It’s just silly.

It’s just silly how I’m sitting here.
Sitting here waiting for somepony to tell me what’s wrong with me.
What’s wrong with being silly?
Did I smile wrong this morning?
I think I had, I had to pick it up off the ground
Smear it back on my face
Feel it there just for a moment and then look back in the mirror and see that it was still there
Thank Celestia!

Nurse Redheart did a checkup.
She said it would be brief
Just a moment
A little bit
A tiny one
Like Gummy
I hope Rainbow Dash doesn’t mind taking care of him
He could be a hoofful
And Tank knows his way around, just like Gummy
Just like water and food in two separate bowls
Uniform, the water just cold enough
The food just warm enough
Careful, don’t bathe in it, Tank!
Hehehe.

My laugh sounds wrong.
I’m not laughing.
I’m… kinda laughing.
Silly. I should know how to laugh.
Granny Pie told me how.
Stand up tall,
Face your fears,
Tell them to take a hike,
Tell them to leave you alone,
Tell that big dumb scary face,
That they can’t hurt you,
No, no, they can’t hurt you, Pinkie.
Laugh them away and—

Ha

Ha-hah

H-Ha

Ha... ha?

Wait that didn’t sound right!
No, the laugh was supposed to—

Stop talking—no that's your own voice—
Pinkie.
The doctors told me to tell you
That you’re okay but you’re not
You need to tell us what’s going on
It’s all mental—
—Mental how?—
Eugh, it’s all upstairs, Pinkie!
Upstairs in that head of yours
It’s something that you say is silly
But it’s not
Describe it
Tell me what it is
I want to help
You need it
Because you’re you
And when you’re sad
Ponyville—

I…

I don’t know what you’re talking about, nurse!
I feel just fine!
I’m not sad!
That’s the last thing I am!
I just feel silly.
A silly little filly
A silly filly feeling silly about this morning
In the mirror
Where I picked up my smile
It was on the ground
Not like me, but the smile
I picked it up, put it back on
Looked in the mirror, and it was there
Then I picked up the sheets
Folded them into one piece
They looked silly
So I left
Walked down the stairs
Went to work
Cleaned the tables
Dusted the chairs
And the counter too (it was really dirty)
And then I waited
Forgot the door was shut
So I opened the door
Told ponies to come in
No one was there
It took some time
I waited for a while
Some ponies trickled in
But no one said a word
Then Rarity came in
She bought a cookie
The one I made for her
She was happy
And that was great
I told her all about the silliness
And she left
But then Twilight came
And asked if I was okay
I told her things were okay
But was I okay
Now I’m here
Here with you
Wondering if I am okay
Because I don’t know
Is that okay?
Am I wrong?
Am I silly?
Is that a medical condition?
What else is there to do?
What can you do?
Is there anything
Anypony
Anyone
Can do to help me?!
Find out why I’m so silly?!
Why I feel in-between happy and sad?!
What do you call that?!
Normal?!
I don’t know I’m just a pony
A silly pony
And silly ponies are not normal ponies
Normal ponies are not possible
Because normal ponies don’t smile
Normal isn’t a thing
Normal is just an abstract construct—

I… rambled again, didn't I?

I’m sorry, Nurse Redheart. Am I scaring you?

…

I—

Don’t look at me like that—
I’m sorry for what I did!
I just want you to smile.
I just want you to smile…
I just…

…

…

…

Pinkie?

…

Pinkie?
When did this start?
Was it in the mirror?
Was it the night before?
What do you remember?

…

This morning I saw myself in the mirror.
I saw my smile fall off.
I picked it back up again.
That’s… what I remember.

…

The black marker.
Did you do that?

The what?

The marker, on your face.
Smeared there.
Big and black.
A smile.
Crudely painted
A little wiggly.
I-Imperfect.
That’s what you did?

That’s…
Oh.
I think that’s what I did.
I don’t know.
Now that you mention it, I…
I found it in the drawer—
—In the drawer?—
In the drawer
Where all the markers are
Where I color in my smile
On coloring books that I had
For the foals to use
But I saved one
And colored in it.

Since when?

Yesterday.
I…
Did Mayor Mare tell you anything?
She had this look on her face
A raised brow
A glance of shock
Her lips tugged out
Her jaw hung low
And my mind wracked her
Chaotically
As a concern
Loaded it messily
And then—

Pinkie.

It’s okay.

We’re going to help you.

I know what it is—
—You do? Oh you do?—
Yes—
I know what to do then! Smile, right?—
—No, Pinkie. No smiling, not yet anyway.—
Okey-dokey-lokey. Then what?

…

Just breathe.

Breathe in,
Breathe out,
Breathe in,
Breathe out,
Breathe in,
Breathe out,
Breathe in,
Breathe out,

And keep doing that,
Keep doing that,
Keep doing that—don’t hit it with your hoof—
Keep doing that,
There, there,
Relax.

You’re not silly
You’re Pinkie
You’re happy
You’re you
You’re everything you want to be.
There’s just a part of you that likes to disagree.
That’s fine.
That happens to all of us.
Yours just disagrees more.
And that’s fine too. We can help you with that.
Your friends can too.
Just…
Talk to them.

…

Tell them that you’re hurting. Even if you don’t know it.
It helps.

…

Pinkie?

…

Eugh…

Author's Note

I love you.
I miss you.
Is that enough?
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