Oh, my dear Fluttershy.
You’ll never know how much you’ve meant to me these few short years.
Yes, yes, I know they seem long to you. But that’s part of the problem of mortality and immortality…our perspectives are simply so different that, in many ways, we never really can understand each other.
But then, understanding only goes so far. After all, to understand something, it has to make sense, and as I’m sure you recall me saying when we first met, “Where’s the fun in making sense?”
But perhaps we don’t have to understand each other perfectly. Perhaps we only have to understand enough. After all, you and the others also had your fair share of disagreements over the years. Your ability to listen, to empathize, is what truly set you apart from your friends and the Princesses, I think. Oh, I don’t blame Sun-Butt and Moon-Butt for turning me to stone when they did, not anymore; part of what I learned from my relationship with you is the capacity for forgiveness. But I do think that if Celestia, who bore the Element of Kindness before you, had sat down and tried to understand me as you did, Equestria’s history would be very different. Maybe better, maybe worse, but definitely different.
I never did tell you before, but I believe I might have first set Luna on the path to becoming Nightmare Moon. As I tried to turn you and the others against each other when we first met, I was the one to point out to Luna how much more beloved Celestia and the day were than she and the night. I can’t take the blame for everything that happened afterward…after all, they still rallied together and defeated me, so anything after I was petrified was entirely their own fault. Still, though, I wonder.
I think the first time I really discovered the capacity for conscience…for understanding the true weight of my actions…was during the first unpleasantness you and your friends had with Lord Tirek. I was a visitor in his father’s court before the first time he invaded Equestria; indeed, I helped him perfect the technique he learned from his hermit mentor for absorbing other creatures’ magic. It wasn’t the same as the friendship I had with you and your friends; I just found his ambitions amusing and thought it would be fun to see what chaos he could spread. That’s the real reason he was able to manipulate me into betraying you so easily…he reminded me of the halcyon days of yore, when I went forth and did as I willed and none could gainsay me.
What I forgot, though, was that someone who can convince you to betray your friends would have no reason to treat you as one in turn. We all know what happened when he became powerful enough to absorb my magic, so all I’ll say is that the forgiveness you offered me…freely, without punishment or condition…that was when you murdered me. That was when you killed off the old Discord once and for all. May he rest in peace and never return.
I’ll admit, Fluttershy, when I first realized the depths of my feelings for you, I was frightened beyond measure. For a being who always existed as a singular entity (aside from my occasional self-duplication or dismemberment), the sensation of having my heart not only exist outside myself, but actually belong to another was...unique. The closest parallel I can think of is the times I’ve lost my magic, but that’s an inexact analogy at best. After all, the ones who stole my magic were much like me at my worst…selfish and uncaring. With you, it felt more like you were taking my heart and holding it in safekeeping for me.
It’s a common misunderstanding among mortals, and even many immortals, that immortality leads inevitably to a calcifying of one’s feelings. I’ll admit, ennui can be a powerful force. When you’ve outlived nations, worlds and even stars, it can be difficult to summon the energy to care about an individual mortal. By declaring that we were friends, though, you linked yourself to me in a way that no one had before. Eventually, I came to realize that there really IS no such thing as an individual…we are all shaped by the forces around us, and you and the others showed me how friendship could be the strongest force of all.
That leads me to the next part of what I admit is becoming a rather long ramble. The day you asked me to marry you was simultaneously the most wonderful and most terrifying of my life, matched only by the actual day of the ceremony. The prospect of joining my destiny to another’s, even in only a symbolic manner, was something I had honestly never considered. As a being of chaos, I know better than any mortal that symbols, including symbolic gestures, have power; things mean only what we decide they mean. In large part, we…any of us…exist because we decide to exist. We cannot be other than what we are, and yet we are what we decide to be…one of the great paradoxes of existence.
When we realized your end was approaching, Fluttershy, I was afraid that it would break me in ways that could never be repaired. You were my first friend, my first love, my first…so many things. I was so, so tempted to snap my claws and restore you to the bloom of your youth, as you were when we first met. I still don’t entirely understand you telling me that it is the end that gives mortal life meaning, but though I miss you terribly, I do not regret choosing to honor your wishes. I am proud to say that, though your passing did break me, those breakages didn’t prove as irreparable as I feared.
In very large part, this is because of our children and grandchildren. Before we got together, I never even considered the possibility of having descendants; I was Chaos, alone and singular. I still remember the simultaneous thrill and terror I felt when we discovered you were pregnant with Dewdrop Disarray. I’ll admit now, though I never did when you asked before, I nudged probability with all of our children, ensuring they would inherit their looks from your side more than mine. Piebald coats are all well and good, but I didn’t want to even imagine what trying to birth a foal with my more…chimeric qualities might do to you. I am rather proud of how they all inherited my sense of humor and talent for chaos magic along with your compassionate and caring heart.
I wish you could see them all, Fluttershy. We’re up to great-great grandchildren now, a whole little herd of them...Harmony Spark, Whimsy Blossom, Serene Chaos, Random Breeze and Gentle Tricks. Breeze and Blossom are the latest ones to take over running your sanctuary with me; the others help when they can, but sadly, not all of them inherited your way with animals. Still, they all have at least a hoofful of pets crowding their houses and getting underfoot. Whimsy Blossom recently started dating Apple Strudel, one of Big Mac’s great-great granddaughters.
I miss you more than I can say, my dear Fluttershy. But so long as we have descendants, I can look in their faces and see little glimpses of you looking back. In a way, it’s like you never left. I may not have found love again the way you told me in your last days, but I remain hopeful that it will happen one day. Even when it does, though, you will always remain my first and truest of friends and loves.
Wherever you are, I hope there are plenty of animals to keep you company, and that one day I can join you.
All my love,
Discord
Author's Note
A little musing on how an immortal being might cope with love and loss, inspired by this awesome song:
