My eyes snapped open in response to my bedside alarm going off. Reaching over to switch it off, I inspected the clock.
8 O'Clock, A.M.
The time had come. My name is not important. Unless you're one of the little ponies I've lived amongst for the past two years and are really insistent on finding out, in which case I'm Neil. Just Neil.
But my name is not important. What is important, is what I'm going to do.
Sweeping back my comforter and rising from my bed, I considered the man-sized furniture piece for a moment. It, this dark, dusty little cottage in the middle of Ponyville, and most of the other things in it were all gifts from the denizens of the land of Equestria: the ponies.
The fact that they'd found and provided me with a bed large enough for me was just one of the many kind actions performed for me that made what had to happen today such a difficult choice.
Because as sweet and kindly as the little horses are, there remained a divide between us. A vast, dark emotional chasm that can never be crossed, for the events that led to me becoming an inhabitant of this world still haunt me to this day.
I was standing, eyebrows furrowed, at my kitchen counter staring into the toaster, waiting for my bread to achieve only a mild brown color before killing the heat, when a knock came at my door. My attention snapped back and forth between the toaster and the door, uncertain if whoever was visiting was worth risking over-toasting my breakfast.
When they knocked again, I sighed and made for the door. Opening it, I found a small yellow unicorn with wings and a head of red, frizzy hair. It looked up at me with a bright smile before raising and waving one hoof.
"Hi! I'm Napper!" She chirped in a voice springy, sugary voice.
"Hi, Napper," I replied with my eyebrows still furrowed. The whimsical little thing looked me up and down for a moment before tilting her head.
"Have you ever been black-bagged by a tiny horse before?" She asked with a small, inquisitive frown. I frowned as well and tilted my head back in thought.
"No," I finally replied once I'd searched my memory. Napper gasped and clapped her front hooves.
"It's your lucky day!" She cried with a big smile. Then her horn lit up and a bag slipped over my head.
A shudder crawled up my back as the memory faded. After Napper napped me, she'd dumped me in the middle of Ponyville and then ran off, leaving me mildly bewildered and in the care of Twilight Sparkle and her friends. Perhaps the horrors I endured that day are to blame for what is about to happen. Perhaps some part of me intends to ensure no one else has to go through such a trial. Certainly, when I'm finished, I'll have the resources to hunt down that mischievous horse and have her arrested.
But whatever the subconscious motive, there was no avoiding what was about to happen.
Inspecting myself in the mirror, I straightened my long, black hair with my fingers. Today was the beginning of my conquest and so I intended to look the part. Fortunately, none of the little ponies ever suspected that such ideas were anywhere to be found in my brain. They were trusting like that. Being such a trusting little pony, Rarity had begrudgingly agreed to my simple commission for a simple long, black coat over my normal shirt and jeans which when paired with my 'grim visage', as Twilight put it (which is to say I frowned a lot) gave me an air of menace and power.
And that was just perfect—For I am the Lord of Terror, and Equestria's reckoning has come.
Leaving my mirror, I stepped to the little kitchen area where I'd left my tools of destruction. As I began to prepare them, I uttered a humorless snicker. The design and purpose of these weapons were incredibly mundane, but my time in Equestria taught me many things about Ponykind, so I knew the horror such devices would wreak upon them.
Once they were prepared and loaded, I hooked them onto my belt under my coat and made for the front door. My eyes narrowed in response to the morning sunlight as I scanned the street for my first victim. Within moments, I spotted her as she came trotting up the road, right by my door.
"Hi, Neil!" Roseluck chirped with a smile, a wave, and saddlebags loaded with flowers. Locking eyes with her, I narrowed my eyes and drew one of my weapons before aiming it at her. She blinked upon seeing it before recoiling with a look of horror on her face, shaking her head desperately. "No. No! Don't do it! Please!"
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"Bwah!" She cried as I sprayed her with water, stumbling back and rearing up so she could flail her hooves in an attempt to defend herself. The action caused her to lose her balance and tumble over before she curled up and hid her face under her tail. "Stop it!" In shape, the ponies are certainly equine, and in spirit, they are as friendly and cuddly as can be.
But in nature, they are like cats and thus hate getting gently sprayed with water. And so, the cheap plastic water sprayers I'd bought the other day were perfect for my plans to conquer their little kingdom.
"What'd you do that for?" Someone called. Turning, I saw a small group of Ponyville-folk looking at me in confusion and concern. This latter emotion was redoubled as soon as I turned their way fully and drew a second spray bottle. The beige mare who'd called me out started sweating. "U-uhm."
"Reckoning!" I bellowed before charging, converting the entire crowd into a proper stampede as little ponies scrambled and screamed in their attempts to evade the inevitable.
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I slowly turned at the hips, scanning the entire square for any fool who would dare come to stop me. From windows and doorways, I spied the fearful eyes of the populace which vanished as soon as they saw me looking back at them.
Snorting quietly, I gently shook the two bottles I'd used during my purge of Ponyville, finding I hadn't even gone through half of either. Upon confirming that fact, my eyes drifted down to the hapless stallion currently attempting to scramble away despite the fact I had his tail firmly stuck under my boot.
As if sensing my attention, he paused and slowly looked back up at me with tears in his eyes. "D-don't, please!" He cried, attempting to shield himself with his hooves as I leveled my weapons. "I have a family! The kids used all the towels this morning!"
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"HAAAGH!" He squealed before going limp. A sharp gasp rang out as clear as day due to how dead silent the rest of the town was. With a grim chuckle, I glared left and right still finding no challengers. Instead, my gaze landed on the true target of the day's misdeeds. Far away and high above sat the shining city of Canterlot. Far too great a distance to clear on foot, and so I strode towards the train station.
As I marched, the curious peepers of all the little ponies in their homes continuously popped up before vanishing again as I drew near. And so, many of them bore witness to yet another wicked act.
"Hi, Neil!" Applebloom squeaked as I rounded a corner. She shot me a wide smile before looking all around. "Where is everypony?" Wordlessly, I stepped right past her, casually aiming my bottle at her as I passed.
Sst
Another gasp and what I was pretty sure was a wail of horror echoed from nearby as Applebloom froze, shook her dampened mane and bow, and then leveled a glare my way. "Jerk," she grumbled before stomping off.
"Now, you've gone too far!" A familiar voice cried, at which I paused. Turning back around, I was met with determined glares from Twilight and her friends. Applejack especially seemed incensed, casting a momentary look of concern at her sister as she wandered off. Twilight took a single step forward and stomped her hoof. "Neil, I don't know what the heck your problem is, but enough is enough!" I narrowed my eyes are her. True, it was only a matter of time before Equestria's greatest defenders rode out to confront me, especially as my warpath started in their home.
But even baring the divine nature of my crusade and the inevitability of my victory, I spied a glaring flaw in her line of resistance. I jabbed a damning finger at her and bellowed. "You can't stop me! Especially without your full number!" She paused and furrowed her brow.
"Full number?" She murmured before sharing a look with her equally bewildered friends. Then she noticed someone was missing and spun around looking for her. "Rarity?"
"I'm over here, Darling!" Rarity called from the safety of a nearby alleyway, just out of sight. "I don't care to get my mane wet." Twilight flinched before rolling her eyes.
"Rari-" And her distraction sealed their fates.
"Never take your eyes off the enemy!" I screamed, drawing their attention just in time to realize I'd closed the distance.
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"Bwah! It's up my nose!" Twilight wailed.
"Eek!" Fluttershy cried.
"Ah! He got my eye! Uncool! Pause, pause, pause!" Rainbow squawked.
"Not mah hat!" Applejack yelled.
"Weee! Hit me again!" Pinkie cheered.
Sst
"Eeee!" She added, kicking her hooves with glee before flopping over with the rest of her friends.
"You fiend!" Rarity cried, emerging to shake an indignant hoof my way. Her fury faded to wide-eyed dread when she saw me draw my secret weapon, however.
"Destiny waits for no small horse!" I roared before lobbing my water balloon at her. She screamed and turned to run but tripped over her own hooves in the process and was then soaked. With a curt nod, I turned away from the bested heroes of Equestria and resumed my journey.
I sat with one leg folded over the other and my spray bottle leveled at the quivering conductor. Sparing only a momentary glance over my shoulder, I saw the rest of the passengers who were unlucky enough to be aboard the same train destiny had seen fit to offer me. Their eyes were not on me however, and were instead locked on the hapless pegasus who'd tried to wrestle the bottle out of my hand only to discover I had eight more on my belt.
The poor fool now lay on the ground, meekly preening his wings which, after spraying him in the face, I'd emptied an entire bottle upon, washing away the will to fight from him and the rest of the cabin.
A ringing bell and a whistle drew my attention forward and off of them. The conductor cleared his throat, adjusting his cap as he more squeaked than spoke. "C-canterlot!" I offered him a grim smile, causing him to shiver.
"Well, this is my stop," I declared, rising from my seat to a quiet chorus of nervous murmurs. Peeking over and through the window, I narrowed my eyes as the Canterlot station rolled into view. Shortly thereafter, the train came to a full stop and I nodded before moving for the door. The conductor sighed as I stepped past him, which incentivized me to whirl back around. "One more thing."
He froze and looked at me wide-eyed as I leaned in. The entire cabin held their breath as I scowled, leveled my sprayer, and then spoke. "You forgot to punch my ticket."
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"Buwagh!"
Where I would have initially been the first to disembark, now the entire cabin burst through the doors in a stampede, sending the whole station into an uproar. By the time I emerged, the whole area was in chaos. Any guards who might've accosted me were busy trying to handle the crowd, allowing me a quick and easy exodus onto the streets of Canterlot.
My eyes locked firmly onto the castle itself and I strode in its direction. Along the way, other guards went galloping past me for the station, only one of which had the wherewithal to question the most menacing creature on the street.
"Hey! Excuse me, sir!" He called, trotting up to me. "Did you see-"
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He paused with his eyes firmly shut before slowly sitting down and sniffling.
Leaving him behind, I continued my approach to the castle, slipping my bottles back under my coat once the front gate was in view. As I drew near, a quartet of guards who were stationed there shared a look and moved to intercept me. Once we'd met a few feet from the door, one of them, a unicorn, approached and looked up at me, holding a bin up to me with her magic.
"Before we let you in, please remove any metallic or pointed objects or anything that could be utilized as a weapo-" I cut her off by sweeping my coat open with both arms. Blinking, she looked over my arsenal in shock. "Holy smokes!" Fast as a shot, I snapped two bottles up and sprayed down her and her comrades before they could react.
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"AH! BACKUP!" She cried as she threw herself away from me. Leaping over her collapsed entourage, I slammed my shoulder into the door and plowed into the column-decorated entry hall of the castle. Along its length were about two dozen guards who were already scrambling to the entrance in response to their comrade's cry.
"INTRUDER!" One shouted as they came galloping toward me. Sneering, I dove to the side and behind one of the columns for cover. Bracing against it, I raised my sprayers in anticipation of the approaching guards and the second one entered my line of sight-
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"Ah! Officer down!" He cried. The three just behind him slid to a halt and all but tripped over themselves trying to retreat.
"Heads up! Take cover!" One shouted. Unfortunately for him, he was too slow.
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"I'm hit!" He squealed.
"Bingo, no!" Someone screamed. Sensing their hesitation, I rolled against the column and took off at a full sprint down the hall and towards the guards. Immediately, I spotted several who'd failed to make it to cover in time, and beyond them I saw the rest of the group peeking out from behind various columns along the hall.
Working fast, I weaved toward the group who'd lagged behind and leaped at them, stretching my arms out at them and spraying them down as I flew.
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Before they'd even properly recoiled from my assault, I tucked my arms against myself and hit the ground with a tumble, springing to my feet and launching myself forward to cover.
"He got me!" One screamed.
"You're gonna pay for that, you lunatic!" One of the guards in cover yelled back.
"You and what army?" I yelled back, only to pause at the sound of many, many more hooves rumbling my way. Peeking out, I blanched.
"The Equestrian Army!" The guard yelled back before leaping out of cover now that the hall was flooded with dozens upon dozens of Canterlot's best. My jaw dropped and I felt a chill race over my skin.
"No, please! Mercy!" The Guard Captain begged.
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His cries molded to moans of discomfort as I waded past him and through the last of the fallen guardsponies who'd gone down trying to keep me away from him. Panting, I wiped my forehead with my coat sleeve before looking up and down the hall I'd fought my way into. I was pretty sure I knew which way to go, but I wasn't confident I'd overcome the last of the castle's defenses. Pulling back my coat, I checked my arsenal to discover I was down to just one bottle.
"No," I murmured, clutching the bottle with a grimace. "Will that be enough?"
"Enough for what? To make even more of a mess of my home?" I froze at the voice that had appeared behind me suddenly. Turning slowly, I was met with the mildly annoyed eyes of Princess Celestia.
"You," I accused.
"Me," she retorted with a huff and a raised eyebrow. "You know, Just Neil, if you wanted to pay me a visit, you could have just written." I spun about to face her fully, jabbing a finger at her in the process.
"But that's where you're wrong, Princess," I hissed, clutching my hand into a tight fist at her. "This is no leisure trip! This is business." She raised her eyebrow again and then blinked when I leveled my sprayer at her.
"Surrender your throne to me, or suffer the consequences," I demanded. She held her incredulous expression for a few seconds, tilting her head toward me at one point before blinking again.
"This is your plan to usurp the throne? You're going to shoot me with a water sprayer?" She huffed, bristling her wings and shaking her head. "Really?"
"It's worked pretty well so far," I replied, relaxing my posture only slightly. "Every guard and pony I've bumped into has folded before my power like wet paper. Heh." I smirked at my joke, but she rolled her eyes with a slow nod.
"Certainly, but, Just Neil, have you considered what would happen if I were, shall we say," she squinted her eyes and tilted her head. "Made of sterner stuff?" I adopted a wide frown at her words.
"Uh," I murmured. She considered me for a few seconds before humming with a nod. A change overtook her then. Her wings slowly spread out to either side of her, and the light of her aurora mane seemed to intensify. She held her head high and spoke with an echoing reverb.
"I will remind you that I have ruled Equestria for over a thousand years. I have faced horrors formed in the darkest nightmares of the vilest, maddest sorcerers in history," she declared, causing me to frown harder. "And I will encourage you once to reconsi-"
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"BWAH! AUGH!"
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"It's in my ear! Ack!"
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"No! No! You win, YOU WIN!"
Victory was sweet.
I sat upon my throne, scowling down at the lines of guards and maids bowing before me at the bottom of the steps leading up to my seat. On either side of my throne were two massive water tanks with hoses feeding into the extra large spray bottle I'd ordered constructed that sat at my right hand. Now that it was complete, I wasn't sure if I could even lift it, but the ponies sure weren't about to risk finding out.
At my left hand sat the former diarchs of Equestria, who'd just signed a treaty establishing me as the right and legal ruler of the realm. Celestia wore a heavy blush as she avoided Luna's angry glare.
"I can't believe you just gave up like that," the lunar alicorn hissed, thinking I couldn't hear. "It's just a little water!"
"Is that a challenge?" I asked, causing her wings to snap out.
"No! I didn't say anything!" She hastily replied, avoiding my gaze with an anxious look. Keeping my eyes on the sisters for a moment, I hummed before turning my attention to the court.
And then my jaw dropped.
"Hi!" Napper chirped from the bottom of the dais stairs.
"Who's that?" Luna murmured.
"I believe that's the pony who abducted Just Neil," Celestia quietly replied, jolting when I suddenly snapped to my feet.
"Indeed it is," I hissed. Napper smiled at me until I reached over and began trying to lift the giant water sprayer.
"Before you do that, I have a quick question for you!" She cried. I narrowed my eyes and relaxed my grip, allowing her to tilt her head and adopt a small, inquisitive frown. "Have you ever been black-bagged by the same tiny horse twice?" I frowned as well and tilted my head back in thought.
"No," I finally replied once I'd searched my memory. Napper gasped and clapped her front hooves.
"It's your lucky day!" She cried with a big smile. Then her horn lit up and a bag slipped over my head. When the bag was removed, it came off with such force that I was thrown into a mild spin and fell over. As I sat on the floor reeling, Napper waved at me. "Bye!" Then she took off out the door.
Blinking, I looked around and realized I was back in my old home. A small smile crept onto my face until I caught a whiff of the air. As chills danced across my spine, I leaped to my feet and rushed to the toaster. Peering inside, I found my fears realized.
"Aw man, my toast burned."
Author's Note
If I don't act Gormless every now and again, you might all forget who you're dealing with.
~With love,
Wheaton
