Two Messed-Up Loser-Ponies Talk
'Yeah, I don't know,' said Featherweight. 'I don't like it. I don't like the idea anymore.'
'What do you mean "you don't like the idea anymore"?' replied Barley Grind, sounding crestfallen.
'Well, it's kind of obvious what I mean,' retorted Featherweight, 'that I don't like the fucking idea of cutting my dick off and you eating it. That's what the fuck I don't like.'
'Well, I mean, it's what we've been speaking about for the past two fucking weeks, d'you know what I mean? It's like, you agreed to this; you came here, so what's the problem? I don't understand.'
'What's the problem? It's going to fucking hurt! That's what the problem is. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I just … stupid, isn't it …'
'Well, I mean, I'm not going to force you to do it if you don't want to. Heck, do you think I want you here, and I'm gonna, like, strap you down and saw it off? No, this is just a thing, you know what I mean? A fetish thing or whatever the fuck they call it. And I'm only … you know, I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. This is only something I'm going to do if you're totally OK with it.'
'Yeah, well, I'm not anymore.'
'OK. OK. So what do you want to do? Do you want to drink something? Do you wanna speak, or d'you wanna just go?'
Featherweight sighed. 'I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I like the idea of having no cock. That's what it is, fundamentally. This is actually not a sexual thing. It's to do with sex, but I'm saying that, you know, for you, this is for pleasure. This is not for pleasure for me. This is like … surgery, do you know what I mean?'
Barley Grind spluttered with laughter. 'What the fuck do you mean "this is like surgery"? What are you talking about? If you wanted surgery to get your dick cut off, you would not be coming to some fucker on the Internet who has a fetish about fucking cannibalising dicks. I know it sounds …' He laughed again. 'It just does sound ridiculous when I say it out loud. You're right.'
'Yeah, well, I mean, my point … do you know, I don't feel comfortable,' stammered Featherweight. 'I think I should speak about it, though. I think I should. My real purpose in coming here is … was to get rid of my dick. I don't want to have a dick. I don't want to.'
'Well, why the hell don't you want to have a dick? You said this is not sexual; this is sexual. What is this? You've lost me. And, yeah, as I said, I'm not going to do anything. You wanna talk? Please.'
'Yeah. Yeah, um. Yeah, I want to talk. I do.'
'Go ahead. Go ahead.'
Featherweight sighed. 'It's like … I don't know. It's hard. I've … all my life I've been disgusted by sex, actually. You know, I've taken care of it myself, you know, for the most part. Well, actually, entirely. I've never had sex. I've never wanted to have sex. I mean, I feel the physical need, but I don't want to commit the act. It just feels wrong. It just feels evil. It's always felt evil.'
'What the fuck are you on about, "it feels evil"? Cos, I mean, I'll say it this way, that, to me, you want to get your dick cut off seems like a sexual fetish, you understand that? That's what I thought you were here for. I thought this was like a thing. You know, for me, my fetish is that I want to eat a dick. I literally want to eat dick. You want to get yours cut off. That's what I thought. I thought that was your way of getting off. I mean, it's pretty fucking severe, pretty fucking permanent, I'll give you that, but, erm, yeah. I didn't think I was gonna hear how you hate sex.'
'Well, I do. Not a judgement, by the way,' added Featherweight. 'I'm not saying that you're in the wrong or anything. I mean, I know I said it was wrong, that I think sex is wrong, but I'm not saying that it's wrong for you. I'm just saying that, for me, it's always felt wrong. It's felt immoral. It's felt dirty, evil, unclean, and I don't know why. I mean, I'm not religious. I mean, my parents were, but what's funny is that they always thought my attitudes, my negativity towards sex, was extreme, and they were religious, and they already had sort of sex-negative views, as you would describe it today. But, for me, it's like I just want it to go. I want the need to disappear because I'm tired. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of, you know, getting off, because I don't want to, but I feel that I have to. I just want it to leave.'
'Yeah, but you can't fucking saw your dick off, what are you … What are you thinking? I mean, you do know that sexual urges don't go just because you sawed your tackle off, right?'
'Yeah, that's what they say, but, I mean, it's not even the urges. It's like … more to prevent me from acting on them.'
'Well, I mean, you say that, but there's absolutely no proof that getting rid of your dick is going to stop you from acting on them, because the problem is that, actually, you end up acting on them in more perverse ways.'
Featherweight grinned. 'Yeah, more perverse ways, like fucking eating other ponies' dicks.' He burst into laughter. 'What the fuck are you telling me about? "More perverse ways"!'
Barley Grind was laughing too. 'I know,' he chuckled. 'I know. I know. It's, ah, it's funny. So … you're not going to do this, then.'
'No, I'm not going to do it, but … what is this? I mean, it's just so strange. This is the last fucking conversation I expected to have today,' snorted Featherweight.
'Well, I mean … this needs unpacking, let me tell you. Um, why do you think you hate sex?'
'Honestly?' Featherweight puffed out his cheeks. 'I think it's because it makes me feel superior. I'm just going to say it. I'm not going to lie. And it's not like I'm faking that. It's like I truly feel that to be celibate, or to be, you know, pure, to be chaste, is, like, the crown, do you know what I mean? It's more important than any other virtue. But then I feel bad about it as well because I don't live up to that. Because, you know, if you masturbate, then, physically, it's the same feeling. And … even though you're not sharing that with someone else … I suppose that, if you were to actually have sex with someone else, you'd be committing a bigger sin than simply masturbating, but …' He sighed. 'I don't know. As I said, I don't really think that sex is wrong, but there's one thing thinking that, and there's another thing feeling that, and I do feel that it is wrong. And, as far as I know, or as far as I can remember, I've always felt it is wrong. And going back to this idea of how I feel superior, it's to feel superior, I think, to pieces of shit from school who fucking hurt me, basically.'
'OK, yeah, so,' said Barley Grind seriously. 'Childhood shit, then, yeah?'
'Yeah. Yeah,' said Featherweight darkly, nodding. 'Dickheads at school, you know what I mean? Just … this is the thing with kids, you know. They have no barrier to cruelty. They have no reason to be kind, and they have no reason not to be cruel, because, no matter how bad they are, barring the most serious things like murder, you know, they can get away with it. They can get away with everything but murder, pretty much. The parents' responsibility, not the kids', so the kids can do whatever they want, and, more often than not, they never let you forget how much of a fucking weirdo you are, how much of a freak you are, how much of an outcast, a loser, you know. Someone who doesn't deserve to be alive.'
'No, I understand that,' said Barley Grind quietly. 'I understand that. I had problems at school as well. Fucked up shit in school with me.'
'OK, yeah, so what was yours?' asked Featherweight.
'Well, I mean, in my case, I mean, they just fucking beat me up. They just beat the shit out of me, um … and I didn't think it was because they thought that they were better than me. I just think that it's fun. And, I mean, I was a bully as well after that. You know, when I got bigger and got a growth spurt, the way I fucking let out a lot of the aggression was by beating up ponies that I then had the power to beat up, once I'd grown up a little. Then I realised it was just nonsense, and I stopped.'
'So do you think that ties into this fucking fetish of wanting to eat dicks?'
'I don't have a clue, man, I mean … this is like something that just creeps up on me because … I've done it all. I'm kind of the opposite to you, that I've had sex with everyone, d'you know what I mean? I've had sex with stallions; I've had sex with mares. I've just done everything. BDSM, the works, and it becomes so fucking boring. And it's so mundane, and it's not a big deal, and what I really want is to get that thrill again. That feeling of the hunt, d'you know what I mean? That rush. You only get that rush when you do something for the first time, and, you know, cannibalism … initially, I thought, "What a fucking joke. This is not a serious thing. This is just a stupid game." And so I kind of got into that world as a game. But, you know, this is how flexible we are. Once you commit to a specific mindset from curiosity, from genuine curiosity, then you'd be surprised how quickly it becomes a genuine interest. And I quite literally get a fucking stiffie now when I think about eating dicks specifically. There's just something about it, like a closeness. It's like the next level of control, I suppose, over a pony, if I'm totally honest. My fucking problem, I think, is control. I mean, by the sounds of it, actually, if you ask me, yours is similar.'
Featherweight blinked. 'What, really? You think so?'
'Well, yeah,' said Barley Grind more airily, 'because, I mean, if you ask me, think about how when you said that your hatred of sex comes from a feeling of wanting to be superior. It's cos you feel that you have control of an aspect of behaviour that everyone else doesn't, because pretty much everyone is interested in sex. And I suspect that you feel that, by saying that you aren't … well, more than that, by sincerely abstaining, you get to say that you have more control. You get to feel that you have more control, and, for me, it's kinda similar, just in a different way. That I feel I have more control, you know, when I'm literally consuming a fucking body part.' He grimaced. 'I mean, I don't know; I've not done it yet. And, you know, it's funny how this is what tonight was meant to be about, but … I don't know. I mean, when I step back and think about it sometimes, I think, "How the fuck did I get here? This is some real messed-up shit." But do I really believe it's messed up? No, I don't anymore. It just becomes so mundane, and, you know, sometimes that worries me. I get scared sometimes because I wonder what the hell am I capable of. You know, if my whim changes one way, then the next day, who knows? I mean, I might be fucking shooting ponies for that kick, for that thrill. I've no idea. So that does scare me sometimes. But, I mean, this is, as I said … because I chose to embrace this interest, I've also got the power to choose not to. So … you know, if I really think that this is something that's going to take me down a dark path, I can step away from it. But I don't think it is dark. I don't think it is evil, because, as I said, and as you've seen, you know, just now, I'm only on board with this if the pony who's with me, you know, is on board with it.'
'Yeah, well, I don't know,' said Featherweight quietly. 'I said I like the idea. I liked the idea of … I don't know what the hell I was fucking thinking, to be honest. I mean, now that I've said all this, I just think I'm so stupid. I don't know.'
Barley Grind smiled. 'Well, I mean, this is just life, isn't it? Working out these bizarre things that go through our heads, these impulses and tensions and conflicts within ourselves.'
'Yeah, I'm … I think I should just … I think I should just go,' mumbled Featherweight.
'Sure, sure, that's fine, no problem, man,' said Barley Grind. 'Hey, nice speaking, though, actually, and, yeah, please don't think that we can't, you know, keep speaking, you know.'
'Yeah. Yeah, no, I know. I know.'
Barley Grind paused. 'So you are actually gay, though, yeah?'
Featherweight grimaced. 'Well, I mean, even that, you see, I'm … I don't know. I mean …' He sighed deeply. 'Sometimes, if I'm totally honest, I think I am straight, and I've … there's a bit of insecurity, a resentment inside me that, you know, mares wouldn't have me, and so I've got to sort of go with stallions. And, I don't know, something about that seems it also makes me feel superior because it's like I am sacrificing something that I want. But then … I'm not really sacrificing something that I want, because I still get off. That's why … this is a mistake, as I said; this was just stupid. I shouldn't be … I shouldn't be here. I'm sorry.'
'No problem, man. No problem.'
They met each other's eyes and swapped nods.
