And I Kept On Falling

by Uz Naimat

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Sad, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, My Little Pony: The Movie
Length: 5048

All that falls must eventually rise. But if that was true, then do why I keep falling? Why do I keep failing?

All that goes up must eventually go down. 

The saying applies to everything - careers, relationships, life. It applies to everypony, too. We all rise, hit a peak and fall. We don’t necessarily hit rock bottom, but most of us come close.

I thought I was doing so well. Between constantly saving the kingdom from villains, saving villains from themselves, and realizing my full potential as an Equestrian princess, life was really good.

When did it all go wrong? How did it all go wrong? When did I stop listening to my friends? Why do I keep hurting them? Since when did I become the cause of Equestria’s major catastrophes?

Since always. You were always a disaster. And you always will be.

Features colored text.
Featured: 10/31/2024
Proofread and edited by: JinxJTL
Review: Chromentazol

Published 2024-10-30 14:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-10-30 14:40:00 UTC

Once a Villain, Always a Villain

It began with her graduation.

Don’t get me wrong. I was really proud of Starlight. I still am. What she did that day - the way she faced the odds, the way she stood up to Chrysalis, the way she saved us all - is nothing short of incredible. Couple that with her unlikely team and you can see why she was no longer in need of friendship lessons.

No longer in need of me.

Her apprenticeship had given me purpose. The fifteen months she was my student were some of the most meaningful and driven months of my life. It was a joy to have a mentee, to transfer my expertise and share my experiences with somepony who stood to learn from them.

Starlight herself looked up to me, trusted me to help her through her healing process. As enormous as the responsibility was, it was a surreal experience to have somepony put that much faith in me, no matter how many times I let her down.

And then she grew. She continued growing into her own pony, and though her physical appearance had not changed at all, she had. The mare who humbly accepted her Pink Heart was an entirely separate mare from the one who accepted my hoof in the clouds.

Ending her studies with me was the right call - the only one, really. I meant it when I said I had nothing more to teach her. Her journey will continue without my constant input and I had to learn to be okay with that.

Easier said than done.

The sudden lack of a student sent me spiraling. For months, teaching was my only goal. I woke up every morning, excited at the prospect of teaching her a new lesson, spent the day doing just that, and went to bed every night thinking of the next day's lessons.

Day in and day out, that was the routine.

What was I supposed to do now that I was no longer a teacher? What purpose does my life have now? I was back to the same dilemma I had when I was first crowned - being a princess with no clear job.

Immediately after, I fled to a retreat with my girls. Thought the change of pace would help clear my head and make me think better. Once or twice on the train ride to Manehattan, one of them had asked me what I was going to do now that my student had graduated.

My answer? “I’ll figure it out.”

I lied.

I pushed the question out of my mind for as long as I could, instead focusing on literally anything else, like volunteering at the children’s hospital and foalsitting my niece.

Some aunt you are.

Remember what I said about Starlight needing to move on without my input? I may have underestimated just how much I missed being her teacher.

In hindsight, I should’ve known better. The Map calls specific ponies for specific missions for a reason. I never should’ve interfered with Starlight’s mission as much as I did.

You never should’ve interfered at all, you featherbrain.

Starlight’s psyche was nearly shattered because of me. Ruining her first Map mission? Instilling pointless fears in her mind? Making her doubt herself? What was I thinking? I repeated the exact same mistake I made when she first befriended Trixie; only this time I didn’t even have the convenient excuse of being her teacher and wanting the best for her.

I was just offended that the Map hadn’t called me.

Some Princess of Friendship you are.

Starlight succeeded at her mission and fixed the Sisters’ rift, no thanks to me. I should never have doubted her. Or believed the worst was going to happen. Or transferred my anxieties and fears onto my ~~student~~ former student.

But she forgave me and I regained her trust.

Thus, when I suggested we publish the Friendship Journal, she didn’t object. She even helped me make it happen. Together, we created several copies, shared them with our friends, and eventually decided to share it with larger Equestria.

That had always been our plan. Keep a journal, learn from each other, and maybe one day, other ponies would read it and learn something, too.

I truly, genuinely believed that the journal was it. It would revolutionize Equestrian society and make the world a better place! Ponies all across the kingdom would become better friends, better ponies, and better versions of themselves. There was absolutely no way this could go wrong.

What a naive fool you are.

Everything went wrong. Not only did the Journal not achieve the desired effect, it worsened my friends’ lives! Dash and Pinkie’s lack of privacy. AJ’s home, bombarded with freeloaders. Fluttershy got relentlessly harassed. Rarity’s entire career could have gone up in flames, and it would’ve been my fault!

Sure, we eventually chased off the ‘fans’ and got some peace, and two ponies at least used the Journal the way it was intended to be used. You could say it was peachy at the end, but was it really?

It took days for Dash, Pinkie, and Flutters to finally stop looking over their shoulders for stalkers. It took weeks for the Apples to fix their house and clear the backlog of work that had accumulated with this disaster. It took months for all three of Rarity’s boutiques to recover from the major hit.

And that’s not even the biggest problem. Our lives are now on display for everyone to judge. We became celebrities overnight, and it had the worst repercussions imaginable. Ponyville is relatively safe - everypony knows us here - but the rest of the country? My girls can’t leave town without getting recognized anymore, which wouldn’t have been a problem if said recognition didn’t come with endless questions, stalking, and criticism.

Need I remind whose bright idea this was?

Some friend you are.

There was a noticeable influx in fan mail in the weeks that followed. I spent my time alternating between answering them and dealing with the sudden increase in paperwork the Diarchy had sent my way.

Which I had actually requested, mind you. The lack of work had become too much to handle.

For a while, I ignored the nagging feeling at the back of my brain. Kept telling myself that I’m a good friend, and even the best of friends slip up sometimes.

You’re hurting them. You keep hurting them.

That disastrous zeppelin vacation did not help in the slightest, but it was all good. Everything was fine. It had to be.

Between losing my job, constantly disappointing Starlight, and exposing my friends to the entire world, I was desperate to do something right. So when the opportunity presented itself in the form of Star Swirl’s journal, I grabbed it with desperate hooves.

The possibilities were good to be true.

Solve one of the greatest mysteries of ponykind? Bring back the Pillars? Bring back Star Swirl the Bearded? How could I not do it?

In retrospect, I should’ve known better. I should’ve guessed that the Pillars had a good reason to sacrifice themselves. I should’ve listened when Starlight - the mare who had always been irresponsible with magic - told me to not mess with magic I didn’t understand.

Plenty of ‘should haves’ with you, isn’t there?

And instead of returning the legendary figures to a peaceful, modern Equestria, all I did was unleash complete evil on the world. Doom my kingdom. Nearly sacrifice the Elements forever.

You’re no better than a villain.

Way to go, Twilight. Ignore all the warning signs and don’t listen to your friends. Mess with a thousand-year old ritual meant to protect your kingdom. Open a portal to a dimension you know nothing of. Yeah, that’ll go over well. No repercussions whatsoever.

How stupid can a pony get?

The whole ‘unleashing evil onto the world’ part wasn’t even the worst part of this whole ordeal. No, it’s what I did after.

“A path from which there is no return,” he said. “There’s no way to befriend a pony like that,” he said. “Once a villain, always a villain,” Star Swirl said.

I knew, intellectually, that none of that was true. I knew that. I’ve faced villains before. Befriended some of them, even. There’s no such thing as a lost cause. There is no such thing as complete irredeemable evil. Redemption exists, even if it’s rejected. I knew all that.

But Star Swirl - the pony I looked up to and idolized my entire life - believed otherwise. His cold, aloof, and sanctimonious attitude clashed with how I imagined he’d be, and it threw me off-guard. Surely this isn’t the stallion I’ve admired for so long?

But still. He’s Star Swirl the Bearded! The greatest archmage of ancient times! He knows better.

Idiot. He knows nothing of the modern world. He’s ancient, remember?

Torn between pleasing my idol and listening to my friends, and wracked with guilt over the danger I unleashed, I betrayed my own ideals and my own beliefs. I went against everything I ever stood for. Everything I ever fought for.

And for who? The pony I’d met mere hours prior?

Yup.

Over the friend I’d trust with my life? Villain redemption is Starlight’s field of expertise, and I didn’t listen to her. Again.

Oh, and you made her cry, too.

“I guess I’m lucky your idol wasn’t around when you decided to be my friend. I might’ve been banished to limbo, too.”

Speaking of villains, let’s talk about Stygian. I was this close to hurling him back into limbo without hearing him out. This close to banishing him without making a single effort to understand him. He had already suffered because of a simple misunderstanding and he was this close to suffering even more. Because of me.

Princess of Friendship who?

I couldn’t help him the way I had helped Starlight before. I couldn’t get him to stand down. I had to forcefully pull him out of the shadow.

Starlight had faith in me, trusted me, and advocated for me when I had done nothing but ignore her. And despite the boost of confidence her words gave me, I still couldn’t talk Stygian down.

Am I that bad at this? Is my tenure as the Princess of Friendship over?

Look at you. So many have gotten hurt and all you can think about is you. How unbelievably selfish.

It’s gonna get better, right? I’m gonna get better, right?

Right?

Open Up Your Eyes

The Friendship Festival was supposed to be my big break.

On paper, it was such a great idea. Organize an event that invites ponies from all over Equestria. Bring friends together. Have fun. Make memories. ~~Prove my worth as princess.~~ Give everypony a party worth remembering.

You screwed up in every way imaginable.

Don’t get me wrong - planning it and organizing it was fun. Stressful, yes, but a fun kind of stressful. That was my first time planning an event this massive since the Grand Equestria Summit years prior. I reveled in the planning. And, up until the day of the event itself, everything went perfectly.

But on the day of the Festival, everything went to Tartarus.

The kingdom? Subjugated by a foreign power. My fellow Princesses? Captured and at the villain’s mercy. My friends and I? Thousands of miles away from home with no backup, plan, or hope. We had no clue what we were going to do or how we were going to save our home - if such a thing was even possible.

Throughout the ‘journey’, I tried my level-best to remain focused. But you know, it’s kind of hard to do that when you think you’ve lost your home and there’s a bounty on your head and the ponies you love most aren’t taking this as seriously as you are and-

Sure, blame everypony but yourself.

Point being that I was so focused on the things that I was going through that I failed to notice that my friends were simply doing what they do best. What we do best.

Spreading friendship.

I tried so hard to justify what I was doing. The world outside our borders wasn’t Equestria. Our usual approach would not work. Six ponies and a dragon weren’t going to be enough to save everypony.

They were nothing but excuses. Excuses to hide just how guilty and ashamed I felt. Excuses to cover up my ability to protect my people.

Stealing the Pearl was a necessity, I told myself. Justified the act by convincing myself that I was doing what had to be done to save my people. Nevermind the fact that I nearly instigated a war with another nation.

“It’s all on me.”

Yeah, right. As if.

And what did I do when the girls rightfully called me out on it? I yelled back at them. Insulted them. Spat in their faces. Told them I was better off alone.

I threatened Pinkie with my horn.

I threatened to harm Pinkie Pie with my magic…

I was going to… to hurt her…

You were going to hurt her.

The face she made after is going to haunt me until the end of my days.

Of course, that was exactly the opening Tempest was waiting for. She was waiting for the inevitable to happen. She was watching, waiting for the moment where I’d screw up and let my guard down so she capture me.

“Aww, the ‘Princess of Friendship’. With no friends!”

And as I did with Stygian months before, I tried to reason with her. Tried to open her eyes and get her to see the light.

My attempts fell on deaf ears.

I couldn’t convince her to stand down. If anything, I’m pretty sure my attempts bolstered her confidence. After all, what right did I have to preach about the benefits of friendship when all I had done was hurt my friends?

My stress got the better of me. My failures got the better of me. Which means I kept on failing. Snapped at my friends. Let my guard down and got myself taken. Heck, I practically gave the Storm King his weapon on a silver platter! Should’ve gift-wrapped the magic, too, while I was at it.

One thing led to another, and before I knew it, we had lost. Our enemy got the power he so desired and promptly proceeded to destroy everything.

You don’t deserve your magic. You don’t deserve your friends.

It’s a miracle that girls were able to forgive me after the stunt I pulled. I haven’t forgiven myself.

Nor should you ever.

But it’s fine. It’s going to be fine. The girls forgave me. Queen Novo did, too. Tempest saw the light. The kingdom and my people are safe.

So why do I not feel better? Why do I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that something awful is going to happen again?

Because you’re a failure. You don’t get to relax. Not until you stop being one.

Breathe, Twilight. Breathe. Everything is going to be just fine.

The Future Empress of Friendship

The school was supposed to solve things.

The thought process was as follows: since we can’t be everywhere at once and spreading our word in writing has not worked before, why not build a place that invites all those interested to come learn friendship?

It was a sound idea. A good idea. The girls agreed. Spike agreed. Celestia agreed. Heck, my pitch was so good even Chancellor Neighsay of the EEA agreed, however reluctantly.

Did you not learn your lesson the first time? Your loved ones’ approvals are the only ones that matter. You never should’ve bothered with the EEA to begin with.

And then, in my desperate attempt to gain approval and do something right, I lost myself. Again. Didn’t listen to my friends. Made my new students despise their classes. Upset the world leaders and nearly launched a six-way war.

I was so focused on the little details - the trivial matters - that I completely lost sight of why we were doing this.

The Chancellor forcibly closing the school was the breaking point, I suppose.

“The school was disorganized, the teachers unqualified!”

He was right - the school was a disaster. Not because the rules didn’t work, but because I insisted on making them work for us. Our school was a brand-new concept; pre-existing guidelines were never going to work, and I failed to understand that.

Thankfully, Starlight was there to help me see things clearly. She was there to help me redefine what the school was for. She pulled me out of my stupor and supported me even though I broke her trust time and time again.

You don’t deserve her.

And once again, my insistence on getting something right - not entirely sure what ‘right’ even is anymore - only led to misery. Equestria’s allies nearly declared war on us and on each other. My friends were stuck in a monotonous and tense teaching environment. The students, who traveled so far to learn from us, only found themselves thoroughly disappointed.

With a principal like you, of course this was going to happen.

Fear not - the school remained open! Lesson learned: since friendship is a completely new concept to be taught, it required a unique approach.

I wish I could say things were smooth sailing from here, but alas, they were not.

My useless hero worship flared up at a tremendously bad time, and instead of giving Celestia the most memorable play of her life, I insulted her and drove her to tears.

“In all the time we’ve known each other, I thought I taught you about the importance of friendship, trust, and honesty!”

How long before you realize that she’s not some sort of tyrant? That she’s not going to explode at the littlest slight? How long?

I picked the worst two teachers possible for an out-of-class activity. Even after AJ and Dash demonstrated that they could not be trusted to lead together, I still allowed them to move forward. The result? One of my students nearly drowned.

Some principal you are. Can’t even protect the children under your care.

My pursuit to teach friendship far and wide almost damaged some of the very first friendships I had in Ponyville. How long have I known the Crusaders? Years. I should’ve known they wouldn’t stoop as low as sabotage to achieve their goals. I should've known that. Girls, I'm so sorry.

“We didn’t do anything wrong! We promise!”

Those three look up to you. They admire you. And this is how you thank them!?

And apparently, I’m still prone to fits of jealousy! Unable to stand the fact that Star Swirl chose Flim and Flam’s school over mine, I proceeded to do something rash. Something I’ve learned over a dozen times by now: don’t accuse anypony of wrongdoing without concrete evidence. I allowed the brothers to get the better of me. I allowed Neighsay to get the better of me. In doing so, I disappointed Star Swirl and my reputation was nearly torn to shreds. I thought jealousy was behind me, but apparently, that’s not the case.

“Oh, honestly, Princess Twilight, envy does not look good on you.”

Getting blackmailed? Really? You’re royalty. If you had even a sliver of a backbone, they never would’ve gotten this far. You’ve gone soft. Pathetic.

In the process of juggling all the new responsibilities that come with being a principal, I failed to notice the snake in our midst.

She was under my care. She was my student. She was my friend. Cozy Glow wasn’t some unknown monster or faceless villain that appeared out of nowhere; she was somepony I’d trusted. The school’s model student and my right-wing pony.

We taught her the values of friendship. We gave her a home here at the school. We showed her kindness and love and trust. And how does she thank us? By imprisoning us in Tartarus and attempting to take over our school.

That little backstabber took what we taught her and turned on everyone. She played us all like pawns on a chessboard. She looked at us with those bright, innocent eyes of hers and fooled us with her honeyed words. Lied to us, manipulated us and circumstances to fit her agenda, stole from under our muzzles, and nearly caused the end of our world as we know it.

We fell for her deception. I fell for her deception.

What does that say about my ability to protect my students? My ability to run a school? If I can’t discern the fake from the genuine, then how will I protect the school from harm? If villains are able to worm their way into our lives, then how can I trust anyone?

More than that - if Cozy was right there, under my care, under my guidance, and I failed to teach her, then what does that say about my ability to teach friendship? Am I fit to be the Headmare of the School of Friendship if I can’t teach the subject to the pony who needs it the most? Can I even call myself the Princess of Friendship anymore?

No, you can’t. Glad you’re finally recognizing what a failure you are.

“You might be the Princess of Friendship, but as headmare of this school, I can collect even more friends than you!”

As if fate itself wasn’t already telling me how bad of a principal I was.

A child - megalomaniac though she might be - came to my school to willingly learn about friendship and its benefits. She came to us - to me. And I failed her. I failed so horribly that Cozy only understood the ‘power’ aspect of the ‘power of friendship’.

I was so trusting, so naive, that I didn’t notice when the artifacts changed locations. Couldn’t recognize that Cozy was faking her ignorance. Didn’t realize that my girls and I were being deliberately lured away from the real danger.

This blindness nearly destroyed everything. We came perilously close to losing it all.

So close.

You don’t deserve this school. You don’t deserve the trust and faith your students are foolishly giving you.

The school was supposed to solve things. It was a sound idea; a good idea. Everypony I love and care about agreed.

So why did it cause so much trouble? What has the school really done, other than bring a lying, backstabbing manipulator into the fold? What benefit did the school bring? How did it protect Equestria?

All the school did was solve a problem that one of your students created.

Or maybe the school wasn’t the problem. Perhaps the problem is leadership. The headmare in charge doesn’t know how to do her job. I know how to teach-

Do you now? Do you really?

-but being a teacher and being a principal are two entirely separate fields. As recent evidence has pointed out, I am completely incapable of doing the latter. Incapable of doing the task I assigned myself. Incapable of leading the kingdom into the new era it deserves.

Face it, Twilight - you are nothing but a failure.

Classic Twilighting

It’s official; the Royal Sisters have lost their minds.

To be fair, a thousand years on the throne is bound to drive anypony insane. Neither alicorn truly has a life of her own, and this constant work-eat-sleep-work schedule must have chipped away some of their sanity. Which explains the terrible decisions they’ve been making recently.

Like constantly allowing themselves to be captured by villains. Or entrusting civilians with the safety of their kingdom. Or stepping off the throne.

I mean, I get wanting to abdicate. Like I said, they’ve been working for a long time; they deserve rest. They deserve to step down, let loose, and live their own lives for once.

But appointing me as their successor? What were they thinking?!

Of all the things the Diarchy has done, this is by far the worst decision they’ve made. Ever.

Have Celestia and Luna not seen the strings of bad decisions I’ve been making lately? Have they not seen the constant harmful ideas I’ve had in the last year? Have they not been present for the sheer amount of disasters that have happened recently?

Do they not see what a failure I am?

I’m not qualified to run a country! Heck, I’m barely even qualified to run a school!

In the past year alone, I exposed my friends’ entire lives to the world, unleashed a dangerous beast on the kingdom, practically handed over my magic to a foreign overlord, and allowed myself to be manipulated by a power-hungry child!

I keep valuing everypony else’s approval over my own friends’. I keep making decisions that endanger the lives around me. I couldn’t convince any of my recent foes to believe in the magic of friendship. I can’t take care of the students I chose to mentor.

In what world am I ready to succeed them?!

What have I done that deserves such an honor?

“Equestria is currently enjoying its longest period of harmony in recent years. And it’s all thanks to you, Twilight.”

Please. They’re lying to you.

…I’ve been doing nothing but failing recently. And now, after a series of devastating blows, the Sisters are thrusting me into the height of responsibility. They’re expecting me to become the highest authority in the land!

I can’t do this! I’m not ready for this! I’ll never be ready for this!

There must be somepony more qualified for the role. Somepony who doesn’t constantly cause trouble like I do. Somepony who cares about the land and doesn’t keep endangering it.

Ergo, somepony who isn’t you.

Look at me. The mere thought of taking over is enough to send me spiraling. I’m freaking out and hyperventilating and my friends are looking at me like I’m a lunatic.

Because, let’s face it, that’s exactly what I am.

You’re such a screw-up that your friends have created a new verb for you. Existing words aren’t enough to encompass the depths of your flaws.

Your Majesties, I’m really sorry, but I can’t do this. Please choose somepony else.

The Tree is gone.

The Tree of Harmony, the Elements… dead.

He destroyed it.

Wasn’t it your idea to use the Elements against him?

…I destroyed it.

The most powerful force in Equestria is gone because of me…

It's all my fault…

Yes. Everything is your fault. All you do is mess up and cause problems. And now, you’ve robbed your the kingdom of its greatest weapon.

“You led me right to the source of your power.”

“I felt it when it happened. Like part of my essence just ceased to be.”

“And because of me, the Tree of Harmony was destroyed.”

I killed the Tree of Harmony. I destroyed the Elements of Harmony, and with it, a part of my girls’ essences.

You’re no better than all the villains you’ve encountered. At least they can admit how evil they are.

None of my ideas are working. Every decision I make leads to disaster. I can’t do anything right!

I. Can’t. Do. Anything!

I can’t do anything…

Can’t believe it took you this long to realize this.

What good have I really done? What have I truly achieved in all my life?

“Twilight! None of this would’ve been possible without you, little sis. Love you, Twily.”

“You failed the test, Twilight!”

“Far better that I have a student who understands the meaning of self-sacrifice than one who only looks out for her own best interests.”

“Their destinies are now changed, and it’s all my fault.”

“She even helped reunite me with my sister, Princess Luna.”

“Trixie was right. You’re not really giving her a second chance. I wonder what that says about how you feel about me.”

“After all you’ve done for me, this is the least I can do. You taught me the value of friendship.”

“I just unleashed ultimate evil and doomed Equestria because I was obsessed with meeting my idol!”

“But if it is wisdom you seek, look no further than your own pupil.”

“Friendship didn’t fail me. I failed-”

Enough.

Wh- What?

I said enough.

So what if I’m not perfect? Nopony is. Perfectionism is a lie we tell ourselves. Striving for perfection is striving for the impossible, and I am done chasing a fantasy.

Everypony’s lives and careers rise, hit a peak, and then fall. That’s normal. I’m simply going through a rough phase right now. Does that phase have devastating consequences? Yes. But I’ve suffered more damaging hits when I was rising, too. This phase will pass.

All that goes up must eventually go down. But when you hit the complete bottom, you have nowhere to go but up. And I will rise again, just as I’ve risen before. I have made an impact on this world. I have done good, and my less-than-stellar moments do not negate that.

Better days will come. Days where I’ll be a good leader, friend and mentor. I’ve done it once before and I can do it again.

I am not a failure. I just fail sometimes.

I am Her Royal Highness, Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship. It is my sworn duty to protect my kingdom from harm. It is my life’s mission to be as good a friend as I can possibly be. And I will continue down that road, no matter how much I stumble, striving to be and do good for as long as I shall breathe.

I can do this. We - my friends and I - can do this. Together.

I’ll be okay.

My worst enemies have won. The land is divided. My loved ones are at best captured and at worst dead. My recent achievements were all lies.

Nothing I’ve ever done has truly made a difference. I can’t protect my people. I can’t protect my friends. I just can’t.

I can’t do anything. I’m nothing but a failure.

Tried to warn you, Twilight. Say it with me now. What are you?

…a failure.

And that’s all you’ll ever be.