OH NO! ITS THE END! ITS THE END! BUT NOT FOR ME!
Hi friends, it's your friendly neighborhood dead-hanging human off of a tree, Jason Wright. Quick update on how things are going: IT'S PRETTY SHITTY, EVEN IN DEATH! You know, I really thought I was about to be sent to some paradise after I died, but no. I'm just stuck in my own body, sitting here rotting away. I don't know if there's some sort of waiting queue for heaven or what, but—actually, no, I might just go to hell since I took my own life... Oh well, who cares? In about 3-5 years, I'll come back like I always do because of some arbitrary reason and do what I have to after that.
But while we wait for the time skip to occur, I should inform the new people who don't know the tragic backstory that makes me into the Avengers-level threat I become in the future. I said that in a deep and brooding voice, by the way. While most people should know the basics of what makes me, well, me, it should be a good refresher.
As you all know, my name is Jason Wright. I lived a good life; nothing was wrong with it. I didn’t have a tragic life back on Earth. Yada yada yada, I saw the Pastel Pony show and I loved it. And while I just said there was nothing wrong with my earthly life and everything was going my way, I had to leave Earth because the BRONY inside me just needed to see the Sinister Six—oops, my bad, I mean the Mane Six. So, with some voodoo magic that changes with every iteration of me, I was able to go to Pony world and leave my perfectly normal and not-tragic earthly life behind.
BUT! As we all know, not everything is sunshine and rainbows. I got to Pony land, I met the fucker that is Princess Cake Butt, we talked, and she sentenced me to Ponyville. Now that I think about it, I should have just stayed where I was. Anyway, I get to Ponyville, and I try to talk to the Mane Six. They are nothing like how they are in the show. Now, I was never a guy who believed in the multiverse, but I certainly got sent to the wrong universe because these fucks were assholes.
Twilight Sparkle slammed a door in my face—that was just rude and uncalled for. Did her parents ever teach her manners? Next, we have Applejack, who chased me off her farm. Could not even get a good apple to eat... I think the next one after that was Fluttershy. She just fainted when she saw me. Am I really that ugly? Next was, ugh, Rainbow Crash... She would always try to strike me with lightning. FUCKING LIGHTNING, PEOPLE! I don’t know how I survived so many times. When you think about it, I should have died from a lightning strike, not a fucking rope around my neck. But oh well, the outcome would have been the same.
The next one would be Rarity. She just chased me away like Applejack. She did call me, and I quote, a "boorish, lanky creature," which makes no sense. What the hell does 'boorish' even mean? And finally, the pink one. You know, I really hoped I would get somewhere with her, but nope, she just ignored me. Pinkie Pie ignoring people. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? And it wasn’t just the Mane Six; all of Ponyville, down to every last one of them, treated me like a monster for 3 years, if I remember correctly. And then... well, you all know what I did to escape that life.
It must have been 3-5 years already, friend, because Discord just appeared in front of my dead body. I wonder what he could possibly be doing. Spoiler alert: he's going to revive me. I watched as my casket was opened and I felt chaos magic surging through my body. I landed on the ground with a thud, got up, and dusted myself off.
“Well, how do you feel?” the chaos god spoke.
“You want to know how I feel? I feel like I could go on my revenge arc right now!”
“Good, because I will be helping you with it.”
“What’s your reasoning for helping me? Are you not reformed?” Discord shrugged his shoulders at me.
“Story has to progress somehow.”
“Ah, I see. So you're the McGuffin... Do I get chaos magic?”
“Of course you get magic. What kind of silly question is that?” I nodded as I used the chaos magic to summon a book.
“What’s that?” Discord questioned, appearing behind me in a flash.
“This, my friend, is the Jason Handbook to Revenge 101.” I opened up the book, licked my finger, and began to skim the pages, looking for a certain one.
“Ah yes, here it is.” I put a finger to my lips as I began to read. “Okay, okay, I was already planning on doing that... That's just common sense. I should take him out as soon as possible.” I closed the book and smiled.
“Discord.”
“Yeah?”
“Put a timer on. We are speedrunning this shit.”
I appeared in front of a door. I knocked on it as I waited for the door to open.
“Coming,” a male voice said from the other side. The door finally opened, and I was met face-to-face with my fellow human.
“No fucking—”
“All the fucking way, Gregory Graystone.” He took a step back, and I took a step forward. I held out my hand to him.
“Shake my hand, friend.” He slowly moved his hand toward mine, only for me to ball up my fist and punch him straight in the face. He went flying into a wall as he began to cough.
“W-what the fuck!?” Gregory said as he kept coughing. I began to walk toward Gregory, of course In a slow and menacing way, only for a pony to run down the stairs and get between me and Gregory.
“I WON'T LET YOU HURT HIM!” You would not believe who was standing in front of me.
“Too late for that, Agent Sweetie Drops... I already HAVE! Anyway, I would say get out of my way, Bon Bon, but you were one of the many inhabitants of Ponyville that hurt me so much. So I'll just kill you as well. You can die with Gregory if you like.”
“WHAT THE FUCK! I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO YOU! WHY ARE YOU COMING AFTER ME?!” Poor Gregory had no idea of his role.
"While I don't really care why you're here, Gregory Graystone, the fact that you are here isn’t great for my awesome, ultimate, and edgy revenge. See, when I come back to life, you just have to be wandering around the pony world. Eventually, you'll try to stop or reform me, yada, yada, yada. You're the main character now. Blah, blah, blah." Gregory looked at me with the most confused expression I had ever seen.
“In all honesty, you should be on my side. Without me, there would be no Gregory Graystone. I created you.” Bon Bon looked back at Gregory.
"He created you?!"
“I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S TALKING ABOUT. HE’S TALKING CRAZY, BON BON!”
“Anyway, I can’t let your main character plot armor get in the way of my plans. Better to kill you off now.” I lifted my hand and blasted at Gregory, but Bon Bon quickly raised a shield. I rolled my eyes, annoyed.
“Well, I guess you made your choice.” I put more force into the beam as Bon Bon’s shield began to crack. After a while, it shattered, and I wiped both the pony and my human counterpart off the map.
“Good. Now, let me check the list.” I pulled out a piece of paper and a pen from my back pocket, crossing Killing Gregory off my shopping list.
“Okay, now that that’s done, I’d go after the Mane Six next, but I feel like stopping in Canterlot first.” I looked behind me to see if Discord had followed, but he was gone. Sad. I guess I’ll have to finish the job myself.
I snapped my fingers and appeared on a mountain, looking down at Canterlot. To my left, I saw some sort of protest happening at the castle gates. If you know, you know, fellas. I snapped my fingers again and was now in the middle of the crowd. They were so focused on their protest that no one noticed me.
“HOW CAN WE LET THESE THINGS SLIDE?!” a pony yelled.
“WHO KNOWS? WHO'S NEXT? IT COULD BE ME THAT GETS RUN OUT OF TOWN!” shouted a griffon. I stroked my chin, pondering what they could be protesting about. Oh, right. About me, of course.
"HOW WILL WE KNOW IF ONE OF US WILL BE THE NEXT JASON WRIG—" Well, I think it’s time I made my entrance.
“DON’T WORRY, FRIENDS! I AM THE MESSIAH, AND I SACRIFICED MYSELF SO THAT NO CREATURE WOULD EVER BE PERSECUTED BY PONYKIND AGAIN! AMEN!” Everyone in the crowd looked at me like they had seen a ghost. Even the guards holding back the rowdier protesters froze. One pony approached me and touched my leg.
“You’re...alive.”
“Very much so. It was foretold in the scripts, that in the fourth year after my death, I would rise again and bring justice for my wrongful demise!” I clapped my hands, making the gate behind the guards disappear.
“Now, my fellow creatures, go COMMIT VIOLENCE!” I clapped again, and the crowd rushed into Canterlot Castle, overwhelming the guards like they weren’t even there.
"WHAT IN MY NAME?!" I looked up to see Celestia staring down in shock. Her eyes scanned the chaos below her, then landed on me. Her expression changed from shock to horror. I gave her a little wave and smiled. She began to back away, but then bumped into me—I had already teleported behind her.
“Ah! No! You’re not real!”
“Oh, I’m very real. If I weren’t, would I be able to do this?” I booped her nose hard, sending her onto her flank.
“Jason—"
"Ah, don’t ‘Jason’ me, woman. You sentenced me to death the moment you told me to go to Ponyville."
"B-but Jason, how was I supposed to know back—"
“Oh, stop yapping. Just admit that you can’t rule your damn country and accept that it’s a skill issue. You’ve let your ponies become so intolerant that they can’t accept anything that’s not their own.”
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. I snapped my fingers and teleported us to a new room.
"Jason, just—wait, where are we?" Celestia asked, looking around.
"PREPARE THYSELF, BITCH! YOU'RE ON TRIAL!" I said smugly.
"Wait, hold on—why? Discord? Is that you?!" She looked to her left, where Discord sat in the judge's seat, wearing a powdered wig.
"Fantastic! The verdict won’t be biased at all!" I laughed.
“Wait, what am I even on trial for?” Celestia asked.
"Involuntary manslaughter.”
“WHAT?! H-HOW?!”
“You sent me to Ponyville, did you not?”
“Yes, but you—”
“Killed myself? Sure, but I wouldn’t have done that if I’d never set foot in
that place in the first place.”
“Well… that uh..." She stammered. I grinned and turned to Discord.
“Any rebuttals, Princess?” Discord asked.
"Yeah well, you would have never died if you never came to Equestria in the first place. You should have stayed in your world and lived your comfortable human life." I frowned.
"First off, only I can make fun of my decision-making. Second, your mother left you when you were four, your dad never came back with the milk, you eat eight pounds of cake a day, and it all goes straight to your flanks—damn bitch eat a salad! You’re insecure, fake as hell, and you’re not even the best pony.”
Celestia was speechless after my completely awesome rebuttal. Discord sighed.
“In the first degree of involuntary manslaughter, I find Princess Celestia guilty. You will serve your punishment on the moon.” With a snap of his
fingers, Discord sent her to the moon. She vanished from view.
I stretched and teleported back to Ponyville.
“Alright, Discord, what’s our time looking like?”
“Ten minutes.”
“Alright, let’s lock in and shave off some time.”
First up was Twilight Sparkle. I teleported to her house and went invisible. I saw her lounging on her couch and teleported her outside, right in front of her door. I flew down to the other side and locked it. I heard her mutter a confused “What?” as she tried the door.
"You gotta knock first."
“W-what? Who’s in my house?!”
"You gotta knock if you want to be let inside"
She groaned. "What if I just teleport back in?"
I chuckled. "You can’t. Nice try, though."
“What are you talking about—AAAAAH! WHO PUT A MAGIC BLOCKER ON MY HORN!?” She let out a defeated sigh and knocked. I opened the door, and the look on her face was priceless.
“Jason—”
I raised my hand in her face. “Sorry, I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR PONIES!” I slammed the door using Chaos Magic to enhance my strength, sending the door flying off its hinges and into Twilight, launching her into the distance.
I checked her off my list and teleported to my next victim.
I watched as Applejack stared at the noose on the tree I had used all those years ago. It didn't really feel like years, though. Time might move differently when you're dead—who knows? I teleported next to her, causing her to recoil in surprise.
"Dear Celestia, you—Jason?!"
"Yes, it's me, Jason. How many times will you guys question whether it's really me?"
"No, you're just another figment of—"
"I am very much real, and so is this." I snapped my fingers, and Applejack's chest caved in, making her collapse to the ground.
"Sorry, Applejack, I couldn't think of a good punishment for you. Don't worry, I just punished you for something one of your alternate versions did. That buck mark won't be coming out anytime soon. You might want to grab some painkillers for that." I patted her head and teleported to my next target.
I appeared inside Fluttershy's cottage, looking around for the shy mare. I didn’t have to look far, as she stepped out of a nearby room and just stared at me in shock. At least she didn’t faint right away.
“Since you think I am so ugly how about I help your troubles and make it to where you never see again." I clapped my hands together, channeling chaos magic.
"AND THY PUNISHMENT IS BLINDNESS!"
Fluttershy screamed about how she couldn’t see as she ran around, eventually smacking into a wall and knocking herself out.
"Womp, womp."
To save you all the time (since this is getting pretty long now), I turned Rarity into a ‘boorish and lanky creature.’ Use your imagination for that one, And I gave the pink pony depression. I Also struck Rainbow Dash with lighting. Good, all caught up? Now I’m overlooking all of Ponyville, about to pull a small prank.
I raised my arms into the air, causing the ground beneath Ponyville to shake as a sinkhole opened up, swallowing the whole town.
"Finally! And that’s that. Discord, that should have been a world record, right?" Discord slowly turned to me, glaring at me.
"Well, what’s got you in a sour mood?" He sighed and recomposed himself.
"Nothing! Now about your time... I tried to stop it, and it won’t stop."
"What do you mean it won’t stop?"
"I mean, I tried to stop the timer, and it just won’t work. Are you sure you did everything?"
"Yes, I’m sure. Unless..." I was interrupted as a beam of light shot up from a nearby forest. Discord glanced at the light, confused, then back at me.
"What the hell is that?"
"I think that would be my antithesis, my coup de grâce—my end, some might say."
"Hold on, what?"
"I don’t think the speedrun ends until I die again or I... reform."
"That... okay, you know what, never mind. Just reform and—"
"Reform? Are you crazy? I'd rather die. Dying is super based."
"Please, just get this story over with. Being on your side is getting tiring," Discord groaned, rubbing his temples. I looked over at the beam of light as my name echoed in the distance.
"WRRRIIGGHHTTTTT!!!!"
I watched as a figure emerged from the light and landed on the ruins of Ponyville. I slowly descended to the ground, smiling.
"My old friend Gregory. Oh, I love the new look! The wings and the horn... very nice, although spare me the backstory about how you ended up looking like an Alicorn crossbreed with a human, and just—"
"I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"
"Wow, edgy much. Anyway, I know you want to kill me for what I did to your mare friend."
"How did you—?!"
"Oh please, it was plain as day. Anyway, I don’t feel like dragging this out more than I already have, so how about a compromise?" I clapped my hands, summoning a huge tree from the ground and looping a rope around it, fashioning a noose. When I finished, I looked back to Gregory, who was shaking his head in... disappointment?!
"Ta-da! I’ll just kill myself again."
"You’re not even going to fight me, you coward?!" I walked over to the noose, summoned a chair, and stood on it, putting my neck through the loop.
"Nah, that’s more work, and I pretty much did everything I had to. So I'll save us both some time." I kicked the chair away, and the noose tightened around my neck, killing me instantly.
I sighed as I found myself back in my dead body. However, something changed this time. I felt my soul detach from my corpse as the gates of hell opened beneath my feet.
Well, that’s all folks.
I jumped into the hole, grinning the whole way down. One last thing before I go to the underworld for my crimes. To all other Jason Wrights out there... Y'ALL SUCK! I COMPLETED MY ENTIRE ARC IN A SINGLE CHAPTER. COPE! As I neared the fiery depths of hell, there was only one thing left to do.
"THE!"
"FUCKING!"
"END!"
