Oh Sweet Celestia I Frew Up
"Oh sweet Celestia, I frew up."
Was the first thing the human said upon his arrival in Canterlot, and in front of the battle Celestia was having.
Princess Celestia was in dire need of a hero, someone who could aid in the attack on Canterlot. The Changelings had commenced a secondary attack after the failed wedding attack years ago, and it would seem Chrysalis was not done yet, not by a long shot. Even with the Elements assistance, Shining Armor and his wife—the original targets of the first attack—as well as her sister Luna, the Changelings hadn't given up and if anything, had increased their attack tenfold.
They were in desperate need of some kind of help, someone outside of their usual cabinet of heroes on demand. So, in a crucial moment during a fight with the Queen herself, Celestia had cast a spell to summon an outside force, someone who would save them in their time of need. She wanted a powerful warrior, someone who could beat back the Changeling menace and give them a foothold to start a counterattack.
Instead, what appeared in a flash of light that drove back the Changeling Queen was a six foot-nine inch tall human, half naked and covered in sweat, who immediately fell to his knees and frew up violently. Pitiful lonely sobs wracked his body as he moaned and cried to whatever foreign gods he worshipped, not even a minute later a pained groan escaped him and he soiled himself, right in the middle of their chaotic battle.
Queen Chrysalis, clad in her ornate carapace for the first time since she arrived had finally stopped her attack, only to stare with the same look someone would give a fatal carriage crash in downtown Manehattan.
"This i-isn't what j-jod injended!" He bellowed, dry heaving with the force of a Model-T backfiring on a New York street in nineteen-twenty-two. Moments later, another deluge forced its way through and covered the floor in bright orange and black chunks of putrid sludge.
Chrysalis couldn't tear her eyes away. Her magic faltered around the blade she held, and even her own forces were confused on what was happening. None of them knew what to do, how to proceed, as this was an unknown and—quite frankly, disgusting threat in front of them, if they could even describe it as such.
On the opposite side with Princess Celestia and her Royal Guard, they were also frozen in place as they watched this bipedal monstrosity make a mess of the throne room. The princess herself was in absolute shock, horror, even minor disgust as her war-hammer hovered beside her. This... creature was the hero she summoned? She recalled she casted the spell with the sole intention of acquiring a mighty, strong, valiant hero who would arrive swiftly, and ready for battle.
Instead, she was given a sweaty pale lump that was sobbing profusely.
"A-ah'm n-never d-drinkin' a-again." He screamed and cried, aggressively trying to stand. "I-I'm so s-shorry L-Loona! I f-frew up."
Celestia balked before she turned to her dear sister, who was aghast and visibly disgusted at the sight before her. "Sister, you... know him?"
Princess Luna of the night, a powerful dreamwalker and spellcaster, and a warrior in her own right, wore an expression of one who bore witness to the most horrible atrocity known to ponykind. A mare who has seen a thousand—nay, tens of thousands of battles, was horrified by the scene in front of her. For the first time since Celestia has known her, which has been their entire life mind you, saw Luna falter.
She seemed terrified of being associated with it. "I-I do not know this pitiful creature... how does it know my name?!"
"LOONA!" The man bellowed, standing on his feet and sobbing. "Where a-are you my sw-sweet h-hellhound wife?! I n-need cuddles."
Hellhound? Princess Celestia was even more confused than before. She couldn't even begin to comprehend what was going on as the human wobbled and stumbled around the throne room. He was drunkenly muttering to himself about how his knees hurt, and how much he wanted to cuddle this hellhound he was apparently so fond of.
Princess Lun's nostrils flared and she gagged. "Such a foul stench... is he drunk?"
"It would seem so." Celestia replied before she turned back to Chrysalis, who was still staring at the human.
All fell silent, except for the human who was still sobbing like a small child lost in a Walmart in the afternoon, before he fell to his knees and violently hurled up whatever remained in his stomach. "BLAAAARRRRRRHGAAAAHAHAHAAAA!" He so ungraciously bellowed, followed by flooding the flood in more liquor scented bile.
The queen of the changelings, without a word, cast a spell and sent her weapon away with a flash. The rest of her soldiers had slowly but surely followed suit despite their overall confusion setting in across their faces, and it was clear to Celestia and Luna that they had no idea how to proceed with this entire thing.
The Queen took a deep breath, carapace expanding to deal with it before she slowly exhaled. "I have been alive for countless years... and for the first time, I am truly speechless." She looked at the two sisters and could only offer them an indifferent expression.
Slowly, they put down their own weapons as the projectile vomiting continued off to the side, with a sound similar to that of a dam exploding off in the distance and echoing off of the fairly empty throne room.
They had expected an epic battle that would eventually decide the fate of their kingdom, if not the whole world, and instead their battle was stopped because their so called hero had arrived in a heavily drunken stupor and couldn't stop sobbing and frowing up everywhere. Celestia wondered if Discord had a hand in messing with the spell despite being in battle at the moment, at least from what she was told, he was off battling alongside Fluttershy and the rest of the girls.
"GIIILLDAAAAA!" Another familiar name that came from the human's frow-up caked lips. "MY SWEET G-GRIFFON WAIFUUU! AAAAAAAHHHAAARGAGAGAGAGAG!"
Chrysalis blinked and sighed heavily before she said, "I'm done. I won't be coming back. Farewell ponies." She turned on her heel before casting a spell, one that shot from her curled horn and into the air before zipping outside. "Troops! Retreat!"
The doors slammed open and all of the changelings filed out with their queen leading the way.
Princess Luna looked aghast as Celestia fell to her haunches in disbelief.
"D-did... did we win?"
"I... I suppose so, sister..."
The silence that followed was deafening. It would seem the spell worked and they did in fact, win the battle... though not in the way they had hoped or expected.
A guardpony trotted up to the Princess, and saluted. "Your majesty, what do we do about the uhhh..."
"blaarrrgagagaga!"
"... that thing?"
Princess Celestia let out a puff of air before turning to face the little guardpony. "My little pony... for as wise as I am, I truly can not give you a straight answer."
"D-do... do I get the hose?"
"...Yes, my little pony, please grab the hose."
Author's Note
"-and god wept, for he knew what was coming."
