Lumen de Lumine

by Noriko Nakayama

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Drama
Length: 1078

Twilight Sparkle reflects on her relationship with Celestia

Twilight Sparkle reflects on her relationship with Celestia

Published 2024-10-12 16:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-10-12 16:10:00 UTC

Deum de Deo

When I was just a filly, my parents took me into the town square of Canterlot to see the Summer Sun Celebration.

I've told you before what happened next.

I thought, if I studied hard, then one day I might be able to meet you in person. And if I was lucky, I might even be able to have a conversation with you! You've seen the lists of questions I'd drafted for if that happened, and I'm so grateful that you put up with me asking you all of them.

I'm so grateful to you for so many things.

You've given me everything, Princess Celestia. I was nothing without you.

And I guess that's the problem.

It sounds unhealthy when you put it like that, right? And it is. I've known that for... a really long time. I think it was when you had to leave for the Minotaur Lands that one time for a whole month. I was devastated, of course— every time you left it made my heart hurt way too much.

It wasn't the first time you'd had to travel, but it was normally for a week, and I always had a book prepared that I knew I could lose myself in. But for a whole month? I finished the world's most thorough critique of Clover the Clever's First Principia in ten days, and then... nothing. I just sat there, staring at a pile of books, and all I could think about was the exact number of seconds left until you'd be back and I could see you again.

I finished five essays that month, and I couldn't recall a single thing I'd written in them afterwards because I was thinking of you the entire time.

I'd read so many books on interpersonal relationships, so I knew the signs of an unhealthy fixation. But you were Princess Celestia. You're so many standard deviations outside of the mean that all the standard references become irrelevant.

In that case, maybe it was okay that you were my whole world?

The next step followed logically: I fell in love with you. I found you very attractive, thought about you all the time, and enjoyed spending time with you more than anything else in the world. The only thing missing from this being a textbook crush was the physiological symptoms, and one day I realized that my heart rate became erratic whenever I thought about you for too long.

Is it right to call it falling in love? A crush presents in the same way, and the hormonal and magical changes that come with adolescence have an extreme tendency induce infatuation. Lots of ponies fall in love with you— why wouldn't they?

I've always been a perfectionist. I need to get the maximum possible score on every test. Need to arrive on time to every scheduled event, with the appropriate preparations already made. Need to understand how every result in a paper was calculated. Measuring out ingredients for cooking. Planning a route for a trip. On and on it goes, the list of things that must be perfect for me to be content.

But never before, and never since, have I met anyone who embodies what it means to be perfect. Every action, every movement of your body, ever word you speak, there was no other word for it. With that in mind, it was no wonder you were so beloved across the land.

What made my silly little crush any different?

That's what I asked myself, when I first noticed those feelings. And for all my justifications, I couldn't find a reason that didn't sound hollow to my own ears. I was just a silly little filly, after all, and nowhere close enough to be being worthy of loving you. Nopony could be, really.

Years later, that statement makes me feel immeasurably sad for you, but that's not really relevant here.

So yes, I had a crush, or was in love, or was so deep in devotion I'd cut off my own hoof if you asked me to, and I knew it wasn't healthy, and I didn't care.

It was even useful, was part of the problem. Being so devoted to you gave me the drive to push myself even further into my studies, in an attempt to impress you, to be worthy of your attention. Results-based analysis, I guess you could call it— my devotion to you was partially responsible for my success, so why shouldn't I embrace it?

I didn't want for anything else, but you.

When you were there, my world was whole.

And when you were gone, I was nothing. The world was nothing.

For a long, long time, I was okay with that. Okay with the darkness that would gnaw at my soul in your absence, because the light that filled me in your presence made it worth the suffering. And I would suffer for you, of course. That wasn't even a question to consider.

And that's why I never told you any of this.

Because this devotion is a burden. For me, and if you'd know about it, for you as well, and I would never add more weight on your back if I could help it. You already did so much, for me, for everypony, and I wasn't going to saddle you with having to manage a silly filly's crush.

How awful it would be, having to second-guess every interaction, not being able to trust what I said or did because you weren't sure if it was done out of a desire to please you above all else.

There's definitely merit to that line I think, I still believe. But, I'm older now, a princess who's come into her own.

Or supposed to be, anyways.

I need to learn to move beyond this obsession, to find out who I am without you.

But I don't want that.

Instead, I want to find out who I can be together, with you.

I've put you on a pedestal for so long, but I don't want to tear you down. I want to stand up there with you, to see the world by your side, and grow into someone worthy of that.

So, knowing this is probably a bad idea, that all the textbooks would advise against it, I ask you.

Will you be my Goddess?

And will you let me become one as well?

Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle