Pinkie Pie rolled up to Applejack’s house in her trademark partymobile, before stepping out, walking up to the door and ringing the doorbell. As Applejack opened the door for her, she greeted her and said “We’ll AJ I made it, despite your directions!”
“Uh, how could you have gotten lost Pinkie?” Applejack replied, “Ya’ll have been over here like 20 times this year alone, we’re in a band together and use my barn to practice, remember? Not to mention with your Pinkie sense you actually told ME where my distant aunt’s house who I’d never visited was!”
“I know, I know!” Pinkie replied, “but I had to say it because it’s in the script!”
“…. The what now?” Applejack replied confused.
“Yeah, the script for the meme steamed hams!” Pinkie replied excitedly.
“Uh huh,” Applejack acknowledged, knowing better than to try and understand Pinkie’s tangents. “Whatever, regardless though, glad ya’ll are here, let’s get to the grub!”
“No no no! You’re supposed to call it an unforgettable luncheon!” Pinkie replied mildly annoyed.
“But it won’t be unforgettable Pinkie!” Applejack replied, “Ya just came over and ate the same thing last week!”
“But the scriiiiiiipt….” Pinkie replied.
“Alright alright, ah how yer prepared for an unforgettable luncheon” Applejack replied rolling her eyes, and muttering under her breath about how pointless the semantics were. She entered the kitchen as Pinkie sat down, and was immediately greeted by the awful sight of smoke coming out of the oven. “Oh e’gods! Mah roast is ruined!” Applejack said with shock, before she looked out the window and noticed the mobile Krustyburger hamburger stand parked at the nearby carrot farm, likely for a party, (which surprisingly Pinkie wasn’t hosting for some reason.)
“Krustyburger!?” Applejack replied confused, “Ah thought that only existed in some animated TV show… Nevermind though, that might be the solution to this issue! What if ah were to purchase fast food!” Before she chuckled to herself. “Delightfully devilish Applejack” she remarked to herself, before commenting to herself again “Devilish? Ah never say devilish, almost like some force prompted me to say it like in a script…” before she shook her said and said “Oh Celestia, Pinkie’s getting to me.”, before she took off the apron she had been wearing and attempted to step out of the window to go to the nearby stand. However, just at that moment, Pinkie entered the room.
“Uh” she replied, before lowering her eyes into a glare, while still keeping her smile somehow.
Before Applejack could respond however, a title sequence came out of nowhere and some random chorus began to sing to accompany it. “Applejack with her crazy explanations! Piiiiinkamena’s gonna need her medication (like it’d have any effect). When she hears AJ’s lame exaggerations there’ll be trouble in Canterlot tonight, er in today!”
“Apppppplejack!” Pinkie shouted both in the title sequence and in real life.”
“What the hell was that!?” Applejack replied. “Is equestrian magic comin’ out from the portal again?”
“Oh no silly!” Pinkie replied, it’s normal for that to happen in this meme!”
“Meme?” Applejack replied confused. “Uh, ya’ll realize that this is real life right? This is as far from a meme as you can get!”
“You mean the same real life that has literal magic and actual unicorns and pegasi in an alternate dimension?” Pinkie replied smugly.
“Touché” Applejack replied. “Anyway ah gotta step out for a minute, mah roast is ruined so ah’m gonna go buy us some fast food so we actually dhave something to eat!”
“No no no!” Pinkie replied, “you’re not supposed to tell me that! You’re supposed to lie!”
“Lie?!” Applejack said offended. “Ah’m the element of honesty, why would ah lie! In fact I’m kind of offended ya’ll would even suggest ah’m supposed to!”
“But that’s how the script goes!” Pinkie replied annoyed. “You’re supposed to claim that your attempt to go out of the window is just isometric exercise, then ask me to join you, I’m supposed to ignore the question and ask you why smoke’s coming out of your oven, you’re supposed to stutter then claim it’s steam from the steamed clams we’re having, then go ‘Mmm steamed clams!’, then I leave the room unsatisfied with your answer! It’s all in the script!”
“But that makes no sense, why would AH ever lie!?” Applejack replied angrily. “No script based on my story worth any literary value would ever have me do that! And if ah was cast in a pre-existing script in a role where someone lied, that would just be bad casting.” Immediately after concluding that tirade, Applejack and Pinkie slowly turned to face out of the paper at the person writing this, before turning back to face each other. “Anyway,” Applejack continued, ah’m just gonna go get the food if that’s ok with you!”
“Suit yourself I guess,” Pinkie replied, before she left the room, and Applejack promptly stepped out the window and ran to the nearby Krustyburger stand to an ascending musical tone, which she heard but couldn’t explain, (and honestly at this point didn’t really want to try and do so.)
*************************************
Shortly after, Applejack re-entered the dining room and as the door closed behind her she said “Pinkie Pie ah hope you’re ready for mouthwatering hamburgers!”
“I thought we were having steamed hams!” Pinkie replies matter of fact.
“Steamed hams?” Applejack replied, confused again.
“That’s what you’re supposed to call hamburgers to lie to me!” Pinkie replied excitedly.
“Steamed hams? That’s what ah’m supposed to call hamburgers?!” Applejack replied doubtfully.
“Uh huh, it’s a regional expression” Pinkie replied.
“What region?” Applejack inquired.
“Uhhhh, upstate Neigh York” Pinkie answered.
“Really?” Applejack said doubtfully, “We’ll ah’m from Ponyville and ah’ve never heard anybody use the phrase ‘steamed hams’!”
“Oh no silly not in Ponyville it’s a Cloudsdale expression.” Pinkie replied.
“Ah see!” Applejack said, before a sudden feeling of unease fell across her. “Why do ah get the feeling we just did something exactly the opposite of how it was intended?”
“Maybe because you were supposed to explain what steamed hams are to me and not me to you! It’s all in the script after all.” Pinkie replied.
“Oh no not this script again!?” Applejack said.
“Yep, though I do suppose the delivery got out anyway so I guess we can just move on with the meme.” Pinkie said, before she picked up a burger and said “You know these hamburgers are cooked quite similar to the ones they have at Krustyburger.”
“Well ah did tell you ah was gonna buy fast food so…” Applejack said.
“No damnit, you’re supposed to say it’s a patented AJ burger, old family recipe.” Pinkie said.
“For steamed hams?” Applejack said narrowing her eyes.
“Yes!” Pinkie replied.
“And ah’m supposed to call them steamed hams despite the fact that they’re obviously grilled!?” Applejack said, taking the bun off and showing her the patty. “Explain how the script justifies that!”
“Uh, you know…. One thing I should….” Pinkie said, struggling to explain to Applejack. ‘You know, that is a legitimate question. I’m going to need some time to think.”
“You do that, meanwhile, excuse me for one second” Applejack said standing up and moving towards the kitchen.
“Of course” Pinkie Pie said as Applejack went to the kitchen, before coming back out worried. “Pinkie Pie, the house is in FIRE!” She said.
“No Applejack it’s just the northern lights?! That’s what you’re supposed to tell me!” Pinkie said.
“No ah mean really we need to get the hell outta... “ Applejack said before she processed what Pinkie just said. “Did you just say Aurora Borealis!?@
“Yep!” Pinkie said smiling.
Ah’m supposed to tell you it’s Aurora Borealis!! At this time of year at this time of day in this part of Equestria, LOCALIZED entirely within mah kitchen!” Applejack said getting increasingly loud and irritated.
“Yes!” Pinkie said. “It’s in the script after all!”
“…… may ah see the script?” Applejack asked curiously.
“………. No!” Pinkie said.
“Ugh, well anyway, might be time to see you off, ah do got a fire to deal with….” Applejack said.
“Uh yeah shouldn’t you get on that NOW” Pinkie said concerned.
“Eh, mah barn’s been destroyed HOW many times over the years, and it’s always fine the next day, why should this be any different?” Applejack said.
“Okie dokie Loki” Pinkie replied, before both of them stepped outside.
As Pinkie prepared to leave, she turned to Applejack and said “Well Applejack you are an odd missus”
“Look who’s talking…” Applejack replied.
“But I must say, you steam a good ham!” Pinkie said before she turned to leave, and Applejack rushed back inside to call the fire department.
A single frame of a fire engine rushing to the scene then played as the camera cut to black.
Author's Note
Super Nintendo Chalmers
