Silence Isn’t Always Quiet
A room was illuminated in a soft, warm glow as the tiny candle burned a tiny flame. Floating books were placed back to their spots in the shelves and another was opened on a wooden table with turquoise magic. Next to the book was a mug of hot coffee. The mug’s design contains an equal sign in a red ring; its red diagonal line crossing over the shape. A pony softly blew on the mug and drank the coffee, the taste bitter on her tongue. Just how she liked it.
Starlight yawned, setting the drink down. She looked over the text of the book, her brain registering every word. However, her eyes started to get drowsy the longer she sat and read details about magic and the history of it. She looked out the window. The stars twinkled in the night sky as Luna’s bright white moon towered in the sky in its slow ascension. It was getting pretty late. She got up from her spot. She closed the book and placed it high in the bookshelf with her magic.
She took the candle and her coffee as she walked out of the room. Little did she know how loud the door’s creaks were when she tried to close them. Startled, she immediately stopped the action. She paid close attention to her surroundings, hoping she didn’t wake anyone up. The castle was like a cave. Its walls echoing even the tiniest sound. When she couldn’t detect any sounds, she let out a sigh of relief she didn’t know she was holding. Starlight walked away from the room, not even daring enough to touch those doors.
She had to admit, Twilight’s castle was quite ominous in the dark. The darkness added another difficult layer to this maze of a castle. She had lived here for almost a month, yet she still couldn’t find her way to her room. She felt a little stupid. It was understandable the first time when she broke in here to enact her revenge plan. Oh, the frustration she felt when every room she barged into was either a reading room, a bathroom, or even a supply closet. It was a miracle Twilight had taken forever to arrive back at her castle. The embarrassment she would’ve felt would be immeasurable if Twilight had caught her failing to find the throne room.
Finally, she was able to find her room, though it didn’t take her that hard to find this time. She gently closed her door, blew out the candle, and placed herself in her bed, covering herself in a comfy blanket. She closed her eyes as sleep was succumbing to her.
“You really got to work on your aim.”
Well, it seemed like sleep wasn’t powerful enough to repel the memories. Starlight’s past was like a fog in her mind. It always seemed to plague her even in her quietest moments, such as trying to catch some sleep. Starlight shifted her position. She still couldn’t believe herself. How did she get so wrapped up in her hatred that it would eventually lead to the doom of all Equestria? What really punched her in the gut was that despite Twilight showing the consequences of her actions, she was still fueled by her hatred towards Twilight and cutie marks. The two things that she thought had destroyed her life.
Starlight cringed internally, putting her hooves over her eyes. Why is she thinking this now? This was in the past. She reformed, she made the right choice and didn’t doom Equestria, and she became Twilight’s student somehow. Why is she still having a hard time with these memories? Why is she letting it get to her? Starlight wryly chuckled to herself. She isn’t known to exactly have the brightest of memories. With the abandoned friend, the enslaved town, and the pathetic revenge scheme… She needed a new batch of things to remember, and fast.
Well, there was the Crystalling and meeting Trixie for the first time. Those were fond moments of her life. However, it wasn't that simple. Those two things were only a fraction of what she had done in her life. The other parts of her life were much, much worse. She sighed to herself, rubbing her eyes. Thanks to the faint moonlight in her room, Starlight could make out a framed picture of an equal sign with a straight dark purple line cutting through it in a circle with the same color. That framed picture resembles who she was now. She didn’t care about equality anymore. Heck, she despised it. That should be enough.
To help herself go to sleep, she hummed a tune of a song she had memorized, not thinking much of it.
“Because we do not separate ourselves by more than name–”
Starlight stopped herself from continuing the song. Seriously? She couldn’t memorize songs other than that?
What’s wrong with me? Starlight thought bitterly as she fruitlessly closed her eyes again, the song subconsciously continuing in her mind.
“So, you’re having an internal crisis again?” Trixie asked after Starlight had entered her caravan to express her feelings about last night. Trixie sipped her cup of tea, waiting for her answer.
“It keeps happening, Trix.” Starlight answered after some thought. “I keep telling myself that the past is the past, yet for some reason my brain keeps replaying the memories in my head, and I just feel more bitter and resentful of myself by the minute.”
“Hm…” Trixie pondered, setting her teacup down. “The brain does that sometimes. It replays things we are not exactly proud of.”
Trixie looked out the window from her caravan. “Sometimes, I still think about the time I enslaved Ponyville and made the civilians my servants,”
“But you were possessed by an evil amulet,” Starlight noted.
“Yeah, but it was my fault I put myself in that position in the first place,” Trixie told her. “All because a silly little unicorn exposed my lies.”
“You’re lucky Twilight didn’t hear that,” Starlight muttered.
“She can’t hear everything,” Trixie countered. “Otherwise, she would give me more than just a tense glare.”
Starlight rubbed her head. She was thankful that she isn’t the only one who had these unwanted memories pop up in their head every now and then, but at the same time, she felt a little lonely. Trixie used to be a villain too, yet her crimes were so minimal compared to hers. As far as she knew, Trixie had never been on the brink of destroying the universe. Trixie wouldn’t have continued her revenge plan knowing what would happen in the end. Trixie wouldn’t have been willing to rip a paper that could permanently destroy all of—
“Uh, Starlight? What are you doing?” Trixie queried, her hoof pointing above her head. Starlight looked up to see a red cloud forming above her, alongside the purple lightning that came with it. Trixie looked a little terrified, but for Starlight, it wasn’t out of the ordinary. “An old friend,” Starlight wistfully responded.
“Old friend? What are you talking about?” A stunned Trixie asked.
“It happens when I express my anger.” Starlight shrugged her shoulders. “It happened to me all the time before I learned to keep it to myself. I think I’ve bottled up my anger so much that it never appeared until now. I think it’s a special kind of anger, because it doesn’t happen often since I’ve ‘changed.’”
Trixie looked confused. “Why did you say it like that?”
“Do you have coffee around?” Starlight swiftly dodged the question. Her hooves slowly tapping on top of a magic chest that was next to where she sat.
Trixie raised an eyebrow. “Uh… sure,”
Using a magic trick she learned, a stovetop coffee maker appeared and poured some in one of Trixie’s teacups. Sweetener also appeared alongside the coffee, but Starlight raised her hoof.
“I’ll pass,” Starlight told her, taking a drink.
“Okay,” Trixie drank from her teacup too.
There was a discomforting silence between the two unicorns. Trixie was pondering on her next words, while Starlight’s mind kept replaying memories of her fight with Twilight in Cloudsdale.
“Not bad, but it’s gonna take a lot more than that.”
“See? You can’t stop me no matter what you do.”
“If that’s what it takes to keep you and your friends from getting your cutie mark connection, then I’m game!”
Trixie got startled when Starlight slammed her teacup on the flat top of the chest. The sides of the cup almost cracked from the force. Trixie didn’t even need to ask how she was doing. She could practically feel the frustration and the bitterness of her past actions radiating off of her. It would only be a matter of time before it exploded into something ugly, and the last thing Trixie wanted was to be the detonator of it all.
Trixie let out a heavy sigh. “When did the memories get worse?” she eventually asked, glancing at Starlight from the side as she took another sip.
Starlight also took a sip from her coffee. “After I mind-controlled Twilight’s friends.”
Trixie set her teacup down. “That would explain it.”
Trixie put her hooves together. “Look, from one reformed villain to another, the memories won’t go away. No matter how hard you forget, there will always be that one lingering moment in the back of your mind.”
Trixie was paying close to Starlight before speaking her next words. “However, I want you to put a different perspective on those memories. Instead of letting these memories use you like a punching bag, use it as fuel to make yourself a better pony than you were in the past,”
Starlight glared at Trixie in dismay. “You think I haven't tried?”
Trixie was taken aback. “Starlight…”
“You think I hadn’t tried to use my memories as a checklist of what not to be in the future? It doesn’t even matter. I’m still going to make the same mistakes! I brainwashed five ponies because I couldn’t picture myself handling their activities! Can’t you see that I’m not normal?”
“Starlight that’s not—“
“You had it easy. You never stripped ponies’ identities. You never messed with time. You never witnessed the destruction of Equestria before your very eyes!”
A red cloud formed above Starlight as she stormed up to Trixie until she was practically towering over her in a fit of rage.
Trixie raised her hooves. “Starlight, calm down—!”
“I’m responsible for the thousands of deaths in these alternate timelines. I have blood on my hooves, Trixie. I’m a murderer! Don’t you dare tell me to ‘use my memories as fuel’ when your crimes were just child’s play compared to mine!”
Trixie slammed her hoof, managing to meet Starlight at her eye level. “You’re not a murderer, Starlight! Never portray yourself that way! Those alternate timelines don’t exist anymore! The only timeline that exists is here, Starlight. A timeline where your hooves are clean!”
“It still doesn’t change what I’ve done,” Starlight argued. “Trixie, despite seeing what I saw, I was still continuing my revenge plan against Twilight and her friends. I was so horrible, I was mere centimeters away from tearing the very paper that could cause that doomed reality to happen!”
Starlight didn’t let Trixie speak as she stormed out of her caravan.
“Maybe Twilight should’ve sent me to prison if I’m going to repeat the same actions that label me as a monster.”
“Starlight, you’re acting unreasonable. You’re not a monster…” Trixie’s words trailed off when Starlight teleported away.
Trixie muttered a curse to herself. She knows Starlight was fragile when it came to her past, yet she had somehow offended her enough to make her paint herself as a horrible monster that deserved to be in prison. Trixie had no idea how she kept making things worse.
Starlight took a walk around town to clear her head, feeling frustrated by her visit with Trixie. Trixie’s words were palaver to her already confused and angry mind. She was such a mess. She went to Trixie to help, and when Trixie tried to help, she got mad.
“Do I even deserve friends?” Starlight questioned herself.
As Starlight walked, she could see ponies looking at her, then whisper something to their friends. Starlight’s ears flattened. She could imagine all of the things they were saying. Her crimes, her anger issues, she’s not exactly the best pony to be around, is she? She couldn’t even memorize one song without reminding her of her checkered past. Starlight felt it was deserved. After all, she is the one that nearly doomed all of Equestria. Some might even question Twilight’s authority because of her status as her student. Has she become too pacifist? Had she not realized she had the power to send ponies to prison? She may be the princess of friendship, but not everyone deserved friendship or redemption. Starlight is on the top of the list.
Starlight could feel her hooves start to shake from the pent up self-hatred she had felt during the day. Starlight wryly looked around. The last thing she needed was to explode in public. The jeers were already distasteful enough. She was near Sugar Cube Corner by the time she took deep breaths, trying to calm herself down. But, of course, her mind had always found ways to beat her down. She looked at the bakery. It reminded her of that one specific moment in her village. It had a bakery like this one…
“Are there any more recipes I could learn? I think that ponies would eat at my place more often if they ate anything other than those muffins.”
“Ah, Sugar Belle, these muffins are a cornerstone for our little village. You don’t need anything else.”
“But—“
“You’re not questioning my authority, are you? Do you want to be sent to the room again?”
“…no.”
“Good. Remember, you’re a part of this town now. It might take some getting used too, but you should know better than to ask me silly little questions like that.”
“…yes, Starlight.”
Starlight looked away from the bakery in shame. She continued her path onward to a park. She looked down at her reflection in the fountain. She certainly looked different from the dictator she once was. But her actions speak louder than that. Starlight rubbed her head. The demons that were in her head would never go away unless she did something. Starlight had thought back to Trixie’s advice.
“Instead of letting these memories use you like a punching bag, use it as fuel to make yourself a better pony than you were in the past,”
Starlight put her hooves on the fountain’s stone. She had to get to the bottom of this. She can’t be feeling this guilt forever. She needed to be freed. Something to make her feelings valid, and she couldn’t think of any better place to do it.
Starlight could feel the tiny rocks she was stepping on as she looked over the village she had once ruled. Even from afar, she could tell it had changed. She climbed down the mountain and walked to the village. Her heart pounded with the monstrous memories she had etched into this town.
“In our town, in our town…”
“You’d still all be missing your miserable lives thinking you’re better than anypony else…”
Starlight’s teeth clenched as she closed her eyes.
“Welcome!” Double Diamond greeted her.
Starlight jumped. She was so preoccupied with her mind that she didn’t even notice Double Diamond approaching her.
“Oh, uh, hello, Double Diamond.” Starlight sheepishly greeted. Double Diamond had been one of her loyal followers until she had been exposed. She was so used to seeing him with his wide smile and his formal haircut; which is what everyone had at the time.
“What are you doing here?” Double Diamond asked politely.
“Uh, just to relive the memories,” Starlight answered, but she realized too late that it didn’t sound as right as she had hoped.
“Those memories?” Double Diamond questioned, looking a little confused.
Starlight rubbed her head. “No, that wasn’t what I meant. I…”
Starlight trailed off. She looked at Double Diamond in the eye, her gaze determined. “Could you get everyone? It’s important that I need to speak to every one of you.” Starlight internally cringed. She used the same authoritarian tone she had used on them in the past, and it was unnerving. “…please.” She added at the end.
Party Favor approached the two. “Hey, Starlight. It’s nice to see you again.” He smiled.
“Really?” Starlight was a little surprised to be hearing that from Party Favor of all ponies.
“She wants to see everyone,” Double Diamond informed him.
“Huh?” Party Favor raised his eyebrows. “Is something going on, Starlight?” He asked, looking at her with a concerned frown.
Starlight humorously chuckled. “Yeah, in more ways than one,”
Double Diamond nodded to Party Favor. The earth pony nodded to the unicorn, signaling him to get the others.
Starlight walked up to the only tree in the town. It was planted on the same spot her old house used to be. Although it was probably better it wasn’t there, anyway. It might trigger another memory she would rather forget.
Starlight looked over the townsfolk. She felt uneasy from the way they were standing in front of her. It was like she was leading them again, and they were awaiting her command.
“Let’s go in a circle,” Starlight ordered quietly, sitting down on the ground.
The townsfolk looked at each other, then did as she asked. They sat down in a circle formation. Double Diamond and Party Favor were by Starlight’s side.
“What’s going on?” Sugar Belle queried sweetly. “This is unlike you, Starlight.”
“You’re right, it is,” Starlight agreed grimly. “I’m sure all of you were expecting me to cast out tyrannical orders again, right?”
“Of course not.” Night Glider objected calmly. “You just don’t seem like yourself.”
Starlight looked at her hooves again.
“We can tell that you’re troubled,” Party Favor placed his hoof on her shoulder as an act of reassurance.
“That’s an understatement,” Starlight pushed Party Favor’s hoof away.
Starlight looked at all of the ponies in the circle. They looked at her sympathetically, a sight that was jarring for Starlight to see.
“I want all of you to answer this question honestly,” Starlight informed, and she closed her eyes once more. “What do all of you think of me when you see this?”
With her magic, she magically turned her mane to the one she had when she was the leader of the town. Starlight watched each of them closely, waiting for a single sign of hatred in their expressions.
“I see someone who has changed,” Sugar Belle began.
Starlight stared at her. “How?” Her voice almost shook.
“Well, the Starlight I used to know wouldn’t look at us with sympathy.” Night Glider nudged her shoulder to a pony next to her. They nodded in agreement.
“But—“
“Starlight, you apologized to us, and we accepted it. All of us hold no grudges for the past,” Double Diamond voiced his reply.
“It seems like the only person who hasn't forgiven you is yourself,” Party Favor frowned.
“Because I can’t fathom it,” Starlight's ears went flat. “I’ve emotionally tortured all of you, forced Sugar Belle to serve disgusting muffins, all for a dangerous ideology.”
That was just the first half. She thought to herself.
“Yes, all of those were bad, but I kinda feel like we should thank you in a way,” Sugar Belle spoke, her hoof pointing to the ponies in front of her.
Starlight’s jaw was agape.
“I concur. If it weren’t for you, all of us wouldn’t have found this quiet little community,” Double Diamond replied.
“And I wouldn’t be friends with all of you if it weren’t for Starlight.” Party Favor grinned. “I quite like our little community, despite its beginning,”
Starlight couldn’t wrap her head around it. “No, no, no. All of you are missing the point. You’re supposed to hate me, despise me for lying about the purpose of cutie marks. Why are you thanking me for enslaving you all?”
“Starlight, what you did was obviously wrong,” Sugar Belle began gently.
Thank you.
“But, all of us had found healing through the rubble. We have built our community up and we are embracing our new life because of your foundation. Plus, you apologized to all of us before, so we just assumed bygones would be bygones.”
“It seems like you're the only one who is still suffering through it,” Night Glider observed. “I can see the pain in your eyes. Do you really think you haven’t changed?”
Starlight rubbed the back of her neck. “I don’t know. I just have no idea why I keep beating myself over it. I came here so my self-hatred could be validated.”
“The Princess of Friendship had appointed you as her pupil for a reason,” Party Favor pointed out. “Do you really believe she would do that if she didn’t believe you could change?”
Starlight was silent.
“I think you’re growing as a pony. All of us do,” Night Glider spoke up. “You’ve already been here for a short time, but we can see the immense change. You’re not as angry as you were in the past,”
“You’re not scary,” Sugar Belle added.
“You let us wear sunglasses!” One pony shouted.
Starlight’s ears rang as ponies started pointing out comparisons to her old personality and her new personality. She would think that their words would be idle to her dilemma, yet she found herself smiling. Just a little. She was the reason they were together in their tiny community, and they were praising her for it. Starlight had associated her village as the pinnacle to her era of equality and hatred. Now, as the ponies praised Starlight for her change, she could feel the memories become less and less bitter. Because of her actions, these ponies found peace, strange as it sounds.
“…thank you.” Starlight spoke quietly as the voices died down. “I didn’t think I needed to hear that today, but I’m glad I did.”
The ponies smiled.
“We may have had a rough past, but we can change how we deal with it in the future,” Night Glider looked around the town. “I think we did a pretty good job at that,”
Starlight looked around the town. The lively banners and the signs definitely brightened the village compared to the last time she was here.
“I can’t help but agree.”
Starlight wanted to get something to drink before he would head out for the road back to Ponyville. As Starlight placed her hot cup of coffee down, she observed her surroundings. Ponies were engaging in casual conversation and the foals were playing with their toys.
Starlight could see her village in a new light now. The town was no longer the same depressing area it once was. It had blossomed into something beautiful, and as Starlight looked down at her coffee, she could feel herself becoming like her village. The once angry and hateful pony was blossoming into a kind, wise, and understanding mare. That was an ideology she should tell herself more often.
She recounted her conversation with Trixie earlier—which she will have to apologize to later—about her memories not truly going away. But, she can change how she deals with them. She wasn’t going to let them drag her down through despair. She was going to use it for her determination to not slip back into her old ways, hard as it may seem.
“I’m glad that you seem to be happy again.” Sugar Belle smiled as she approached her table.
Starlight raised her cup. “I’m thankful to all of you. I really needed that talk.”
Sugar Belle chuckled. “You know that you’re always welcome back to the village whenever you need a pep talk.”
Sugar Belle placed some packets of sweetener near her cup. “Just in case,” she winked.
Watching Sugar Belle leave, Starlight looked at the packets she had left on her table. Normally, Starlight didn’t use sweeteners, but maybe it was time for a change of pace.
She drank her coffee with the freshly added sweetener. She was surprised at how good it tasted with it. Maybe she should drink her coffee with them more often.
Returning home from the village, Starlight entered the castle to rest. From around the corner, Twilight had greeted her as she was unpacking her things from her visit to Canterlot.
“Good afternoon,” The Princess greeted her as she placed some books on the tables.
“Good afternoon,” Starlight greeted back.
Starlight could feel her hoof trailing on the ground. She still couldn’t believe that she’s actually in the presence of the very pony that gave her a chance after she had almost destroyed time.
Starlight felt her stomach lurch. Oh… that. Another crime she’s guilty about. She may have been starting to let go of the trauma she had when she enslaved the village, but the time travel bit was another story.
Twilight noticed the subtle change in Starlight’s demeanor. She finished stacking the books. “Are you okay?” Twilight turned to face her.
Starlight was quiet again. She looked at Twilight after having the courage to speak. “Why did you forgive me?”
Twilight tilted her head.
“I’m serious,” Starlight took a step closer to her. “You saw those timelines. You saw the destruction of Equestria. They’re all because of me. Yet you still took me in as your student?” Her eyes softened. “How do you have the heart to forgive a pony like me? Why didn’t you turn me into stone, or send me to prison?”
Twilight pondered her answer. Starlight looked at her closely, waiting for the Princess to respond.
“That’s a tough question to ask, Starlight,” Twilight answered slowly. “But a fair one, nonetheless.”
“You see, Starlight, there is a reason why Discord was turned to stone at first.” Twilight began to explain. “You see, he caused chaos and destruction in Equestria, too, but here’s the thing: he never repented for it. It wasn’t until Discord had apologized for his actions and had found a bond for Fluttershy.”
Twilight looked out the window. “From the other villains I’ve faced, you are one of the ones that weren’t truly evil. You were just—“
“Broken.” Starlight and Twilight said at the same time.
Starlight sighed heavily. “I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but it still doesn’t revert all of the damage I’ve done to so many others.”
“No, it won’t,” Twilight agreed. She put a hoof on her shoulder. “But I saw what you were capable of if I gave you a second chance. To really know the value of friendship. Something you’ve never learned when you were young. One of the elements of harmony is kindness. Forgiveness can go a long way, Starlight. Never forget that.”
Starlight felt herself smiling from Twilight’s wise words. She has a long way to go when it comes to forgiving herself and to try to put the past behind her, and to truly embrace the pony Twilight is trying to mold her into. She won’t fail the ponies in her village and her mentor. It was time to make new, happier memories for her life.
“I’ll never forget that.”
Author's Note
This Twilight is not the Twilight who imprisoned Cozy Glow lol.
I was listening to Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode when this idea came to me. So, here it is. I hope you enjoy it.
