Princess Celestia And The Fat Free Pringles
Princess Luna was bored. With the setting of the moon done an hour ago, she had no further responsibilities until evening. She didn't feel like gaming at the moment, so she might as well check her social pages and e-mail. Who knows, maybe she could find someone to be a good online gaming partner. Hopefully, it will be someone who was not a village idiot, and knew how to play a decent RPG or FPS game.
Opening her first message in her filled inbox, she sees that it is from a certain bright blue prankster. "This should be interesting," she tells herself as she reads what pops up on her monitor.
OMFG!!! You HAVE to read this Princess! It is HILARIOUS! And its 20% cooler because I sent it to you.
DO NOT EAT PRINGLES FAT FREE POTATO CHIPS. THEY WILL GREASE YOUR ASS.
Clicking on the link, she proceeds to read. In moments, she is struggling to not fall from her chair from laughing so hard. Oh my Faust! This will be the most epic prank ever, she thinks to herself. Trotting over to her nightstand, she pulls out a black velvet bag of bits and heads to the doors of her bed chambers. Poking her head out, she calls one of the guards to her. "QUICK, I need you to fly to the market and pick up several cans of BBQ flavored Fat Free Pringles! Better make it a case... no, TWO cases!" and then disappears back inside her bedchambers, chortling softly yet wickedly.
Corporal Greywing looks at the pouch of bits, then over to Sergeant High Cloud, asking , "What was that about?" The Corporal was new to the Night Guard, and as of yet, has not experienced the Princess of the Night's twisted humor and love of practical jokes.
The Sergeant chuckles softly, "Do you know what olean is?" Receiving a puzzled look, he explains, "Olean is a main ingredient in the chips your about to go buy. Don't ask what it does to a pony's system, just enjoy the ensuing joke Princess Celestia is about to fall victim for. Now, go get those chips!"
* * * * *
A few hours later, the endless meetings which the Princess of the Sun has to endure every day have broken for the noontime hour. Celestia and Luna are relaxing in their private dining hall, before the elder sister has to go back to finish the daily bureaucratic grind.
"You’re lucky, Luna. Even with your responsibilities, you generally do not have to deal with the same monotonous meetings day in and day out. I just wish I was able to take a day off like you can every so often. Seriously, if I was not watching my figure, I would probably eat three cakes just to deal with it all," said Celestia to her sister.
"Well, I have just the thing for you Tia," pulling out a can of Pringles.
Looking at the can, Celestia blanches, until she sees that they are fat free chips. Normally she avoids potato chips with even more desperation than she does trying to avoid Blueblood. Reading the can, her eyes open wide in delight, for she sees that she could eat a whole can without worry. Barbecue flavored chips even; her favorite. Opening the can, she delicately uses her magic to pop one into her waiting mouth, to be rewarded by a burst of flavor that seems to melt away the stress of the day.
"So, how are they, dear Sister?" asks Luna, only to hear more crunching as a few more chips levitate to her sister's open maw. Luna smiles, somehow successfully surprising the laughter building up inside.
* * * * *
The end of another long day, and Princess Celestia has set the Sun for the night, and now all she wishes for is to relax. That and she wants some more Pringles. Those things are GOOD! Maybe I shall send one of my guards to fetch me some more, she says to herself as she enters her own bedchambers. She stops, and a big, happy grin forms on her face. "Thank you Luna," she softy says to herself as she sees the two cases of BBQ flavored treats next to her bed.
* * * * *
Just another hour to go, Dear Faust, thinks Celestia while both listening to the Finance Minister drone on about the need of more money for some obscure project and magically popping another chip into her mouth. By now, the ministers in the meeting have come to terms with The Princess and her snacking while working. At least it made it so she seemed to tolerate the meetings better, and she IS The Princess, so she really can do whatever she wishes.
Celestia started to feel a mildly urgent pressure build, indicating that she needed to do something rather un-princesslike. Sadly for her, it was something every pony did, though no self-respecting mare would ever admit to it. She felt she had to fart. Yes, even the Blessed Princess of the Sun on occasionally toots, though she REALLY would rather not do so here. She is, after all a sophisticated mare, and it would be impolite to let one out during an important meeting. She shifted uncomfortably as the pressure grew.
Princess Luna, whom had decided to sit in on the meeting, struggled to hide her growing smirk. Knowing Tia, she probable went through at least one whole case, and the effects of the olean in the chips should be hitting her right about now. As the effects grew worse, Luna's shit-eating grin grew bigger and bigger. This is gonna be PRICELESS! she thought to herself.
By now, the pressure within the royal sphincter was getting pretty intense. Yes, there was no two ways around it. She was going to fart. Her only hope was that maybe, just maybe, she might be able to do a little one. A little, silent one. Maybe no pony would notice. Being as discrete as she could, she shifts her flank ever so slightly and lets loose a little, silent one.
There was only one problem. This was not really silent. And it had several effects. First off, every ministers' eyes turned to her in various looks of shock. This even silenced the droning Finance Minister, whom everyone had finally accepted that he would never shut up. Luna, on the other hoof, was bouncing slightly in her chair struggling with barely suppressed laughter.
The greatest effect was on Princess Celestia herself. Her eyes grew to the size of dinner plates when the realization hit that the fart was not only not silent, but it also did not sound like a fart should sound. Nor did it feel right. A fart is not supposed to feel squishy! Yes, Celestia discovered, she had just shat herself. With her eyes trying to go both left and right at the same time, giving a good imitation of Derpy Hooves, the now highly mortified Sun Princess slowly rose from her seat, saying with a meekness that would do Fluttershy proud, "Excuse me please but we must finish this some other time." She then slowly starts backing away from the table, her cheeks crimson from embarrassment. Once she reaches the doors, the pressure within her flank builds again, this time rapidly, and demanding to be allowed to honk from her regal pucker. Bursting through the doors, she gallops full throttle down the hall praying to Faust that she reaches the other royal throne in time.
"BWA-HAA-HAA-HAA-HAA!!!!" is all that can be heard as Luna falls to the floor laughing her flank off holding her sides while her rear hooves kick randomly. The ministers of interior and finance cautiously creep over to the head of the table to see just what it was that the Sun Princess had been eating. Unfortunately for them, what they saw first was a small, brown, marshmallowy mass in the center of the chair, causing one to faint and the other to turn green with the urge to spew.
"Guys," says the dark grey Alicorn between breathless laughs, "I think... the meeting... is adjourn... BWA-HAA-HAA-HAA!!!!"
* * * * *
She just barely made it, after running through the halls at a speed that would have won her first place in the Running of the Leaves. She only knocked down two statues during the mad scramble, and the doors to her private quarters would have to be put back on their hinges, but she MADE IT! Planting her flank onto the commode, she gives a small squeeze, and feels something rocket out of her rear. Then with a stab of pain, a lot mode blasts forth with a sick, splattery sound. This goes on for a few minutes, all the while, she can hear her younger sister's chortling from down the hall.
Feeling as she is finished playing ass-trumpet, Celestia looks to her right so that she wipe. Instead of a nice, fresh roll, she instead sees an empty tube with, 'Where is your God now?' written on it.
"Ah, buck!"
Opening the cabinet underneath the bathroom sink, she sees something that first sends her into a mild panic, then enrages her. There is no toilet paper in the bathroom. Just a little post-it note with "he-he-he..." scrawled on it.
"LUNA! WHERE THE BUCK IS THE BUCKING TOILET PAPER?" screams a very angry Princess in the royal Canterlot voice, causing windows throughout the castle to explode outward, and also causing the finance minister to wake, and then faint again. At the table, the Minister of Education sat there bawling his eyes out while the Minister of Defense tried desperately to comfort him. "Why couldn't I just stay in Ponyville and teach?" He asks between sobs. "My daughter Cheerilee says the students are so nice..."
"There, there. It will be OK, says the old soldier hugging him. "I myself have always wanted to be a hair stylist."
Several ponies slowly shift away from him.
Luna is still laughing uncontrollably.
Back on the royal shitter, Celestia is fuming. Looking around, she sees a stack of wash clothes, which she levitates down to her. Using one, she attempts to clean herself. The little towel, she sees, is covered with the most foul smelling goop. Wrinkling her nose at the stench, she magically tosses the shitty face clothe into the trash bin. She then grabs another clothe, and then another, and another. And she still can't get herself clean. "LUNA! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME, YOU BITCH?" she yells out the half open bathroom door.
She is going to have to do a lot of scrubbing in a hot shower to get the pucker clean, she realized. Getting up, she is hit with a wave of pure stench. Looking down into the crapper, she sees a rather huge pile of brown gooiness. This was not your average, everyday shit, but a pile the size of Mt. Rushmare with the consistency of soft-serve chocolate ice cream. Yeah, this was a turd pile that would have made Big Macintosh proud. That, or it would have forced him to toss last week's cookies. "Eeewwww... what in Tartaros did I eat?" she asks herself. Gagging, she lifts a hoof and pushes down on the lever to flush. Water flows in, but the pile just stays in place. "SHIT!" she exclaims as the commode begins to overflow. In a panic, she attempts to use her magic to unclog the toilet and force the stuff down. In her panic, she used too much force in her magic. Water splashed and shit splattered. All over her and the royal bathroom.
"AAARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"
On a side note, at that very moment, an Earth pony of not-so-notable plumbing skills was working on fixing a water pipe going to the kitchens. He had absolutely no warning when the pressure spike came through the sewer pipe from the royal bathroom, bursting said pipe directly above him, covering him with raw sewage. "Well, shit."
Meanwhile, in the now nearly empty conference room, Princess Luna is still laughing manically on the floor.
Why Princess Celestia has yet to go supernova, obliterating half of Equestria in a gigantic thermonuclear fireball, is something the world may never know. "LUNA, WHEN I GET MY HOOVES ON YOU, I AM GOING TO SHOVE MY HOOF DEEP UP YOUR ASS YOU BUCKIN BITCH!!" Using her magic, she turns the hot water in the shower on full blast and climbs in. To her dismay, the crap does not want to come off. The soap comes away from her coated in some vile smelling tacky grease. Yes ponies, it the infamous olean working its dark magic. For the record, olean is Ancient Equestrian for 'unwashable, indestructible ass grease'. It took Celestia over an hour scrubbing with a dozen heavy duty brushes and four bottles of shower soap to finally get clean again. All the while, she cursed her sister in language that would make a drunken sailor blush with shame. (Or make a Cutie Mark Crusader giggle.)
As for Luna, she has now decided to find her sister, if for nothing more than to make sure to rub the joke in a little bit more. Merrily prancing down the hall to her sister's quarters, she stops at the doors to the room. At least, where the doors would have been if Tia had not crashed through them in her mad rush. The two personal guards on duty were trembling with fear. "No worries guys, it was just another one of my pranks," she tells them. This only causes them to tremble more. Walking in, she pokes her head into the bathroom, where Celestia was just finishing her shower. "You OK in there Dear Sister?" she asks.
THAT LITTLE BITCH!!! Screaming at the top of her lungs, the elder sister yells, "WHEN I GET MY HOOVES ON YOU, I'm GONNA RIP YOUR BUCKING HEAD OFF AND SHIT DOWN THE STUMP! I'll..." She didn't get further than that, instead, tripping as she attempted to jump out of the shower in a blind rage attack. Now, when somepony trips, they have a habit of falling. This the Princess did most excellently. Now, she only half hit the floor when she did this. Her head hit the half open door, impaling it with her horn. "YOU BUCKING BITCH! WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, I AM GOING TO MAGICALLY GROW A BUCKING COCK AND SKULL-BUCK YOUR ROTTING CORPSE!" she bellowed as Luna galloped out of there once again laughing for all she was worth.
