-CLASSIFIED-
For Canterlot Medical Research Only
Patient Name: Pinkamena Diane Pie - Subject 3
Primary Physician: Dr. Quest Colton PhD
Date Range of Anomalous Affliction: 12/13/1523 A.B. (After Banishment) - 02/28/1524 A.B.
Patient Name: Rainbow Dash - Subject 4
Primary Physician: Dr. Quest Colton PhD
Date Range of Anomalous Affliction: 12/13/1523 A.B. - 02/19/1524 A.B.
Case Summary:
The following case involves two of Equestria’s Saviors; Bearers of the Elements of Laughter and Loyalty. Pinkamena (aka Pinkie Pie), age 543; and Rainbow Dash, age 544; simultaneously experienced and suffered baffling infectious afflictions. Although their cases were originally filed separately, the observations and treatments for Subjects 3 and 4 ran congruently. At Dr. Colton’s request, their files have been compared and compiled into one case study. The treatments used for these subjects were ultimately ineffective, so the following data logs have been compiled for research purposes in an effort to find a cure.
Data Log - Hoofsday, 26th of Decembridle, 14 days after the end of the Reign of Friendship
The following recording was obtained, and later submitted, by Mr. Pecan Pie. Mr. Pie informed staff that the recording came directly from his answering machine. Below is a transcription of the recording:
BEEP
[Both Subjects heartily exclaim in unison]
“HAPPY HEARTH'S WARMING, PIE FAMILY!”
Subject 3: “ …Well, LATE Hearth's Warming. But we’re only off by a day!”
Subject 4: “And hey, we’re early for the new year!”
Subject 3: “HAPPY NEW YEAAAARRRR! Oop! Sorry Dashie, that was right in your ear, huh?”
Subject 4: “No, no, after a few years I got used to the ringing in my ears.”
[Subject 3 giggles apologetically]
Subject 3: “Oopsie Poopsie! Here I’ll kiss it aaaaall better. MWAH!”
[The sound of Subject 3 kissing Subject 4 on the ear is heard, and is followed by chuckles from Subject 4]
Subject 4: “Cut it out! The family doesn’t wanna hear all that. Think of the fillies, Pinkie!”
[Subject 3 laughs again]
Subject 3: “Aww those petites lil Pies all know and love their Auntie Dashie! Buuuut I bet I just made them turn up their noses and scrunch up their little faces at the thought of ponies KISSING!”
[Subject 3 continues laughing, audible strain is heard from the subject as she attempts to stop, and fails to do so]
Subject 4: “Okay Pinkie, it’s not that funny…. What are you doing? How-- how are you doing that?!”
[Subject 3 continues through fits of laughter]
Subject 3: “I don’t know! Giggle I just feel all bubbly swimmy-whimmy inside!”
Subject 4: “But your hooves aren’t even touching the ground! You’re… you’re floating!?”
[Subject 3’s laughter continues, though sounds strained and uncomfortable]
Subject 3: “I am?! They say loving somepony else makes you feel lighter than air, but this is ridiculous!”
Subject 4: “Pinkie! Stoppit! Get back down here! IT’S NOT THAT FUNNY! Cut it out! You’re scaring me!”
[Subject 3 sounds distressed in her fit of giggles, until a whoosh is heard along with a crackle of electricity]
Subject 3: “Ahhh!”
[Subject 3 stops laughing immediately, and Subjects 3 and 4 are then heard crash-landing onto the floor. There are a few beats of shocked and confused silence.]
Subject 4: “Pinkie! Are you okay??”
Subject 3: “I think so. But…why’d you shock me?”
Subject 4: “I didn’t! I… I mean, I didn’t mean to. You were going to hit the ceiling, I just… Maybe I took off too fast. I told you shag carpets were a bad idea.”
Subject 3: “Maybe… All of this was a bad idea, Dashie. We were supposed to be back in time for Hearths Warming, and now we’re stuck in some stupid hotel half-way across Equestria! Hearth's Warming is supposed to be about FAMILY Dashie, not Mourn-cations to Mount Aris so we can cry about Twilight!”
Subject 4: “Wait! The phone is still recording!”
Subject 3: “Quick! Hang up! No wait, press Star 36!”
Subject 4: “Star…what?”
Subject 3: “It erases the message and we can start over! The Pies need to hear us being happy and hopeful for the holiday! It’s the least we can do since we missed it.”
[Sounds of buttons being pressed on the phone are heard]
Mr. Pecan Pie received a second, much shorter voicemail from Subjects 3 and 4 wishing him and his family happy holidays. Mr. Pie called Subjects 3 and 4 back a few hours later. He urged them to seek medical attention immediately for the anomalies that he described as “baffling and worrisome”. Subjects 3 and 4 declined medical attention or advice.
Observation Notes - Trotsday, 1st of Foaluary, Initial Intake
At the behest of Dr. Colton, Nurse Jolly Hope was dispatched to Ponyville to locate Subjects 3 and 4 so they could be transported and admitted to Canterlot General.
Nurse Jolly Hope found the subjects at their residence in Ponyville, but indicated that neither of them was compliant with the doctor’s orders. The following is a transcript of the recorded statement from Nurse Jolly Hope about the encounter:
“For a long while, nopony responded to my knocking at the door. I was sure they were inside though, I caught curtain movement in the corner of my eye. Eventually, Rainbow Dash answered the door, but she kept it open just a crack so that we could have a conversation without actually allowing me inside. Her behavior was initially erratic, demanding to know who had called the doctor, and insisting that they were fine. I implored for her to allow me access, but she vehemently denied it. She pressed me for more information, but I relayed to her only what Doctor Colton had instructed me to. To be honest, I didn’t really know the full extent of the issue anyway, I just… do what I’m told. The conversation lasted less than a minute before the door was slammed shut again, and I heard it locking from inside. I called the doctor from a pay phone nearby, and was told to wait for assistance to arrive. I was also instructed to audio record any additional conversations with the patients during the journey from Ponyville to Canterlot. Dr. Colton was adamant that the utmost care and gentility be applied to the situation, even though the patients would be remanded without their consent. I’ll admit, I was a little more than surprised when I saw Canterlot Guard arriving with the orderlies, but Dr. Colton was right to include them. Without their help, we wouldn’t have gotten them back to the hospital.”
Nurse Jolly Hope complied with the Doctor’s request and recorded their second encounter with Subject 4, along with the resulting struggle from both Subjects 3 and 4. Below is a transcription of the recorded message:
[A loud knocking is heard]
Nurse Jolly Hope: “Rainbow Dash? It’s Nurse Jolly Hope again. I really must insist that you let us inside, we’re only trying to help you.”
[A shuffling is heard behind the closed door]
Subject 4: “What do you mean US?”
Nurse Jolly Hope: “As I explained before, a team of professionals has had to come assist me in--”
Subject 3: “Those aren’t doctors! They’re guards! Why did they send GUARDS? What are they gonna do to us, Dashie?!”
Nurse Jolly Hope: “Pinkie Pie? Is that you?”
Subject 4: “DON’T YOU TALK TO HER! Tell those guards to get lost! We don’t need you OR them! We’re FINE!”
[A shuffling noise is heard as Nurse Jolly Hope converses with orderlies and guards]
Nurse Jolly Hope: “Yeah, it’s been like this for over an hour. I don’t think they’re going to let us in willingly. I think you’ll have to… er…”
Guard: “Step aside.”
[Another shuffling sound accompanied with the clank of metal armor.]
Guard: “Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. By order of Dr. Colton, you are to be detained and transported to Canterlot General effective immediately. Please step away from the door.”
Subject 4: “You can’t do this! You can’t just FORCE us to--”
[An explosion of magic and splintering wood. It is followed by a chorus of grunts and the sound of struggle]
Subject 4: “NO! GET YOUR HOOVES OFF ME! …PINKIE!”
Subject 3: “I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU THEY’RE THE ONES WHO HAVE RARITY AND FLUTTERSHY!”
Guard: “What in the…”
Subject 4: “WHO ARE YOU PONIES!? DON’T YOU TOUCH HER!”
Subject 3: “DASHIE! LEAVE HER ALONE!”
Nurse Jolly Hope: “Calm down! We’re only trying to help!”
Subject 4: “GET THAT THING OUT OF MY FACE!”
Nurse Jolly Hope was unable to obtain any more recorded audio from this incident as Subject 4 kicked the tape recorder from their hooves, causing it to smash onto the pavement. Subjects 3 and 4 were eventually admitted to Canterlot General.
Data Log - Subject 3 - Flanksday, 2nd of Foaluary, 1st day of hospital stay.
Primary Nurse: Nurse Sweet Bee
Tests Ordered: Spirometry, Bronchoscopy, Blood Analysis
Procedure(s) performed: CT Scan
Result: Unknown chest cavity growth detected.
Subject Notes:
Subject 3 arrived at Canterlot General sedated. Subject 3 is in a state of upheaval; her mane, tail, and fur are disheveled with 26 distinct bruises on her torso, flanks, neck, head, and hooves. Some of these bruises are congruent with the accounts of the orderlies and guards who had to exert force in retrieving the Subject from her place of residence.
Other observations of note include: dark circles under Subject 3’s eyes, sunken cheeks, indicators of malnourishment, and discolored fur.
The most notable ailment affecting Subject 3 is her enlarged and misshapen chest. After running the initial tests, it has been determined that an unknown growth in the chest cavity is causing Subject 3’s ribcages to press up against her fur and jut outward. Additionally, Subject 3 has shown instances of shortness of breath and a wheeze akin to fatigued laughter.
Dr. Colton has appointed Nurse Sweet Bee as head Nurse for this subject. Nurse Sweet Bee was informed of the Subject's hostility towards staff during the admittance process, and was instructed to be accompanied by at least two orderlies whenever she was to come into contact with Subject 3. Due to magical limitations of the security cameras and their inability to capture sound, her initial meeting and observation of Subject 3 was audio recorded. Below is a transcription of the recording:
Nurse Sweet Bee: “Good Morning Ms Pie, my name is--”
Subject 3: “Where’s Dashie?”
Nurse Sweet Bee: “Ms Pie, I--”
Subject 3: “Pinkie.”
Nurse Sweet Bee: “Pinkie. I’m not at liberty to divulge information about other patients at this time…”
[Audible sound of Pinkie sobbing and wheezing]
Nurse Sweet Bee: “She’s okay, Pinkie. We’re taking good care of her, I promise.”
Subject 3: “What… have you done… to me?”
Nurse Sweet Bee: “We had to sedate you when our staff couldn’t get you to the hospital amicably.”
Subject 3: “Am-Amicably… heh… that sounds like… a Twilight word…”
Nurse Sweet Bee: “Are you having trouble breathing, Pinkie?”
Subject 3: “Please let me… see Dashie. I …promise I’ll… be good. I’ll do… whatever you say…”
Nurse Sweet Bee: “Pinkie, please, calm down. The doctor wants to fix your breathing first, okay?”
Subject 3: “No! I… want to see… DASHIE!”
[Subject 3 laughs abnormally]
Nurse Sweet Bee: “...Pinkie? Why are you laughing?”
Subject 3: “I laugh… when I’m in… pain. It makes… the owies… go away… but this time… the laughing IS the owie.”
Nurse Sweet Bee: “Okay, just calm down… shhhh…”
[Muffled indistinct shouting from the next room is heard]
Subject 3: “What was that?! D-Dashie?!”
[Audible sounds of shifting on a hospital bed]
Subject 3: “DASHIE? SHE’S… ON THE OTHER… SIDE OF THIS WALL!”
Nurse Sweet Bee: “What have you done to your bed sheets?”
Subject 3: “Don’t touch that!! If… if you untie me… I’ll float away! Dashie was still tryin’ to… to teach me how to… how to fly! And now I’ll… never see my… my Dashie… or my friends… ever again!”
Nurse Sweet Bee: “Please, calm down. We don’t want you to aggravate your condition. You’ll see Dashie, and all of your friends, just as soon as we get you all better--”
Subject 3: “LIAR! You’re… you’re a fucking liar… I can’t see… all of my friends… because Twilight is…”
[A long pause]
Subject 3: “And Rarity? …Fluttershy? …YOU took them, didn’t you?! YOU’RE doing… something to…”
[Laughter intensifies in addition to coughing and sputtering]
Nurse Sweet Bee: “Pinkie? Pinkie! Orderlies! Hold her steady. Hang on Pinkie, Shhh… it’ll be okay.”
Subject 3: “She’s all… I have left… Cheesie's gone… and she's my Dashie… my everything… please…”
Nurse Sweet Bee: “We’ll get you all fixed up, I promise. Just rest.”
Subject 3 was sedated after this initial interview for the health and safety of the patient and staff.
Data Log - Subject 4 - Flanksday, 2nd of Foaluary, 1st day of hospital stay.
Primary Nurse: Nurse Jolly Hope
Tests Ordered: N/A
Procedure(s) performed: None
Result: N/A
Subject Notes:
Subject 4 arrived at Canterlot General exhibiting extreme hostility. While in transport from Ponyville, Jolly Hope attempted several times, with different dosages, to sedate Subject 4; all with no success. While attempting to admit the patient, several guards and staff members sustained injuries resulting in bruising and abrasions. Two orderlies and one night nurse are being examined for possible concussions. Observation of Subject 4 is difficult, due to the Subject’s abnormal agility and aggression. Jolly Hope made the following statement about Subject 4’s condition in his initial and only interview:
“It was so hard to tell! I mean, she looked haggard, sleep deprived, and malnourished like Pinkie Pie, but that was on the off chance I could even catch a glimpse of her at all! She was fiercely protective of Pinkie, and kept screaming about conspiracies… I think she thinks Dr. Colton is trying to hurt her and her friends. It was a miracle the orderlies and guards could wrestle her down the way they did… I hated seeing one of my personal idols just so… crazed and wild like that. She kept rubbing her hooves on the train’s carpet then shocking everypony. I swear, if they had been any stronger, we’d be treating burns!”
Dr. Colton initially dismissed Jolly Hope as Subject 4’s primary nurse after hearing the details of the struggle. However, Jolly Hope insisted on remaining as the primary nurse. After all ponies involved in the ordeal had been attended to, Jolly Hope assembled a small group of orderlies and nurses to join him in an attempt to examine Subject 4. At Dr. Colton’s request, the interaction was audio recorded. Below is a transcription of the recording:
Nurse Jolly Hope: “Ms Rainbow Dash? It’s Nurse Jolly Hope. I have some of my colleagues with me here. We’d like to talk if that’s alright with you?”
[A response is heard from behind the closed door]
Subject 4: “Leave me alone.”
Nurse Jolly Hope: “Ms Dash, I have some concerns about your overall well being after such an… unfortunate ordeal.”
Subject 4: “I SAID FUCK OFF!”
Nurse Jolly Hope: “Ms Dash, please, this is a place of healing, and the doctor and I are very concerned about you and Pinkie--”
Subject 4: “WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS PINKIE?”
Nurse Jolly Hope: “If I could just come inside and talk to you--”
[Muffled indistinct shouting from the next room is heard]
Subject 4: “Pinkie? Pinkie is that you?! I’m here! I’m right here Pinkie! Hang on, I’ll come find you!”
Nurse Jolly Hope: “Ms Dash…”
[Audible sounds of Rainbow Dash trying to open the door]
Nurse Jolly Hope: “Ms Dash, the room is locked from the outside, and will remain that way until we can come to some kind of agreement about how to move forward… Ms Dash, beating the door down will not work!”
Subject 4: “LET. ME. OUT!”
Nurse Jolly Hope: “Please, Ms Dash. We are trying to help you!”
Subject 4: “PINKIE? PINKIE! SAY SOMETHING!”
Nurse Jolly Hope: “It’s not working, I think we need to-- AHH!”
[Sound of electric shock]
Orderly 1: “Nurse Jolly Hope! Jolly, what happened? Code Magenta! Code Magenta!”
This concluded the audio recording
The explosion heard on the tape was electric current transmitted from the metal door handle of Subject 4’s room to Jolly Hope’s metal horseshoe. Voltage testing was unavailable at the time, but the current is estimated to be over 300 volts and milliamps at the time of the shock.
Due to the intensity of the shock, Jolly Hope suffered muscular paralysis, cardiac arrest, and a ruptured limb. Staff at the scene rushed him to the emergency wing in an attempt to resuscitate, but he was officially declared deceased at 1:03 A.M.
After the incident, Subject 4 no longer attempted to leave her room and remained quiet for the rest of the evening.
Data Log - Subject 3 - Hoofsday, 6th of Foaluary, 5th day of hospital stay
Procedure(s) performed: 5th Torso CT Scan
Result: Inconclusive Data
Additional Test Results: After extensive testing, multiple CT scans, and a thorough Bronchoscopy, Dr. Colton has identified Subject 3’s anomaly as unprecedented lung growth. A sample of a foreign liquid substance, that was found to be lining the enlarged lungs, has been collected and sent for further testing.
Subject Notes:
It has become increasingly difficult to properly care for Subject 3. Nurse Sweet Bee and staff have reported non-stop fits of laughter that range from soft giggling to uproarious guffaws. The Subject is unable to speak in full sentences due to the excessive amount of laughter. Subject 3’s chest has grown another 3 inches in girth, making the chest 78% larger than pony average. In addition, Subject 3 has been restrained to her bed for the past three days, due to the unexplainable phenomenon of “floating”. Unless weighed or strapped down, the Subject will float to the ceiling of the room. Nurse Sweet Bee reports a substantially reduced appetite in Subject 3, and the increasing difficulty of getting the subject to ingest food of any kind amidst fits of laughter.
Multiple asthmatic members of staff have requested to keep Subject 3 out of their rotations. These staff members indicate an increase of breathing difficulty in this room specifically. Mandatory masks worn by all hospital staff do not seem to impede the irritant.
Data Log - Subject 4 - Hoofsday, 6th of Foaluary, 5th day of hospital stay
Procedure(s) performed: N/A
Result: N/A
Subject Notes:
This is the 5th consecutive day that security camera footage has been unable to properly capture Subject 4’s movements. Security footage has been duplicated and sent to outside facilities in the hope that the indecipherable images can be fixed and enhanced. Subject 4’s current state is still unknown. The subject offers very little information about her condition and has opted to only speak to Subject 3’s Nurse, Nurse Sweet Bee. She only speaks to garner information about Subject 3 and her afflictions. Conversation is short, but often emotionally charged.
Staff have been ordered not to touch any metal, or other electrical conductors, in or around Subject 4’s room. Metal horseshoes are forbidden on the third floor of Canterlot General. Meals are provided on wooden trays and slid through a slot cut into the bottom of the door. Subject 4 returns the tray through the same slot once the meal has been consumed. Dr. Colton instructed Nurse Sweet Bee to record any and all interactions she has with Subject 4. The following clip was recorded at the time of the evening meal. Below is a transcription of the recording:
Nurse Sweet Bee: “Rainbow Dash? I have your dinner here.”
Subject 4: “How is she?”
Nurse Sweet Bee: “We’re going to try to move up the surgery, we don’t have the results we wanted yet, but…”
Subject 4: “But what?”
Nurse Sweet Bee: “But we are concerned about Pinkie’s chest cavity and the rapid growth.”
Subject 4: “Can you even do that? Remove part of a pony’s lungs? I’m pretty sure you still need them both to survive.”
Nurse Sweet Bee: “The doctor will do everything she can… but let’s talk about you. Your speech patterns are becoming increasingly rapid, are you aware of that or…”
Subject 4: “Wait, doctor? What fucking doctor? That bitch is a joke! I don’t know what Twilight ever saw in her!”
Nurse Sweet Bee: “Dr. Colton is very busy helping other patients as quickly and effectively as she can…”
[A shift noise is heard, Subject 4 is attempting to take the tray and end the conversation]
Nurse Sweet Bee: “H-hang on! Rainbow Dash, please, we are very concerned about you…”
Subject 4: “Why would you be? I killed a pony, didn’t I?”
Nurse Sweet Bee: “An electric shock killed Nurse Jolly Hope, not you. Rainbow Dash? Sigh. Rainbow Dash, we just want to understand--”
Subject 4: “Help Pinkie, and then I’ll tell you whatever you want to know. Just… keep ponies away from me, alright?”
Following this recorded incident, pony analysts determined Subject 4’s speech patterns were changing in acceleration by 10% each day. Subject 4 has continued to ignore all other staff.
The following is from the desk of Dr. Quest Colton:
For the current case study, all observation notes and data logs between the dates 02/07/1524 - 02/21/1524 have been REDACTED.
(A sticky note that says these files are being processed in Twilight’s lab)
Observation Notes - Subject 3 - Trotsday, 22nd of Foaluary, 21st day of hospital stay.
At 6:32 P.M., Staff heard an unfamiliar sound coming from Subject 3’s room.
As staff rushed to check on Subject 3, Nurse Sweet Bee started up an audio recording hoping to catch the sound that staff described as a “loud, wet bang.” Below is a transcription of the recording:
[Subject 3 is heard through a cacophony of bursts, squelches, and gagging/choking]
Nurse Sweet Bee: “Out of my way! OUT OF MY WAY! I need to--”
[Another burst is heard, and staff are heard retreating]
Nurse Sweet Bee: “What in tartarus was… Is that? Are those?”
Subject 4: “Pinkie! Pinkie talk to me! What’s going on?! What are they doing to you? Pinkie say something! Pinkie PLEASE! Somepony help her! HELP HER!”
Orderly 2: “Rib bones… her lungs they’re… they’re bursting out of her chest!”
Orderly 1: “The bed!”
Nurse Sweet Bee: “It’s lifting off the ground! Look out! She can’t control it!”
Subject 4: “Pinkie?! What’s going on in there?! Somepony tell me what’s going on right now or I’ll bust through this wall myself! I knew you were up to no good, you monsters! You’ve been the one doing all of this all along! Pinkie was right, you’re all involved! It’s some big anti friendship conspiracy!”
[The electricity in the room starts to hum louder as Subject 4’s animosity and confusion grow]
Nurse Sweet Bee: “RAINBOW DASH, CALM DOWN! We can’t understand a word you’re saying! Just--”
[Another explosion is heard, this time an electric one combined with hospital walls crumbling from the impact]
This concludes the audio recording.
Retroactively, Lab technicians were able to isolate and decelerate the audio coming from Subject 4's room. The decipherable dialogue has been attached.
An unprecedented explosion of electric proportions came from Subject 4’s room immediately following this recording. The explosion decimated the wall between Subject 3 and Subject 4’s rooms. Staff and patients within the vicinity of the explosion were rushed to safety. 16 ponies were injured, 1 killed. Initial observations concluded Subjects 3 and 4 had perished in the explosion. Large cracks in the walls of the room revealed a continuous, brightly colored electric surge of energy barely contained within. Earth pony and pegasi staff and patients were evacuated from the 3rd floor of the hospital. Dr. Colton and other unicorn staff members remained to magically contain the electricity in Subject 3 and 4’s rooms. Staff and patients were allowed back onto the 3rd floor hours later after the threat was neutralized.
Observation Notes - Subject 3 - Canterday, 24th of Foaluary
Sightings of Subject 3 have been reported by multiple ponies around Canterlot. The Subject had not perished as staff had initially believed, but instead had escaped. From these multiple accounts, Subject 3 was described as the following: A deformed, floating pony, held aloft by discolored yellow and blue-tinted flesh balloons protruding from her exposed chest.
Canterlot Guard have been attempting to capture Subject 3, but have so far been unsuccessful. They report a strange phenomenon observed when ponies are within 100 meters of Subject 3; said ponies are thereby afflicted with an uncontrollable ‘laughing fit’. These afflicted ponies are unable to respond to any stimuli aside from Subject 3 herself. Subject 3 will approach the closest afflicted pony regardless of the wind direction. She will then [REDACTED] the laughing victim until they [REDACTED].
Plans are being made to evacuate airspace where Subject 3 is predicted to appear. Ponies on the ground are to remain inside until she has passed.
Observation Notes - Subject 3 - Withersday, 28th of Foaluary
Subject 3 was caught and terminated today in South Canterlot. Raspberry Swirl, a local timber worker, observed Subject 3 interacting with another unwitting victim and took matters into his own hooves. In the following segment of the post subject mortis interview, Raspberry Swirl detailed the events by their own account. Below is a transcription of the recording:
Raspberry Swirl: “Saccharine Smiles! It was goin’ after Saccharine Smiles! Now, the Canterlot guards? I expect it to go after those useless shits, what are they any good for anyway? Been this consistently useless since the Reign of the Sun and Moon.”
Dr. Colton: “Please stick to the events that transpired, Mr. Raspberry Swirl.”
Raspberry Swirl: “Sorry, sorry, just… have my own issues with the so-called security ‘round Canterlot. Anyway, guards were fuckin’ useless, and the Laugh Demon must not’ve been satisfied with them--”
Dr Colton: “I’m sorry, did you say laugh demon?”
Raspberry Swirl: “What else would YOU have called it? All anypony can talk about is that damned demon goin’ around Canterlot and preying on innocent ponies. Well, guards mostly and they ain’t exactly innocent, but still! Ponies are shittin’ out gems and laughing themselves silly? Sounds like the work of a demon to me!”
Dr. Colton: “I will make a note of that. Please continue.”
Raspberry Swirl: “Well, as you know, Saccharine Smiles is the sweetest old bitty that ever graced this blue marble of ours. Owns ‘Momma’s Pancake House’, the one that makes the flapjacks as big as your head? I figured she was out getting more flour from the bakery and was attacked on her way back. Saw the demon for the first time… and I gotta tell you, if I didn’t see it for myself I wouldn’t have believed. It had its own innards all twisted up around it and these big ole flesh balloons that would expand and deflate like that’s how it knew how to fly. The eyes were whited out with pin-pricks, barely noticeable unless you were unfortunate enough to get up close. If it weren’t so mangled and pale, I’d say it looks like Savior Pinkie Pie.”
Dr. Colton: “You said it attacked the mare?”
Raspberry Swirl: “Yep. Same as the stories, Saccharine Smiles was on the ground laughing too hard to flee. The demon was looming over her, ready to… strike… when I shot it right out of the sky.”
Dr. Colton: “And I assume you have the proper permits to carry that rifle?”
Raspberry Swirl: “Well no shit! I may not be from around here, but I have two ears, same as you. You’re having me believe you haven’t heard all this ‘Laugh Demon’ talk? They say it preys on the peace and quiet, and especially the depressed or downtrodden. Ponies are laughing themselves silly over nothing because they think it’ll ward it off. I’m not foolish enough to come here without my gun, and you’re damn lucky I did!”
Dr. Colton: “Can you describe the aftermath?”
Raspberry Swirl: “Well, there was quite a mess, so I wasn’t sure if Saccharine Smiles was screaming from the sound, or the ‘splat,’ or if she was hurt. Blood, guts, viscera, all the usual. Strange that a demon is made up of all that too, huh? I didn’t linger too long, rushed Saccharine here, and by the time I got back, the guards had already cleaned it up.”
Dr. Colton: “Did the… ‘demon’… make any noises or attempt to speak to you at any point in this encounter?”
Raspberry Swirl: “No… are you saying that was a pony? Like, they COULD talk? Are you… are you saying that THING was…”
Dr. Colton: “Thank you, Raspberry Swirl, this information has been invaluable. Let me escort you out.”
After the interview, Dr. Colton instructed staff to conduct a series of interviews around Canterlot to ascertain what ponies know or believe about a ‘laugh demon’. Dr. Colton is still gathering data on the various accounts and theories, which are to be compiled at a later date.
Subject 3’s remains have been carefully recovered, cataloged, and preserved for future research.
In the past 48 hours, Dr. Colton has admitted 3 of the original Canterlot Guard dispatched to retrieve Subjects 3 and 4 from Ponyville. These patients are suffering from breathing difficulties and abnormal tonal pitch. Two orderlies have also been admitted, with colleagues stating that they witnessed multiple instances of them temporarily ‘floating’. These files are sealed and unavailable for this report.
Canterlot is currently undergoing a cleansing process. Ponies are required to wear protective gear at all times when in any public spaces. All non-essential workers are instructed to remain at home unless absolutely necessary. Between the air quality’s decline and the continued spread of gemstone growth within Canterlot, it is at Dr. Colton’s discretion how we move forward from this point.
Three reports from Manehattan have indicated the situation is no longer contained.
Finding a cure is top priority.
Author's Note
“What about Dash then? What about all that shit in the middle that I KNOW you took out? That’s where it ends?” A familiar voice with a southern twang asked from behind a thick glass enclosure.
“Subject 4--” Dr. Colton responded, facing the Subject in her personal office laboratory.
“Rainbow Dash. She has a fuckin’ name.”
“Well… she’s contained in Twilight’s lab for further observation… or what’s left of her. And the parts in the middle? It’s just staff complaints and Subjects 3 and 4 screaming for each other. Did you really want to sit through all that?”
“...‘Questria--”
“It's Quest. You know not to call me that.”
“Yeah, and it's Pinkie and Rainbow not ‘Subjects 3 and 4’. Ya givin’ me a subject number too?”
“Subject 5.”
“Well... then why aren’t you tellin’ me the whole truth?”
“In due time. There’s a point to this, I promise.”
