If Nightmare Moon had an assistant
“Mwah hahaha,” nightmare moon laughed maliciously. “Finally, the thousand years of waiting are over, and we shall enact my master plan to rule equestria and bring eternal night!” Suddenly however, her monologue and malicious laughter were stopped by a splash of water to the face by her newly hired villain assistant, Kevin. “Kevin, what in the Tartarus was that!? We shall teach you better than to mess with.” But Kevin cut her off mid tirade.
“Oh yeah, I’m a big and scary alicorn of the night using the royal Canterlot voice to intimidate people and show how angry I am blah blah BLAH !.” Kevin cynically replied, “I’ve heard it all before, so if you are willing to cut through the horse apples, I’d like to have a chat with you about your good old master plan!”
“Ah, so you wish to stroke our ego about the greatness of our plan 1000 years in the making?” Nightmare moon boasted, “Well then we might just be willing to look past that little splash!”
“Oh ho no, I wasn’t here to congratulate your plan, I’m here to tell you how much it FUCKING SUCKS!” Kevin replied angrily.
“What, our plan sucking? How dare thou !?” Nightmare moon angrily clapped back. “We have worked for a thousand years in exile to make sure it is absolutely foalproof! I challenge thou to find one single flaw with it infidel!”
“Oh yeah? Well I challenge myself to NOT find a flaw in EVERY part of it!” Kevin retorted! “For starters, your plan to do grand reveal as soon as you’re free! I mean really, your first order of business after being gone a thousand years is to just launch yourself at everyone in the middle of the festival to announce your return by yourself? What the hell kind of stupid idea is that!?”
“Stupid? Ha!” Nightmare moon angrily replied. “I must instill fear in my new subjects and let them know who their new ruler will be! The best way to do that is to announce my arrival and show my powers in spectacular fashion!”
“Oh it’s the best way to do SOMETHING alright! The best way to get your ASS…. er um FLANK kicked!” Kevin snapped back. “For one thing they HOPELESSLY outnumber you. What if one of them is a sly dog and catches you monologing as a chance to sneak behind you and strike you with a blunt object?”
“It will take more than blunt objects to stop…” Nightmare Moon clapped back before Kevin cut her off again.
“Or how about if they shoot you with a GUN!” Kevin replied, “Which in case you weren’t aware, is basically a device that can propel a lethal projectile at you faster than you could EVER hope to dodge or stop it. It’s literally a device made for killing, and for all you know that entire room could have those on them! The town you’re planning to do that in IS a country town after all!”
“A gun? Surely no such device could EVER exist?” Nightmare moon replied.
“Oh and this is coming from someone who lives in a world where ACTUAL magic exists!?” Kevin said. “If you can use magic to raise the sun and create force fields and whatnot, then I certainly think such a weapon, or at the very least a lethal spell which can avada kedavra your ass, is within the realm of possibility, and dare I say even LIKELY given how long you’ve been absent and how much things have advanced. And that applies to your sister the literal goddess Celestia and her guards as well. “
“But then how are we to take control if we cannot stop Celestia?” Nightmare Moon said, “I cannot rule while Celestia does!”
“I agree.” Kevin replied. “Which is why you need to go about it differently. The way I see it, you’ve been gone been so long you probably have long since faded from public mind, so why not use that to your advantage and sneak under the radar, Celestia is so busy handling politics and raising the sun and moon in your absence she probably won’t even remember the exact date until we’ll after it’s passed if she does at all! And even if she does remember, you can literally SHAPESHIFT! Become another pony like you did with that Shadowbolts plan demonstration you did last week! Or better yet, just transform into some nameless nobody no one will notice suddenly came into being and bide your time while you learn about new technologies, spells, and geopolitical rivalries and how you can use those to your advantage when you do choose to strike! Heck, maybe you could even take a more proactive approach while you’re at it and infiltrate the government and bring it down from the inside without ever having to fight like Neighdolf Hitler!”
“Preposterous!” Nightmare replied,” “Neighdolf Hitler has an army backing him up, and no pony would ever actually want to aid me in bringing everlasting night!”
“Oh I think you overestimate the intelligence of the general public quite heavily” Kevin replied. “There’s LITERALLY an entire group of people where I come from who think the planet they live on is flat.”
“Wait…. You’re kidding right ?” Nightmare Moon said aghast.
“Nope, you can’t make this shit up”” Kevin replied. “And there’s an even larger population of idiots around than just them. Did you know a fair number of people in a fandom about friendship based on your show seem to get a sick enjoyment in others’ misery and have missed all the morals it’s supposed to teach….! Or that half of my entire country literally voted for a fascist a few years ago and got him elected despite him CLEARLY outing himself as horrible and saying things directly counting their own best interests? Actually, speaking of which, I actually have an appointment with him coming up next.” Kevin said, before he shook his head realizing he went on a tangent.
“Point is though” Kevin continued, “There’s always someone, er um somePONY, who will follow you if you look hard enough and know what to say, which slipping under the radar and NOT immediately exposing yourself in some stupid grand reveal gives you plenty of time to learn what to say and enact on countless palookas looking for someone to follow and who you can throw under the bus if the plan fails while you escape and try again. Sure it might take a few years to do it, but what’s that compared to the thousand you were imprisoned for? If you’re gonna get revenge may as well do it right I say!”
“Ah…. I see, we thank thou Kevin for the valuable insight, we shall now go and engage in your master plan and use it to bring eternal night and rule Equestria.” Nightmare moon said, before Kevin splashed her again. “Grrrr! I swear to Celestia, soon to be myself, if you do that to us again…”
“Uh, no! You will not be bringing eternal night when you take over because that is the stupidest idea EVER!” Kevin snapped at her ignoring her threat.
“But we must show our might to the land and make others know how powerful we are in their everyday lives just by going outside.” Nightmare moon replied angrily. “And since the grand reveal instilling fear is out that is all we have left!”
“Look, I do respect the desire to be respected…. Something I never was from my two ex wives, but that is a HORRIBLE way to go about it!” Kevin replied. “You do realize you need sun to do some minor teeny weenie SUPER IMPORTANT things like, oh I don’t know, grow crops, make clouds for pegasi to shake rain from due to heat causing convection, or get sufficient vitamin D for example! If you take away the sun, you’ll be looking at a wasteland in ten years if you’re lucky! And how are you going to be respected if everyone who could do so is DEAD!? Assuming of course they don’t just French Revolution you and overthrow you before that point and kill you instead. Let them eat moon cake as it were!”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Nightmare Moon replied.
“Oh yeah, forgot, alternate dimension! Doesn’t really make knowing French history all that easy.” Kevin mused, “The point is, don’t take away the sun, you’ll actually kill everyone and likely yourself due to starvation, drought, vitamin deficiency or an angry mob, and even if you don’t die for some reason, you’ll just be ruling a wasteland by yourself with NO ONE to respect you! No, what you do is use the sun as leverage! Demand the citizens follow you OR you don’t raise the sun. That will give them plenty of motivation to not try anything funny, because it’s not like they have the magical ability raise the sun if you’re out of the picture! So that leaves them two choices, either they overthrow you anyway and doom themselves to a slow painful death not likely, or do your bidding for their own sakes, and if they’re anything like the people where I come from, when faced with an existential threats they will most certainly do the latter!”
“That…. Could be a potential solution too..” Nightmare Moon said.
“Uh huh” Kevin replied smugly. “But anyway, I gotta go, if I’m late to my next appointment he’ll grab me by the pussy! But before I go, is there is one thing I want to ask. Why are you so vehement about the night being a staple anyway? Like I know your whole schtick is night time so I could understand some desire, but you have an obsession so I’m thinking that isn’t the only reason is it?”
“Um….. you won’t judge us will you?” Nightmare Moon said.
“I’ve worked with people who LITERALLY snapped half of all living things into oblivion and who tried to kill a baby, there is NOTHING you can say which will faze me at this point.”
“Um….. we may or may not enjoy nighttime donkey shows” Nightmare said sheepishly.
“Aaaaand I stand corrected…..” Kevin said, “On the plus side though, at least you’ll fit right in with the sexually frustrated teens and spiteful miserable manchildren on the website I mentioned earlier!”
Author's Note
Am I winning friends and influencing people with my digs at this site…. Likely no, but let’s be real, ya’ll are gonna hate me no matter what I say or do, so I choose to clap back because I don’t deserve it nor do I like it. I just wish people would be nice to me tbh, but whatever, I’ve accepted that won’t happen here at least…. But again, that doesn’t mean I have to like it
