Tales from the Cryp-salis: (Nightmare) Moon Over Paramours
(Nightmare) Moon Over Paramours
“Welcome back, my little hors d’oeuvres d’amour. Your old friend, the Chrys-keeper has returned! A creature of nightmares no longer, but instead, a pony who desires your love and admiration. . . for breakfast! Ahahaha! Tonight I have with me the original dark pony herself, Nightmare Moon!
Next to Queen Chrysalis sat a nervous Princess Luna. “Actually, I’m not Nightmare Moon any more. I turned good.”
“If you’ve turned, they you will be giving us a nice moon after all! Ahaha!”
“Please. I came here to improve my reputation.”
Chrysalis pursed her lips. “I’m sure. What’s a thousand years of darkness between friends, right? And exactly where were you when I was nearly taking over Canterlot?”
Luna looked down and pawed at the ground.
“Uh-oh,” said Chrysalis. “Looks like I’ve triggered a nervous tic. A Luna-tic! Ahahaha! And speaking of triggers, let’s pull it on tonight’s story, another twisted tale of humans in Equestria that I call, ‘(Nightmare) Moon Over Paramour’.”
“How do you put parentheses around a word while speaking?” asked Luna.
“Oh, that’s easy, if your teeth have had braces! Ahahaha!”
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“Art, come on! You know what Pinkie says: time is candy!”
On that particular October 31, with the streets already crawling with children and the trees already crawling with toilet paper, Lester’s request to his fellow brony Arthur was understandable. In addition to satisfying his sweet tooth, Les was eager to see his friend’s costume. By a tradition going all the way back to the prior year, they kept each other’s costumes from view until they were ready to go trick-or-treating. By another tradition, both their costumes were to be My Little Pony-themed.
Les paced in his own crimson outfit and slapped at the green construction-paper apple half on his hip, making sure that the scotch tape wasn’t coming loose. The centerpiece of the costume was the long papier-mâché snout that was modeled right on Big Macintosh’s image. For all that it had cost, he thought, it had better be show-accurate.
“I’m almost ready! Just because you bought your costume doesn’t mean that some of us don’t take pride in our Halloween appearance,” said Art.
“You mean that some of us have cosplaying girlfriends who spend weeks sewing for you, but can’t spare any time to make one for me.”
“Dude, did you just brag about not having a girlfriend?”
Les thought about what he had said. “Yeah. Like my dad would say, I’ve ranked myself out.”
“So you did. Anyway, I’m ready.”
Art strutted out of the back room, resplendent in cyan with the multicolored wig and tail streaming out behind him. He struck a cool pose and flashed his teeth.
“Really?” said Les. “Cross-play?”
“Yeah, you got a problem with that? Look, anyone who only knows the show in passing knows Rainbow Dash as the mascot, which means I’m more likely to get recognized. Besides, isn’t it more about orientation? I like girls, Rainbow Dash—“
“Don’t finish that sentence. Anyway, speaking of girls you like, where’s Mel?”
“We’re picking her up, remember?” said Art.
Art’s girlfriend Melisande lived a few houses down. Since they had reached driving age but neither had yet obtained a license, the proximity was particularly convenient. The two boys hoofed it over to her house and knocked on the door. A moment later the door opened to reveal a wall of orange.
“Of course,” said Les. “Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash. OTP.”
“Sexy Scootaloo, if you please,” said Mel. She put her hand to her lips and blew a kiss at them. Her skin-tight costume that showed off her midriff was indeed a little risqué.
“I very much do please,” said Art, giving her a kiss.
“Let’s go, you two.”
They went from house to house with their pillowcases, stocking up on sugary treats, before reaching the woods at the end of the block.
“What do you think? Should we cut through to the gated community?” asked Art.
“Nah, let’s just go around,” said Les. “Simple logic. There are houses on the road. There are none in the woods. There is more candy going that way. QED.”
“Actually,” said Mel, “they put up signs in the gated community that there’s no trick-or-treating after seven.”
Art reached into his street clothes underneath his costume and pulled out his phone. He flashed its clock at the others. It showed 6:52.
“That settles it,” he said. “We go through.”
“Do we really need to go there at all?” asked Mel.
Les spoke up. “Do you know who lives in gated communities? Rich people. Do you know what rich people have on Halloween? Full-sized candy bars. Full. Size. We’re probably not even going to have those in a few years with the state of health care, FFS.”
“I’d like it better if you stuck to Big Mac’s vocabulary,” said Art.
They hiked into the woods, which were not that large. Even as they entered, they saw what they thought were the street lights from the residential area. As they made their way through, the twilight and the lights seemed to swim together, and there was a weird kind of pressure wave that none of them understood.
As they emerged into a clearing, they saw that the lights were of torches instead of electric lights, and instead of the gated community there was a haphazard outskirts of thatched-roof buildings. All that was overshadowed by the dozen or so young ponies carrying buckets of candy in their mouths.
“Wow,” said Les. “They have really good pony costumes.”
The couple looked at him askance. “Dude, are you crazy?” said Art. “Those are real ponies. Which means this must be real Equestria!”
“Technically,” said Mel, “it’s the Everfree Forest, or at least the edge of it.”
“How do you know?”
Mel just pointed. The stone statue of Nightmare Moon with her teeth bared in striking pose was visible in the starlight and torchlight. The young ponies were approaching it.
“Cool!” said Art. “It must be Nightmare Night! Let’s watch the candy offering.”
The colts and fillies, escorted by a few adult ponies, came up to the statue and deposited a few pieces of candy each. It was not much of a sacrifice for them, but when they were all gone, there was an impressive pile laid at the statue’s foot. The ponies headed back to eat what they still had.
“Come on!” said Les. “Let’s go.”
“You mean go as in, go back to our home and safety?” said Mel.
“No, he means go as in, go into Ponyville and meet all the ponies!” said Art.
“Wrong on both counts. I mean go as in, go and get some of that candy!”
“But that’s the offering for Nightmare Moon!” said Mel.
“Yeah, but Nightmare Moon is really Princess Luna, and she’s not scary. I don’t even think she eats the candy, which means it’s just going to wash away in the next rain. It’s there for the taking!”
Les ran to the pile and started unwrapping pieces of candy. The other two quickly joined him.
A few minutes later, their bellies full and the sugar high beginning to kick in, Mel said, “Hey, I just thought of something. What’s the legend of Nightmare Night?”
Art looked at her. “We all know it. Nightmare Moon comes down, wants to gobble ponies, they wear costumes, she eats candy instead, so what?”
“Well, OK. But what are we dressed up as?”
Their realization was interrupted by the bolt of lightning and the crash of thunder, the former of which illuminated the second Nightmare Moon standing only a few feet away. It was identical to the statue in every way with the exception of being far more alive, hungry, and staring right at them.
The dark pony spoke. “Finally! After hundreds of years of descending to Equestria on the one night I am freed from my lunar prison, after seeing it peopled with nothing but ladybugs, zombies, clowns, chickens, and the occasional paper bag monster, at last I have found ponies to gobble up!”
Les and Mel backed away in fear, but Art just laughed at them. “Come on! Don’t you remember? We’re almost as big as her. She can’t gobble us up!”
Les pointed a shaky finger. “Tell that to the spell she’s casting!”
Art turned to see Nightmare Moon’s horn glowing and her head growing to the size of the rest of her body, and the sharp teeth separating to reveal a black maw. She descended on him and struck. Art could no longer claim his backside, or indeed any part of him, to be ungobbled.
“Ugh,” Nightmare Moon said, returning to her normal size. “I remember ponies tasting better than that.”
“We’re not ponies!” screamed Les, tearing off his Big Macintosh outfit, leaving himself only in jeans and a T-shirt. “We’re humans! Come on, Mel, take off your costume. We have to show her we’re not ponies!”
“But I don’t have on anything underneath!”
“It’s either go naked or be gobbled! OMG!”
Weighing decorum versus survival, Mel stripped down. Nightmare Moon stared at them through narrow eyes. “Wicked creatures from another dimension. Begone!”
She cast another spell from her horn and the two surviving humans found themselves back on the other side of the forest.
Well, thought Les, that’s one way to see your best friend’s girl nude. Wow, did I really think that? Too soon.
Mel started crying. “Oh, Arty!”
“Yeah, poor Art. RIP.”
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Chrysalis looked at Luna with a smirk on her face.
“Well, what do you have to say for yourself now, Nightmare? At least the humans save their gobbling for the next holiday.”
“Tis a lie! I would never be so blind as to mistake a human for a pony!”
“Really? Well, maybe the Moon hit your eye like a big pizza pie!”
Luna stood up to her full height. “My sister may have fallen to your powers, but I control the dark forces of the night. Prepare yourself for battle!”
“Take it easy, Loony. We’re just here to have a good time. And it’s just like when I did meet Celestia. We’re just hangin’ around! Ahaha!.”
Luna rolled her eyes and walked off.
“And for the rest of you, keep your love for me strong, whether it’s Nightmare Night or Hearts and Hooves Day. You never know when I want some candy hearts! Ahahaha!
