Author's Note
This idea hit me while I was lying in bed about to sleep. I jumped up and wrote it.
I'm sorry.
Sparklecare
The day started like any other in Equestria; beautifully. Then, like so many other days, it rapidly unraveled into something insane.
A foal had been crowned the new Queen of Everything and Everywhere.
She wasn't even six.
Discord lounged in his usual fashion. In other words, he lounged with an air of smug superiority while things fell apart around him, some of it quite literally.
He sipped solid coffee beans through a straw made of steamed milk given impossible solidity. It and the beans came up from a bag of coffee grounds that was steadily getting fuller rather than empty as he drank the decidedly solid contents, all while new laws and holidays were established. They were all written in crayon.
"Discord!" Twilight shouted from below, her face a few shades darker than usual, but not by much by Discord's estimations. There was room for improvement in that face. Room for more confusion and conflict. He smiled his snaggletoothed smile as she took flight from her crystal castle's balcony. He'd been relaxing atop a rainbow that had no business being there. It hadn't rained since the morning prior. Also, the colors weren't right. They weren't even ordered. It was gorgeously unruly.
"Good morning, Twilight! Isn't it a lovely day?" Discord chortled, taking another noisy, crunchy sip from his drink.
"Why is a filly ruling Equestria? What did you do?" Twilight barked as she brought herself level with Discord and his improbable prismatic perch. It was such a good bit of barking that, in an infinite display of spontaneity, Discord nonchalantly turned Twilight into a winged, fluffy dog. She hardly seemed to notice thanks to all the tasty uncertainty buzzing through her head.
"Me? I haven't done anything! Nothing villainous, that is! I'm helping ponies! I'm on your side, remember? You're going to need a new bag of coffee, by the way. This one's about empty," he said, waving the very clearly not at all empty bag about. Twilight smacked it out of his mismatched mitts with a snarl. The bag burst open and sent coffee-themed butterflies fluttering through the air, spreading the smell of a light roast all throughout Ponyville. They'd later be observed and declared a rare species by the local wildlife association. They'd also, subsequently, go extinct due to their delicious flavor. Pinkie Pie's newly picked up insect catching hobby probably had nothing to do with it.
"I'm not interested in playing games with you. What did you do? Tell me, Discord. Why have I been dethroned and why is my usurper a foal who can barely spell the word 'bureaucrat'? That's a very important word to be able to spell correctly if you're going to be running any sort of government!"
"Oh, Twilight. First of all, most ponies can barely spell that word without looking it up - at least beyond doing so phonetically - and second; it's not like she's going to be in power for very long. Let her have this. Then, you and your fancy words can be back in control."
Twilight stared at the chaotic noodle sprawled out in front of her, that look of confusion a touch more intense now. Discord's grin widened.
"What do you mean? Why won't she be in power for very long? Not that I want her to stay in power, I'm just trying to wrap my head around the situation." Twilight abruptly felt her head twist and stretch as Discord's magic wrapped it around one of his fingers, turning her into a bandage for an injury he did not have. The rest of her body flailed about frantically in mid air, desperate to be reunited with its noggin. Discord idly watched with an amused smirk. Bodies always got so needy without the comforting guidance of their associated heads. How dreadfully predictable.
"Why, it was her last wish, dearest Twilight! Would you deny a foal her final wish before the great beyond takes her?"
Doggy bandage Twilight groaned as she tugged herself off from Discord's talon. Or rather, he let her reassemble herself back into her boring, plain old shape. Her head snapped back onto her thrashing, lonely body with the sound of a bandage being hastily ripped off.
"Since when do you grant wishes? That's not usually your bag!" Twilight replied, though the implications of what Discord had said hadn't quite caught up to her yet. Discord popped out of existence and reappeared in Twilight's hooves as the earlier bag of coffee grounds, his face peeking up from the aromatic brown powder within. His features were other, slightly different shades of brown. He smelled scrumptious.
"Not my bag? Oh, on the contrary! Anything that causes confusion and chaos is my bag! Look at you; chaotically confused! Your face is such a lovely shade of bewildered right now! Just the right amount of befuddled rage and dawning realization!"
A miniature sunrise came up over Twilight's head as she slowly put the pieces together in her head. She was horrified.
"You didn't."
"I did." Discord beamed from his ground-up vantage point.
"I started a Make a Wish Organization for terminally ill foals! Isn't that wonderful? Their dying wishes are so easy to fulfill with just a tiny touch of unbridled chaos magic! And I'll admit; the looks on their sickly faces when everything they've wanted comes true is absolutely heartwarming! Fluttershy really did cultivate quite the lovely little soft spot in my surreal soul!"
Twilight forgot how to fly in that moment.
She came to on the ground as a pancake. Literally. Discord, no longer a bag of sapient coffee grounds, loomed over her with a giant frying pan and scraped her up, beginning to casually flip her as he spoke.
"What's the matter, Twilight? Isn't this what you wanted from me? A more helpful Lord of Chaos? Again, it's not like any wishes I grant will need to last very long. Little Center Piece's condition will have her pushing up daisies in about a month or two. Let the little sweetheart have this!"
"Please stop elaborating on the details," Twilight whined, looking just the most delightful shade of green as she continued to spin through the air and repeatedly slap into Discord's pan. It wasn't the impromptu ride making her sick, he knew.
"Wait, her name is Center Piece?" Pancake Twilight asked, going against what she'd just requested of Discord and asking for more details.
"Yes!"
"Does she have her Cutie Mark?"
"Indeed she does! And at such a young age, too! What a talented little thing! A shame, isn't it?" Discord didn't need to elaborate on that last bit.
"What is it? Her mark?"
"A great big fancy crown with a jewel at its peak"
Twilight considered this as she sizzled and fried in the pan, her concentration somehow not a mess despite everything going on. "Well, at least she seems appropriate for the position. Superficially that is."
"She loves being the very central focus of attention, it's true!"
Despite this revelation Twilight still wasn't amused. The frown upon her flat face, flipping through the air as it was, continued to be bold as the rising sun.
"It really is the perfect bit of chaotic work. You must see that, right? Plus, it's all got an expiration date attached, so theres' no need to worry about pesky things like long-term ramifications!" Discord chuckled, unable to hold it back. He felt bad. A little. "And fillies and colts have just the most brilliantly absurd ideas! They're practically the embodiment of raw chaos! They've not yet had the world crush their sense of fanciful whimsy and unbound innocence! You know, aside from the whole dying thing!"
"You're enjoying this far too much." Twilight growled.
"No, I think I'm at just the appropriate amount of unhinged glee, thank you very much!"
"How many?" Twilight grunted out as she made another trip through the air as a yummy disk of purple breakfast food. Discord didn't bother to catch her this time. She splatted into the ground and bounce back into her normal self with a wobble and a hurl. She puked maple syrup the color of her mane, including some non-traditional blueberries that matched the violet stripe running through it.
Meanwhile, Discord casually stretched out the frying pan he'd been using to toss Twilight about into a lengthy cascade of parchment, which was the least insane thing he'd done all day. He scanned the list while Twilight got reacquainted with the concept of having extremities. "Let's see; since I started this little zero profit charity venture last week I've had 37 small and woefully sick foals wish for something that would've normally been impossible by other means. Fun fact; did you know 37 is statistically the most random number? Aren't numbers amazing?"
Twilight felt her soul rip apart. Not even Discord's impromptu bit of mathematical trivia helped to soften the blow.
"Just... just this week?"
"Yes! Just this week!"
"And what... sort of things have they been wishing for?"
And Discord's grin grew three sizes that day.
"So, you're telling me the last few monsters and disasters we've been tasked with clearing up are the results of wishes from dying foals?" Starlight asked, her face looking grim.
"Yes, yes that's right. Discord has been busy," Twilight replied. She and Starlight were slumped over the balcony of her castle, forelegs dangling off the railing and chins sitting atop it. They were watching the sun go down over Center Piece's kingdom.
"Are we going to stop him?" Starlight inquired.
"What, am I supposed to deny the wishes of terminally ill children just because I don't wanna deal with an unfathomable beast or unnatural disaster that day? I'm not sure I have the emotional fortitude for that," Twilight answered.
"Not sure I do, either."
"I'm going inside. I have a lot of work to do."
"At least we'll have way more adventures to go on now, right? It'll keep things exciting!" Starlight called back as Twilight slunk into the castle.
And so began Twilight's journey towards creating the most robust medical industry Equestria had ever seen.
