Running Gag

by FanOfMostEverything

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Equestria Girls, Windy Whistles, Main 7 (EqG), Slice of Life
Length: 2239

Rainbow Dash’s birthday is tomorrow, and her friends want to get her the perfect gift… for six given values of “perfect.”

Rainbow Dash's birthday is tomorrow, and her friends are all scouring Canterlot Mall.

Make no mistake, most of them already have gifts lined up, but they want to show their appreciation for everything Dash has done over the past year. Including the pranks, the pointing and laughing, that time she made all their magic spiral out of control...

It'll definitely take something special to say everything they want to. It's just a matter of finding it.

Rated Teen for jokes saucier than what S&P would permit for Equestria Girls. Credit for original concept goes to Tipper by way of Estee's Discord server.

Published 2024-11-05 16:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2024-11-05 16:20:04 UTC

Rainbow Dash's Birthday is Tomorrow, and She'll Get What She Deserves

Rainbow Dash’s birthday was tomorrow, and Applejack was combing the Canterlot Mall for the perfect gift.

Not that she didn’t already have one Dash would enjoy; she had the latest installment of the Condemned Cog franchise ready to go. And unlike certain birthday girls who would remain nameless, she had no plans to practice for two weeks before oh-so-innocently suggesting a friendly game.

But the nature of their friendship meant that Applejack couldn’t just give RD the one sincere gift and call it square. They owed each other too much as part of the cycle of payback that stretched back practically to the day they’d met. Passing up an opportunity to rib Dash wouldn’t be burying the hatchet; it’d be spreading her arms and asking the other girl to take a free shot the next chance she got.

No, Applejack loved Dash like a sister, and she had plenty of experience in balancing affection and scorn to take the wind out of a sibling’s sails while still letting them know she cared. It was just a matter of finding the perfect item that would help her do so.

When she reached the narrow little outlet barely squeezed in between a toy store and a pretzel stand, her gaze chanced upon something on the other side of the plate glass and locked onto it. Mocking without being cruel, but still enough to sting every time RD would see it. Plus it was practical enough that she would use it.

“Perfect,” Applejack said as she went inside.

Rainbow Dash’s birthday was tomorrow, and Rarity needed to find something the birthday girl would wear.

Oh, she had a backup gift ready to go. Having a football legend for a father meant there was always a ready source of memorabilia on hand… when he wasn’t on vacation. Even if Rainbow wasn’t a Berserkers fan, Rarity knew she’d appreciate a ball signed by Hondo Flanks himself. Especially with the attached card threatening all kinds of creative humiliation if she so much as thought about reselling it online.

Not that Rarity thought she’d even consider such a thing, but it paid to be prepared.

Still, not being able to design for a friend burned her artistic pride. Rarity knew Rainbow humored her when asked to participate in fashion shows, but the girl had about as much interest in her day-to-day outfits as Twilight Sparkle. She’d dismiss Rarity’s most elaborate creations as pointless and barely acknowledge something better suited to her tastes without appreciating the subtle layers of both meaning and fabric worked into it.

Rarity would know; that was exactly what had happened with the jacket she’d made last year.

No, much as it pained her to admit, she needed to look elsewhere for a garment that could fit Rainbow’s tastes without feeling like a tremendous waste of effort on her own part. And after failing to find anything viable among her usual online collection of boutiques, bespoke clothiers, and Immediagram vision boards, she turned instead to the offerings of the Canterlot Mall, and had spent the last three hours in a state of increasing frustration.

And then she saw it among the front racks. Charming, understated, yet practical and with a biting wit that their whole friend group could appreciate.

“Perfect,” Rarity said as she went inside.

Rainbow Dash's birthday was tomorrow, and Fluttershy had only now realized that her presents were more for Tank than his owner.

To be fair, his being happy would make her happy, but it still felt wrong to not get anything for the actual birthday girl. Not when they'd known each other since fourth grade. If anyone would know what to get Rainbow, it should have been her.

Should have been.

Part of the problem was that between Rainbow's birthday and Yuletide, Fluttershy had already gotten her most of what she could possibly want: Cleats, soccer balls, Daring Do books... Sure, she'd outgrown or worn out most of those over the years, but the idea of repeating a gift was too embarrassing for Fluttershy to even contemplate for long. Imagine the kind of message that would send, that she couldn't think of anything new and fitting for one of her oldest friends and had fallen back on tired standbys!

No, it had to be something she'd never gotten Rainbow before... which was a terribly narrow field if it also had to be something Rainbow would actually like.

Which brought Fluttershy to that one little place where she got her Skullcruncher concert outfit. That was certainly a recent development; surely she could find something novel for Rainbow in the same store.

And indeed, she spotted the perfect item before she even went in. And Rainbow had always encouraged her to be more daring. Surely she'd appreciate something like that.

"Perfect," Fluttershy said, waving to Studded Leather at the register.

Rainbow Dash’s birthday was tomorrow, and Twilight Sparkle was debating whether a rainbow-generating science kit targeting ages 8-12 was an appropriate present.

It wasn't that she'd never given gifts before transferring to Canterlot High, but those has been for family members or equally studious childhood friends. And had mostly been books. There was an obvious option there for Rainbow Dash, but it was equally obvious that she already owned everything A. K. Yearling had written thus far. And Twilight's attempt at a Yuletide present, a book about actual archeology, had gone over like a lead balloon.

So here she was, wondering whether Preteen's First Optics Lab was acceptable, condescending, or still too intellectual for Rainbow Dash's taste.

After a few more moments of deliberation, Twilight shook her head. She'd found that listening to her gut was a good idea in matters of friendship and magic, unintuitive as it was for her to rely on her intuition. Though that still didn't resolve the matter of what to get for Rainbow.

Grumbling, she walked out of the toy store, spotted the adjacent outlet, and had to stop her reflexive dismissal. Clothes had been one area she hadn’t considered, even if she felt poorly equipped to judge their merit. As she thought about it, she read the text on one item simply because it was text. Force of habit was a powerful thing. In this case, it got her to stop dead as she verified what she'd just seen.

And that got Twilight seriously thinking.

It was crass. It was juvenile. It was the kind of so-called “humor” she used to hear in the Crystal Prep locker room shortly before Indigo Zap would smack her behind. (Unlike much of her experience at Crystal Prep, it hadn’t been personal; Indigo did that to everyone within reach.)

Twilight sighed and resolved herself to finding a book on Mesoamareican mythology with a lot of pictures after this. Anything to keep this from being her only gift tomorrow. Still...

"Perfect," she said, as reluctantly as her entering the store.

Rainbow Dash’s birthday was tomorrow, and Pinkie Pie was so excited she could burst! It was all she could do keep herself from sprouting pony ears and blasting her surroundings with raw elemental Laughter, but she’d been keeping that contained for more than a year now. At this point, it just one more thing to think about while party planning.

Dashie’s parents footing the bill meant Pinkie’d been able to put together not one, but two parties, one for the various sports team to celebrate their captain on her way out of high school and a smaller one for just the seven of them. Plus Pinkie’s own mom had unearthed a high-protein cake recipe from the ‘50s that Dashie would… probably like.

Assuming she liked pinto beans.

Well, it wasn’t in a pie crust, so she’d probably be happy with it.

But even with everything she was organizing for Rainbow Dash, it still felt wrong that there wouldn’t be anything for the birthday girl to unwrap with a “From Pinkie Pie” gift tag. So, arms full of party supplies, Pinkie did one last lap of the mall to see if anything struck her fancy. Or Rainbow Dash’s.

As she passed Twisty Tony’s, a sudden tug brought her attention to the little store next to it. She'd gotten little twitches and shivers even before Pony Twilight had first arrived, but they came a lot more often these days, and they were always worth checking. And seeing what had caused this one made her giggle for a good twenty seconds, which had to be a good sign.

“Perfect!” Pinkie said as she went to the register.

Rainbow Dash's birthday was tomorrow, and Sunset Shimmer felt deeply conflicted.

She also felt bad about feeling conflicted, because Dash had gone months without one crack about the Fall Formal or "No offense."

But all the same, not that many months.

Of course, Sunset had gotten Dash a gift. Every guitarist could use more strings and picks, as she could attest. But it felt less like some meaningful, heartfelt present like the parakeet she'd gotten Twilight last Yuletide and more like she was crossing something off of Dash's shopping list. And she had forgiven Dash for offenses that didn't even begin to compare to Sunset's own misdeeds.

She had!

She just... Well, Sunset still got mixed feelings when looking at Principal Celestia. All the Harmony magic in both worlds couldn't keep her from holding a grudge. She'd talk to Dash about it when there wasn't a party going on. And she still wanted to find a gift that felt a little more meaningful.

Her head-clearing trot around Canterlot Mall chose that moment to send her past just what she was looking for. Something that said "We've both done nasty things to each other, but we've moved past them. And this is how I'm resolving my end of it."

Well, it literally said something else, but still.

Besides, they had some really nice leather wristbands on sale!

"Perfect," Sunset said, browsing the racks.

Rainbow Dash's birthday was yesterday, and Windy Whistles was trying to get her enthusiasm back down to everyday levels. Though that had become somewhat easier after doing the laundry and seeing some of her daughter's gifts. Half a dozen of them in particular.

Basket in her hands, Windy made her way to her daughter's room and kicked the door as gently as she could. "Dashie? Could I talk to you for a second?"

The door opened, revealing the very image of filial concern. "What is it, Mom?" said Rainbow, taking the laundry basket without a word from Windy, considerate girl that she was.

It only made Windy's heart ache more as she tried to broach the delicate subject. "Sweetie, I just hope you know that you're a lovely young lady."

Dashie just stared at her, doing a fantastic job of showing how she hadn't understood without saying a word. "Okay?" Or just one word.

"I know the women in our family tend to be... petite, but beauty comes in all shapes and sizes." Windy wrapped her daughter in one of the tightest hugs she'd ever given her. "Never forget that."

"Oh." And thank goodness, Dashie laughed as she returned the hug. "That's what this is about?"

It was Windy's turn to feel out of the loop. "What?" she asked as they pulled back. "But the—"

"Yeah, I know." Dashie rolled her eyes as she picked up one of the half-dozen identical, extra-small black sports bras laying on top of her other clothes. Just like with the others, white text on it stated "Never Skip Boob Day." It looked like it would fit her perfectly. "Mom, I know I look good. This was my friends all getting me the same gag gift. They didn't even check with one another or anything, it was all by accident. Funniest thing that happened yesterday, which is saying something."

That got a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness." Windy beamed. "Well, I hope you enjoy all of your presents, Sweetie! Especially the one I just gave you."

After a contemplative look at the basket, Dashie turned back to her with adorable uncertainty. "My laundry?"

Windy put on her rarely used Serious Mom Face. Even the best daughter in the world needed a little effort to make sure she stayed that way. "You're eighteen, Dashie, and you're going to college in the fall. This is the last load of laundry I'm ever doing for you."

"Aw, Moooom!"

Windy tittered as she left her Dashie to sort out her delicates and her feelings. Still, as she went back downstairs, she couldn't help but think that even her daughter's petulance could only be described by one word.

"She's just perfect," Windy said to herself as she went down to start the next load.

Author's Note

I seriously considered entitling the story Rainbow Dash's Birthday is Tomorrow, but I felt like that would've been a bit much.

Yes, Tank exists in the Equestria Girls world.

See here for the pinto bean cake.

And the joke may be low-hanging fruit, but it's still novel enough that when Tipper suggested the concept (less than two weeks ago, which is very quick turnaround for me,) it got the gears turning. Also, writing through the eyes of Dash's parents is a fascinating experience. They demand more praise for her in the narration than she does herself.