It was a night. It was also slightly stormy. Not stormy in the sense one had best batten down the hatches, sip a cup of cocoa or tea, and hope one doesn’t blow away, but perhaps one of those thunderstorms they have in the South, with heat lightning and all the accessory idiocy. Nicolas Cage had settled in with his newest script, Ghost Rider 7: Spirit of Oh God Why, a cup of coffee, and some light classical. And then the power went out. (Suspend your disbelief, reader!) Cursing under his breath, the now surrounded by darkness Nick Cage stood, placed his script on the seat, and attempted to find his fuse box.
And failed spectacularly. What he did find, however, was a transdimensional portal of such strange and unusual properties, that it sent him to Equestria, land of talking ponies and fictional animals.
RIDIRE PRODUCTIONS UNLIMITED PRESENTS......
Nicolas Cage Scores With Celly.
Stumbling from the portal into a suddenly sunny and bright land, Nick Cage was blinded by the light. Grimacing, his manly, rugged looks changed from outrage to curiosity as first one, and then two, and then more and more, pastel colored, slightly anthromorphic, ponies surrounded him curiously. Confident of himself, Nick Cage spoke.
“Hi. I’m Nicolas Cage.” The ponies shifted backwards a few feet, surprised by the sudden intelligence of one so ugly looking. Mustering her, for she appeared to be a she, courage, a lavender one with a violet mane and pink streak, with a similarly colored horn upon her head, stepped forward.
“I’m Twilight Sparkle. As the Bearer of the Element of Magic, you’re under citizen’s arrest for disturbing the peace and making Spike piss himself.” A reproachful look followed this, causing Nick Cage some slight semblance of guilt. Despite his lack of knowledge about what a spike, in this context was, it still seemed something worthy of guilt. So Nick Cage marshalled his feelings, and allowed guilt to happen.
“God, I’m sorry. I didn’t expect to wander through a transdimensional portal, you see Miss Twilight. I was enjoying a cup of coffee and my newest script, when my power went out, and I stumbled through.” So saying, Nick Cage pulled out his wallet and checked the cash he possessed. “Look, I’ve got about a hundred dollars in cash. Will that cover a fine or anything?”
Twilight Sparkle seemed uneasy at his wallet. It looked like a gryphon example of leather she had seen in the Canterlot Museum, in the section for Foreign Artifacts. It had disgusted her, seeing another, possibly sapient! animal, used like that. That this Nicolas Cage appeared to have such leather was sickening. “I’m also placing you under Citizen’s Arrest for possessing leather, a Level Five Contraband Item, in accordance with Princess Celestia’s law.”
“Oh. Oh jeez, this is serious, isn’t it? Look, I’m really quite sorry. If I could just explain myself to the authorities, or someone in charge, Miss Sparkle, I’d be quite willing to leave.” Now Nick Cage seemed to know that this was fast spiralling out of the control of his quick wits, silver tongue, and good looks. Twilight Sparkle seemed slightly appeased by Nick Cage’s dropping of her given name, and relaxed slightly.
“Spike, take a letter. Dear Princess Celestia. There is an unknown life form slightly terrorizing Ponyville, and Rarity and Fluttershy are away on a date. Spike’s pissed himself, and I don’t know what to do. Some help would be appreciated. He says his name is... Nicolas Cage. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.” Oh. That really was serious then, wasn’t it?
Nicolas Cage began pacing. A Princess. He had never met a Princess, except for that one hooker that thought she was a descendant of the Romanovs of Russia, but.... Stay focused, Nick. You’ve gotten out of worse scraps. Like that time in London! Yeah, just stay positive. This Celestia character sounds pretty reasonable, Nick Cage reasoned. If she really was, then this was just a misunderstanding, and he’d hopefully be home enjoying his coffee and new script soon.
The still invisible Spike managed to communicate without Nick Cage hearing, and so he was surprised when Twilight Sparkle was surprised at the speed of the response. “Oh. I’m so sorry Mr. Cage, I’m releasing you instantly. The Princess herself is coming to meet you.”
Nick Cage was surprised. Thankfully, he hadn’t begun contemplating prisons... He remembered the Parisian one with particular disgust, shuddering. Nick Cage still didn’t like Paris, despite the French authorities’ attempts to rectify everything to his satisfaction. Who knew calling a whore what she was, a whore, was in bad form? Throwing off such memories, Nick Cage instead began to anticipate meeting an actual head of state!
His thoughts were interrupted by a slight shifting of the ponies in front of him parting to make a pathway. Most knelt, although some bowed. And Nick Cage was greeted by the most majestic sight he had ever seen, even his own face. She carried herself regally, fully, and confidently.
“Hello, Nicolas Cage. You and I have things to discuss. Follow me.” And for some strange reason, Nicolas Cage, the man who did what he wanted whenever he wanted, felt compelled to follow this much larger pony with an ethereal, flowing mane, wings, and a horn. So he followed, and she lead him to a building. It was shaped to be a tree, and even appeared to be growing slightly. Nick Cage waved it off as magic. If transdimensional portals existed, why not trees that are hollow?
“Um, ma’am, I’m afraid I don’t understand why we’re here.” Nick Cage hid the confusion he was allowing himself to slightly fear, confident that this pony would explain herself. The others had seemed pretty helpful looking, as well.
“All will be well, Nicolas Cage. Quite simply, I want you to fuck me as limp as a live starfish. As limp as a dead squid. Only then, Nicolas Cage, will I send you back.” Nick Cage was flattered. It seemed his prowess in bed was known beyond the normal human dimensions. Nodding slowly, he began taking off his shirt, but then he paused.
“Can we at least have dinner together, first? I’m not that kind of guy.” Celestia nodded, and sent for food. Before five minutes had passed, a repast was spread on the tree’s table in the kitchen dining room area, and they began to eat in silence. Slowly, he dipped his sausage stick into her honey pot, and then savored the taste.
Once the light meal was finished, they went to the bedroom in the tree, and Celestia laid herself out flat on her back on it, waiting for Nick Cage to undress. He had begun to steel himself for this, and considered it no worse than having sex with his wife. Thinking back to pleasurable experiences, Nick Cage’s penis began to pulsate with the blood flow, and he allowed himself to move onto the bed next to Celestia. He brought her face to his with a gentle hand, and slowly kissed her, watching as her eyes closed.
Slowly trailing kisses down her throat and chest, Nick Cage began to slowly rub her clitoris with one hand, the other gently and slowly rubbing one of the teats near her hindlegs. Deep groans escaped her throat, as Nick Cage bent her to his will. He halted, and smirked with that Nick Cage-y smirk of his as a whine escaped a Princess. Instead, he propped himself up on his elbows, ever the gentleman, and slowly lowered his penis into her marehood, and they began to rock together, back and forth.
Nicolas Cage performed admirably, and caused a Princess of Equestria, and of a different species than his own, to climax multiple times. Groaning slightly, he finished himself, and slowly lowered himself to lay next to Celestia. “So, I hate to love ‘em and leave ‘em, but when do you think I can go home?”
