Warning: This Chapter Contains Crimes Against Cuisine
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"You Do WHAT With Your Fries?!"
Warning: This Chapter Contains Crimes Against Cuisine
As a sliver of ketchup ran down Applejack's chin, the mare too engrossed in her hayburger to notice, Rarity grimaced and flared her horn with magic. A few napkins floated over and wiped away the offending mess, before being unceremoniously dumped onto the tray which lay in the middle of the table.
"Mmph," Applejack murmured between bites. "Thanks, sugarcube."
Rarity smiled in return and, satisfied that her marefriend was clean enough, returned to nibbling daintily at her salad, tuning out the sights and sounds of a busy fast food restaurant. Foals laughed and played, parents sighed and scolded, and the staff worked feverishly to deal with the many orders coming in. It wasn't the sort of place Rarity would normally go for lunch, but it had been Applejack's turn to choose, and she wanted a burger.
Applejack grabbed her milkshake and took a long, noisy slurp from the contents, the sound causing Rarity to grit her teeth. She watched with some bemusement as Applejack proceeded to take the lid off the cup. Before Rarity could question her, she picked up a hoofful of fries, dunked them in the shake and tossed the mixture into her mouth, chewing with a satisfied hum.
Rarity let out a horrified gasp. "Applejack!" she cried. "Darling, I love you a lot, but I have to ask you what on Equestria you are doing? That's disgusting!"
Applejack swallowed and looked at her quizzically. "What are you talkin' about, Rarity?" she asked. "I do that all the time."
"Really?" Rarity shuddered. "But why would you want to contaminate your drink with salt and grease from your fries?"
"'Contaminate?'" Applejack chuckled. "That's takin' it a bit far, sugarcube; as I said, I do it all the time, and it don't do anythin' ta affect the taste of mah milkshake. You should try it, it's real good!"
"I would sooner feast on Sweetie Belle's culinary arts," Rarity deadpanned. "This is a crime against food, Applejack; I shudder to think about what other culinary atrocities you commit in private."
Applejack narrowed her eyes. "Now listen here, Miss High and Mighty," she said. "Best not to be talkin' nonsense when you are as guilty of committin' these so-called 'food crimes' as ya think I am."
Rarity let out a dramatic gasp. "Me? Guilty of food crimes?" She crossed her forelegs and huffed. "Perish the thought!"
"Oh, really?" Applejack said. "How about last week, then, when I came to your place fer lunch, and you made carrot dogs?"
Rarity furrowed her brow. "If you'll allow me to refresh your memory, darling, having carrot dogs was your idea."
"Yeah, but you put mayonnaise on yours!" Applejack replied exasperatedly. "Come on, Rarity, ya know I love ya ta pieces, but that's a food crime if'n ever I saw one!"
"There is nothing wrong with putting mayonnaise on a carrot dog," Rarity said matter-of-factly. "Besides, you should know that tomato sauce stains my coat something wicked, requiring at least half an hour under the shower to wash out." A small grin crossed her face. "But since you're so keen to talk about this, darling, how about we discuss the culinary mess you call 'leftover loaf?'"
"There ain't nothin' wrong with using the leftover food," Applejack said. "It saves it going to waste, an' we get a decent meal, so what's yer problem with it?
"Oh, I don't know," Rarity said. "It could be the fact that you take literally all of your leftover food for the week and compress it into one unholy concoction. It doesn't matter what you had – hay bacon, pasta, potatoes, carrots, lettuce, mushrooms, beans – it all ends up being shovelled into one giant insult to food."
"Oh yeah?" Applejack took an angry bite of her burger. "Well what about - mmph - that time ya made vegetable - mmm - tacos fer the two of us?"
Rarity ignored the obvious attempt at getting a rise, choosing instead to put her nose in the air and reply snootily, "What was wrong with them?"
"You said you wanted to 'get more greens' into your diet, and you proceeded to only use vegetables which are literally green; broccoli, sprouts, cabbages, spinach, celery, courgettes, and leeks. Honestly, Rarity, it was like eatin' the contents of mah composter."
"Oh, please, darling," Rarity scoffed. "Need I remind you of the time you made quesadillas and put jalapenos in them?"
"There ain't nothin' wrong with addin' a little bit of flavour," Applejack said defensively. "Besides, ya ate them, didn't ya?"
"Only because I didn't know they were in it!" Rarity looked around at the bemused looks they were getting from the other patrons, and lowered her voice to a whisper. "I had to go into Barnyard Bargains on my way home and buy two extra cartons of milk, because my stomach felt like it was tap-dancing all night! I’m glad that Sweetie Belle was with our parents, because it prevented me from having to explain why I was spending the night in the bathroom."
Applejack snickered for a moment, but turned it into a cough upon noticing the death glare Rarity was giving her. "Yeah, well... I got two words for ya, Rarity," she said. "Pineapple. Nachos." She shovelled the rest of her burger into her mouth, chewing loudly with a smug grin on her face.
Rarity gasped. "I'll have you know that pineapples and nachos are a delectable combination!" she hissed. "I will not hear a bad word against them, not from you, and not from anypony else!"
Applejack let out a disgusted groan. "But nachos are made fer dippin'!" she said, throwing up her forelegs dramatically. "They are meant to be paired with cheese, ranch, salsa, guacamole, and so forth. They sure as Celestia ain't meant to be dipped into pineapple puree, or be eaten with pineapple chunks on top of them! Shoot, the first time I saw you do that, mah first thought was that my marefriend had been replaced by a changeling!"
Rarity didn't respond at first, only choosing to stare Applejack down for a moment before sticking out her tongue. "Pickle pizza," she said indignantly. "You bashed my favourite, my love, so I'll bash yours."
"Pickle pizza is a fine meal, an' fine you know it!" she said. "Ain't nothin' better than gettin' a bunch of pickled things, slappin' 'em on a pizza with some cheese, and tuckin' in." She licked her lips. "Boy howdy, hon, you’ve gone and left me feelin' mighty peckish now just thinkin' about it."
"But all of the things you use – minus the cheese, thankfully – have been pickled in vinegar!" Rarity protested. "Every time you have one, I can smell the stuff on you from several metres away! Haven’t you ever wondered why I’m reluctant to kiss you after you’ve had a pickle pizza?"
"Well, yeah, actually…” Applejack trailed off for a moment, before her train of thought got back on track. “But it's still better than puttin' cream cheese on grapes." She dipped another hoofful of fries into her shake and ate them.
Rarity shuddered at the display, but kept her resolve. "Well, maybe if your taste buds hadn't been ravaged by a combination of vinegar and jalapenos, you would find that to be a most enjoyable combination," she harrumphed, folding her forehooves against her chest. "Then again, you're the sort of mare who has coleslaw with raisins."
"At least I don't put hummus on cabbage!" Applejack bellowed, slamming the table with enough force to spill what was left of her shake. She ignored the mess dripping off the edge of the table and glared daggers at Rarity.
"No, because you enjoy salted scallions instead!" Rarity screeched, rising to her full height and glaring daggers right back.
“Well excuse me fer havin’ some—”
“ACTUALLY, LADIES, EXCUSE ME!"
Applejack and Rarity both turned to the source of the voice, a middle-aged stallion wearing a lanyard around his neck which identified him as the manager. He gestured to the other customers, all of whom were silent as they watched the display in front of them, though some were trying not to laugh.
"You’re both causing a scene, so I’m going to have to ask you to leave," he said sternly. "Nopony here is interested in listening to your – quite frankly disgusting – culinary abominations."
Rarity stood up first, her cheeks burning red, and walked out the door with her head held high. Applejack quickly followed suit, dipping her hat and offering a quick "Sorry, y'all." as she left. She let out a sigh and dragged a forehoof down her face, then went to a nearby bench where Rarity was sitting. She sat down next to her; they looked at each other for the briefest of moments, before turning away with a "Hmph!"
"I cannot believe you do all of that," Rarity muttered. "I mean, coleslaw with raisins?! It just boggles the mind!"
"It don't boggle the mind nearly as much as you puttin' cream cheese on yer grapes!" Applejack shot back. "They are two separate foods, fer cryin' out loud, they don't belong together!"
"I don't have to justify my tastes to you!" Rarity said.
"And I don't have to justify mine, neither!" Applejack retorted.
"Fine."
"Fine!"
The two of them sat in silence for a while, ignoring the puzzled glances of the ponies who passed by, wondering why the two of them were sitting with their backs to each other, their forelegs crossed in a show of angry defiance.
After a while, Rarity heard shuffling behind her as Applejack removed her hat and let out a sigh.
"Listen, sugarcube, I know I have some pretty strange tastes in food," she said softly. "But ya need ta know somethin’.”
“And what would that be?” Rarity asked, rolling her eyes.
“No matter what happens, there's always one sweet thing that I will always enjoy comin' back to.” Applejack cracked a smile. “Even if her own tastes are a bit weird ta me."
Rarity thought for a moment, turning around as realisation hit her. "Me?" she asked; Applejack nodded, and Rarity reached out to take hold of her forehooves. "Oh, darling, I'm sorry I acted in such a wretched manner; I really shouldn't have gotten so worked up over something so trivial. Can you ever forgive me?"
"Aw, shucks." Applejack nodded. "Of course I can, sugarcube," she replied. "I shouldn't have escalated things the way I did; after all, it's your little quirks that I love the most about you." She put her hat back on and looked into Rarity's eyes. "Can you forgive me?"
"I think I can do that, darling," Rarity said.
She leaned in for a kiss, which Applejack was all too happy to provide. Once they separated, they cuddled in close to one another and let out a contented sigh.
"I love you, Rarity," Applejack said.
"I love you too, Applejack," Rarity replied.
The silence that followed was quickly broken by both mares speaking in unison.
"But I love pickle pizza more."
"But I love pineapple nachos more."
They stared at each other once again before bursting into a fit of giggles, as all eyes turned to them for the second time that day.
Author's Note
In case you were wondering where I stand in the whole 'dipping your fries in your shake' thing, I am a proud member of Team Dip.
Also, pretty much all of the food crimes that Rarity and Applejack rattled off to each other were found on the FoodCrimes subreddit.
