry bitch!"

Author's Note

Blueblood's speech at the end is from the original version of Meet the Spy. You can watch a recreation of it here.