Derpy Delivers

The voids between Equestria and Tartarus were steeped in a broiling black—dark ooze that seeped from the walls stuck to everything it touched, permeating through every space and cranny, threatening to burn away the very air with its acrid, acidic stench.

Silhouetted in the darkness, a shadow watched as Derpy strolled into his realm—Beelzebub was his name. His chartreuse eyes were etched like stars into the darkness, framed above a widening, toothy smile of an infinite twisting and contorted razor-sharp teeth.

He knew not what fate had blessed him so as to have a defenceless pony such as this walk so easily into his web, and with such a careless manner of doing so, too. It was like an insult to the carefully-crafted reputation he had so meticulously cultivated through the millennia.

But, no matter.

A chittering rattled in the darkness as an unseen carapace slid, plate on plate, between each other. There was a slight manic gleam in his eyes as a second pair split open on either side, adding their ethereal yellow glow to the rest.

For his gate-keeper shall take care of this.

~ ~ ~

“Everypony Smile; Smile; Smile—Mmm-Hmmm-mmmm….!”

Derpy hummed a little tune to herself as she fluttered forwards through the dark void. Gliding on the continuous streams of screams and shattered dreams, she would pause between every chorus to give her wings a gentle flap and to correct her heading.

The ground was oddly soft and sticky, and the sludge had only deepened since the moment she’d stepped through the front doors, so she’d eventually opted to give her legs a rest and fly the rest of the way through.

Pulling a deep breath, Derpy pumped her wings, propelling herself forward as she belted out the next line. “…And I know you’re my very best—And I know you’re my very best—And I know you’re my very best—Ooof— ”

The wind was knocked out of her as she collided head-first into what felt like a massive, fuzzy, tree trunk, then she slid down the trunk and landed butt-first atop a pair of equally as fuzzy giant toes.

Derpy squeaked. “…Friends?” she said as her eyes darted around in random directions but never landing in the same direction. She huffed, “Oh, Celestia darn-it.” Frowning with a huff, she bonked herself on the head and immediately brought the spinning to a halt, and looked up at what she’d just landed against.

Now what was this thing she’d run into this time? She silently hoped that it wasn’t something breakable, or valuable, or Filthy Rich—His wife was scary.

Instead, what Derpy found wasn’t either of those things. The giant furry trunk—and really, there wasn’t a better description for it—stretched upwards into the darkness. It was wider around than her entire body, and, seemingly, it wasn’t alone.

Glancing to the side—though unintentionally—Derpy’s other eye spotted a second trunk that stood a few feet to the right of her, identical right down to the toe.

Wait.

Derpy did a double-take, making sure to focus both her eyes on the same thing at once this time. How does a tree have toes?

A large glob of something thick and viscous landed on the ground behind her, causing Derpy to jump and just barely miss the splatter. There was a deep rumble, like the rolling of a thunderstorm that drew her attention up, up, and all the way to the top of the tree as a monstrous beast made itself known.

The titan almost resembled an Ursa, except it was entirely black and covered in a thick fur that glistened like freshly-cleaved flesh. Atop its shoulders— Derpy had to take a step back, or rather a flap as she hovered into the air, jaw hanging open as her eyes widened.

Raising her right hoof, she flew backwards and almost fell off of what she knew must have been its paws as not one, not two, but three heads emerged out of the darkness, each distinct in their nature but all resembling a border collie with their long, toothy, snouts and gnarled angry scowls.

The monster’s giant back arched like a mountain in the distance as it loomed over Derpy, a thunderous growl roaring in the pit of its stomach.

Derpy had to pick her jaw up off the ground, but when she did, she wiped the startled look from her face and waved, smiling and squeaking, “Oh, hi, Cerberus!”

The growling stopped. All three heads froze in place, their expressions changing one after the other to a look of confusion. The left head shared a glance with the middle, and the right head’s ears perked and dropped as its nose twitched.

The middle head glanced down at Derpy, before sniffing, and the three of them shared a few barks before all three of them barked one after the other—the giant monster crouching in front of the tiny pony.

“Bark! Bark! Bark!”

Taking flight, Derpy went in for the kill. She swooped onto Cerberus from the right and unleashed an unyielding assault of hoof pats and belly rubs, all the while cooing and fawning over Cerberus like the giant puppy that he was. “Who’s a good boy?” She grinned. “Who’s a good boy? You are! Yes you are!”

Cerberus responded by rolling over onto his side, revealing his delicate underbelly to the pony’s murderous rampage. Tickles rained down supreme, eliciting a volley of giggles and drooling, panting laughter. Leg kickies and tail waggies resulted, but before baring down on her prey, Derpy pulled back her hoof and came to a halt, hovering over her prey.

“Oh!”

Suddenly remembering something, Derpy alighted on Cerberus’ chest and dug a hoof into her other saddlebag, fishing around as she searched. “I almost forgot…” Derpy’s brow creased as she reached all the way to the bottom. The saddlebags had almost claimed her entire foreleg to the shoulder as Derpy leaned and twisted her back, all the while trying to keep Cerberus on his toes, metaphorically speaking. “Whoooo’s getting you a treat?” she whispered.

“Arf!” Cerberus responded by wagging his tail. The thundering roar and the waves of foaming sludge kicked up around them just about threatened to tear apart the entire hellish realm. Just when Derpy was just about ready to pull her objective out of the bag, she stumbled on her hooves and lost track of it.

She waggled her eyebrows, her voice going a little higher as she teased. “Who’s getting you a treat? I’m getting you a treat!” she squealed, just about breaking down into laughter as she narrowly avoided Cerberus’ second wet nose from tickling her ear—“Specially delivered from Auntie Applejack—”

One of Cerberus’ other heads nudged into Derpy’s side, shoving its nose into her saddlebag. Just his breath alone was enough to almost bowl her completely off of her hooves.

“Ahaaahaa—” Derpy squealed. Her wings popped open on impulse as she struggled to keep her balance against the giant dog’s assault as a second nose prodded at her other saddlebag. Her mane and feathers had been completely ruffled and she couldn’t help but giggle as the middle head, presumably the leader, nuzzled its way under her hoof and into her mail carrier bag.

“H-Hey?” Derpy swatted at the dog’s nose, though her attempt was half-hearted and even less successful. She couldn’t help but stop grinning. “What are you doing?”

Forcing back the giggles, she made a show of force by bonking him on the nose, and Cerberus promptly retreated. Nose scrunched and eyes crossed, the other two heads looked to the middle one with their own two halves of a smirk. “Bark! Bark!” the other two heads said.

Derpy pulled the letter she had from her bag, holding it up over her head for the two heads to see. “‘What’s this?’” she interpreted.

“Bark!”

“Nope…!” She stuck her tongue out at him. “You can’t see it, silly. You’re not the recipient.”

“Arf!”

Derpy puffed her cheeks and waggled a hoof at the naughty puppy. “Don’t you lie to me, mister!” She stuck the letter back into her saddlebags, giving Cerberus a little eye wiggle. “I know you’re not the intended recipient because I’m the mailmare!”

Cerberus’ ears dropped—all three heads miming the other as they joined in unison to give Derpy the triple threat: three full sets of puppydog eyes, with sad little “Hmm-Hmmm-Hmmm” whines.

“Don’t even think about it—” She waggled her hoof even harder. “As the mailmare, I have to follow the sacred code to deliver this letter to the intended recipient. Unopened.”

The puppydog eyes lingered for a second, but as Cerberus grew to understand, each of the heads slowly retreated and returned to normal. Cerberus growled a short little grunt, and one of the heads stuck out its tongue—though Derpy wasn’t sure what that meant, if anything.

They started panting, and the leader of the bunch turned to make a pointing motion with his nose at a spot directly behind Cerberus, where a plain door stood on its own. There was a plastered sign above it that, when Derpy managed to focus both eyes, clearly read “Dante’s Inferno” across the top.

Derpy glanced at the door, and then back to Cerberus—the other two heads had joined the first in pointing at the door and looking at Derpy expectantly.

“Oh.”

She looked at the door again, and then back to Cerberus. Then, lighting up, she replied. “Oh! Thank you!”

The giant dog barked—“Arf!”—and started panting.

Derpy did an about-face and took into the air again, poised to glide back to the ground and to the mysterious door, but before she did, she paused, pointing a hoof into the air. “Oh! I almost forgot!”

She shoved her hoof into her bags and flipped a tiny dog biscuit into the air, which was promptly snapped up by the first of the heads.

“Thanks!” she shouted, before darting off towards Dante’s Inferno.

~ ~ ~

Not long after Derpy’s departure, Beealsibub slunk out of the shadows to find Cerberus reclined on the ground, happily munching on something. At first he smiled, knowing that the deed had been done, but upon getting closer, he became suspicious. First at the lack of blood, and then at the lack of… anything, really.

Cerberus wasn’t the kind to leave remains. Not unless—

Spotting the open door to Dante’s Inferno, Beealzibub’s eyes widened, and his smile turned into a scowl, which then promptly deepened into a more threatening frown. He snapped. “What the bloody hell was that!?” Glaring up Cerberus, Bealsibib slithered through the slime in front of him. “You were supposed to stop her, not help her, you mangy mongrel!”

All three heads of Cerberus snapped to attention as their eyes focused on Bealzibib. An otherworldly roar, like the impending crash of a hurricane mixed with a landslide had a baby with an avalanche, broiled in the beast’s throat.

The monster that was Cerberus moved with a threatening aura, muscles the size of train cars becoming taught and fur sharp as razor blades tightening and pointed. Beulsibub gulped. As the shadow towered over him, he felt the chitin on the back of his neck become cold and clammy.

Taking a step back, he stuttered. “Wait—Wait—I’m Sorry. I didn’t mean th—AAAH-AAAAAH—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!”

~ ~ ~

“Everypony Smile; Smile; Smile; Sunshine, Sunshine, I just want to make my friends”—There was a loud, blood-curdling scream that echoed out of nowhere—“Smile.”

Derpy stopped in her tracks to look around, but upon seeing nothing, she shrugged and kept going. “My name is Derpy Doo, and I am here to say…”