Market of Ideas is Free! The Meritocracy is Not?
“Well, the griffons like their earthy flavors. Not like those lame ponies who like the sweet stuff. I was thinking of adding a little bit of leaf mixture. Like tea.”
Coffee tea— actually a good idea somebody should get on that.
Anyways, Rainbow Dash bounced into the bake shop owned by her friend Gilda. She beamed with childlike wonder as she looked all around at the run-down trinkets and tables that lined the walls. Barrels for seating (of course). Oh and there was a counter— and Gilda was behind it. That’s important. She was doing the dishes. They were stone. Oh and the oven was on! Yes!
Wait the oven isn’t important I’ll have to make that important.
Anyways, she laid the baking sheet down. Oh, yeah she was wearing oven mitts, she may be dumb but she isn’t stupid. They were so cute— shaped like her little talons. She took them off and laid them next to a peculiar little machine.
Okay okay, it’s a coffee machine. Yes.
Does Equestria have coffee machines? Deadline’s too tight to figure that out.
“Wow you’ve got your own place Gilda!” Rainbow Dash said, bouncing into the new bake shop set up by her griffon friend.
Wait, maybe it was Pinkie Pie. Well, it’s Rainbow Dash now.
Just then, a stern-looking griffon broke through the door. Pi— Rainbow Dash immediately turned to her and started bouncing up.
“Ooh! New friend! Well, I was just meeting my old friend, fancy running into a new one! I love meeting new friends. I’m Rainbow Dash, what’s your name?”
“I’m Grace—“ Grace said, pushing past Rainbow Dash without giving her a second look. Rainbow Dash seemed hurt by this. “I’m here to run a story on your new bakeshop, Gilda.”
Ohhhh. Yeah, the bake shop is called Gilda’s Great Goods. Slipped my mind.
“Well. You see, Pi— Dash, I can’t get the brew right no matter what I try.”
“Ohh, that’s not okie-dokie. Anything I can do to help?” Rainbow Dash cocked her head in a way that indicated she was definitely paying attention.
She probably wasn’t, she does have ADD after all. The real reason Rainbow Dash is such a relatable character.
Rainbow Dash gazed intently at the coffee machine. “Oh! Oh! You make coffee here too, Gildy?”
“Yeah but there’s a little problem,” Gilda stated.
“What??! Tell me more!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, extending her neck to questionable degrees.
Classic Rainbow Dash— she’s the one that breaks the laws of physics right?
“That could work?” Gilda inquired. “What kind of—“
Before she could finish, Rainbow Dash had already procured a bush from her mane. She set it lightly on the counter.
“Where’d you get that?”
“I keep bushes for bush-related emergencies!” Rainbow Dash explained, blinking as if what she said was completely obvious.
Is that trite? Whatever. Time crunch.
“I’m here to run a story on Gilda’s Great Goods. I trust everything is in order?”
A bead of sweat seemed to drip down Gilda’s face. “Umm… just a quick second, I’m brewing some coffee!”
She laughed silently, speeding ahead to make that coffee as quick as she possibly could.
“Well, ready or not, the crew’s here for you. I hope that coffee doesn’t taste like dirt.”
Grace pulled out an old-fashioned camera. In human terms, it was one of those old “instant cameras” that got big because they took 10 minutes to develop a picture instead of 10 hours.
That’s not too obscure a reference is it?
“Yeah saved up some bits, got my own place. So glad I chose this over Ponyville. The ponies are lammme.”
Wait, wasn't a key part of her character evolution was that she realized ponies aren’t lame? And didn’t she want to get out of Griffonstone? Ahh whatever I have a piece to finish.
Wait, I should describe the scene.
“This is probably the best griffon scone I’ve ever tasted! (oh Griffonstone- griffon scone very funny) It’s so good that you got rid of all the rocks and stones! You’re such a good baker you’d make the Cakes jealous!” Rainbow Dash rattled off, bouncing in a light circle around the cash register.
“That’ll be two bits!”
“Oh…” Rainbow Dash deflated, pulling two bits out of her mane and laying them on the counter. Oh, the counter’s made of glass. Very important. You can see the griffon scones and other baked goods there. It’s like a Starbucks.
The oven beeped, and Gilda went over to open it.
See! Very important!
“This is such a splendiferic place Gildy!” Pi— Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “I bet those griffon scones are super-duper tasty!”
“Only for you Pinkie Pie,” Gilda mentioned, going down behind the counter and getting a beautiful cookie.
Scone— yes. Scone. Acorn and everything,
That's how they were made right? Can ponies eat acorns?
Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened. “Exciting! Wait, wait, I have an idea!”
“What is it, Dash?” Gilda said, carefully placing the cooked scones in the glass display case. She has to throw the old ones out every hour— food service stuff. Well she has to, doesn’t mean she does. She just kinda lets them sit? Griffons don’t really care, but a pony was here so she threw out the old ones.
“Would something like a bush work?!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
Gilda raised her talons to her chin. Beak. Whatever. You know, griffon equivalent of The Thinker statue.
Man, such a basic sculpture— can’t believe artists back then weren’t doing avant-garde 🙄.
Gilda gently set the bush down, picking the leaves off and putting them in her coffee machine. Oh yeah— little entrance at the top, she mixed them with the beans.
Is that how coffee machines work? Idk I don’t drink coffee, except for that one time in Seattle where I didn’t know there was a Starbucks in a nearby Safeway so I drank coffee at the fancy hotel café. Maple syrup latte with like 4 sweeteners in it— I put those in ofc. It was actually pretty good, but I much prefer soda for my caffeine fix. I’m sure I will regret this when I’m like… 30 but idk the coffee “aroma” just puts me off. Where was I?
Rainbow Dash bit into the scone with a satisfying crunch. It was like eating sand. Nice and crunchy, with a wonderful earthy flavour, appreciated by griffons of all feathers— naturally.
I’m not the only one that ate sand right? Like, am I insane? I mean I am but am I?
Rainbow Dash immediately understood her assignment and jumped and rushed up to Gilda, who was still putting leaves in the machine.
“Gildy! Listen!” She began, hopping over the counter and getting up close to her friend.
“The bird with the cam is worth brewing the bush!”
…
What a terrible pun.
Author's Note
You know this story did make sense at one point.
